Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 While "blame" assigned to others can be seen as avoiding responsibility, and I think that's why you avoid using the label, it's good to be "aware" of the realities of our histories and their effects on our psychology. After all, our brains were formed within the furnace of our mother's womb and the nuclear family (of whatever type) that we were raised in. Acknowledging that history, IMO, is key to moving forward. Even though I thought I had an "easy" childhood, there were still behavior formations and reinforcements which affected my relationships later in life. One of those is what created the mindset which made me a "nice guy" or "doormat", take your pick My wife had a very tenuous childhood, with a lot of insecurities, and this has created polarity in our relationship, as we look at things from a completely different perspective. That's what MC is attempting to bridge, along with teaching us better communication skills. My wife, when presented examples of "bad boy" friends we have, says emphatically that she would never marry someone like that. But, OTOH, she seems to find me "boring". A classic conundrum I had a lot of anger towards my dad, and quite a bit of resentment to go with it. In his eyes I was labeled as the failure - and that's coming straight from his mouth - not my assumption. I rebelled out a lot eventually, and I think thats what started me dating the not so good men - but like I said, I don't like to use others as excuses. I know now that I'm deserving of better then what I've gotten out of guys - and the last one was a real kicker for that. Now I'm just trying to - well as someone put it - find a balance. My ex can have the drama and the bullsh*t - I want a good relationship - not a unhealthy one. Personally, I'm glad that I'm able to figure out that it's time for a healthy relationship now, then later on, because the more in my ways I get set, the harder it will be to change.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Unfortunately, sounds like dead man walking... mmmm...Susan Sarandon..... now that'd make me a bad boy
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I had a lot of anger towards my dad, and quite a bit of resentment to go with it. In his eyes I was labeled as the failure - and that's coming straight from his mouth - not my assumption. I've heard similar explanations, along with the desire to "get her married and out of the house" from my female friend. I once asked her, even at this late date (we're in our mid-late 40's) if she's still trying to get her father's approval. Dead silence. That's how poignant our histories can be. I personally think people who get into intimate relationships with inappropriate partners at a young age have it the toughest, because they get the double whammy of insufficient solitary time to grow on their own combined with an often toxic relationship. IMO, those are the folks one sees in their 40's and 50's who look lost and adrift, almost like they were frozen in time. Me, I'm just rationing the gas in my outboard engine, so pay no attention
Balthazar Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) I have seen pictures of Susan from the mid-70's. She used to be quite hot Carhill. Fine looking female! Edited March 18, 2008 by Balthazar Typo
twice_shy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 It very much so is what I want - just not what I'm used to. I hope you prove me wrong and make it a rare case of the nice guy finishes first for a change.
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I hope you prove me wrong and make it a rare case of the nice guy finishes first for a change. That would be a pleasant surprise.
Yamaha Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I think what your doing is growing up. You have experienced the exciting bad boy and while you like the spontaneity and fun he provides you now realize he does not bring enough to the table for a long term relationship. The nice guy provides security but you are afraid he can't keep your motor running and the sexual excitement will dwindle. You need both for a long term relationship but it is possible to find it in a nice guy if he isn't a doormat.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 This relationship is doomed. I give it a few more months until you lose attraction and start feeling like you settled or you meet a badboy you are attracted to and you end up cheating on him. I am sorry to be harsh but it is the truth. He will probably end up blaming himself and doing more to win you over which will only cause you to disconnect even further.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 This relationship is doomed. I give it a few more months until you lose attraction and start feeling like you settled or you meet a badboy you are attracted to and you end up cheating on him. I am sorry to be harsh but it is the truth. He will probably end up blaming himself and doing more to win you over which will only cause you to disconnect even further. I find it rather rude to assume someone will cheat. I NEVER have cheated no matter what. I don't play stupid games like that. If I lose interest in a man - he finds out before I move on - nice guy or bad boy. Period. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions - but just because it's happened in some cases does not mean it happens like that all the time. Now if I were to do something wrong to have a finger pointed at me, then bring it on - but to say its doomed its doomed is getting rather annoying. I'm looking for advice on how to approach the situation so I can keep a good thing in my life - not to be told how my relationship is going to end.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I am not trying tio be rude but this pattern is a cliche with women anymore. I feel you should break up with him now so he can move on with life and be happy instead of being hot with the drama you will most likely inflict on him.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I hope you prove me wrong and make it a rare case of the nice guy finishes first for a change. That would be a pleasant surprise. Well I started this post to look for advice on how to keep it good - not on how to ditch him.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I am not trying tio be rude but this pattern is a cliche with women anymore. I feel you should break up with him now so he can move on with life and be happy instead of being hot with the drama you will most likely inflict on him. Excuse me, but what do you know about me that you can say that I cause drama?? Did you bother reading any of the other parts of this post besides the first one? That would be like me saying maybe you should avoid being in a relationship so others can bypass your biased opinions. You're basing your advice off of a pattern, but not everyone in this situation is included in the same pattern.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Maybe you are the exception but this story almost writes itself. Like the other guys said I hope you are the exception.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Woogle - it also seems to me that your implying that I may as well not be with any man who treats me good - because I'll just end up bringing them drama. That is just silly - I deserve to be treated good just like anyone else, and I will not end relationships because of past ones. That would be dwelling in my past relationships - not moving forward.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Women who are addicterd to bad boys rarely do find a man that treats them well unless they do some serious changes because they end up driving them all away.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Women who are addicterd to bad boys rarely do find a man that treats them well unless they do some serious changes because they end up driving them all away. Yet you are telling me to break up with a man who does treat me good - and not do what I can to keep a good relationship?
Saxis Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) I still find one thing odd with your situation: You've only been dating one month. That seems WAY too early to get bored in a relationship. I wouldn't say doomed. There must be some amazing chemistry at least, to spend every weekend together this early in the game. Almost sounds like you guys need to back off and let things progress more naturally. Go back to doing more of whatever it was before you got together. Too much of a special thing doesn't make it very special after a while. Edited March 18, 2008 by Saxis
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I still find one thing odd with your situation: You've only been dating one month. That seems WAY too early to get bored in a relationship. I wouldn't say doomed. There must be some amazing chemistry at least, to spend every weekend together this early in the game. Almost sounds like you guys need to back off and let things progress more naturally. Go back to doing more of whatever it was before you got together. Too much of a special thing doesn't make it very special after a while. We don't spend most nights together - with the hour between us we hang out in his town - Friday night - Sunday after noon. One time we went to a basketball game during the week - and we didn't do anything last weekend. When the weather permits him to go back to work - it will be less then that. I didn't say I was bored - I look forward to seeing him. I want to ensure that I do what I can on my part to keep what we have going so it doesn't die down. It's only died down a bit. I still get excited for the weekend - and I still get a big smile on my face when I hear from him periodically through out the week.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 We don't spend most nights together - with the hour between us we hang out in his town - Friday night - Sunday after noon. One time we went to a basketball game during the week - and we didn't do anything last weekend. When the weather permits him to go back to work - it will be less then that. I didn't say I was bored - I look forward to seeing him. I want to ensure that I do what I can on my part to keep what we have going so it doesn't die down. It's only died down a bit. I still get excited for the weekend - and I still get a big smile on my face when I hear from him periodically through out the week. You can't keep the infatuation period alive forever. All relationships pass into a more relaxed but confident/secure phase. Of course you're going to hit some bumps in the road, of adjustment, but that's only natural.
Pyro Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. We come to spend our weekends together, and sometimes we do something during the week. He insists on paying for everything (although I try to let him let me treat, and I do things like make dinner for him, I like to feel as though I'm putting in something too). We're taking things slow as far as rushing into a relationship and having sex, but I now spend the weekend at his place. He lives in a city I'm going to be moving back to (there's an hour between us). He does sweet things like always stocks up on the soda or juice I like to drinks or he all of a sudden wants to take a trip to the store and asks me to pick up some snacks or food I'd like for the weekend (all things I don't ask him to do, he just does it on his own!). He's always coming up with things to do that he thinks I'll like. I feel very lucky to meet such a great guy! I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. I think part of the problem may be that I've gotten used to being treated like crap. 3 out of 4 of my serious relationships, the guys have been jerks. The one that wasn't I had the same problem with. Have any of you experience this type of issue? I haven't experienced it myself, but I hope that you are able to figure this out and accept him for who he is. If you break up with him and you find a jerk, you will regret losing him. Being with a great guy like him is just something that you will have to get use to.
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 If you want to keep him, keep him. If you want to keep the excitement level up, try new things together. Infatuation and lust do not last forever. But I agree with others, it should last more than a month.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Heh, they're already breaking you up and all in one afternoon!
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Heh, they're already breaking you up and all in one afternoon! You're undervaluing the abilities of LS members, to extrapolate into the future. If you read carefully, many have already projected that she's going to regret the breakup and that she'll keep cycling through bad boys. My apologies to the OP, for a quick thread jack.
Pyro Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 If you want to keep him, keep him. If you want to keep the excitement level up, try new things together. Infatuation and lust do not last forever. But I agree with others, it should last more than a month. Exactly. Being spontaneous is the key to preventing things from becoming boring in a relationship.
Stockalone Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 @Dreamergrl: You have to understand that getting replaced with a bad boy is a very painful experience for us guys and we don't want another nice guy to experience the same pain. Just keep that in mind and while it doesn't excuse being rude to you, it explains where those responses are coming from.
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