blueeyedgal Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 My boyfriend and I met four months ago today. From our first date, we were so compatible with each other. We get along perfectly, and our morals and values are very similar. Everyone says we are perfect together, and we've only had one very small fight, which was mainly my fault, as I was PMS-ing It's a semi-long distance relationship. We live about 2 hours away from each other, and because of my school and his job, we only get to see each other on Saturday nights and Sundays. He hasn't been in a relationship in three years, because he says he hasn't found anyone he really wanted to date, but then he says he met me and it all changed because we were so perfect together. Because he's been alone for 3 years, he's pretty independent, which is not a big deal to me because I'm independent as well. Before that, he was engaged to a woman he had been dating for 3 years, and they broke it off because she accused him of cheating and he couldn't stand to be called a liar by the woman he loved. Okay, now that you've had some background info, on to the question! A few weeks ago he told me that he wasn't having the feelings toward me that he should and that I had more feelings for him than he did me. He doesn't love me, basically. He said he didn't know if he was scared to be in a relationship or if his job was stressing him out or if I just wasn't the right one for him. That, of course, hurt. He took a night to himself to think about it and even spoke with his preacher about it. The next morning he called me and said that he still wanted to be with me. I know he cares about me, but him saying that he doesn't have feelings like he should for me really concerns me. Long distance is hard enough. But, he has been Mr Perfect Boyfriend ever since our discussion. I guess my question is....should he love me by now? Do I just give up on him every loving me? I know he cares about me...we've met each other's whole families, he's cared for me when I was sick, made long-term plans with me, and says he misses me every day we're not together. Is it too late for him to fall in love? For those of you in relationships, how long did it take for you to fall in love? Keep in mind that we rarely get to see each other (less than 24 hrs/ week)
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 He means he isn't infatuated with you anymore. DreamGrl seems to be having the same issue as your boyfriend.
Duck n' Bunnies Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I guess it all depends. One of my boyfriends, it was like 2 months and I still wasn't really all that into the LOVE feeling, so we broke up. But the next guy... I was in love after 2 weeks and 3 1/2 years later... the feeling is just as strong... I asked him just now and he said he couldn't agree more. He took about a month to say it back... and I was cool with that. Maybe guys just wait longer.
Author blueeyedgal Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 you really think 4 months is nothing? if so, then how long should i give it? i'm trying to be patient, giving that we never get to see each other plus he was so independent before, so i thought i should give him some time, but not too much time so that i don't end up getting hurt...
SeraBella Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I wouldn't say 4 months is nothing, but it's not very long. There's no time limit on this kind of stuff. If you like him, then stay with him. Don't bring it down to "well he won't say he loves me so then I have to end it." Everything else seems fine, just enjoy yourselves.
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 A few weeks ago he told me that he wasn't having the feelings toward me that he should and that I had more feelings for him than he did me. He doesn't love me, basically. He said he didn't know if he was scared to be in a relationship or if his job was stressing him out or if I just wasn't the right one for him. That, of course, hurt. He took a night to himself to think about it and even spoke with his preacher about it. The next morning he called me and said that he still wanted to be with me. I know he cares about me, but him saying that he doesn't have feelings like he should for me really concerns me. Long distance is hard enough. But, he has been Mr Perfect Boyfriend ever since our discussion. I experienced the exact same conversation around the same exact time with my now-ex BF. I don't expect anyone to be in love by a certain time, nor do I think questioning one's feelings (privately, to yourself) is an indicator of doom. However, when a BF tells you about his lack of feelings and doubts as your BF has done (and mine did), I believe he's basically preparing you for the end. Sure, he likes things the way they are and wants to continue seeing you, but he really doesn't intend for the relationship to continue much longer. He'll drag out the end of your relationship until it's easy for him to sever ties. Having "warned" you ahead of time that his feelings weren't up to par, he'll be able to do all of this without any guilt whatsoever. That's my experience, anyway.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 you really think 4 months is nothing? if so, then how long should i give it? i'm trying to be patient, giving that we never get to see each other plus he was so independent before, so i thought i should give him some time, but not too much time so that i don't end up getting hurt... You can't force someone feelings or change them, in time he might declare his love for you, but it's all too easy to tell someone you love them. I was with my ex-girlfriend for several months and we never once told each other we loved one another. We got on like a house on fire until I got fed up of her not putting anything into the relationship, so I broke it off. If and when he does fall for you, he will tell you, but personally you should pleased you've found someone honest, open and truthful. I know a few guys and girls who tell their partner's they love them when in fact they do not and have told me so.
Neptune Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 On average, if it is not there from the get go, it probably never will be. The trend is your friend. Don`t try to make him love you. He may never but feel you were just too good to pass up. And that just ain`t good enough.
pr-girl Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Wow. Reading your thread made me think I was reading my relationship challenge. I was dating a man in CA for 3 months. I live in NV. We are 4 hours away from each other and only saw each other every 3 weeks. We had the perfect relationship with the exception of the distance. He's been single for 3 years and had his heart broken. He hadn't wanted to let anyone in until I cam along. He's very independent, but when in a relationship, he is emotional and sensitive - he needs the girl next to him. 2 months into our relationship he told me that he didn't think he cared as much as I did. That he should've be in love by then. I didn't think that was enough time. But, he insisted he knows himself and he knows he falls quick and hard in relationships. Since his last gf cheated (and they started out as a LDR until she moved to be with him), he has a hard time trusting women. He said he could never fully open his heart to me with me being so far away. He knew if we stayed together, he'd fall harder and it would only make his pain of our breakup worse. You see, I know how much this man cares for me. He was very honest about it. He knew that he hadn't felt feelings that deep in years and it scared him. He knew if we continued to be together, he'd only grow more fond of me and he'd be more miserable without me in the city. Maybe, your bf knows himself well enough that he is distancing himself emotionally because of the geographical distance? Maybe he had a LDR before and it didn't last? Does he have trust and/or intimacy issues? (Mine did.)
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