Shindig Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 1. My boyfriend is very likely depressed (disturbed sleep cycle, lack of interest in sex, doesn't engage in activities he usually enjoys, doesn't care to socialize, etc.) and asked for some space. I'm trying to balance 'being there for him' with giving space. Yesterday I texted in the afternoon, and called last night "just to say 'hi'" and he said he would call me back. Still no returned call. He probably won't wake up for another hour when he has to go to work. Maybe he'll call and maybe he won't but the ball is in his court. I'm in a pretty good mood today and will be busy until late so I might be able to hold off calling or texting. Of course there's only so much reading and housework I can do before it starts to get to me... It seems like when I offer to stop by "only if he wants", he does want me to. He doesn't want me to sleep over (partly because of the no sex thing and partly because of his sleep disturbances) but he wants to talk. He hasn't been good about returning calls or texts, however. Either way, I'm trying to figure out the balance in being supportive and giving him room to work through his problems. I'm not sure if he would consider it a violation if I were to call his Mom or best friend to ask their thoughts. 2. The no-sex thing is a real issue but a separate one. He makes the effort periodically to put the moves on me but after a while it becomes clear it's not going anywhere and he'll ask to stop. He'll ask if it's okay and (I need a guy's opinion here) I tell him I just want to be close (He's referring to the absence of climax). I know he's in a rough patch and I appreciate the effort (more than I think I've expressed) but I don't care about no sex as much as I worry about his emotional state. I can 'take care' of my sexual urges but it doesn't stop me from desiring him or wanting him to want me and I've told him that.
Author Shindig Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I know difficulty coping with NC is a classic tale but I need some advice... even if its a reference to an old thread...
MalachiX Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well, this doesn't sound like No Contact if you're sleeping together and talking. Anyway, it sounds like you're doing everything a supportive girl would. To be honest, as a guy I've never been in the situation where my girlfriend constantly wanted sex and I didn't. On rare occasions (like early in the morning when she liked it) I wouldn't be able to manage but never a lack of interest in sex itself. And there's nothing wrong with letting him know you care more about the intimacy then the climax. Most guys are like that too if its with someone they love. Sure it's frustrating if you can't climax but that's not really the joy of making love. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing.
Author Shindig Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) Yeah, I've got the sex drive of a teenage boy. The honest truth is, however, I don't care about the sexual gratification nearly as much as just wanting to be near him. Fair enough: I'll agree it's limited contact not no contact. I feel a little helpless and lost. That's what's really bugging me. It seems like he needs and wants to talk about it but he's not returning most of my calls or texts. He's asked for space and I intend to give it to him but I need to figure out what space is for him without him thinking I've abandoned him. Originally I had pegged him as a stonewaller but I've learned it takes him a while to articulate himself after being asked a question. He's painfully thoughtful in that regard. I can ask him these sorts of questions and he'll answer honestly but he usually mulls for two plus days before getting back to me. Up until this point I was offering activities we both enjoy to try and cheer him up but he seemed most interested in food (quiet and usually private), TV, and casual conversation and wasn't motivated enough for other activities to show up. I was never big on playing games either... you know, not calling to get his attention and such. When I want something I ask for it. When I don't get it I ask why instead of pouting. Right now I really want to pick his brain but this whole asking for space is something I need to respect. Edited March 18, 2008 by Shindig
Author Shindig Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 He texted. I think I may wait until he calls.
Author Shindig Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Good thing the magic eight ball is around to tell me not to call...
Author Shindig Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) I did it... called twice. No answer. Left a message wishing him luck on an interview tomorrow. *sigh* I need better willpower. Help.... Edited March 19, 2008 by Shindig
MalachiX Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 That's what's really bugging me. Fair enough: I'll agree it's limited contact not no contact. Allow me to be blunt and a bit vulgar for a moment. If you're ****ing, it ain't "limited contact" either. I'm not trying to be mean or make you feel bad, as I said it seems like you're really going out of your way to be there for this guys, but it doesn't seem like you know where you are. It doesn't even sound like you're broken up if you're doing all this relationship type stuff. It seems like he needs and wants to talk about it but he's not returning most of my calls or texts. He's asked for space and I intend to give it to him but I need to figure out what space is for him without him thinking I've abandoned him. Originally I had pegged him as a stonewaller but I've learned it takes him a while to articulate himself after being asked a question. He's painfully thoughtful in that regard. I can ask him these sorts of questions and he'll answer honestly but he usually mulls for two plus days before getting back to me. Different people handle things in different ways. My ex got infuriated with how much I talked and articulated. She thought that constantly talking was my way of avoiding action or responsability for things. I'd analyze it to death. Maybe it's good that he takes the time to think about how he feels before he says something he'll regret. Or maybe he's a dick. Up until this point I was offering activities we both enjoy to try and cheer him up but he seemed most interested in food (quiet and usually private), TV, and casual conversation and wasn't motivated enough for other activities to show up. More relationship stuff. I think you need to figure out if you're on a break or you're broken up. Right now it sounds like you're doing everything in your power to keep the relationship going which is fine if you think you can and it'll work but not such a good idea if it's over and you're just prolonging things.
Author Shindig Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I don't want to get into semantic issues over no contact, limited contact, full contact, semibifurcated epistemological hibbitydibbity... yeah. Sure, there's relationship type stuff going on between us. At this point I'm really cut off from him and yes... confused and lost. I need communication but he's not making the effort. Certainly in part because he's depressed and possibly because he's a dick. Thanks for your honesty and clarity. Communication from others is almost as comforting. I find comfort in understanding things so thanks for the perspective.
MalachiX Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) I don't want to get into semantic issues You anti-semantic bastard. Sorry, I watch too much House. Sure, there's relationship type stuff going on between us. At this point I'm really cut off from him and yes... confused and lost. I need communication but he's not making the effort. Certainly in part because he's depressed and possibly because he's a dick. Mind if you I ask a question? Do you want this guy back? To be honest, I'm pretty curious about how the female mind works in this case. I got incredibly depressed and distant from my girlfriend and she told me I was making her miserable and wanted to break up. A few days later, she called me back clearly wanting to make up but I was so steeped in self loathing and disgust that I basically told her I was every bit as bad as she feared I was and wasn't worth her effort (kind of melodramatic I realize but I was in a REALLY bad place). She first got angry at me and refused to talk. Then, called me back but made it sound as though she was only doing it because she was worried about me rather than actually wanting to speak to me. I told her I'd be fine and that conversation didn't end well either. To my surprise, she started calling again afterwards, almost as though we hadn't broken up. We didn't say, "I love you" but the tone of conversations was generally the same and still discussed couple type stuff. She even sang to me on my Birthday. Then, three weeks later, when it was her birthday, she cut contact and we havn't spoken in almost a month. I've tried to call her to no avail. I guess I'm interested in understanding your story since perhaps it'll help me understand my own, I guess now beyond repair, relationship. I'm still debating if she just wanted to keep speaking to me out of concern over my depression, untill she was ready to let go, or perhaps out of hopes of reconciliation but then gave up. Edited March 20, 2008 by MalachiX html error
Author Shindig Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 We had a good talk today. Unfortunately he had another issue added to his plate in an already hectic landscape. He sounds like he's OK all things considered. His roommate is in the same proverbial boat. For this guy/situation most of it comes down to seeing someone who I am fairly compatible with who has many of the quailties I want and most of the qualities I need in a partner. He's a friend first, honest, faithful, loyal, and thoughtful. I think he's worth it basically. Relationships (more like friendship in my book) are not about two halves, but rather two whole people with separate yet equal lives. I don't just ditch my friends because they're going through a rough patch. That's when they need me the most. Being there means different things for different people. I'm still learning what that is for my SO. That's where it gets dicey. Dealing with a mentally ill family member for my whole life has given me a lot of perspective on rough patches but I doubt it makes them any easier for me. Feeling cut off and lost relative to my SO is hard. At some point my anxiety may surpass my wish to be there for my boyfriend, we'll just have to see where the threshold is. My coping skills and support network are pretty good so hopefully I'll be able to get help for my SO before I get so frazzled by the whole thing that I bail. Your former girlfriend may have kept in touch for all of those reasons. Usually when things are rough a girl who has some perspective and patience can make it through with minimal encouragement. We just need to know that even though you're down that it's not because of us, that you still care, and you know it's not fun for us. Help?
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