loveralone Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Have you ever told an ex that you will NEVER be with them again and then found yourself pinning away for them? He said he loved me like he's never loved anyone, and he's my first love (btw, I'm 28 and he's 34...we're not just going through "puppy love"...) - after 2 years, we've been broken up for 3 weeks today, and he's already "moving on". He told me last night that he cares about me, but that we will never be together again. I told him that was fine, and I felt the same way...but I don't. Which makes me wonder if he really means "never", or if that's just his way of dealing with the loss. He's mad at me because I called him out on the crap he was pulling with telling me about all the dates he's been going on, and then making a comment about how he didn't come home the night before. When I asked him why, he lied and said he spent the night at his friends house after his date. I let it go for about an hour, but then called him back to ask why he would A.) tell me that, and B.) lie to me about it. He yelled and told me his life is none of my business (I agree! So stop telling me about your dates!), that I'm not his girlfriend anymore, and I never will be... I guess I just don't understand how he can go from telling me how much he loves me one minute to how much he wants me out of his life the next. I haven't asked him to get back together with me, and I've told him the only thing I want is to be his friend still...he's my best friend! I changed my entire life for him, and now I'm left with nothing! My friends all live several hours away, my family lives an hour and a half away, the people I have been close with the past 2 years are all his friends... Is this just a man thing? Is this how men deal with their pain? He told me that the last girl he was in a serious relationship with (12 years ago) broke him so badly it took him months to get over her...could this be why he's doing what he's doing? God, how in the world do people get over this?! I feel like I'm never going to be okay again! Everyone keeps saying "It DOES get easier", but it sure doesn't feel like it ever will! I'm so angry and hurt right now! He promised me forever, and now he's telling me never...and he's "moving on". Sorry, I guess this turned into more of a rant than I expected. It was either write this to him, or write it here....
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 It doesn't get any easier if you're still talking to him all the time. You can't be friends after a break-up, not right away, and often, not ever. Withdraw. Stop treating him like he's your best friend, because he can't be. Best friends talk about their love lives, among other things, and because you can't listen to it, you're faking the "friend" thing. And making yourself miserable on top of it. Get some distance from this guy and force yourself to get out and explore this place you live in where you have no friends. Get involved with something - sports, hiking clubs, softball, a gym. The exercise endorphins really do make you feel better. And activities help you meet people. Don't try to keep his so-called friendship because you have no life - create a life and the pain will ease as well. And, if you do actually want him to miss you, you have to actually be GONE in order for him to miss you. So stop being on the other end of the phone. Just tell him you can't be his friend and listen to him tell you about his other dates, so it's all or nothing. Either he wants you because he wants all of you, or he doesn't get any of you, including the chit chat and listening ear.
Issues & tissues Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) Norajane is right. You need to be out of his life for him to realize what he is missing. I can relate to your story. I moved to a different country 10 years ago to be with my BF (now ex). Looking back I sacrificed a lot of things (friends, family, lifestyle, etc) in order to be together. When he left earlier this year I was devastated. I didn't think I could make it on my own albeit in a foreign country. Three months on and I am seeing the country I live in through different eyes. I have met some wonderful / interesting new people in the past few months and I have visited more places in the past few weeks than I have done the whole of the last 10 years! Not only am I discovering more about this wonderful country and its people but also about myself. I changed jobs at the end of last year, I'm moving to a new apartment at the end of the month, I have taken up a new hobby (opera singing) and by forcing myself out of the house I have made new friends whom I'm sure I would never have met had my ex and I still been together. Last week my ex called me to ask if I missed him. who? Edited March 18, 2008 by Issues & tissues
Author loveralone Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I am trying to get myself involved in activities in my neighborhood, and I've signed up for some classes at the local city college...I'm just still so angry! It's hard to enjoy going out and about when everything has a memory attached to it, everything makes me think of him, and us. And it's hard to make new friends when all I can think about or talk about is this stupid heartache of mine...I can't even fake the smile anymore! I keep having dreams about him - sex dreams, dreams in which we're still together, dreams where he comes back and we make things right...I'm getting to the point where I hate sleeping anymore because he’s always there to meet me… I woke up this morning after dreaming that he came back, begged me to come home, and he told me he would do anything it took - and when I woke up, for a split second I had actually believed that it was real! When it hit me that, no, he wasn't coming back, and I was only dreaming, it crushed my heart all over again... It’s been 22 days since I’ve seen him last. I miss him so much! I just want to curl up in his arms where I felt safe and loved God, I sound pathetic. I use to be such a strong, independent woman! What's happening to me?!!! (On the upside, I am getting asked out on dates more now than I ever have been before! LOL! And I’ve lost 25 lbs! WOOHOO! There’s a silver lining, I suppose.)
LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're taking most of the right steps. And yes, it's hard, but do it anyway. One day you'll realize it's not as hard anymore.
backspn Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I have never seen it in my relationships but Im sure it happens. When you break up and then get back together to live happily ever after. When men end a relationship, I have noticed that some couples get back together, start fresh and begin again. I know women and men act differently after ending things. When women end it, do they just find another love and move on completely? Or do they really think about the one that got away and try to get it back?
LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I'd say it probably has less to do with gender than with character and the reasons they saw for ending it.
Author loveralone Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I guess I ended it, but by that time it was pretty much a mutual decision. The short version of the story is that last April I found out I was pregnant, but we lost the baby. I withdrew from him, didn't want to have sex, wasn't my happy self anymore... I was angry at the world, but mostly at him because he didn't understand, and he couldn't understand. I knew it wasn't his fault, but I was still angry. By the time I finally started to alow myself to heal, he had begun to withdrawl from me. He said we lost our "spark", which I have to admit is true...I just didn't think it was gone for good... I didn't want to end it with him - I just wanted him to fight for me! I felt like I had dealt with so much already, and I just wanted to know that he thought I was worth it. And I thought that if he didn't fight for me, then I would know he wasn't "the one", and I'd be better off without him... Neither of those have happened. I miss him so much I can hardly catch my breath at moments! Hearing the words "...you will never be my girlfriend again" was so painful... So now, not only do I have to deal with the emotions I'm still sorting through from last year, but I'm left to do it alone, with nothing more than a broken heart and broken promises of "forever"...
Author loveralone Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Man, I haven't stopped crying since I wrote all of that!! I'm fighting so hard to keep NC going.... I told him I wanted him to come pick up his stuff and bring me mine, and I wanted him to do it quickly so we could just get this over with, but he wouldn't give me a day, and he isn't getting in touch with me. I just don't know what to do anymore. This just plain sucks.
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