LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 in so many breakups people... - leave so many loose ends hanging? - walk away from a breakup confused about what just happened? - act worse than children? i mean how hard is it to have a real conversation and get real clarity without making random assumptions, projecting our own wants and insecurities into the mix, screaming, crying, shouting, walking away, and inserting our perceptions into the final conversations? barring that, how hard is it to just take what we've heard at face value and proceed as if that's the truth? if we still have questions afterward, how hard is it to ASK them? why don't we? are we afraid of what we'll hear? do we suck as communicators that badly? guess so.
LakesideDream Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Wait until you fall in love. You may find your attitude and "assumptions" go through a radical change.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 i'm in love and dealing with a break now. what's your point?
1bee Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 well. just before i went no contact with him. i asked him. i asked him why he dumped me and that he could be as hateful and cruel as he wanted to be. and he still replied. he didn't know. it wasn't me it was him. he failed me, blah, blah. he still wanted to be a " stupid kid", he was having a "blast", he needed to find himself, he was "lost". and the reason why i ended up not believing him was because he started dating someone else. therefore the problem was ME in some way and he didn't have the balls to be upfront about it and tell me what I did wrong.
backspn Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I would agree. If we could just sit down and talk it out clearly then it would be a clean break but we have emotions and assumptions, its human nature. When you love someone and they dont want you anymore, you question it.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 hard to be logical about it because the emotions get in the way? and there are always more questions no matter how many you get answered? that kind of thing? i've seen some people do it...it works sometimes, i guess. but it probably all depends on the situation and how honest and yes courageous people are with each other?
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 well. just before i went no contact with him. i asked him. i asked him why he dumped me and that he could be as hateful and cruel as he wanted to be. and he still replied. he didn't know. it wasn't me it was him. he failed me, blah, blah. he still wanted to be a " stupid kid", he was having a "blast", he needed to find himself, he was "lost". and the reason why i ended up not believing him was because he started dating someone else. therefore the problem was ME in some way and he didn't have the balls to be upfront about it and tell me what I did wrong. kinda sounds like he didn't want to make himself sound too shallow? or he didn't even KNOW or something.... also, thing was...odds are you didn't do anything "wrong." it was all him. what he didn't have the balls for was just saying, it's not right for me, thus leaving you to hold the questions forever and question yourself.
MIKE2579 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Im my case, even the truth I don't believe. It is one of them kind of things that I only want to believe what I want to believe due to my own selfishness and taking everything personal. Auto-Defense all the time. I think if I could take things at face value, I would have been a ot better off in this life. I always assumed the worse and thought the best had alterior motives to it.
backspn Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 hard to be logical about it because the emotions get in the way? and there are always more questions no matter how many you get answered? that kind of thing? Yes. No matter what they tell you or how honest they are, do you really know? There will always be questions. I guess only time can tell. I would like to think that after a woman rejects a man then decides a few weeks or few months later that she really does want him that she will try again with him. Or do they just chalk it up to another one lost? Or actually call him? Would be nice if love was easy.
sedgwick Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You mean like when someone tells you they love you and always want to be close to you, and then stops speaking to you? Yeah, I'd like an answer to that one too. I would so much prefer having been told that he wanted nothing to do with me and would be ignoring me from henceforth. But then, at this point, I pretty much think everything he said was a lie.
aln186 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I think the problem is, whoever it is that decides to "cut and run"... they go into a self protect mode. My Ex in particular, she never gave me reasons for why it wouldn't work, she simply told me, "Accept it, it's over and that's all you need to know", then went NC and after a couple of days asking that we talk about things with no reply, I just gave up and accepted that that's the way it would be for us. She didn't want to talk because the reasons she gave me were not the real reasons she wanted the split. She'd have me believe that 2+2=5 and I was suppose to just believe it but I'm just not that gullible. To this day, I don't know what her real reasons were, just that what she said didn't quite add up. Personally, I can accept a break-up. I can go on with things but it's always much more comforting when you can get some closure. If it's a "good" break, then I don't see any reason why two adults can't sit down, talk about the reasons things didn't work, thank each other for the good times and agree to move on. Everyone I have ever had a serious relationship with... we were always good friends from the start. I would like to think we could remain that way through a break. If I genuinely care for someone, then I want them to know that I will be there for them should they need anything. If the other person doesn't want that then I can respect that and still move on. I just know what I've observed in the relationships I've been in. Some just can't remain civil. It's easier for them to build up those barriers, agree to hate you, then move on. I guess it makes it easier for them to get through the process. Then again, I'm the exact opposite.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 guess a person has to be really honest with themselves before they can be honest with another, eh? unless they're a psychopathic or sociopathic liar, or whatever the right term is. and there are some of those out there too.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 You mean like when someone tells you they love you and always want to be close to you, and then stops speaking to you? Yeah, I'd like an answer to that one too. I would so much prefer having been told that he wanted nothing to do with me and would be ignoring me from henceforth. But then, at this point, I pretty much think everything he said was a lie. yeah. exactly like that. just too WEIRD and I'd say definitely something wrong with THEM and not YOU.
backspn Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You mean like when someone tells you they love you and always want to be close to you, and then stops speaking to you? That hits home. Like going out with someone and talking about future plans and how much chemisty you have then 2 days later saying she just wants to be friends for now? Thats another story though.
audrey_1 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 in so many breakups people... - leave so many loose ends hanging? - walk away from a breakup confused about what just happened? - act worse than children? i mean how hard is it to have a real conversation and get real clarity without making random assumptions, projecting our own wants and insecurities into the mix, screaming, crying, shouting, walking away, and inserting our perceptions into the final conversations? barring that, how hard is it to just take what we've heard at face value and proceed as if that's the truth? if we still have questions afterward, how hard is it to ASK them? why don't we? are we afraid of what we'll hear? do we suck as communicators that badly? guess so. Very good question. It made me think about my current situation. I'm in a LDR, and just before we started seeing each other (childhood friends reuinited), he broke up with his girlfriend of 15 months. He told me they were sitting on the couch watching a movie, and he was thinking and thinking of how to discuss their impending breakup. He said he told her he didn't see their relationship going any further. But he has never said anything negative about her, which I see as a positive thing. We are NOT in a committed relationship, consequently. He said he wants to take it slow and he's working on his career, since he's about to be involved in a layoff. I hope she did get closure, but because he began dating me so soon thereafter, did it mean it WAS something about her that caused him to leave or was it because I became available after breaking my engagement? IDK. But maybe she didn't get closure from that conversation, because when he still had a myspace page (which he later deleted), she left a comment for him saying, "Check your email, I had something to say!"
Prosecco Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 hard to be logical about it because the emotions get in the way? and there are always more questions no matter how many you get answered? that kind of thing? i've seen some people do it...it works sometimes, i guess. but it probably all depends on the situation and how honest and yes courageous people are with each other? I think that even with good breakups (HA - as if they exist) - there can never be true understanding. People express things in different ways, have different beliefs that affect their interpretation of things. And - if people have viewed a relationship differently, they may simply not be able to understand the other person's point of view. Successful communication is hard at the best of times - throw in emotions, and hidden hopes etc - and you're bound to not be on the same page, however much you both want to be. I got every question I asked answered - or he tried. But even then, I didn't have understanding - as my personality means I can't understand how someone could be as caring, as affectionate etc as he could without being in love. I just fundementally can't... comprehend it. So - I have to take his words at face value, and believe them without understanding.
saddad1 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I agree 100% with Prosecco. Not to say there can never be true understanding but I think it would very rare indeed especially in breakups where there is no infidelity/violence or any other obvious relationship destroying behaviour. My fiancee dumped me 1 year ago and I tried to find some sense in it for a long time. No matter how hard I tried to understand and she tried to explain I just don't get it and have given up trying to "get it". I so wish I could understand so that I can forgive her instead of feeling bitterness towards her. I haven't posted much on here because I'm trying to get on with my life instead of pondering endlessly but for those of you who don't know we were together for 6 years, have 3 kids together, had just bought a house and were engaged, then *BAM*. I'll never understand it and can only explain it by assuming that she never did really love me in the same way that I understand/believe love to be.
audrey_1 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I think that even with good breakups (HA - as if they exist) - there can never be true understanding. People express things in different ways, have different beliefs that affect their interpretation of things. And - if people have viewed a relationship differently, they may simply not be able to understand the other person's point of view. Successful communication is hard at the best of times - throw in emotions, and hidden hopes etc - and you're bound to not be on the same page, however much you both want to be. Well said.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I think that even with good breakups (HA - as if they exist) - there can never be true understanding. People express things in different ways, have different beliefs that affect their interpretation of things. And - if people have viewed a relationship differently, they may simply not be able to understand the other person's point of view. Successful communication is hard at the best of times - throw in emotions, and hidden hopes etc - and you're bound to not be on the same page, however much you both want to be. I got every question I asked answered - or he tried. But even then, I didn't have understanding - as my personality means I can't understand how someone could be as caring, as affectionate etc as he could without being in love. I just fundementally can't... comprehend it. So - I have to take his words at face value, and believe them without understanding. You're absolutely right about the different perspectives, and emotions, and hopes. Boy are you. I suppose in the end we understand what we're capable of with what we've been given and accept that there are some things we just won't ever know. Hard as that may be to come to terms with.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I agree 100% with Prosecco. Not to say there can never be true understanding but I think it would very rare indeed especially in breakups where there is no infidelity/violence or any other obvious relationship destroying behaviour. My fiancee dumped me 1 year ago and I tried to find some sense in it for a long time. No matter how hard I tried to understand and she tried to explain I just don't get it and have given up trying to "get it". I so wish I could understand so that I can forgive her instead of feeling bitterness towards her. I haven't posted much on here because I'm trying to get on with my life instead of pondering endlessly but for those of you who don't know we were together for 6 years, have 3 kids together, had just bought a house and were engaged, then *BAM*. I'll never understand it and can only explain it by assuming that she never did really love me in the same way that I understand/believe love to be. I'm so sorry. That sounds like it was a tough one. Always harder when kids are involved, I guess. And yeah...about love...get any 10 people together at any given time and you probably get 100 definitions of what love is.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Very good question. It made me think about my current situation. I'm in a LDR, and just before we started seeing each other (childhood friends reuinited), he broke up with his girlfriend of 15 months. He told me they were sitting on the couch watching a movie, and he was thinking and thinking of how to discuss their impending breakup. He said he told her he didn't see their relationship going any further. But he has never said anything negative about her, which I see as a positive thing. We are NOT in a committed relationship, consequently. He said he wants to take it slow and he's working on his career, since he's about to be involved in a layoff. I hope she did get closure, but because he began dating me so soon thereafter, did it mean it WAS something about her that caused him to leave or was it because I became available after breaking my engagement? IDK. But maybe she didn't get closure from that conversation, because when he still had a myspace page (which he later deleted), she left a comment for him saying, "Check your email, I had something to say!" There's a lot to be said for taking it slow. I really liked it this last go round. Then things got hard and in some ways accelerated then ground to a screeching halt. I guess there are always at least a few followup questions, and it's probably good to try to get the answers to them when and if you can. There's enough stuff to churn in your head and anything that can be eliminated is a positive.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 That hits home. Like going out with someone and talking about future plans and how much chemisty you have then 2 days later saying she just wants to be friends for now? Thats another story though. Hits home here too. See a guy one day, and it's wonderful, fly home, then get told two days later you have to cool it. Link your story?
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