I'm not his ideal physical "type", jealousy and low self-esteem...

March 18, 2008

Hi! I've been reading through a bunch of threads on the forum and amazed at the responses and great community here. Thought I'd post about an issue that has been weighing on my mind. First very brief background: I am 20 and my boyfriend is 18, I am his first girlfriend, we have been dating for about 7 months, our relationship progressed very quickly (had sex, said "I love you" fairly early on), and we both feel very strongly towards one another. I have always suffered from no confidence, low self-esteem and insecurity (and he knows this). He tells me I'm so beautiful, that I'm perfect, and that he loves everything about me.

I should feel extremely lucky, and so grateful for everything wonderful in our relationship, yet I can't seem to get this one thing out of my head. I don't know how to get over my insecurity and jealousy. I've discovered that my boyfriend has this "thing" for redheads (I have blonde hair), and it truly bothers me that I don't conform to this typical physical "type" he finds attractive. I know it's only one physical trait, and for most men not a very important one, but his overwhelming preference with this basis is pretty obvious and hard to ignore. Over the past 7 months there have been a lot of little things/comments that have fueled this. Such as: *discovering through myspace that all of his past crushes (3 of them) had red hair (and are all thinner, but this doesn't bother me AS much), *him thinking the only hot woman on TV is this redheaded woman on some new sitcom, *a past blog post advocating the hotness of two redheaded celebrities, *remarks like "your hair looks especially hot today, almost a reddish tint" or "the other day I was thinking, and I found out that I like Irish chicks" (although I'm part Irish I don't look Irish at all, no stereotypical red hair or freckles), *possibly checking out a redheaded waitress (although this admittedly might have been just in my paranoid head), and *finding a few redhead porn videos on his computer (and to make matters worse he has always said that he never watches porn and just can't get off to it- but that's a whole other issue...).

He has no clue that this is affecting me, we have never discussed the "red hair" issue, he may not even know that I've caught on to his fetish, as the mentions are brief enough and fairly spaced apart (and some not known to him, i.e. stumbling upon the porn and myspace blog and pics of ex-crushes). So now, I have this automatic absurd and nonsensical hatred towards every red headed woman I see, it's horrible! I just want it to stop. I know what I'm feeling is incredibly irrational, but I can't seem to get past it. It's slowly taking its toll on our relationship and he has no idea. Whenever another girl's attractiveness or red hair is alluded to I get really distant and cold, he probably thinks I'm just acting bitchy for no reason. And I feel not attractive enough for him, and therefore not in the mood for sex. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to everyone but I can't help it.

So, I'm just putting my situation out there. If anyone has been in a similar situation where their boyfriend (or girlfriend) has a certain physical "type" and you don't conform to this ideal image in his (or her) head, how have you dealt with it? Should I even be upset about this? I know it is unrealistic to want to be THE most attractive woman to him, but perhaps I have this illogical romanticized perception of true love that I just can't shake (I'm also aware of how completely superficial this whole thing is, which is why it seems so out of character and ridiculous for me to be worrying about). He does tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I am perfect, so why can't I just accept and believe what he's saying? I want to just rid myself of this ridiculous and unhealthy jealousy/insecurity, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Should I confront him about it (or just deal with it on my own, after all it's probably more to do with my own self-esteem issues)? Maybe at least let him know it bothers me so he stops subtly bringing it up, but then again he can't change what he likes and I shouldn't ask him to- perhaps bringing it into the open will only make him feel guilty about something he cannot really control... If I were to talk to him about it, what would I say and how could I bring it up?

I feel stuck and terrible, ungrateful and silly, jealous and ugly, confused... Any conversation, comments, help, etc. would be so very appreciated!

March 18, 2008

I feel for you avaantgaarde. Everything I would say to you, you have already said yourself.

...I have this automatic absurd and nonsensical hatred towards every red headed woman...

...what I'm feeling is incredibly irrational...

...I have this illogical romanticized perception of true love...

...he can't change what he likes and I shouldn't ask him to...

Get yourself some red hair, and recognize that insecurity WILL actually make him less attracted to you. Unlike a lack of red hair.

March 18, 2008

It could be worse. You could have red hair and discover that you and all his past crushes/GFs looked creepily alike. Then you'd feel like he was only with you because you physically matched his taste and not with you for any reason the was intrinsically "you".

March 18, 2008

So, I'm just putting my situation out there. If anyone has been in a similar situation where their boyfriend (or girlfriend) has a certain physical "type" and you don't conform to this ideal image in his (or her) head, how have you dealt with it?

Yup. Both my exH and my exBF had a 'type' - petite, delicate features, emo-ish, very thin. I am tall, strong featured, tomboyish, and curvy - large breasts and generous 'mother' hips. In both cases, their 'type' did not stop them from falling in love with, and being with me. Even now both of them are still very much in my life - very involved. Let's just say that I don't think anyone really buys that we are 'ex's'. Neither one seems interested in the 'type' anymore. Both have come to prefer my type. The breakups had absolutely nothing to do with 'types', btw.

How did I deal with it? At first I did what you did - made myself miserable and sabotaged my relationships. Then, I decided that I was tired of being that way, said 'f*ck it - this is who I am'. And you know what? I was happier and so were they. These days I don't care at all about types, or comparing myself to others in that way. I have been told I'm far more attractive in my sense of self than I ever was otherwise. There is no uglier trait in a person than insecurity/jealousy. Even the hottest of women become grotesque and tiresome with those traits.

I want to just rid myself of this ridiculous and unhealthy jealousy/insecurity, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind.

If you can't rid yourself, then you need to find someone who can help you with that. Consider counseling. Do not confront him. That is like saying "I am sick, but you need to take the nasty medicine for me."

March 18, 2008

IMO most people fashion a "type" after the person they're in love with.

In the past, my "type" was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, like my high school sweetheart.

Now I only check out thin, brown-eyed, dark-haired guys who are my height. Like my ex.

I'd bet anything that there's ONE redhead in his past that he was in love with, and the others he crushed on afterward. Seeking her.

March 18, 2008

OP, the quick progression of your relationship and focus of your post indicate to me that you're wadded up in the superficial. This is a perfect example of why a relationship should build slowly.

If the 20 yo guy is mature, you might be able to unring this bell. I'm betting he's already aware of your insecurities. Open a dialogue with him. See where it goes. You're young. IMO, a bit too early for the "spend the rest of your life" speech.

March 18, 2008

Is insecurity the flipside of being a perfectionist? I've yet to meet a perfect person and, if you think about it, being perfect is subjective, like in your b/fs case. Many people don't like natural redheads, due to the pale skin and freckles that go with it.

With the above in mind, why do you need your b/f to consider you superficially perfect? Shouldn't your focus be on wanting him to enjoy being with you and accepting both your positive and negative traits?

March 18, 2008

Hi -

I think that you're taking this way too much to heart. Guys, especially that young, will always have their superficial fantasies or preferences (and honestly, women will too), but that exists somewhere completely outside of a true relationship. I mean, I have a thing for latino and dark-skinned italian women, my girl is somehow pastier than I am. just because I find darker skinned women generally attractive doesn't mean that I find my girlfriend less attractive by proxy - there is a big difference between "surface level" attraction and real attraction, and just because you lack one quality that might catch his eye it doesn't mean that you as a whole don't do it for him! to put it more simply, i'm generally into big boobs as a concept but the two women that I've been most attracted to in my life, both on a purely physical and mental level, have had smaller chests. it's not a big deal at all.

You shouldn't let this get to you at all - just because red hair is a turn-on to him doesn't mean that you're lacking something because you don't have it. if anything, indulge his fantasy a little! grab a sexy red wig and throw it on in an impromptu moment or something.

March 18, 2008

It's probably not that he's physically attracted to red-heads, just that from his experience, they're better in bed than you.

At least, that's been my experience. crazy red heads.

March 18, 2008

It's probably not that he's physically attracted to red-heads, just that from his experience, they're better in bed than you.

At least, that's been my experience. crazy red heads.

well, I did neglect to mention that I myself am a red-head - so, yeah, this is pretty much true.

March 18, 2008

Avaant, I wouldn't worry about it so much. I'm a 57 year old man. As a youngster, I thought red heads were exotic and thus attractive. I even dated a couple. I also dated one "natural" blond. I was just as attracted to brunettes. I was married to a brunette for 25 years, and only saw brunettes as sexually attractive, thinking blondes were unattractive... until my divorce.

Then I re-connected with my "only" blond, and found myself intensely attracted to blonds!

I believe it's a situational thing.

March 18, 2008

I saw on The Today Show yesterday that scientists estimate that in 100 years, naturally occurring redheads will be extinct! Perhaps he's just intrigued by their rarity...?

Okay, in all seriousness...

Perhaps you should focus on all the wonderful qualities you have that make you "the type" of gal ANY guy would want to be with, rather than one incredibly superficial trait you lack that may or may not make you the physical type of just one single man.

March 18, 2008

My ex-fiancee always said he was attracted to short women with short blonde/red hair, whether they were thin or a little more curvy.

I'm a tall, curvy brunette with long hair.

I didn't let it bother me.

In fact, I let him know I usually like my men over 6 ft. tall, athletic, with a full head of dark hair, and he was short, out of shape and bald.

March 18, 2008

Think about it this way. If it's the "be all and end all" of your relationship, go to your hairdresser and make it so! Shouldn't that make him give you his complete focus? Will that be enough or will you find something else to obsess about?

March 18, 2008

Both of us are generally very unsuperficial people, which makes this seem utterly ridiculous for me to be obsessing about. So I am very much aware of how silly and petty I sound!

Will that be enough or will you find something else to obsess about?

Sadly, I probably would. I always do (this just seems to be particularly bad). Which illuminates the fact that this is my issue and it goes much deeper than just the red hair thing. I need to work on my self-esteem in general (both external and internal). I know I'd be a lot happier not only in relationships, but in life. It's been a life-long problem I haven't yet been able to overcome.

At this point I know that he loves me for "me" and the internal. I suppose now I just wish I could fulfill both of his ideals, both external and internal (yes trialbyfire I am a perfectionist heh, how did you guess). But again, I know this is totally unrealistic and I guess I have to keep reminding myself of that, and that the internal is far more important of course. I should feel lucky I'm so sure of his attraction to my personality. Though, I know I'll still feel threatened when some very cool redhead comes into our lives. His like for his past "crushes" was not purely physical, they were very long and seemingly deep (but in the past! must keep reminding self....).

Oh, regarding the

from his experience, they're better in bed than you.

I took his virginity, so that's not it hehehe. But I do worry that because of that he will always wonder about others in the back of his mind... never able to satisfy this fantasy. (Although he assures me he is totally satisfied with me and doesn't need/want to experience more women/relationships to be sure of his love)

I guess I just hoped that since he's in love with me he would start to find some of my qualities attractive in other women, sort of reform his perceived "type" like a few of the posts have mentioned happened in their situations. Instead, all the women/celebs he currently finds attractive look very similar to his past "crushes", and not at all like me. Am I bound to be the only exception to this rule, is he going to grow increasingly curious in this fantasy that he's never indulged in? I guess these are some worries I have, irrational or not.

But, these are things I wish for, and I should be focusing on what I have. I fluctuate between thinking this is no big deal and I'm totally over-thinking things, and feeling completely terrible, etc... Thanks everyone for your posts, it really helps just to get different perspectives on things. I tend to over-analyze everything and get bogged down, stuck-in-my-head and unable to see the bigger picture.

Edited March 18, 2008 by avaantgaarde

March 20, 2008

Hi there Avaantgaarde!

After reading your post, I just HAD to comment!! My boyfriend of one year is crazy about red heads as well. For a long while there, I too had a slight problem with it. I felt the same way as you do!! It's not just red heads either, he has other physical attributes that I don't have, that he finds himself attracted to. Think about this for a second. Picture a hot guy. Any guy that you would be head over heels for. What does he look like? I'm sure that you yourself find certain characteristics attractive more so than others. For example, does that guy have black or blond hair? Does he have facial hair? is it a beard or goatee?

My point is we all do it. Men or women and it doesn't matter what age. I prefer tall guys over short guys, but it doesn't mean I couldn't fall absolutely head over heels with a short guy. Your boyfriend is just a little more verbal with it than most people. That doesn't have to be a bad thing though.

Whenever I feel that way you do, I always talk to my boyfriend about. We've discussed the red hair thing and you know what I found out? He wasn't even aware that it was bothering me that much! He told me he was just expressing what was on his mind and thought I'd like to know what turned him on! After we talked for a bit, I felt much better and you know what?! I actually dyed my hair red for a while and it actually drove him CRAZY!!! Of course he did let me know that even if my hair was purple, green, white or whatever he would still love me just the same. I bet your boyfriend feels this way too.

Remember, Please, Please.... talk to your boyfriend whenever something bothers you in your relationship. Keeping this stuff bottled up inside will do nothing but hurt you and in turn make your more distant and end up hurting your relationship. You may think this whole thing is silly, but you know what? If it really hurts and bothers you it is in no way shape or form silly! It matters to YOU!

Also, about dying your hair red, don't do it if you don't feel comfortable.. You should never change something about yourself unless you REALLY want to.... Don't change yourself for ANYBODY. You are beautiful the way you are.. My situation was a bit different because I have had every hair color under the sun, including red... LOL...

Good luck to you sweetie!!!

March 20, 2008

My fiance loves blondes. He is crazy about blonde hair and blue eyes. I have dark brown hair and brown eyes. I was insecure about it at first so I know how you feel. My fiance dated his "dream girl" an ex of his that had blonde hair and blue eyes, when we were on a break. It lasted three weeks. Its not the hair color or body or whatever physical attribute your mate prefers, its the person you are. Thats who he is in love with. Another ex of mine is crazy about blondes with blue eyes as well yet he dated me for several years (and I was the one who left him). Just because you aren't a red head doesn't mean your boyfriend loves you any less. He is probably crazy about you which means he saw something extra special in you (because you weren't his normal "type") so he was attracted to you beyond just the physical. You should feel good about that. As far as him making comments about red heads that bother you, just talk to him about that.

March 20, 2008

Studies have shown that if you are not your partner's physical type, he is more likely to cheat.

March 21, 2008

Well, I tend to disagree. There is a reason your partner would be with you in the first place. There is something that attracts everyone. Just because my ideal man is tall and my boyfriend is short, doesn't mean I'm more likely to cheat on him because of it. Cheating isn't even about appearance 99% of the time. Remember this too, 99% of the time cheaters have a genetic makeup to continue their behavior. People can change, but never for someone else. They have to want it for themselves.

March 21, 2008

I have to reject that too.

My boyfriend's ideal body type is Mariah Carey, and I'm built like Jessica Alba. However, if Mariah came onto my boyfriend, I wouldn't be worried. Its not that he wouldn't find her attractive, because he probably would, but its that he doesn't have the type of personality to cheat. Plus, if he wanted to toss away what we have for one night, then he is just crazy and I don't want to be with him anyway.

March 22, 2008

I smiled when I read your post, my guy also has a thing for *red heads* although I have black hair naturally brown.

You know if your guy *really* preferred red heads he would be with one and wouldn't be with you.

The thing is he thinks you are perfect and beautiful in my mind that's better than being red, that's an attraction he has for you.

Stay focused on the positive comments he gives you as long as he always makes you feel desired then who cares about what other girls *do it for him*

But I think you are right subtly tell him that his comments about red heads make you feel jealous maybe he doesn't realise he does it. Either way if you bring it to his attention and he loves you he will stop doing it.

Again like you I have insecurity issues that I have always had that would run deeper than my bf's female desires lol, he also finds japenese girls hot lol and I am scottish.

Over all he sounds like a good bf, stay happy

March 22, 2008

All this talk about types, height, hair color, etc.

I thought I had one growing up, but what I learned about myself is that while there has to be an initial attraction, usually the woman I like ends up defining it for me as that what I like.

For example, I used to love brunettes growing up, but there was this hot red head i worked with. Then I had a thing for both brunettes and red heads.

Its like a person makes the traits desirable, not the other way around.

both Queen Latifah and Kelly Rippa equally. Weird.

March 22, 2008

There was this one guy that told me, historically, most of the women he'd gotten involved with, had been blondes. He thought I would look good as a blonde. I said...no, it would wash me right out, due to my skin tone.

While I might not have been his ideal, that's okay too. No one is perfect and no matter how good-looking, bright, whatever, there will always be someone closer to someone else's ideal. If who you are, isn't sufficient, they're more than welcome to find the exit, if the basis for a relationship is solely physical. This theory is applicable to either gender.

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I'm not his ideal physical "type", jealousy and low self-esteem...

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