nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I dont think my love life can get any more confusing. so much is going on right now, and then of course this happens. The short of it... I'm in a relationship with a man who will not divorce his wife although they've been separated for over 3 years. I'm upset, want some commitment from him that he is not willing to give. We considered having an open relationship until he can make the move and get divorced. We never agreed on it, just thought about it. Then, two nights ago, my ex BF who i have had no contact with for over 5 years tracks me down. i loved him like noone else before, and our breakup was ugly. He left me because he claims i put too much pressure on him for a future. He swore he was not the marrying kind. He fell in love a month later, with a woman 25 years younger. He married her 2 years later. He even had a vasectomy reversal so they could have kids together. He cheated on her with me in the beginning, before they were married. she found out and made him agree to no contact with me forever. he did. then she left, in search of something, not sure if it is forever, or just for a little while. but he contacts me, tries to clean up the mess that was left. we flirt. we chat. we get closure...or did we? he wants to have cyber sex, or phone sex. he says i am irresistable. he says he cannot be near me without wanting to have me. I ask him what his wife would think and he said he will not tell her. He will lie. He has been honest to tell me, he will lie about me. Why am i such a wreck over him. I can't stop thinking about him and I'm furious because WHY does he always use me? Why am I always available. Ther eis this part of me that would love to have him back. but WHY???? What am I to make of all of this? Help.
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 What am I to make of all of this? You have a thing for emotionally unavailable and/or legally unavailable men? Are you sure you are hoping for a commitment with someone? If so, then you will need to avoid getting involved with the kind of men you have been getting involved with. And get out of those relationships when you see they are not available. Because time is passing by every day that you are with them, time you won't ever be able to get back. Do not get involved with cyber sex with your ex. That will just suck you back into a very unhealthy situation with nothing good to show for it. He was out of your life, he is married - leave him to his problems and don't let him become one of YOUR problems. As for your current bf, it's up to you to make a choice on what's important to you. If you want marriage and commitment, then you have to let him know that you want marriage, and that you won't wait any longer for him to start his divorce proceedings. If he doesn't, be prepared to end that relationship so you have the emotional and mental energy to eventually meet someone who CAN and WANTS to give you what you want from a relationship. Trying an open relationship with him will not get you there. That will just get more complicated. The only guys who will want to be with you will also be guys who do not want a commitment...guys who want love and commitment aren't going to seriously date a woman who is in an open relationship with someone else.
LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Ugh. So now not one but two married men? This is rather messy. If I were you I'd be a little angry, I think, that either of them doesn't feel enough for me to commit to me yet thinks nothing of being with me when it's convenient. I'd also wonder about my sanity for even considering taking on another emotionally unavailable man, past history or not. I'd be apt to just say adios to both of them and let them attempt to rectify things or please me. Please don't think I'm calling you insane...I'm just saying that's what I'd be thinking at this point. I can certainly understand the situation and how it happens...been there done that.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Ugh. So now not one but two married men? This is rather messy. If I were you I'd be a little angry, I think, that either of them doesn't feel enough for me to commit to me yet thinks nothing of being with me when it's convenient. I'd also wonder about my sanity for even considering taking on another emotionally unavailable man, past history or not. I'd be apt to just say adios to both of them and let them attempt to rectify things or please me. Please don't think I'm calling you insane...I'm just saying that's what I'd be thinking at this point. I can certainly understand the situation and how it happens...been there done that. You are so so right. And I woke up this morning totally angry at him (the ex) for just continuing to do this to me. I am making a promise to myself to end all contact with him. He is nothing but trouble. Thanks for shedding some nonjudgemental light on me. Trouble trouble trouble.... As far as the current BF (who is not divorced) he got so jealous about the ex contacting me....and that makes me angry too. I think i need to end all of my relationships right now. The major problem with this is that i am so financially dependent on him. I work, but do not make enough to continue to live where I do. I also got accepted to grad school, and cannot afford it without the help and supoprt of my BF. I feel like crying right now. I wish i could just leave everyone right now.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I just made the decision. I emailed him to tell him not to contact me again, and that i wish him the best. It hurts, but I'll be happier in the long run.
LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Probably the wise decision. Don't let him hurt you again in any way. As for the other, eventually you'll reach your limit and get stronger and deal with that too.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Probably the wise decision. Don't let him hurt you again in any way. As for the other, eventually you'll reach your limit and get stronger and deal with that too. Thanks Lucid...You have given me the strength... And i hope so about the current BF. I love him, but I'm over being everyone's side dish. CD
LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Ahh...welcome...but you do know the strength's in you, right? Probably just needed a reminder
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Ahh...welcome...but you do know the strength's in you, right? Probably just needed a reminder Yes, thanks. Fort he first time ever, I have made the wiser decision. But why does it hurt me so much? I'm at work right now and have to do everything in my power to not breakdown right now. I am just so upset.
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Yes, thanks. Fort he first time ever, I have made the wiser decision. But why does it hurt me so much? I'm at work right now and have to do everything in my power to not breakdown right now. I am just so upset. Are you upset because he still means something to you and you had to say no to him? Or because he still means something to you, yet you see that all you mean to him is a little fun and games on the side? Or that you feel stuck in a bad situation all-around with your current bf? It could be any or all of the above.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Are you upset because he still means something to you and you had to say no to him? Or because he still means something to you, yet you see that all you mean to him is a little fun and games on the side? Or that you feel stuck in a bad situation all-around with your current bf? It could be any or all of the above. All of the above. Everything.
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 All of the above. Everything. The only one you can do anything about is your current relationship, so focus on what's going on there. I know you said you feel financially dependent on him, but you can get creative and figure out how to make it on your own. Get a smaller place while you go to grad school. Most schools have student housing available...sure, it may not be ideal, but if grad school is important, then you can make the sacrifice for a better future for yourself. Or find another roommate who can share the living expenses with you. There are also student loans available. While not ideal, you don't have to pay them until you graduate, and they can help fund your education. Would you stay with him if you were financially better off? If you wouldn't, then you need to consider your options because staying with a man only because you are dependent on him will ultimately make you very resentful and angry. If you do love him and the only problem is he won't get a divorce, it's time to have a calm discussion with him about WHY. There must be a reason he's holding back, and he needs to be open with you about what it is. You can't resolve that until you know why he's holding on. If he's actually jealous that your ex contacted you, he seems to have feelings for you and doesn't want someone else to have you, so wtf is his deal? If he loves and respects you, he should be willing to discuss this with you and listen to what your thoughts are about love, marriage, commitment, and express his thoughts as well. Maybe he's afraid of getting into another marriage? Maybe he's afraid his wife will get all his money? Maybe he's afraid you'll want children and he doesn't want them? Whatever it is, he needs to tell you so you can make informed decisions of your own about YOUR life and YOUR future. His choices are affecting YOU and he needs to get it that it's not all about him.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 The only one you can do anything about is your current relationship, so focus on what's going on there. I know you said you feel financially dependent on him, but you can get creative and figure out how to make it on your own. Get a smaller place while you go to grad school. Most schools have student housing available...sure, it may not be ideal, but if grad school is important, then you can make the sacrifice for a better future for yourself. Or find another roommate who can share the living expenses with you. There are also student loans available. While not ideal, you don't have to pay them until you graduate, and they can help fund your education. Would you stay with him if you were financially better off? If you wouldn't, then you need to consider your options because staying with a man only because you are dependent on him will ultimately make you very resentful and angry. If you do love him and the only problem is he won't get a divorce, it's time to have a calm discussion with him about WHY. There must be a reason he's holding back, and he needs to be open with you about what it is. You can't resolve that until you know why he's holding on. If he's actually jealous that your ex contacted you, he seems to have feelings for you and doesn't want someone else to have you, so wtf is his deal? If he loves and respects you, he should be willing to discuss this with you and listen to what your thoughts are about love, marriage, commitment, and express his thoughts as well. Maybe he's afraid of getting into another marriage? Maybe he's afraid his wife will get all his money? Maybe he's afraid you'll want children and he doesn't want them? Whatever it is, he needs to tell you so you can make informed decisions of your own about YOUR life and YOUR future. His choices are affecting YOU and he needs to get it that it's not all about him. WTF is right!!! We have had that discussion. He definately does not want to get married again. Nor does he want kids. He cannot give me any reason why he will not leave the W other than "I just don't know, it's not a priority for me" Him and his ex are on very good terms, andare very good friends who share a business together and parenting. I've tried to have thjat discussion. We wind up fighting about it. It's getting worse and worse. Yes, if I were financially secure, I would leave. I feel like I deserve a man who will commit. I do love my BF, but I'm hurting so much because he is treating me this way. He told me he doesn't trust our relationship. He thinks i'll leave him for another man. I just dont know what to do anymore. Leaving is the only option. I wish I could just come into $100,000 somehow. It'll get me out on my own, able to afford something, school, my own life. I really F%$#ed up getting involved with this one. i was doing okay before him.
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 He told me he doesn't trust our relationship. He thinks i'll leave him for another man. Maybe he needs to understand you will not leave him for another man, but because of another woman - his wife. Maybe he needs to be very, very clear that you WILL leave him because of HIS inaction in not getting a divorce. It may not be a priority for him, but it is for you, and if he does want to be with you, then he needs to get off his ass and show you.
Author nashua Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Maybe he needs to understand you will not leave him for another man, but because of another woman - his wife. Maybe he needs to be very, very clear that you WILL leave him because of HIS inaction in not getting a divorce. It may not be a priority for him, but it is for you, and if he does want to be with you, then he needs to get off his ass and show you. I am so loving how you put that...leaving him for another woman. That is so so right on! He says he knows he has to either SH#$ or get off the pot. I'm afraid it's just easier for him to watch me walk away, then to deal with divorce. It's so sad.
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