lesabre Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) I need some advice, another viewpoint, etc. My marriage is not falling apart, but I am one unhappy wife right now. My husband and I have been married 28 years and have 3 children. This has been an ongoing problem for me. My husband is not a good communicator. For the most part he does not share what went on with his day. He says it doesn't occur to him and that he has nothing to say. If he goes to lunch with a friend, I would expect it normal for him to share how his friend is doing or what he is up to. This does not happen voluntarily. If he happens to let it slip that he went to lunch with a friend, I will usually ask what's new, what are they up to etc. I'll pretty much get short answers to my questions. I also can't imagine that he goes to lunch with a friend and just sits there like a bump on a log. My husband is not real talkative at home, with me or our children. He has a routine when he gets home, puts away his gym clothes, change clothes, get organized for the next day. He likes to vacuum, so he does that too. My husband does not come home happy. He doesn't walk in the door with a smile on his face and a greeting for his family. We might exchange a small "hey" and that is because I do it. After he gets his chores done, we'll eat dinner. If we eat at the table, he has to have the T.V. on so he can watch that. Of course that pretty much means no conversation. If we don't eat at the table together he'll be in one room in front of the T.V. and I'll be in another room. He'll usually "yell out" good dinner! to me. We do go out to eat dinner, at least once a week. My husband usually chooses the place we eat. The same place over and over. When I have requested we go to another restaurant in a bigger city about 20 - 30 min. away, he does not want to, because he has a T.V. show that he wants to watch. T.V. is very important to him and he has his shows he watches several days of the week. We had out of town company the past few days. It was a childhood friend of my husbands, his wife and their daughter. My husband had plenty to say to his friend and his wife. He was quite the tour guide when we went to an amusement park, that was really interesting because when we had gone previously with our own family my husband acted quite bored. While driving to the park, there was of course conversation. My husband was quite verbal when his friend and his family were visiting. At one point, I mentioned that my husband was good about buying me jewelry, and he has been. I made a positive comment about my husband. Imagine my surprise (and hurt) when my husband piped up and said the only reason he bought jewelry was because if we ever got hard up and needed the money, we could sell it! My husband had always told me previously and privately that he enjoyed buying me jewelry and wanted me to have it. I was really hurt by that comment. After he realized that I was upset by that comment, he was sure to tell me that he was "joking". I don't like *mean* jokes at my expense. They are not jokes to me. I wonder why he didn't say *I only bought myself a new motorcycle, so that I can sell it when or if we get hard up*. BTW, we've never, ever had to sell a thing because we were hard up. I do need to say that after he was aware that I was upset, then he started to backpaddle, that's why he buys guns and coins......................... to sell them if he needed to. ??? The next thing I won't even write specifically on here, because the reference was sexual in nature. I am not a prude, but I do believe our sexual life is private. My husbands friend made what they considered to be a funny sexual comment that I was able to hear. I don't think he intended for me to hear though. When I got closer, my husband pipes up with a sexual comment to me in front of his friend. I was not happy, didn't smile and let my husband know I didn't like it. My husband said "Oh come on, lighten up!" My husband should be well aware of what I would consider funny and what I would be upset about, it's no secret. I find this so disrespectful! There were a couple of other incidences, but I'll leave you with just one more. This couple was getting ready to leave this morning and we all go outside to see them off. My husband is being his chatty self with his friend and his wife. When they finally get everything together and are ready to leave, my husband walks up to the car to say goodbye to them and then he gets in his own car to leave to go to work. There I stand without any kind of acknowledgement from my husband. No, see ya, no good bye, no kiss, no nothing. I said goodbye friend and turned and walked back into the house. My husband gets the drift and yells at me to "come here". * I * am supposed to walk back to him to be acknowleged? I was hurt and continued walking into the house and my husband left for work. My husband did call to apologize for not saying goodbye to me this morning. I'm not feeling so forgiving. How is it, my husband can pull his "stunts" and life goes on until I say something about it and he will apologize and then I am supposed to get over it immediately? I feel like my heart has been stabbed. Like all the things he told me before aren't true. He even got pissed off at me about the jewelry when he called to apologize. He said angrily, don't you believe what I have told you? I like to buy you jewelry! If he liked to buy me jewelry, why couldn't he just say that and not the only reason I buy it is so that I can sell it if I need money?! He's 49 years old for Pete's sake! My husband explains his behavior by saying he just didn't think. Now, he doesn't want for me to be upset, but at the time in front of his friend, he wasn't overly concerned. Am I wrong to be upset with this treatment? Because I am very upset. I feel very used and like my emotions are being toyed with AND that I cannot TRUST what my husband tells me. I am angry that someone *I* love chooses to treat me like this. Love should not EVER hurt or leave doubt or confusion. I am not liking him too much at this moment. Edited March 18, 2008 by lesabre
sedona Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Have you tried talking about this to your husband at a time when you're not upset? So not in the heat of the moment? Does he know how you feel because you've told him? Remember that he can't read your mind, even though you feel these things should be obvious to him. Also, do you have concrete suggestions for him? What is it you really want? Can you communicate this to him in a non-threatening conversation? Sorry, maybe you've already done all this, but you don't mention it. It doesn't help, I know, but I can understand your frustration. Communication is vital to keeping a relationship alive and strong!
Author lesabre Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks Sedona. Yes, I have talked to him. No, I didn't wait until I calmed down. I am still angry, but I am not a raving lunatic. I guess what I'm looking for is others opinions that this is unacceptable behavior from one's husband.............. or not. What do his comments say about him? What does my angry response to this say about me? He has apologized and said he didn't realize he was doing it, but can see it now. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. How do you NOT know you are doing it, especially when your wife doesn't respond all warm and fuzzy?
sedona Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It seems to me that if it upsets you, then it's not acceptable and you two have to clear the air. And ok, maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing. He's not you. What is crystal clear to you may be really be a complete mystery to him. That just means that you have to sit down - at a time when you're not upset -- and explain what you feel is wrong and how you suggest fixing it. Not a demand, but more like a negotiation. You need to find a compromise that you can both live with. If the TV thing really bothers you, then maybe suggest that you eat together and talk together 3 nights a week, and he get to watch his programs the other nights. You have to take his concerns seriously, but he also has to take yours seriously. Just because you've been married for so long doesn't mean you can take each other for granted.
car2007 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Lesabre - I read your post and thought it could have almost been written by my wife. We've been married 15 years and are now separated, kind of (because I still live at the house). I can't say I've been quite as rude as some of the anecdotes you've related about your husband, but I do identify with the bad communication and emotional distance issue. Speaking from my own experience, the trouble began early on in my own marriage, it just happened that we had enough distraction (houses, kid, work) that our own personal issues took a back seat. Quite frankly I wonder whether we ever really had enough of a connection to make it as a married couple. I love her, but I do not feel close to her. This is why I have to purposely remember to bring up conversation sometimes instead of just saying "hi" after work and start in with tv or doing something with our child. It does not come natural for me with her, I have trouble understanding her and we haven't figured out why. She has a similar problem with me. She can find plenty to talk about, but she says she doesn't really understand me. I'm afraid this may not give you much insight, but at least you're not alone.
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