tonyeltiger Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 As I have found myself more and more over my ex, I find myself thinking very objectively about some of the things that were problems in our relationship and wanted some input. My theory is that her childhood greatly affected her decisions. Her father was an alcoholic, and constantly belittled her mother. She remembers all of these things very vividly. Her mother and father divorced, and she lived with her mother. Her mother then soon after married another alcoholic, druggy, trailer-trash guy. Same story of abuse there. Never to my ex directly, but she saw her mother going through it all. One of the biggest thorns in my side through the relationship was that I enjoy a drink. I NEVER get drunk. I am a responsible adult, and if I want to a have a glass of wine at dinner, I am F-ing allowed to have a glass of wine. She refused to accept that there is a responsible way to drink, and it has always bugged her. I explained my stance on it, and continued my ways because I felt that I was 1) justified to do so, 2) make her grow up a bit and accept people that are being responsible. So in short I think that a big reason she broke up with me is that she was too immature to accept any amount of drinking, and also that she saw my refusal to abstain in the same vein as her father and step-father disrespecting her mother etc. (even though this is unimaginably far from the truth) I hope that if this is true that one day she will freaking grow up a bit. She is so easily offended, she will die early from stress alone lol. Any thoughts on this? I know that everyone can agree that past trauma affects present day life, but I am interested in how this affects relationships and if she will ever over-come her problems (not that she recognizes her problems).
smoochie Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 As I have found myself more and more over my ex, I find myself thinking very objectively about some of the things that were problems in our relationship and wanted some input. My theory is that her childhood greatly affected her decisions. Her father was an alcoholic, and constantly belittled her mother. She remembers all of these things very vividly. Her mother and father divorced, and she lived with her mother. Her mother then soon after married another alcoholic, druggy, trailer-trash guy. Same story of abuse there. Never to my ex directly, but she saw her mother going through it all. One of the biggest thorns in my side through the relationship was that I enjoy a drink. I NEVER get drunk. I am a responsible adult, and if I want to a have a glass of wine at dinner, I am F-ing allowed to have a glass of wine. She refused to accept that there is a responsible way to drink, and it has always bugged her. I explained my stance on it, and continued my ways because I felt that I was 1) justified to do so, 2) make her grow up a bit and accept people that are being responsible. So in short I think that a big reason she broke up with me is that she was too immature to accept any amount of drinking, and also that she saw my refusal to abstain in the same vein as her father and step-father disrespecting her mother etc. (even though this is unimaginably far from the truth) I hope that if this is true that one day she will freaking grow up a bit. She is so easily offended, she will die early from stress alone lol. Any thoughts on this? I know that everyone can agree that past trauma affects present day life, but I am interested in how this affects relationships and if she will ever over-come her problems (not that she recognizes her problems). This is going to sound bad...but I think the problem was you. If I do not want a man who smokes, then I do not want a man that smokes. Whether or not it stems from some past trauma, bottom line is that is my preference. She does not nor should not change her position on an issue simply because its not a position you subscribe to. And to state she needs to grow up speaks to your lack of understanding...not hers. She has every right to be offended by whatever she deems worthy. You are right, you believe you are justified in drinking, she simply did not. If this is all to the story, this ain't hard at all.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 As a child we can be psychologically affected by any "abusive" trauma that arises from home. To a child, home is a sanctuary for learning and development, and any minor or major changes that occur can emotionally scar them, subconsciously or coscienciously. I think your gf having been through abusive drunken fits from her dad and stepdad, had psychologically build up a defense in her conscious that drinking is bad and will always lead to abuse. As a child she saw things as A to B from her point of view, and she wasn't taught that A could lead to a possible C or further effects or options. It's most likely she's trying to avoid being in a similar situation as her mother, and in no way can you blame her.
Author tonyeltiger Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Oh, I'm not blaming her at all. And this was not by far the biggest or only problem we had. It was just always kind of there. I was just kind of kicking around the idea. I mean, now that I have lost her, I would definately never drink again to have her back, but I was just theorizing as to why she had such issues with the matter. It just seems to me a silly thing to fault someone on. If I was a drunk, ok. But responsible adults should be able to come to an understanding. Oh well!
BlueHaiku Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It sounds like you two had at least one incompatibility over the drinking thing. There's little point in arguing that she was childish or that you were a drunk. She didn't want someone who drank, and you wanted to drink. Incompatible.
Author tonyeltiger Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I guess my line of thought is this. I wouldn't really want to be with someone who smoked cigarettes. BUT, if I loved someone who did, I would certainly learn to accept it. I guess that's just who I am and who she is not. She should have broken it off before we had been together for 3 years if she knew we were incompatible. But as I said, this was not our only problem, so I can understand why we lasted as long as we did. The positives normally outweighed the negatives. But not in the end of course (for her at least).
LakesideDream Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Tony, A few years ago I dated a woman with a similar problem. After a few dates, fun stuff, concerts, ball game etc we went out for a nice dinner. I ordered a double Scotch (16 yr. Single Malt) with an ice cube before ordering dinner. She ordered a soft drink, and I thought nothing of it. BTW I'm a 57 year old guy. Less than 15 minutes later she began the questions, which turned into dogma. She was an "alanon" member, from early relationships (remember we were on like a 4th date, no sex as of yet). I tried to explain that I generally have less than one drink a month, sometimes two or 3 in December, if I go to a couple of parties. It was useless. She was utterly convinced that liqour was the spew of the Satan. Needless to say, that was our last date. Other than that specific subject she seemed to be an intellegent, attractive lady. however her reaction on that subject opened the door to the possibility of other irrational beliefs she may have had. It wasn't worth the possible drama to find out.
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