nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I think I'm having a severe reality check here. I always go for unavailable men. Always. I haven't had a relationship with an available man in over 6 years. My first question is why? Why do i choose these types...either married, or emotionally unavailable, or much much older than me. Secondly, my married (but separated) Boyfriend is very financially supportive of me. I work, but do not make enough to live here without him. I also was accepted to Grad school, and was hoping to not work for the time i will be there. BF is okay with that too. He won't get divorced. And so I want to leave him, but how do i do that since I am so financially dependent? I want to leave. i love him, but cannot take being anyone's side dish any longer. How does one get out of a relationship when they are so financially dependent? My parents will not help. I have no other income and no other possibility to make more money at this time (hence Grad school plans). Any advice?
Dominique Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Hi Cairo, If you stay in this kind of situation, you will not be able to concentrate on your studies. You will be a mess. Break free. You can always post pone Graduate School for one year to work for a while or you can do like so many, go to school and work. You will feel 1000% better and very proud of yourself. Breaking away means in every sense, also financial. Think of what might happen if you meet some new guy, who is single and very attractive to you....And you are being supported through school. Just think how uncomfortable that will all become. There are many ways to pay for school and none has to be severe or draining or dull. Your entire focus has to shift now, once and for all. It is usually bad enough to be the "ow", you do NOT want to be the "paid for" mistress to boot.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Seriously, have some self dignity and get a part time job. Woman fought for equality for the last 40 years so we could actually be independent and not be subjected to male chauvinism. You do not want to be considered the "other woman" who's financially dependent, in the long run, you'll come out as the whore and even women themselves would lose respect for you.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Seriously, have some self dignity and get a part time job. Woman fought for equality for the last 40 years so we could actually be independent and not be subjected to male chauvinism. You do not want to be considered the "other woman" who's financially dependent, in the long run, you'll come out as the whore and even women themselves would lose respect for you. I'm not opposed to working, dont get me wrong. I just know I'll be a better student if I can avoid doing that. PLUS, PT work will not cut it...not in this city anyway. I will not be able to afford to live on PT work. Who on earth will hire me when my needs are all over the place? Grad school classes are some weekends, nights, days....I can't imagine anyone hiring somoene who has this type of unpredictable schedule.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I always go for unavailable men. Always. I haven't had a relationship with an available man in over 6 years. My first question is why? Why do i choose these types...either married, or emotionally unavailable, or much much older than me. It sounds cliche, but was your father distant and emotionally cold toward you when you were growing up (particularly when you hit puberty and afterward), or was he absent altogether? Sometimes women who spend their child- and young-adulthoods trying to win the affections of their indifferent fathers tend to repeat that cycle all their lives with equally unemotionally unavailable men.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'm not opposed to working, dont get me wrong. I just know I'll be a better student if I can avoid doing that. PLUS, PT work will not cut it...not in this city anyway. I will not be able to afford to live on PT work. Who on earth will hire me when my needs are all over the place? Grad school classes are some weekends, nights, days....I can't imagine anyone hiring somoene who has this type of unpredictable schedule. Then take the advice of the first poster, and maybe try to postpone school and work until you saved up enough. Perhaps you could draw out a loan or something? Usually alot of students are very frugal and would last out a week on just ramen noodles.....
Prosecco Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'm not opposed to working, dont get me wrong. I just know I'll be a better student if I can avoid doing that. PLUS, PT work will not cut it...not in this city anyway. I will not be able to afford to live on PT work. Who on earth will hire me when my needs are all over the place? Grad school classes are some weekends, nights, days....I can't imagine anyone hiring somoene who has this type of unpredictable schedule. What city are you in? And what grad school? Some offer financial assistance if you research it. Or advice. And they might be able to help with getting a semi-regular timetable to work around. Also - a lot of students have debts when they finished - there are student loans and graduate loans that offer decent rates till you finish (then you work your ass off to pay them off). Living can be cheaper than you expect - if you find student digs and share appropriately. And things like giving up alcohol etc can really help with student budgets (though obviously is hard). It wont be easy - but it is possible to self-fund through grad school. Personally - it sounds to me like you're making an excuse to stay (consciously or not). I couldn't take money from someone I wasn't 110% committed to - and even then I'd need an arrangement to pay it back.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Cairodancer, you're one big ball of conflicting emotions, darting from one extreme, to the other. Forget everything for awhile and start working on self-control and purposeful direction. If you don't, you'll never complete anything in your life, always taking the easiest emotional direction that presents itself. Being successful in life, means getting somewhere you want to go. Apparently, you live for the next 60 seconds.
sally4sara Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I can't even imagine staying in a relationship where I am not happy just because of money. If you want something (like your own place) you work a job and a half or two to get it. If you want to go to grad school, you make sure your credit is clean enough to get a loan. Your parents do not owe it to you and your boyfriend (flawed as he may be) isn't a way to meet your financial needs. That isn't a very honorable way of taking care of your financial needs. Perhaps you end up with the guys you end up with because of your methods of getting by in the adult world. You use them and they use you and no one ends up happy. When you stop looking to them to meet your needs, you will feel more like you deserve to be treated better and will only bother with men who treat you well. The guys that will treat you well won't put up with being looked at like a meal ticket. They guys who will put up with it won't respect you.
audrey_1 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Um, student loan application, maybe? Depending on what graduate degree you're pursuing, yeah, it could be a financial burden for a while, but it's YOUR money and YOUR livelihood. I just finished paying mine off last year, and you know what, it feels awesome to have done it on my own. Plus, I took a full load and worked TWO jobs. Only borrowed enough for living expenses. Sounds like you need a dose of confidence or motivation or both.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 It sounds cliche, but was your father distant and emotionally cold toward you when you were growing up (particularly when you hit puberty and afterward), or was he absent altogether? Sometimes women who spend their child- and young-adulthoods trying to win the affections of their indifferent fathers tend to repeat that cycle all their lives with equally unemotionally unavailable men. Yes. He was emotionally distant. He was around, but never seemed to care about me. I am also the youngest of three, and the only daughter. Tell me more, because I dont know much about this. Thanks
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Please do not think I loko at my man as a meal ticket. This is not true. I work, and am willing to work. And i love my man. If he would just get a freaking divorce, I would feel better about being with him. i just want a commitment from him. i want a man without a wife. Thats all. If he could give me that, there is no reason for me to leave. I've looked into loans, and financial aid. I'm already in the hole from my undergrad. 18,000 to be exact. Even scholarships too. I feel like some of you are beating up on me. I think I'm misunderstood.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Please do not think I loko at my man as a meal ticket. This is not true. I work, and am willing to work. And i love my man. If he would just get a freaking divorce, I would feel better about being with him. i just want a commitment from him. i want a man without a wife. Thats all. If he could give me that, there is no reason for me to leave. I've looked into loans, and financial aid. I'm already in the hole from my undergrad. 18,000 to be exact. Even scholarships too. I feel like some of you are beating up on me. I think I'm misunderstood. You know that you can't let a man's actions determine your future. If he's with his wife there is no hope that he will ever fully committ to you. That's the price you pay to be the "other woman". Men cheat for the reason of being able to get away with infidelity behind their wives back, it's similar to an adrenaline rush. You hardly care about the guy, so why is it that you're still want him to leave his wife for you? Most likely he never will, so why are you still hanging around him. Kick him to the curb if you have to. Your future would be so much better.
melodymatters Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I don't get that the biggest issue is "she doesn't care about him" or can't find a way to pay for grad school ( though that sounds like a consideration) but that she LOVES him older or not, and he is not legally divorced. THEN, she feels like she can't make a stand on this issue due to her finacial dependence.
paladin1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Hey; Cairo... been there, sorta. Paid for my doctorate degree with a full time job while going to school full time, went to school in a major city while owning a condo. Have 80 grand in various student loans at this point, but I did it and am making a very good salary 1 year out of school now. Thing is; you have to decide what your priorities are and what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want. Consider 1) student loans and grants; if you are in the US and not making enough money to support yourself; likely you qualify for grants in addition to loans. 2) Student housing at the university 3) On campus jobs, in my field the school offered free (yes free) tuition if you worked full time for them during breaks and part time during the year. There are ways to get what you want on your own; but you must be willing to sacrifice your social life (ya won't have one if you take on full time work and grad school) and put yourself in a little debt if necessary through school loans. If you are not willing to do this; then perhaps you should sit down and take a hard look about what is more valuable; your grad school dreams or...? Good luck; it is a hard road to take but I think it was completely worth it in my case and I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now professionally without it. I think you will find any monetary and time sacrifice you make for a continuance of your education repays far more dividends in the future to you. Now if only I could get my personal life back on track
daisygirl Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Yes. He was emotionally distant. He was around, but never seemed to care about me. I am also the youngest of three, and the only daughter. Tell me more, because I dont know much about this. Thanks I had the same situation with my father, Cairo.....
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Yes. He was emotionally distant. He was around, but never seemed to care about me. I am also the youngest of three, and the only daughter. Tell me more, because I dont know much about this. Thanks Man, there is a ton of stuff out there. I would start with a google search for "emotionally unavailable men" and go from there. You will find a wealth of information. I've been involved with men like that - more often than not, really. My father started out loving, but when I started to hit puberty he turned on me. Shut me out. I was the spitting image of my mother: a woman he hated with every fiber of his being. He could love me as a child, but not as a woman. You can imagine I ended up with some real winners trying to sort that emotional stuff out. We find ourselves with men who subconsciously remind us of our distant and indifferent fathers, and do everything in our power to make them love us like we wished our fathers had. Unfortunately, you can't change men like that or win them over but it doesn't stop us from trying. I eventually got out of the loop after I made peace with my own rage against my father for mapping the "whore" onto me, and punishing me for being from her.
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Please do not think I loko at my man as a meal ticket. This is not true. I work, and am willing to work. And i love my man. If he would just get a freaking divorce, I would feel better about being with him. i just want a commitment from him. i want a man without a wife. Thats all. If he could give me that, there is no reason for me to leave. I've looked into loans, and financial aid. I'm already in the hole from my undergrad. 18,000 to be exact. Even scholarships too. I feel like some of you are beating up on me. I think I'm misunderstood. I am not trying to beat up on you, but offer a "harsh reality check" that you alluded to in the OP. Fact is, he DOES have a wife. He HASN'T gotten divorced and may not EVER. My signature fits this situation perfectly.
Enema Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You know you don't want to be with the guy. It's a real gunt act to stay with him because he's supporting you. This type of thing is what drove Woggle insane.
daisygirl Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Man, there is a ton of stuff out there. I would start with a google search for "emotionally unavailable men" and go from there. You will find a wealth of information. I've been involved with men like that - more often than not, really. My father started out loving, but when I started to hit puberty he turned on me. Shut me out. I was the spitting image of my mother: a woman he hated with every fiber of his being. He could love me as a child, but not as a woman. You can imagine I ended up with some real winners trying to sort that emotional stuff out. We find ourselves with men who subconsciously remind us of our distant and indifferent fathers, and do everything in our power to make them love us like we wished our fathers had. Unfortunately, you can't change men like that or win them over but it doesn't stop us from trying. I eventually got out of the loop after I made peace with my own rage against my father for mapping the "whore" onto me, and punishing me for being from her. OMG, this sounds so much like my situation. My dad was great until I was around 13-14, then I don't know what happened. Now, I am 27, and he hasn't called me in over a year (he lives in another state). Anyway, I also have always gone for emotionally unavailable men - men w/ girlfriends, one married man (I didn't know he was married when I first became interested in him), etc. Now I am married, but my H is VERY emotionally distant. I also married him very quickly, like I couldn't wait to be "rescued". Sorry to hijack, but it was just good to read that someone has been through this and recovered....thanks for posting this, Lucrezia
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You know you don't want to be with the guy. It's a real gunt act to stay with him because he's supporting you. This type of thing is what drove Woggle insane. I fully agree with this.
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It's a real gunt act to stay with him because he's supporting you. This type of thing is what drove Woggle insane. I second that.
sally4sara Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You know you don't want to be with the guy. It's a real gunt act to stay with him because he's supporting you. This type of thing is what drove Woggle insane. No doubt! We don't need more men running around with that mindset so Cario, put your big girl panties on and get where you want to be with your own efforts and resources! Staying with the guy so he will keep a roof over your head while you go to school is shady. You probably didn't get into this relationship with that agenda in mind. Don't let it devolve into something that will look ugly on your behalf.
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