Afraid to go for guys I am attracted to so I go for the ones I'm not attracted to...

[cutegirl]

Is it just me or does anyone else do this?

 

I think I am "deathly afraid" of guys I am attracted to and like, I mean I get so shy and anxious that I will refuse to hang out with them even if they ask, go places with them, go on dates etc but I feel so much more comfortable with guys that I'm not really that attracted to so those are the guys I end up with and that's why I always end up settling for a lot less than what I wanted in a partner.

 

I don't really want a solution to my problem, I am just curious to know if other people feel this way too...

 

Does anyone get so afraid to associate with someone you are attracted to (even if that person shows interest in you) that you'd rather go for someone you're not attracted to because there is less tension and stress that way? If you are not attracted to someone then you don't really care as much about what they think of you etc

 

It's so stressful to associate with someone you're into because you value their opinion so much and it makes you stressed out, like you can't be your true self. I find that I can be more of my real self around guys that I don't like.

So I always end up going out with guys that I am not really into but I suppose over time they "grow" on me and I become emotionally attached.

[WILLIS47]

Well I kind of have the sma eproblem but it is because I am shy, but do the guys you end up with...is it by default or do you really see something in them? Comfort level has alot to do with making things work.

[cutegirl]

Well I kind of have the sma eproblem but it is because I am shy, but do the guys you end up with...is it by default or do you really see something in them? Comfort level has alot to do with making things work.

 

It is totally by default. My ex was abusive, mentally unstable, and I was not attracted to him at all, I just got used to him because I didn't want to be alone.

 

I only feel comfortable around people who I find unattractive. If I think someone is attractive I cannot be around them because my stress level shoots through the roof so my fate is to be with a guy who I may even think is unattractive...

[maynicholas]

I am so glad to see someone else is doing the same thing! I was taking stock of the men I chose to have deep conversations with today. I noticed that they were all men that I am not attracted to and so I feel no pressure chatting with them, but something tells me that they are reading more into my chattiness. The guys I am attracted to, I feel like I am not cute enough for, so I revert to my middle school self and get all quite. I am cute, so I shouldn't get this way. I am also a huge fan of philisophical discussions (if you look at me, you wouldn't suspect who I really am- a huge nerd who was an ugly duckling turned into a cute swan), and have yet to find a cute guy to have them with. I don't go after the guys I'm not attracted to, but I am more myself with them, so they are always attracted to me- so I end up alone. I have no clue how to show my true self to the cute ones.

[cutegirl]

I am so glad to see someone else is doing the same thing! I was taking stock of the men I chose to have deep conversations with today. I noticed that they were all men that I am not attracted to and so I feel no pressure chatting with them, but something tells me that they are reading more into my chattiness. The guys I am attracted to, I feel like I am not cute enough for, so I revert to my middle school self and get all quite. I am cute, so I shouldn't get this way. I am also a huge fan of philisophical discussions (if you look at me, you wouldn't suspect who I really am- a huge nerd who was an ugly duckling turned into a cute swan), and have yet to find a cute guy to have them with. I don't go after the guys I'm not attracted to, but I am more myself with them, so they are always attracted to me- so I end up alone. I have no clue how to show my true self to the cute ones.

 

Glad to know I'm not the only one either. I am really inhibited around guys I like, I can't eat in front of them or work out in front of them or talk or do anything, it's actually stressful for me to be around them, it wreaks havoc on my nervous system...

[DanielMadr]

You are simply shooting yourself in the leg.

 

It is fear of failure and rejection sabotaging your life and happiness. Your ego is in over-protective mode. Your subconsciousness make you feel good that you are in the guys "league" but because of insecurity (you being ego-centric kid) it is not so sure, so it better sabotages you even before you have chance to burn. So you live ego-safe life....like marathon runner who runs only 1 mile runs, because there is a chance he wont make the whole lot....and people might laugh at him or something.

 

You need to learn to relax. You have to realize you are a grown up kid, afraid of failure. To make some improvement to your staying cool and relaxed you need to practice.

 

No Fear.

 

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. And it will be you and only you who you fear, hate and you who will suffer.

[Habibti]

My best guess would be to say you are suffering from a social disorder. I say this because the issue is not being shy, but rather it leads to an interruption in living a healthy day to day life. Being shy...is walking into a room full of people you don't know and being reserved or aloof.It's starting a new job, and being quiet and a listener until you get to know the other person a little better and begin to reciprocate the opening up of oneself. Being shy is not putting yourself in a relationship that is unstable and abusive because you don't want to talk to someone attractive.

 

 

Have you suffered from an abusive past? Typically, people who are used to abuse are more likely to endure it because it feels "normal" to them. They are used to it and some are hardly phased by it depending on how desensitized they become.I am sensing that somewhere at some point in your life wether it be by one person or many, you have been devalued to the point where you devalue yourself. You do not view yourself as an equal, but rather as a second class citizen of sorts.The good news is that regardless of how much abuse or crap you've endured and the learned behaviors associated with it, there IS hope. It's up to you of course to decide wether you would like to lead a normal life without this hindering social dysfunction or not, but there is hope and a person CAN be re-orientated if they really want too.

 

 

The ball is in your court.

[Trialbyfire]

There are two ways to look at this:

 

Isn't it better to be with someone you can relax with? While very attractive men can be hot to look at, they can be a whole lotta' work.

 

The same can be said for very attractive women. High maintenance.

 

The other side of the coin, is that people are just...people. There's no one above or below these silly "leagues" that people talk about. You either have the chemistry, or not. Don't let the outside package fool you. When it comes down to it, whether they're extremely attractive or butt-ugly, what's inside will drive how they treat you. Apply your experiences with your nasty ex, to what I'm saying.

[Neptune]

I`ll try anyway.

 

Some sort of version of this happened to me. I think.

 

It could be emotional incest. Or some version thereof. By falling for someone and having an emotional relationship with someone you betray another. Most likely a parent. It is caused by neurotic love which does not allow you to be an adult and have a love interest in your life. It is based on guilt. It can devastate your life. Seek professional help now while you are young and save yourself the misery.

[MsJJ]

I used to do that too, go for guys I was not attracted to. But mainly it was because I just didn't think I deserved any better.

[cutegirl]

My best guess would be to say you are suffering from a social disorder. I say this because the issue is not being shy, but rather it leads to an interruption in living a healthy day to day life. Being shy...is walking into a room full of people you don't know and being reserved or aloof.It's starting a new job, and being quiet and a listener until you get to know the other person a little better and begin to reciprocate the opening up of oneself. Being shy is not putting yourself in a relationship that is unstable and abusive because you don't want to talk to someone attractive.

 

 

Have you suffered from an abusive past? Typically, people who are used to abuse are more likely to endure it because it feels "normal" to them. They are used to it and some are hardly phased by it depending on how desensitized they become.I am sensing that somewhere at some point in your life wether it be by one person or many, you have been devalued to the point where you devalue yourself. You do not view yourself as an equal, but rather as a second class citizen of sorts.The good news is that regardless of how much abuse or crap you've endured and the learned behaviors associated with it, there IS hope. It's up to you of course to decide wether you would like to lead a normal life without this hindering social dysfunction or not, but there is hope and a person CAN be re-orientated if they really want too.

 

 

The ball is in your court.

 

Well I have ALWAYS been shy and I have ALWAYS been this way, even when I was younger such as in high school. I've never been abused but I've liked guys before when I was a kid (elementary and in high school) where the feeling was not reciprocated and I think that might have something to do with it. I just don't take rejection very well.

 

I was never abused by my parents or anyone else. My ex was abusive but I was always afraid to go for what I wanted even during my teens and early 20's and that was WAY before my ex. I was just born like that.

[cutegirl]

You are simply shooting yourself in the leg.

 

It is fear of failure and rejection sabotaging your life and happiness. Your ego is in over-protective mode. Your subconsciousness make you feel good that you are in the guys "league" but because of insecurity (you being ego-centric kid) it is not so sure, so it better sabotages you even before you have chance to burn. So you live ego-safe life....like marathon runner who runs only 1 mile runs, because there is a chance he wont make the whole lot....and people might laugh at him or something.

 

You need to learn to relax. You have to realize you are a grown up kid, afraid of failure. To make some improvement to your staying cool and relaxed you need to practice.

 

No Fear.

 

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. And it will be you and only you who you fear, hate and you who will suffer.

 

Everything you said is probably right on the money. I actually laughed out loud when I read the metaphor of running a mile runs for fear of people laughing that I can't run the entire lot. That was funny. Probably true though.

[cutegirl]

There are two ways to look at this:

 

Isn't it better to be with someone you can relax with? While very attractive men can be hot to look at, they can be a whole lotta' work.

 

The same can be said for very attractive women. High maintenance.

 

The other side of the coin, is that people are just...people. There's no one above or below these silly "leagues" that people talk about. You either have the chemistry, or not. Don't let the outside package fool you. When it comes down to it, whether they're extremely attractive or butt-ugly, what's inside will drive how they treat you. Apply your experiences with your nasty ex, to what I'm saying.

 

But the guys I like are sometimes not even necessarily "really attractive" in general, some are just attractive to me only because I like them, it's just my taste but that doesn't mean they are exceptionally handsome. I can like an average looking guy and just because of the fact that I am attracted to him will still make me afraid and terrified of going for him just because I like him.

[cutegirl]

I`ll try anyway.

 

Some sort of version of this happened to me. I think.

 

It could be emotional incest. Or some version thereof. By falling for someone and having an emotional relationship with someone you betray another. Most likely a parent. It is caused by neurotic love which does not allow you to be an adult and have a love interest in your life. It is based on guilt. It can devastate your life. Seek professional help now while you are young and save yourself the misery.

 

This sounds interesting but I don't think it's the case for me. I don't have a super duper emotional close relationship with my parents...

 

I think I'm just weird, I'd rather fantasize about someone than be with them and ruin the fantasy. It's better to just daydream from a distance for me.

[Trialbyfire]

But the guys I like are sometimes not even necessarily "really attractive" in general, some are just attractive to me only because I like them, it's just my taste but that doesn't mean they are exceptionally handsome. I can like an average looking guy and just because of the fact that I am attracted to him will still make me afraid and terrified of going for him just because I like him.

cutegirl, I get the feeling you always need to be in control of your environment and everything in it, to feel secure enough to get involved. Find balance somewhere inside of you. Sometimes you have to allow someone else an equal portion of control by letting go a bit and allowing yourself the ability to feel the good emotions.

 

That letting go, for the first time, will terrify the bejeezus out of you, if it's not something that you've ever done before. But Wow, what you can experience, can sometimes be well worth it. Just don't let it overwhelm you, to the point of the inability to make rational decisions.

[Saxis]

I have some of the same issues with women, but not as severe as you're describing. Like you, I've "settled" before, just out of fear of not being able to do or deserve better. Heck, I wasn't even very attracted to my XW at first. With that experience alone, I don't recommend continuing down this path! I just keep trying to talk to different people every day and it is getting much easier.

 

If guys you are attracted to are approaching you, that is a huge asset to overcoming this already. All you have to do is say yes and follow through. It will get easier over time. No such luck for me.... most women don't approach guys; they expect the chase.

[cutegirl]

 

If guys you are attracted to are approaching you, that is a huge asset to overcoming this already. All you have to do is say yes and follow through. It will get easier over time. No such luck for me.... most women don't approach guys; they expect the chase.

 

Well, it's not that easy, I still can't talk to them in person (well I can but it's very stressful) and I don't feel comfortable eating in front of a guy I am interested in (I can if I have to but I feel weird about it) etc etc

 

Feel "uncomfortable" around them so I say no when they ask me to go places

[Saxis]

Well, it's not that easy, I still can't talk to them in person (well I can but it's very stressful) and I don't feel comfortable eating in front of a guy I am interested in (I can if I have to but I feel weird about it) etc etc

 

Feel "uncomfortable" around them so I say no when they ask me to go places

 

You may want to start a little slower then. Have you ever tried a double date with a good friend that knows your situation? Someone you trust that will provide encouragement and support, and not ditch you on the date! You may even have this friend set the date up. Take yourself into that "uncomfortable" zone a little bit more each time, until it isn't as uncomfortable anymore.