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Did I make my nightmare a reality? Is it all my fault?


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Posted (edited)

Hello everyone. This is very difficult for me to say this. But, outside of my parents I really don't have anyone to share this with. Well where to begin. I have dated my now ex girlfriend for a little over 3 years. We started dating on valentines day 05. Things started off rocky. She had just ended a 4 year relationship with her fiancee that she claims she never loved. That had proposed to her twice. (Whom to this day still tries to rekindle things). So she was hesitant to start a relationship and tried to end it with me everyday for the first week. But, past that part the first year was magical. Because I did everything I possibly could to be the greatest boyfriend in history. I had sex only to please her and didn't enjoy as much as I looked at it like a test. I spent over a $1,000 on bday and xmas. A guy that was 24 at the time making $8 hr. I even pushed away all my friends that I thought where bad influences. But she was good to me and I felt genuinely loved me. Came from a good religious family.

 

The second year we started having problems. One thing I forgot to mention was that about a year before this relationship. I had been in a 4 year relationship with a girl that cheated on me with at least 3 different people so lets just say I wasn't the most trusting person. This got worse as this current relationship went on. As one day I decided to read her journal. I think this was the point when everything went down hill. I read in her journal that on our 3 or 4th date she had kissed a guy at a club I took her to for my friends birthday. Her rationale was that I was checking out girls on the metro north on our way there. (In my defense if anyone has been on a 11pm metro north train to grand central on a warm saturday night. There are going to be wasted people that do anything for attention. Keep in mind the seats only face one way.) I continued to find out about her talking to guys and flirting. No cheating. My obsession grew and grew over the next year. To the point where I installed a keylogger on her pc. See year 2 and 3. She was always looking for guy friends. Her reasoning was that she was raped by her older brother at a very very young age and always wanted that brother figure. I would always become enraged with jealousy and point to things I read in her journal or read in text messages as evidence. Because she had only really been with me and her ex because of what happened with her brother. I also looked at this as a relationship that I wouldn't be cheated on. Plus all the pills an everything I did to make sure I was a hr in bed all the time it couldn't happen.

 

Side note we did live together for roughly six months. This is about a year and a half in the relationship. It started off great but I lost my job and was home alot in a very small one bedroom apt. Eventually we where getting on each others nerves to much and felt like we couldn't breathe. So I moved back home with my parents. i just felt like because I moved into her house she always felt like she could throw me out. Although I was paying most of the bills.

 

Lets fast forward to two weeks ago. In our 3rd year. This was a turmbulant year with alot of make up and break ups. Actually in the last two years we must have made up and broke up 8 times. But two weeks ago was big because I convinced my parents to let her stay at our home while she got her bathroom fixed. I thought here is a good opportunity to see if we could make the living together situation work in a different environment. I thought the fact that she was willing to stay for me although my parents didn't like her. She knew my friends and family didnt like her. I think it was because for the most part I only went to them when I was angry at her and painted a bad picture. I also looked at this as sign that she really wanted us to work too. Well the first week and half was great. Then one morning she asks me to get some info from her book. I do. Then I notice there are some notes not school related from someone. Just some nonsense. But this intrigues me to snoop. So I do and find out that she had gone on a date with someone while away in RI to see her family. A very old friend that she knew had feeling for her. That had told me this. She claims nothing happened. And I believe her. The next day she creates a myspace page. This really pisses me off because she is 26 and at this point if you don't have a myspace page why would you need one now? :confused: So then things really get to get weird, and I have a hunch something is going on. "This guy rights to her and says"I miss you baby. Can't wait to see you." Now I'm like wtf. She responds on his myspace page saying just. "muah". Then her younger brother replies "I see you have a new boyfriend. I'm going to keep my eye on him." Im like wtf. This guy who is calling her baby is her mechanic who she had been talking about to frequently for my taste. I am so angry that I break up with her over this. While she leaves for her parents place in RI. We don't speak much for that week. I was trying to go for no contact for awhile till she came t her senses.

 

About 4 days later she says that she wants to bring me my stuff cause me going to her place is too painful for her. I agree. Still very. :mad:

As soon as she opens the car door and I see her I melt. She is just so beautful. I even blurt out just looking at you I feel like I can forgive anything. :love: We end up going out to eat and having a great time.........

Except on the way back. She keeps bringing up her mechanic Ben. How I should get a better car, and look into cars more. Then she won't need someone like that in her life. I said to her. The way your talking to sounds like your ****ing this guy. In a joking fashion. She pauses and says whatever. This intrigued me. So later on that day. I go into her myspace page and delete him and other douche bags from her friends list, since I feel like where going to get back together. She calls me freaking out in under 2 mintues that Ben (the mechanic) was gone from her friends list. I was like wow that was fast you said you where going home and taking a nap. She says: "He text me that he was taken off and what was going on." I ask her wtf is going on no response. So i get resourceful and check her email. Turns out she wrote to one of her guy friends that she had been dating this guy for a few months. That she had sex with him on there 5th date. that she felt like such a slut in a joking fashion.(I waited 3 weeks. Her previous ex 1 year.) She continues to deny this after I confront her and said that whom ever I talked to was lying. She said that she called BEN and he didn't speak to me.

 

I then tell her I found out by reading her email and read it back to her line for line. Now Im heart broken. And have been in tears non stop over these last two days. :lmao: The thing that gets to me is that she lied to me and cheated on me knowing, what I went through with my ex. My mother seems to think im attracted to flirtatious women. But she was born with a very religious family and made me go to church many times. I feel with all my jealousy and acqusations over the years that I pushed her to this. But the other thing that really gets me is that im 27 her last ex was 35 and she always said we where too immature at times. This guy she is dating and called her new boyfriend is ****ING 19!!!! WTF!!! Thats the same age as her younger brother!! Her reasoning behind it was that she wanted to feel young and attractive again. :confused:

 

Any thoughts, or advice, or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Edited by LoserAtLove
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