stellar4141 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Hi everyone, I've never posted here before but have noticed what a great place this is to get advice, and right now I really need some. Apologies for the length of this post, but it's so involved, and I think I need to tell every aspect. I moved away from home to university in september of last year. Straight away I knew it was the best thing I ever did, I had amazing flatmates, my course was fantastic, the uni itself was brilliant, and everything was going right. I got on particularly well with one of my flatmates - and he quickly became my best friend at uni. We were, and still are so close. I told him everything and he told me everything and we always looked out for eachother. I honestly had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, I just really respected and trusted him. Then, before we went away for christmas in december, about a week from when we were due to leave, we were at the bar with our other friends, and the drink was flowing as usual and stuff was normal. When we got back to our flat, we did the usual thing of going into his room to watch a film. We did this every night and it was nothing new, but this time I could sense something was different. The next thing I knew we were kissing and hands were wandering. I pulled away telling him I didn't want things to get awkward, but I couldn't stop, and neither could he. We didn't have sex, but I woke up the next morning in his bed full of regret, and ran out of his room as fast as possible. I got showered and dressed and avoided him for the rest of the day. When I eventually saw him it was so awkward and strained and I felt terrible. That night we went out again, and we were both really really drunk. When we got back to our flat, he was really ill from the drink, and I looked after him and made sure he was okay. As I went to leave his room he jumped up and told me I wasn't going anywhere. The same thing happened as the night before, but this time, when we woke up the next morning I didn't run away. We stayed in bed literally all day, until 9pm, cuddling and kissing and just talking about everything. For the next 5 days until we left for christmas, we spent every night together, even when there was no alcohol involved, and on our very last night we had sex. I left the next morning pretty gutted to be leaving him, I would of missed him like hell even if any of that hadn't happened, but it had, and now it was going to hurt more. Over the 2 weeks of christmas break, we spoke once or twice on the phone, and pretty much every day by text but neither of us mentioned what had happened between us, I just figured we'd sort it when we returned to uni in january. I missed him so much and was pretty much miserable without him, but I also kept thinking "what the hell". I was so scared I was going to lose him, but I also knew I was getting feelings for him that weren't there before. When we returned after christmas, we went out with a couple of other friends for a few drinks, and when we got back to the flat, we watched a film again and one thing led to another and we started to kiss again. He stopped me and said he didn't want to have full sex with me and that I couldn't stay the night because it was he had stuff to do the next day. I thought fair enough, as our beds are pretty tiny anyway so that suited me fine. The next few nights, we'd watch a film, the film would end,then I'd go back to my room. I was so confused, and one night I just snapped and asked him what the hell was going on. He said that it probably wasn't a good idea, and we should just be friends. This absolutely crushed me, and I felt terrible. Not only had I been rejected by someone I was sure I wasn't going to be rejected by, but I felt that our friendship couldn't be the same again. This lasted about 4 days, until we got drunk again and he came into my room and we ended up doing things. We had sex but he didn't stay the night. This has basically happened for the past 10 weeks. Every time we were drunk, we'd end up sleeping together. We'd never talk about it, just pretended it didn't happen. Things weren't awkward between us during the day, and we were back to how it used to be before all this happened. I just figured it was a thing we had, it didn't mean anything. He acted so passive towards me that I just thought it meant nothing to him. But it meant something to me, I soon realised I was falling in love with him. About 3 weeks before we were due to leave for easter, I kissed another guy in a club because I was feeling terrible about the whole situation and I just needed to feel wanted by someone. My flatmate saw, and stormed out of the club and off home. I followed him, and when we got back to the flat we had a huge argument that stemmed from a can of beans being open on the side. I ended up bursting into tears, ranting about how I didn't know what was going on between us but he was the only one I wanted. We ended up sleeping together, and the next day he was absolutely lovely to me. Where he normally acts like he couldn't care less about our friendship, he was kind and funny and sweet and affectionate. So it carried on, we wouldn't talk about what was going on beween us but every night we'd watch a film together, cuddle up, and, if we were drunk, we'd sleep together. But I never stayed the night, and neither did he. I carried on being ridiculously in love with him, but hiding it and pretending I was passive towards him in that respect. Our friendship had always had it's intense points, but it was generally getting more aggressive as time went on. We'd have blazing arguments, and on our last week, he made me cry twice with how horrible he was being to me. He never said sorry, we just started talking again after we'd both calmed down after a few hours. We were due to leave uni for easter on saturday, and on the wednesday evening we went out for one of our friends birthdays. He got very very drunk, and we got separated and met up later at our flat. He was angry, shouting at everyone, hating everyone, which was so out of character for him. I did my best to calm him down,and eventually it worked and he went back to normal. He was still desperately drunk, and we ended up sleeping together again. But where normally we have a quick cuddle and then I leave, he said "go and find someone who's nice". I replied with "what?". He then started talking about how he was a bastard to me, how I deserved someone who was nice to me, how he never said sorry to me because he didn't know how. He said how I was his best friend in all the world, and he had never had this kind of friendship with anyone. How I was the only one he was himself with, the only one he could confide in, and how much I meant to him. Then he said "I don't want a relationship, this isn't going to go anywhere, but when you kissed that guy in the club the other week it drove me crazy". I told him I wouldn't kiss any other guys if he wanted me to, but that meant he had to be with me, and that we were together. He said he didn't know what he wanted, but that maybe we should stop sleeping together. I said that was fine. The next day we spent the entire day together and it was lovely. He was affectionate again, and we had such a good time, laughing like we used to. I still knew I was in love with him, but I thought as long as we still got on like this I could get over it. Our last night at uni was spent at a nightclub, and my drink was spiked. I was in a dangerous state, at one point, unconscious, and ended up with several cuts on my arms. He looked after me, took me home, and sorted out my cuts. I didn't go to bed, as I wanted to wait until I felt better. We ended up staying up for hours talking, and I gradually sobered up. We went to his room to watch a film, and one thing led to another and once again...you guessed it. Only this time, I woke up in his bed the following morning wrapped up in his arms, with him kissing my forehead and telling me "I'll never hurt you ever again". That was 3 days ago. I'm going crazy. I miss him so much, but I also feel so in limbo... What should I do? Do I tell him how much I love him? Or do I just stop it as we go back to uni, be strong, and stop putting myself through this? The thing is, I'm the happiest I'm ever likely to be when I'm cuddling him. I've never felt like this over anyone, and I'm scared I won't ever again. Sorry again about the length, just needed to get that all out. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 After reading your thread, I can't help but to try my hardest to comprehend the emotional rollercoaster ride you've been on. I can tell how much you care about your friend, but he's very uncertain about his emotions. One day he's wonderful, and the next he's cold and thoughtless. You've made yourself physically and emotionally open to him, and you're now vulnerable. I think you would be lying to yourself if you say that you just want things to be the way they are. I believe the person most to get hurt in this situation is you, because you've made it known that you want to be with him. When a women becomes emotionally attached, it's very hard to see it in any other way. But it's very unlikely to turn out to be healthy either way, be it you end up with him or not, because you've placed too much into this. But why is it everytime the both of you slept together, it was after a drunken night out? Couldn't it have been when the both of your were sober? I think under all this, he's the one with emotional problems which he refuses to deal with. And alcohol is most likely his addiction to getting his frustrations out.
AriaIncognito Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Unlike the other responder, I dont have to wonder what that emotional roller coaster felt like, because I was on one just like it, for 18 months. I'd advise against it. Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn't. Don't stick around in HOPES he'll change his mind and be the bf you wont. Chances are, it won't happen. Never happened in my case. He left me as soon as he could find someone he wanted more than he wanted me. Took him 18 months, but he still eventually found her. Be very careful. Please. Guard your heart. This has been one of the hardest relationships to get over for me, and I'd hate to see anyone getting into the same cycle I was in.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 If he really loves you and cares as much about you as you do about him, he would be showing it, not letting 3 days go by without contact. You wouldn't be on here confused if he really loved you. A guy who loves you lets you know it. He will pursue the relationship with you, not all this craziness back and forth. Sorry, he's using you for convenient sex as it stands now. Cut it off with him and if he makes the grand gesture and gives you a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship then you know he loves you. And I am talking flowers, dinner, the whole nine yards. Also, if he does this, wait for a few weeks to sleep with him, his gesture to get you to be his girlfriend needs to be genuine so he should be willing to wait.
Recommended Posts