marriedwith2kids Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I am feeling soo emotionally lonely right now. My husband and I have been married 9yrs now but together for 10. I recently found out that everything started off on a lie. He cheated on me while we were living together and while I was pregnant the first year of our marriage. I didnt find that out until he cheated on me 4years ago. We manage to get counseling from our pastor and since then he has been going to church and living a diffrent way. This is something that I had been trying to get us to do from day 1. Now I find myself trying to fit in quality time with him and he is spending 5 day a week at church in meetings after work. On the weekends he spending time with his mom or friends. I am starting to think he has replaced being in the world now with church and church friends. I am still getting the short end here. I have talked to him about this (spending some time together) and he would say things like "I have changed and I am still complaining". He says he loves me very much and dont want no one else because he relizes what he has. Sometimes I feel like just finding someone just to get what I need from them -emotional healing. I have never cheated on my husband but sometimes I find myself dreaming of someone treating me the way I would like. Also, I have tried to get out a little but the kids makes it kinda hard right now. What can I do?
norajane Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Can you join him in all those church activities? Talk to your pastor and tell him the church has taken away your husband. Ask him to remind your H that he can best serve god by taking care of his wife and children. The church has many to care for it, but you only have him.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Given your painful experiences with your husband's infidelity, what would prompt you to title your post in such a way? Do you want revenge? There are no winners in this game, only losers. Since the pastor helped in the past (assuming same one), have them intervene again and help to reunite your family. I know you're lonely...it's really hard. If your husband cannot give you what you need and deserve, you may have to leave him. Are you prepared for that?
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Why not just divorce instead of cheating on him? Two wrongs do not make a right. Confront him with what you know and go from there. Divorce, split everything up and have shared custody of your kids.
Author marriedwith2kids Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Carhill I am not looking to get revenge. I am just tired of not getting anything I need in this marriage. I deserve to be happy after what I have been thru and he says that he is learning but how long do I have to wait until he learns that I am important here and I need a little attention from him.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Either talk to him and go to marriage counselling ,fix your marriage together or end it. Also, if he isn't giving you attention, the type that you feel you might need from someone else, well, that is a sign that maybe you should seek individual counselling. You know what it's like now to be cheated upon, so honestly, there's no real justification of you going off and cheating on your husband. If he isn't meeting your needs, talk it out with HIM. Cheating isn't goin to help, it will just add more problems and drama into your life and into your marriage.
stampdaddy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 go ahead.. CHEAT.. be a scumbag.. see where that get's you and EVERYBODY else
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) Carhill I am not looking to get revenge.Yes, I suspected this, but challenged you to get underneath. Sorry about that. I understand this issue (not the infidelity part). I'm currently assessing my marriage similarly. As WWIU has mentioned, counseling will help you, whether religious or lay. I handle my reaction to my marriage and wife completely differently than I did prior to starting psychological counseling. It is a palpable change. Amazing. Because you have children, it is doubly important to find clarity in yourself and plan what you want to do, beyond what you need from your husband. You can't change him or make him meet your needs. He has to do it willingly and voluntarily. You can only control what you do. I've felt your temptation. I've had the emotional attachment. As I said prior, there are no winners. Find another way. Stay with us. We'll try to help and offer support. Hug the kids Stampdaddy...tough day? I got blown back a bit Edited March 18, 2008 by carhill
Author marriedwith2kids Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks carhill for your words of encourangement. I will hug the kids more and I will find something else to pass my time away. I really hope and pray that it will be enough to keep me strong. I am been fighting battles for a while now including my health. I just dont want my time to pass me by and I look back on it and wish. I do love my husband I just wished that he can show me the love that he says he has for me.
carhill Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 As you're likely already aware, the stress of dealing with this can affect your health or exacerbate an existing health issue. I cared for my demented mother for 4 years and thought I was going to die from the stress, literally. It felt like a constant heart attack and I was always getting sick. Take care of yourself. I know your husband should be there for you but sometimes we must bear these burdens ourselves. You have the strength and the faith
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I do love my husband I just wished that he can show me the love that he says he has for me. Then tell your husband exactly this. He can't do it on his own. You BOTH need to communicate and really "listen" to eachother. Each of you have needs that aren't being met. I'm sure there are things he is unhappy about when it comes to you, so talking it out WILL get the ball rolling.
Lookingforward Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 go ahead.. CHEAT.. be a scumbag.. see where that get's you and EVERYBODY else Could you pass the tequila please ?
Sal Paradise Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Only irresponsible cowards cheat. Nothing he has done in the past or is doing now gives you an excuse to do the same. If you're unhappy you have two choices... 1) Fix what is making you unhappy. And if after exhausting choice 1 because he is either unwilling or unable to help you in this, you go to choice number 2... 2) Divorce. Cheating is not an option for honest people with integrity. Don't go down that road. Nothing good can come of it.
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