Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 @Dreamergrl: You have to understand that getting replaced with a bad boy is a very painful experience for us guys and we don't want another nice guy to experience the same pain. Just keep that in mind and while it doesn't excuse being rude to you, it explains where those responses are coming from. I've been replaced by not so great girls myself, I've been burned back and forth, but I don't take it out on fellow posters. I'm not the girl that replaced them - I'm a girl looking to have a happy relationship.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'm a nice guy and I found I couldn't even pretend to be mean, so i had to give up and become a homosexual
Stockalone Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I've been replaced by not so great girls myself, I've been burned back and forth, but I don't take it out on fellow posters. I'm not the girl that replaced them - I'm a girl looking to have a happy relationship. What I wanted to say is that you shouldn't be bothered too much by these responses. Just ignore that misplaced anger, it may be directed at you but it has nothing to do with you.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I am telling you to break up with him because you shouldn't delay the inevitable.
Pyro Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'm a nice guy and I found I couldn't even pretend to be mean, so i had to give up and become a homosexual :lmao:
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 What I wanted to say is that you shouldn't be bothered too much by these responses. Just ignore that misplaced anger, it may be directed at you but it has nothing to do with you. I understand - but I think getting accused of cheating in the future is a bit much - and more misplaced then reasonable.
Replicant Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 My point was a man doesn't change the view point I have on myself. I never said a bad boy would make a good parent ect ect - but I was saying what I want in my life is different then what I used to want. I'm passed the go out and party phase. I'm passed having meaningless sex. I want something with substance. I think it sounds like you have that. Your uncertainty seems to have ties to dramatic relationships in the past. Which is just based on immaturity plain and simple. If you seriously want a shot at something different, i think your chance has arrived. Of course if you feel you've grown out of those past trends, then convincing yourself of something better should be easier than you think.
blackbird Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You are my reason why I am going to start acting like a dick to women...i swear to GOD. I have always been the nice guy, and I'm really starting to think that's the reason why girls lose interest in me after months of dating. I am available emotionally and physically...just because I'm a person and I tend to have respect for others even if they a girl. OK well maybe not so much a dick, but it seems as much as all these women say they want a guy to be nice, caring, straightforward...they find it and they are soon disgusted by such a genuine person. It makes me want to experiment with my behavior with women on dates now....its kind of ridiculous the kind of underlined actons men have to balance to keep a womans interest...especially since it seems that alot of women who I have been dating lately, just don't know what they want. What I'm getting from the OP is that subconsciously, she does NOT feel that this guy is being straightforward and genuine. That he's projecting only the parts of himself that he thinks she will like, in efforts to please her. Maybe not intentionally so, or just for her; it could be that he's like this with everyone. The last guy I dated before my fiance was a lot like how this guy sounds. Very sweet, got me flowers, liked thinking up things for us to do together, taking me out to dinner, etc. I had no problems with that, and when I left him eventually, it wasn't because of those things, but because of something else that was lacking: a sense of depth and a personality of his own. He never disagreed with me or challenged me or shared thoughts or opinions that didn't seem somehow prefabricated to be politically/socially-correct-yet-innocuous. Everything he did and said felt canned, like we were playing parts in a light-hearted romantic movie starring Meg Ryan or something. It's not that I was looking for drama or conflict; rather, someone who didn't seem like he was wearing a carefully fashioned mask he'd worn so long he didn't even know what his true face looked like anymore, or if he had one. Guys (and ladies), you don't have to choose between being a doormat or a dick. You can be sweet and respectful to your SO without being a doormat. You can be challenging and have your own personality and self-respect without being a dick. My fiance does this amazingly well.
Kamille Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Blackbird's reply made me realize that one of the problems I have with nice guys is that I don't know if they love me for me or if they just love the idea of being in a relationship. Basically, while most guys think they're just being nice, to me it seems like some of them were bypassing major incompabilities just to have a girlfriend. In the mix of 'nice guys', you also find the needy ones. I think it's the same with nice girls. Some of them truly are nice, well-balanced and ready to build a strong relationship with the right partner, some of them are insecure and become doormats because they need a relationship, any relationship, to feel esteemed.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Yeah, actually Kamille - I didn't have that thought till I read blackbird's and your recent reply. I coulda sworn relationships were less complicated once upon a time lol
blackbird Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Blackbird's reply made me realize that one of the problems I have with nice guys is that I don't know if they love me for me or if they just love the idea of being in a relationship. Basically, while most guys think they're just being nice, to me it seems like some of them were bypassing major incompabilities just to have a girlfriend. Absolutely. The 'nice guy' I mentioned having dated in the previous post made me feel that way. Not that he didn't love me, but that he wasn't even interested in getting to really know me well enough to love me. I was pretty, had some general interests in common with him, and willing to sleep with him, and that was good enough. Anything that deviated from the template made him uncomfortable. When I broke it off with him, he told me that he loved me because I was "such a mystery" to him. That made me laugh. I don't want to be a mystery to the person I love. I want to be known, to the very core. In the mix of 'nice guys', you also find the needy ones. I think it's the same with nice girls. Some of them truly are nice, well-balanced and ready to build a strong relationship with the right partner, some of them are insecure and become doormats because they need a relationship, any relationship, to feel esteemed. Agreed.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I find it quite sexist that men are categorised into just two groups as though every man's personality is so black & white. Firstly I can be nice and secondly I can be deeply unpleasant. I can be unpredictable and yet I can be predictable, I can be romantic and I can be unromantic. I can be happy and I can be unhappy. I kiss nicely (or so I've been told), but can't hug to save my life, so which box do I go into? I don't buy this "Good guy, bad guy' sham because at the end of the day every single human being has nice qualities and bad qualities. And I've noticed with some women, they want a guy who has ambition, good looks, intelligence and a heart of gold and yet they want someone who will manipulate them, mess with their head, play games and create drama such as arguments. Is it a case of women wanting to eat too much cake and not being able to digest all of it? I think so, I'd say the modern woman is very selfish.
Replicant Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I find it quite sexist that men are categorised into just two groups as though every man's personality is so black & white. Firstly I can be nice and secondly I can be deeply unpleasant. I can be unpredictable and yet I can be predictable, I can be romantic and I can be unromantic. I can be happy and I can be unhappy. I kiss nicely (or so I've been told), but can't hug to save my life, so which box do I go into? I don't buy this "Good guy, bad guy' sham because at the end of the day every single human being has nice qualities and bad qualities. And I've noticed with some women, they want a guy who has ambition, good looks, intelligence and a heart of gold and yet they want someone who will manipulate them, mess with their head, play games and create drama such as arguments. Is it a case of women wanting to eat too much cake and not being able to digest all of it? I think so, I'd say the modern woman is very selfish. You are thinking too deeply into the terminology. Each term is just to characterize more decent qualities appreciated by certain women or bad ones. Most people at some point know or realize which qualities are no good to build a long term foundation on, and not better future in any way. Treating anyone like dirt will eventually run on most peoples patience to put up with. Then they will either end it and mature or go back into the cycle. So yes, it is possible to treat women decently without exhibiting trademark doormat qualities, or being a total jerk in the process of it all.
Stockalone Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I find it quite sexist that men are categorised into just two groups as though every man's personality is so black & white. The bad boy and the nice guy who is a borderline doormat are just the extreme ends of the spectrum. Obviously there is enough space inbetween for all sorts of men. It's just that the OP said that she previously was attracted to the bad boy who treated her like **** and now she is dating a nice guy/doormat, this is how this thread once started.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You're also missing my point, there could be a guy who is very loving, very sensitive and very ambitious (he could be going places) but he could also be quite dependent, which category does this man go in? The good guy, or the bad guy? Here's another example of my friend, he's a complete A-sshole of a person, but he treats his women with great affection and generally brings a feel good factor to relationships, but he is forgetful and doesn't keep in contact with his currenrt girlfriend and he loses his temper with her on some occasions, which category does he go into? My point is you cannot define a good guy or a bad one, because there's gonna be positives and negatives about everyone, is it a case of finding more positives than negatives and brushing the negatives under the table? People seem to expect too much of their partners and their interests. It's as though if a man or woman doesn't quite fit your criteria in a place or two, then they are deemed unworthy of your affection or are deemed rotten eggs and when will both parties analyze their faults, acknowledge them and carry forth? To the OP - What is it that you want from this guy? The problem is human beings want too much, demand too much and become irritable when they place unrealistic expectations on things. Face facts, no one's perfect, not even Barack Obama.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 The bad boy and the nice guy who is a borderline doormat are just the extreme ends of the spectrum. Obviously there is enough space inbetween for all sorts of men. It's just that the OP said that she previously was attracted to the bad boy who treated her like **** and now she is dating a nice guy/doormat, this is how this thread once started. I'm referring to posts on in general, it's always good guys vs bad guys, where's people like me who fit squarely in the middle? The truth is there's no such thing as a bad guy or a good guy, we are all good and we are all bad. Everyone is in the centre ground with the odd man who decides to try and stay on the fringe.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I'm not saying that there is no middle - but I've been at the extremes. I'd be happy with several different types of men - but I don't want the attraction to the man who hits girls, verbally abuses them, steals from them, and so on - but it's been what I've known. For some people it's hard to get away from what you know.
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 This is very true I can't say the attraction is completely gone - I do like him, and enjoy being with him by all means. I have no desire to repeat the bad boy era Funny this is what just happened to me. I'm going to flip the "a**hole" switch on.
DanielMadr Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Explanation: 1. You lose your love because you lose a respect for him. How could you respect anybody who sticks with you and even adores you? You cant respect him, because you dont respect yourself 2. It is proven that being extremely nice to girls we know not for long is not normal. Men should be more careful than that. It is the survival-of-species thing. You cant take potentionaly dangerous animal to your home and treat it like kitten. You have to prod it with a ten feet pole first. So he is a wussy. He will learn eventually.
twice_shy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Well I started this post to look for advice on how to keep it good - not on how to ditch him. I really hope you don't ditch him. I'd like to see a nice guy win over the bad boys for a change. But you posted that your attraction is fading for him. And this is the thing, since he isn't that exciting bad boy, you are wishing you had that. This is the problem that plagues nice guys. I don't want you to ditch him, but you are pretty much stating what leads most women to go after the bad boy type, you said your attraction was fading. Or it may be a simple matter of the attraction fades as time goes on because there is no variety. I don't know. Only you can figure that one out. Again, I'm not telling you to ditch him. I'm just saying he is doomed because he is a nice guy and is with a gal who likes the bad boy type. I know you say you don't want to go down that road again, but be honest, you really do.
twice_shy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 And I think alot of "nice guys" end up being aholes because they figure, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and have fun.
carhill Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 And I think alot of "nice guys" end up being aholes because they figure, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and have fun. You know, I think that's exactly what my wife was saying the other night during our relationship talk. "If you're going to be an @sshole, I want a divorce" I resisted the comeback "well, maybe I'd get laid more" Relationships are such sport. I then proceeded to help her find a hotel for her next trip. Wimp.
twice_shy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You know, I think that's exactly what my wife was saying the other night during our relationship talk. "If you're going to be an @sshole, I want a divorce" Well, thats a marriage for ya. In the dating world, women go for the @ssholes.
Ms. Pisces Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Hi there, I have come to the realization that I desperately need to reprogram my brain to be attracted to the "nice guys" also. My two prior relationships were horrible. Both men were macho, cruel, cold, possessive animals. I am not sure how I am going to accomplish this feet but I refuse to go through that pain again. How do I find a nice guy? Any advise? As for your guy...remember no one is perfect and you haven't really had enough time to see if he has any flaws yet. But it sounds like they won't be that bad at all. Once you get spoiled by a "nice guy" you won't be able deal with anything short of that. Try to remember how great it is to be with a guy who wants to make you happy instead of torturing you emotionally. I hope that helps. All the best to you and yours....Ms. Pisces. Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. We come to spend our weekends together, and sometimes we do something during the week. He insists on paying for everything (although I try to let him let me treat, and I do things like make dinner for him, I like to feel as though I'm putting in something too). We're taking things slow as far as rushing into a relationship and having sex, but I now spend the weekend at his place. He lives in a city I'm going to be moving back to (there's an hour between us). He does sweet things like always stocks up on the soda or juice I like to drinks or he all of a sudden wants to take a trip to the store and asks me to pick up some snacks or food I'd like for the weekend (all things I don't ask him to do, he just does it on his own!). He's always coming up with things to do that he thinks I'll like. I feel very lucky to meet such a great guy! I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. I think part of the problem may be that I've gotten used to being treated like crap. 3 out of 4 of my serious relationships, the guys have been jerks. The one that wasn't I had the same problem with. Have any of you experience this type of issue?
carhill Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Well, thats a marriage for ya. In the dating world, women go for the @ssholes.I actually think my wife does too, and she's been trying valiantly to make me into one
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