dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. We come to spend our weekends together, and sometimes we do something during the week. He insists on paying for everything (although I try to let him let me treat, and I do things like make dinner for him, I like to feel as though I'm putting in something too). We're taking things slow as far as rushing into a relationship and having sex, but I now spend the weekend at his place. He lives in a city I'm going to be moving back to (there's an hour between us). He does sweet things like always stocks up on the soda or juice I like to drinks or he all of a sudden wants to take a trip to the store and asks me to pick up some snacks or food I'd like for the weekend (all things I don't ask him to do, he just does it on his own!). He's always coming up with things to do that he thinks I'll like. I feel very lucky to meet such a great guy! I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. I think part of the problem may be that I've gotten used to being treated like crap. 3 out of 4 of my serious relationships, the guys have been jerks. The one that wasn't I had the same problem with. Have any of you experience this type of issue?
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'm him He's too available physically and emotionally. His availability has exceeded your interest level. You are out of balance. You can talk to him about it. He'll be receptive, if he's anything like me. Just be aware it's a hard behavior pattern to break. MC has helped me, much to the chagrin of my wife
Kamille Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. We come to spend our weekends together, and sometimes we do something during the week. He insists on paying for everything (although I try to let him let me treat, and I do things like make dinner for him, I like to feel as though I'm putting in something too). We're taking things slow as far as rushing into a relationship and having sex, but I now spend the weekend at his place. He lives in a city I'm going to be moving back to (there's an hour between us). He does sweet things like always stocks up on the soda or juice I like to drinks or he all of a sudden wants to take a trip to the store and asks me to pick up some snacks or food I'd like for the weekend (all things I don't ask him to do, he just does it on his own!). He's always coming up with things to do that he thinks I'll like. I feel very lucky to meet such a great guy! I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. I think part of the problem may be that I've gotten used to being treated like crap. 3 out of 4 of my serious relationships, the guys have been jerks. The one that wasn't I had the same problem with. Have any of you experience this type of issue? [Raises hand, jumping up and down her seat] Me! Me me me! I seriously don't know why I am so afraid of nice guys. My bf has a bad boy aura but it sometimes feel like he loves me as freely and candidly as a kid would. In all other areas of his life he's an incredibly mature, put together, go-getting man. But I keep throwing wrenches in the barrel wheel because sometimes I feel like I don't know if I love him because of him or because of how good he is to me. I'm starting to figure out, because of a lot of upheaval lately, that I do love him for him. Hopefully it's not to late for him to believe me. So, I have no advice. Just take all the time that you need. Make sure he gives you time to miss him. Try not to do what I did, which was to start being a bit overcritical of him.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I'm him He's too available physically and emotionally. His availability has exceeded your interest level. You are out of balance. You can talk to him about it. He'll be receptive, if he's anything like me. Just be aware it's a hard behavior pattern to break. MC has helped me, much to the chagrin of my wife I really like the amount of time we spend, and how often we talk during the week. I'm okay with all of that. One thing tho, he's VERY VERY VERY laid back. He wouldn't voice a problem unless it was really bad. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's doing things just to please me even though he doesn't want to do it or something. His last gf was very critical of him, put him down a lot. I can relate there, but I'm not that passive lol. [Raises hand, jumping up and down her seat] Me! Me me me! I seriously don't know why I am so afraid of nice guys. My bf has a bad boy aura but it sometimes feel like he loves me as freely and candidly as a kid would. In all other areas of his life he's an incredibly mature, put together, go-getting man. But I keep throwing wrenches in the barrel wheel because sometimes I feel like I don't know if I love him because of him or because of how good he is to me. I'm starting to figure out, because of a lot of upheaval lately, that I do love him for him. Hopefully it's not to late for him to believe me. So, I have no advice. Just take all the time that you need. Make sure he gives you time to miss him. Try not to do what I did, which was to start being a bit overcritical of him. Yeah I've been watching myself on not being overcritical, I noticed that was started to rise in my mind, but I pushed it back because there's no good reason for it. Sometimes I feel like a bad person for these types of thoughts and feelings.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I really like the amount of time we spend, and how often we talk during the week. I'm okay with all of that. One thing tho, he's VERY VERY VERY laid back. He wouldn't voice a problem unless it was really bad. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's doing things just to please me even though he doesn't want to do it or something. His last gf was very critical of him, put him down a lot. I can relate there, but I'm not that passive lol. Yes, you like it, but the balance part is desire. Maybe I should do a blog on this since I was this type personality for a good 20 years before getting married. The bad boys had an "edge". You didn't get the sense that you were always on their mind, but were valuable to them for those moments when you occupied their space. Then they were on to other things (and sometimes other women). This created an emotional vacuum, which you filled with desire to get their attention again. They were on your mind. The nice guy is always there, always available, always thinking of your needs, so there is no vacuum, no desire, hence loss of attraction. BTW, he's not necessarily "laid back", but you perceive that way because he's not "dramatic". Your brain is used to the chemistry of drama, so this seems "different" or maybe "not exciting'. If so, perfectly normal. BTW, I would suggest not dating a nice guy (not the Nice Guy who fakes it to get into your pants) immediately after a bad boy. Boring will be a word that will come to your mind. Comatose, perhaps, in the extreme case. Just sayin' Overly simplified, but I'm not getting published here
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Yes, you like it, but the balance part is desire. Maybe I should do a blog on this since I was this type personality for a good 20 years before getting married. The bad boys had an "edge". You didn't get the sense that you were always on their mind, but were valuable to them for those moments when you occupied their space. Then they were on to other things (and sometimes other women). This created an emotional vacuum, which you filled with desire to get their attention again. They were on your mind. The nice guy is always there, always available, always thinking of your needs, so there is no vacuum, no desire, hence loss of attraction. BTW, he's not necessarily "laid back", but you perceive that way because he's not "dramatic". Your brain is used to the chemistry of drama, so this seems "different" or maybe "not exciting'. If so, perfectly normal. BTW, I would suggest not dating a nice guy (not the Nice Guy who fakes it to get into your pants) immediately after a bad boy. Boring will be a word that will come to your mind. Comatose, perhaps, in the extreme case. Just sayin' Overly simplified, but I'm not getting published here If I don't date a nice guy after the bad boy, then I'll never date a nice guy lol. No he really is very laid back. He's come out and said it himself. His way of thinking is "go with the flow" "do whatever". If I ask him what he wants to do, it's whatever I want to do, regardless if he doesn't want to. I don't want drama, my ex provided enough to last a life time. He's just now finally starting to go away - and it wasn't me keeping him around. He was getting close to psycho stalker.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 OK, I'll give you a tip, if you're really interested in him..... He'll make circuitous inferences regarding what interests him; innocent things you might normally overlook. Make an effort to focus on one of these things and surprise him. He's going with the flow because he likes you and that's his way of connecting with you and showing his interest. If you're not getting the vibe that it's fake and his goal is to get into your pants, then try what I mentioned above and see where it goes. IMO, if your X is still around (even if you don't want him around), he's occupying some of your thoughts and IME this can be poisonous to a relationship with a "nice guy". If you've had a history of bad boys and are trying to break the pattern, it's probably going to take alone time and/or IC. Such has been the hardest issue for me, trying to remain in my marriage yet break the behavior pattern of my version of nice guy syndrome. It's really hard to do in a relationship, IMO. In any event, I wish you well and hope you enjoy your relationship. Give it time
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. We come to spend our weekends together, and sometimes we do something during the week. He insists on paying for everything (although I try to let him let me treat, and I do things like make dinner for him, I like to feel as though I'm putting in something too). We're taking things slow as far as rushing into a relationship and having sex, but I now spend the weekend at his place. He lives in a city I'm going to be moving back to (there's an hour between us). He does sweet things like always stocks up on the soda or juice I like to drinks or he all of a sudden wants to take a trip to the store and asks me to pick up some snacks or food I'd like for the weekend (all things I don't ask him to do, he just does it on his own!). He's always coming up with things to do that he thinks I'll like. I feel very lucky to meet such a great guy! I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. I think part of the problem may be that I've gotten used to being treated like crap. 3 out of 4 of my serious relationships, the guys have been jerks. The one that wasn't I had the same problem with. Have any of you experience this type of issue? You are my reason why I am going to start acting like a dick to women...i swear to GOD. I have always been the nice guy, and I'm really starting to think that's the reason why girls lose interest in me after months of dating. I am available emotionally and physically...just because I'm a person and I tend to have respect for others even if they a girl. OK well maybe not so much a dick, but it seems as much as all these women say they want a guy to be nice, caring, straightforward...they find it and they are soon disgusted by such a genuine person. It makes me want to experiment with my behavior with women on dates now....its kind of ridiculous the kind of underlined actons men have to balance to keep a womans interest...especially since it seems that alot of women who I have been dating lately, just don't know what they want.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Ummm...dreamergrl, I know this is a bit premature but if you don't want him, send him my way!
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 OK, I'll give you a tip, if you're really interested in him..... He'll make circuitous inferences regarding what interests him; innocent things you might normally overlook. Make an effort to focus on one of these things and surprise him. He's going with the flow because he likes you and that's his way of connecting with you and showing his interest. If you're not getting the vibe that it's fake and his goal is to get into your pants, then try what I mentioned above and see where it goes. IMO, if your X is still around (even if you don't want him around), he's occupying some of your thoughts and IME this can be poisonous to a relationship with a "nice guy". If you've had a history of bad boys and are trying to break the pattern, it's probably going to take alone time and/or IC. Such has been the hardest issue for me, trying to remain in my marriage yet break the behavior pattern of my version of nice guy syndrome. It's really hard to do in a relationship, IMO. In any event, I wish you well and hope you enjoy your relationship. Give it time Yeah he was occupying my thoughts, but it's been about a week since he's tried to contact me so it's decreasing. A lot of things occupy my thoughts though - **** I think of people from 3 or 4 years ago. Just how I am. Thanks for the great advice! I always enjoy hearing your imput!
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Woah, hold on people - I never said I didn't want him. Not at all. I in fact want to keep him around - but I'm trying to figure out how to avoid the attraction to the not so nice guys. I'm used to one and not the other.
Kamille Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Woah, hold on people - I never said I didn't want him. Not at all. I in fact want to keep him around - but I'm trying to figure out how to avoid the attraction to the not so nice guys. I'm used to one and not the other. Do you mean avoid the attraction to not so nice guy or ensure you stay attracted to your nice guy? Keeping attraction level up is actually my biggest challenge with nice guys. I really wish I could understand why this is because no, I'm not perticular prone to liking being treate like **** either.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Do you mean avoid the attraction to not so nice guy or ensure you stay attracted to your nice guy? Keeping attraction level up is actually my biggest challenge with nice guys. I really wish I could understand why this is because no, I'm not perticular prone to liking being treate like **** either. Yeah exactly. I hate being treated like crap, but I'm so used to it - it's hard to know much else.
Saxis Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) There's one easy way to get rid of this "nice guy" demeanor. Stay with him for a long time, pretending you love him. Challenge him at every opportunity to create the drama you crave and desire, then when things hit the peak, blame it all on him. When you have him believing he is the problem and puts himself in "repair mode", walk away. Crush him like a little bug under your shoe. It'll hurt so bad that he'll probably never trust anyone enough to be a nice guy again. To be sure, give him 6 months and come crawling back. If he takes you back, rinse and repeat: he's still a nice guy - it didn't work. If he tells you to piss off, your job is done - no more Mr. Nice Guy! Now to be a little more serious... Give yourselves some space. Get involved in more things that you do apart, for yourselves, with friends or alone time. 1 month is way too soon to be attached at the hip, so to speak. After being single for 10 months from my marriage, I realized I had put my life on hold for her: Nice Guy Syndrome. No more... I have friends again, hobbies, dreams. I know myself better than I ever have. No woman is worth giving my life up for, especially when it has the opposite effect we think. Slow down, pace yourselves. You'll appreciate the time you do spend together that much more. There's also the scenario above too... Seemed to work for me. Edited March 18, 2008 by Saxis
Saxis Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Ummm...dreamergrl, I know this is a bit premature but if you don't want him, send him my way! Hey TBF, how you doin'? Does this mean the dating strike is over?
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Hey TBF, how you doin'? Does this mean the dating strike is over? I cannot tell a lie, yes, it's been over for awhile now.
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You are my reason why I am going to start acting like a dick to women...i swear to GOD. I have always been the nice guy, and I'm really starting to think that's the reason why girls lose interest in me after months of dating. I am available emotionally and physically...just because I'm a person and I tend to have respect for others even if they a girl. OK well maybe not so much a dick, but it seems as much as all these women say they want a guy to be nice, caring, straightforward...they find it and they are soon disgusted by such a genuine person. It makes me want to experiment with my behavior with women on dates now....its kind of ridiculous the kind of underlined actons men have to balance to keep a womans interest...especially since it seems that alot of women who I have been dating lately, just don't know what they want. Yep, this is true. It's hard to balance your natural, good guy self with being a deliberate *******. It's a game (which Aussie Jack can apparently lecture us on) that is so juvenile as to be absurd. This idea that you have to intentionally break dates, see other people, etc., not call for days on end, etc., to "make" a girl feel attraction to you seems like BS to me. It really seems like what you do when you're dating someone who's selfish and immature, and like you said, has no idea what they want.
twice_shy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well it's been a month now since I started dating this new guy. He is extremely nice, considerate, open minded, perfect gentleman. He's got a great smile, gorgeous eyes, is affectionate and caring. He is the perfect example of what a nice guy truly is. Uh oh, he is doomed. I'm not complaining by any means on what I have, but I'm noticing that as things go on I feel less attracted to him. Yup, I knew it I normally end up dating the bad boy type guy, and get treated like ****. I want to move away from that, but it feels like when I meet a nice guy the attraction decreases. Then I guess you are gonna have to settle for getting treated like crapola so you can get your bad boy fix. Its a trade off.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I never said I wanted to lose him, I said I wanted to keep the initial attraction there. It's not doomed!
NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Isn't the initial attraction, or "infatuation" supposed to fade with time? If you expect it to last forever, then you'd have to keep dating new people constantly.
twice_shy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I never said I wanted to lose him, I said I wanted to keep the initial attraction there. It's not doomed! Yes.......it is.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Isn't the initial attraction, or "infatuation" supposed to fade with time? If you expect it to last forever, then you'd have to keep dating new people constantly. This is very true I can't say the attraction is completely gone - I do like him, and enjoy being with him by all means. I have no desire to repeat the bad boy era
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 This is very true I can't say the attraction is completely gone - I do like him, and enjoy being with him by all means. I have no desire to repeat the bad boy era In dating bad boys, they create drama due to uncertainty. In reality, most do this because they essentially don't care enough to keep it consistent. The result of this is that it keeps you on your toes and makes you crave the highs. This isn't healthy.
Kamille Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I never said I wanted to lose him, I said I wanted to keep the initial attraction there. It's not doomed! One of the tricks that worked for me was to spend more time getting ready for dates so that by the time he shows up or I show up, I feel hot and sexy. I bought some sexy underwear just for him and he also bought me some pretty racy things.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 In dating bad boys, they create drama due to uncertainty. In reality, most do this because they essentially don't care enough to keep it consistent. The result of this is that it keeps you on your toes and makes you crave the highs. This isn't healthy. That I've learned - the hard way.
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