k8bo Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I am a guy, 24, dating a girl who is a year younger than me. we have been dating for about 3 and a half years, living together now for about 8 months. There seem to be many problems in the relationship, but I am unable to break it off because I'd feel really badly about it. Here are the facts: sex: sex the first year or two was great. Recently, we haven't has sex in 6 months. I've told her that that's not how I want things to be, she agrees, but then never wants to have sex. in all of 2007 we had sex about 5 times total. This leaves me to take care of myself all the time, something I've gotten real used to. I have not and will not cheat. Messy: I am a clean guy and I like to keep our apartment clean. She is very messy, mostly because she has so much stuff. clothes and shoes are EVERYWHERE. On the floor, countertops, bathroom. I can't walk into the bedroom without tripping on stuff, you really can't even see the floor of the bedroom. At night before I go to bed I have to give her about a 20 minute warning so she can clear off the bed because during the day she moves everything from the floor to the bed. Overall she is very stressful to live with, and I am usually a laid back guy. We get into fights a lot, and i usually try to work late to avoid coming back to the apartment because she will yell at me for something. The fights are all from her, here is an example: One thing I really cant stand is when I wake up earlier than her I try to be as quiet as a mouse. When she wakes up earlier then me she turns on all the lights and trips over all her junk swearing all morning. She then can't find her shoes/coat/keys/wallet or whatever and yells at me to help her find them. I don't get out of bed because I shouldn't be subjected to this so she gets furious and tells me how awful I am. She also runs late every morning and tried to get me to wake up to help her do her choirs that she should have done herself if she had woken up on time. Again I refuse and she swears at me and tells me how awful I am. This happens without fail every time she wakes up earlier than me. She is very dependent on me as well. I am a very independent person. She always needs me to help her do her choirs, always needs me to drive her to work/class, always needs money from me, always needs me to do all this stuff for her. I feel like the relationship is very unbalanced. I'm going out of my way for her all the time and I don't really get anything out of the relationship (not even sex anymore). I wish she was more independent. I don't enjoy doing her choirs, but if I stopped she's be unable to get to class and she'd be unable to support herself and would make me feel really badly about it (i do care for her well being). Recently she mentioned renewing the lease. I almost laughed. I was planning to just ride the lease out the last couple months and then break up with her. I told her gently that I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to continue living together. She got really upset and cried all night. Since then she's tried to be the perfect girlfriend. It's kinda scary. She is VERY clingy, always telling me she loves me about every hour. I'd feel bad about breaking up with her because she is very dependent on me and I'm not sure what she would do. Should I stick it out? is this how relationships are supposed to be? I'm not interested in breaking up for another girl. if things were to end with her I'd be single for at least a year or two. I'm also not afraid of being single. I feel like I am a great guy with a lot to offer and I wouldn't have trouble meeting girls. One thing I am afraid of is what kind of girls will be on the market by the time I am in my late 20's. I have only had a couple partners in life, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with a girl who has had a lot of experience. I don't want to get a "used" girl. I'd want to find a girl who also values sex the way I do and hasn't had a million partners (or std's). I feel like this is a hard girl to find (I want her to be attractive and fit as I am too).
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Never, ever stay in a relationship because you feel sorry for the other person. It only builds up resentment in the future. IMHO, your gf sounds like a nightmare. Has she ever tried to change herself before, or has her behaviour always been like this? It's very difficult to live with women sometimes, because although we appear very perfect outside, in our private lives, we''re as messy as can be. Similar to living with your gf, it's been 8 months, and because she's gotten so comfortable with you, she's just letting herself go. I can understand your frustration, but have you ever tried talking to her about her messiness? Have you tried to lay some ground rules in the beginning as to how you would like that the both of you each contribute your parts as a couple living together? Although I highly doubt it will help you now in any case. Your relationship is straining, as you provide most of the effort. It's clearly spelled out that she's gotten so comfortable using you that you're willing to let it slide. You do not need a relationship with this girl. You're your own person and you do not need a girl to boss you around. You don't own her anything.
sb129 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Please don't marry this girl- are you seriously considering it? Any problems you have now will only be magnified if you get married. It sounds like you have outgrown eachother- you are young, and no that isn't how good Rs are supposed to be. I would do yourselves BOTH a favour and break up with her.
Author k8bo Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 while it sounds bad, we do have an authentic connection with eachother and I do care for her. Since that convo about not renewing the lease (a couple weeks ago) she has tried to be the perfect gf. there havent been fights, and we had sex for the first time in months. This is very recent and in my mind i was already over her ready to move on after the lease ended. now i dont know what to do. She is crazy about it, i'd really be hurting her if i ened this - i dont see how she didn't see this coming after the way she was treating me though.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 The way that is it now is the best it will ever be. It will continue to go downhill from here. Don't think that marrying her will change anything.
lexi29 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You sound like a good guy but you've already emotionally checked out of the relationship. I've been in your shoes and also in your girlfriend's shoes. I lived with a guy I thought I was totally in love with, was my best friend and I only lasted 9 months of living with him. I found out all these little things (like you did with your messy girlfriend) and couldnt' take it. I have also walked in your girlfriend's shoes and the kindest thing you can do for her is just to end things now. Don't worry about when the lease runs out, just break up with her and move out now if you can. I know you don't want to hurt her but staying with her and giving her hope will hurt her even more. She is trying hard to be the perfect girlfriend now and if you continue to let her do this for awhile and realize your feelings haven't changed and you still want to leave you are going to devastate her! Because she will think she did everything she possibly could, was the best girlfriend ever, did so much for you and you still threw her away. There is nothing she can do to make you change your mind once you've emotionally checked out so don't think that sticking it out a little longer is suddenly going to change your feelings toward her for the better. So, if you care about her feelings at all, please just cut her loose and let her go. it will hurt her less in the long run.
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Leave her. You two are not compatible and it will not get better.
Lishy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Oh dear! I have to agree that maybe you will have to walk away from her now. Why put off the inevitable?
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