Watch my life unfold

[MIKE2579]

Hello Everyone that is reading this post, I searched google for "how to get over an ex" and I found this site. This site will obviously be my best site for many days to come. Now lets get to the story. Started in Georgia.

 

Once upon a time in 2004, I met this woman (34 Married (15 years) + 2kids, husband also worked at same company) in training at work. I was (26 + 0 kids). She was the most beautiful woman I think I had ever laid my eyes on at the time. This is a rollercoaster ride so hang on.

 

There was a lot of flirting going on in training to the point where we start emailing each other at work. The emails got too steamy for work email that we start emailing from our home emails so we could say "dirtier" things to each other. So it came down to a point we were tired of flirting so she offered to take it to the next level. Of course blinded by her beauty, which is no excuse, I followed through with it. Both agreed it would be a one time thing. Boy were we wrong. (she stated that there was no passion in her life and her husband didn't do anyting but work, I fell for it, and was extremely week)

 

After about the third month of having a full blown affair with her, she got pregnant in March of 2005. She thought that she ruined my life and offered to move away with her husband and let him raise the child as his own. Knowing this was for the best, I told her that if the child was indeed mine, then I wanted to be in the babies life. Needless to say she had a miscarriage in May, which brought me and her closer. She came to me for comfort, knowing it was my child.

 

Here come the "I love you's" Husband still doesn't know anything.

 

Well it got to a point where I was trying to leave her alone due to the fact I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I was attached by her charm, and I couldn't say no to her. I wanted her, but she wasn't willing to leave her husband. "Why leave my husband when I can have the best of both worlds" I think she knew I couldn't give her the financial life the husband gave her, and also there were two kids there.

 

Around June or 2005 I decided I couldn't go on with this anymore. Of course she came to me crying that she was going to leave him and we could be together, once again I stayed attach to watch it unfld thinking that I was going to be with her, and I loved her very much at this point.

 

They talked divorce and he was up for it, due to the fact he wasn't happy either. At least at the moment he didn't want it.

 

During a cruise trip they had, she decided to tell the husband that she was leaving him and that she was in love with another man. This changed everything. He all of a sudden wanted to work things out, so then it became a battle between me and him. Of course he had more to lose and of course I had nothing to gain but stress, and baggage. Sigh

 

She never really advised me on where she stood with the attempt of her and her husband, until around October he emailed me himself tell me that they were back together and of course throwing in my face that they were also having sex again. I don't blame him, this was his wife.

 

After I found that out, of course I thought they were divorcing, so she was never completely honest with me about them two. She became pregnant again. *****If you are still with me, the story gets better*****

 

She stated that there was no way this child was mine, and due to the hurt that this has caused me and her husband wanting to get her as far away from me as he could, he took a job in Texas around January or so.

 

Of course I took her word for it that the baby wasn't mine and was on my way to walking away from the Drama. Images of the Ultrasound floated around all the way to me around the end of January, and it showed the projected birth date and the estimated conceived date. Being me and who I am, I pulled out the calendar and estimated the days we were together.

 

There were some signifigant events that went on around the conceived dates and saved emails that confirmed timelines. The baby had about a 40% chance of being mine. That was good enough for me. I wanted to know. He still at this point had no clue that the baby could have been mine. Of course more lies to save her marriage at this point.

 

Around March he moved to Texas and she stayed back here with the house because the house had to sell before they moved to Texas and her kids needed to finish school. Of course while he was gone, she contacted me and we still continued the affair, not knowing whos baby it was. The good old fashioned, "What if its his baby, what if its your baby what are going to do talks"

 

Well around May the house sold and she was ready to move, about 7 months pregnant at the time. Put in her two weeks notice at work, and around the middle of July she moved. June 8th her third child was born.

 

After about 3 weeks, she sent me pictures asking me if I wanted to go through with paternity, telling me that she would come back if the baby was mine and all this BS. I told her that I couldn't go on not knowing.

 

I ordered an online paternity test and I mailed her, her portion and I completed mine. Results came like a week later and there was a 0 percent chance the baby was mine. At that point, I told her to "NC" ever again and good luck with her marriage.

 

3 more weeks go by and I get an email out of the blue with the Babies pictures in it. When I opened up the picture, to my surprise, it was like I was looking in a mirror. Of course my first instincts is to think she didn't do her protion of the test accurately, or there was a mistake at the place. At any rate, I hopped back on the ride. She was still in Texas at the time, and she wanted to bring the baby here to Georgia so I could see the baby in person.

 

Well of course I told her if she was going to come back here, we need to get the baby legally tested. We ordered all the documents online and she came to Georgia while the baby was 6 weeks old. I was able to play father for 1 week and be with her the way I always wanted to be. Of course the husband had no clue why she really came back to Ga. How could he not, but not the point.

 

We had the DNA test done at a DNA testing center (Legally.) She was leaving to drive back to Texas and about pm that evening is when my world changed. I called on three way to get the results.

 

The baby was 99.999999% mine. My world stopped, because now she is in Texas and of course holding the baby while she was there made me want the baby back even more knowing for fact that the baby was mine.

Her tune changed at that point. She wasn't sure how to tell her husband, but she stated that she would handle it the way she felt was best. Of course leaving me hanging not knowing what is going on. This was on a wednesday. On Thursday she still hadn't told him and then comes Friday.

 

She boke the news to him, when she did, the unexpected happened. He blamed himself completely and stated that he was going to raise this baby as if it was his own, and of course she called me and told me the things he was saying, but told me she wasn't sure what she should do. There were a lot of peoples lives on the line here. Of course I went to my family to tell them what was going on and what was the best thing.

 

Well I heard a great quote one day "Blood doesn't make a father, when a man wants what is best for his child, that makes you a father"

 

I thought long and hard about this for about 2 to 3 weeks with full discussions with counselors, lawyers, and freinds. I chose to walk away. For the sake of everyone involved, I wanted what was best for everyone and that would be me stay out of the way. This hurt her so bad that she didn't contact me anymore. She said her hurtful words about me being a sorry father and things then never contacted me again.

 

March 2007. The baby was about 8 months old at this time. I received a call at work wanting to talk. It was her. After 8 months of smoke clearing, I was happy to hear from her, cause at this point it made me curious what was going on. Her husband decided he couldn't raise this child as his, that since she comitted adultery, she ended the marriage, and that the baby was going to be fully her responsibility.

 

She called me asking if I wanted to be in My daughters life. Of course being the big man that I am, I said yes. After planning the divorce and all of what was to come, she decided to move back to Georgia so I could be with my daughter for her first birthday.

 

Well she moved back here and it was like she never left, we were intimate immediately, but now there was a problem. She didn't want to be with me, she missed her husband. She wanted to party, visitation fights. I was getting full blame for what had occured in her life, and I was the center of her anger.

 

She brought my daughter back by wanted to have nothing serious with me. Just benefits, which was fine, but I was already attached, because I don't feel I was ever detached. Well I finally accepted that she didn't want to have any thing to do with me, so I told her I would leave her alone. But she didn't want me to. She decided after playing with my emotions for 4 to 5 months that she was ready to be serious with the relationship and give me her all.

 

Main problems - I didn't believe a word she said to me. I questoned everything she did. I checked behind all of her stories to attempt to catch her lying. I didn't have any trust in her. None ZERO.

We had nothing in common, except the baby and sex.

 

Legally there was nothing I could do about the custody issue until they had been here 6 months and established residency. Boy you talking about holding things over my head! You can bet as soon as it was over, I was filing a joint petition. At the time this was filed we were actually doing really well. But she constantly wanted her space, and I always thought it was because she had alterior motives.

 

Well we are now in March of 2008 and we have decided to call it quits. More so her than me. I always felt she didn't do enough and she always felt she did all she could. Truth is I didn't make her happy, and I gave up things to try to make her happy. She tried to completely change me. I didn't want to change, I just wanted to be accepted.

 

Well what I am going through now, is the pain of the break up. I know we don't belong together, and she has started dating someone new. This killed me. Before children I could just turn and walk away with "NC" but with child that isn't so easy.

 

No matter how much I know this needed to happen, I have to see her all the time to get my daughter and drop my daughter off. We have a lot of mutual friends, and they see her with this guy and people tell me what they see and it destroys me. I am afraid of running into her out in public knowing how jealous I am about this. I need advice on what to do and how I can get past this. I love her with all my heart, but I know it won't work, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. THe though of another man touching her destroys me inside.

 

Any advice, if you need any more info, just ask. Please no criticism for my decision of messing with a married woman, i have reaped what I sowed 10 times fold with the heartache that I have undergone.

 

I just want some of this beautiful advice that you people give. I think I have found a home on this website

[MIKE2579]

Is there a certain post count requirement to get advice? I am really stressing here. I let this woman stress and depress me so bad and I don't know what to do.

[saddad1]

I suspect that nobody has posted a reply yet because you probably aren't going to like what has to be said.

 

This woman used you. It's as simple as that. She just wanted to do whatever made her feel good/happy/powerful at the time. From what you have described there where so many alarm bells should have been ringing and you should have run a mile.

 

e.g. Q "Why can't I have the best of both worlds?????"

A "Because other people aren't your play-things. Goodbye"

 

If you just wanted to have sex with her because she is attractive you should have kept it at that instead of getting emotionally involved. If you are incapable of this (I know I couldnt do it but Im sure theres plenty of men out there who have no problem with it) then you should have stayed away from her completely.

 

From the overall tone of what you have written it sounds like you realise that you made a major mistake in getting involved with this woman. Quite why you continued the affair with her while she was preparing to move to another state to be with her husband is absolutely beyond me. I cringed when I read it tbh.

 

Please realise that your "love" affair with this woman never was true love. I think you know that deep down anyway. You know that she was/is no good for you. In this respect I fail to understand exactly what you are pining about?

 

Granted, I feel for you that you have had a child to this woman. Having a child with someone that you are not and never were in a proper relationship with must be a horrible situation. Having made the decision to resind fatherhood initally you should never have took her back when those 8 months had past. She used you again unfortuately.

 

You sound like a caring chap, probably too caring. Toughen up a bit in relationships and be careful who you get involved with emotionally. I sincerely hope that you can learn from your mistakes with this woman and go on to find someone that is going to love you. Hint: it helps if they are available for love i.e. not married or in a relationship

[Prosecco]

If the child's 99.9% certain to be yours, it might still be worth asking for a paternity test. You want to know for certain 100%.

 

I'll have another read through tomorrow - need sleep now - but honestly, I've never been in anything like your shoes, so wont be able to say anything beyond common sense guess work.

[xpaperxcutx]

For what it was worth, the end result was something beautiful, your baby daughter. You chose to be the responsible man and get joint custody. No matter how much effort and emotional attachment you had felt for the other woman in all of this, your primary focus now is your daughter and yourself. Life has its lessons, harsh though it may be, but you learned from it, and that's what counts. Learn to move on. Any more feelings for this woman are emotions wasted. Somewhat like crying over spilled milk. Why waste your time crying when you can just pour yourself another glass.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

It's not fair to you for us to sit here and look over your story and decide where you went wrong, therefore making statements such as "you should have.... you could have... etc". I'm not going to do that. You already know where you went wrong and as you said, you paid for it ten fold.

 

NO ONE, absolutely no one can go inside your heart and tell for sure if you were in fact in love with her or just obsessed with her.

 

No need to bring up the past anymore. You must now look for a plan to move forward as if everything else that has happened to you in the past has been clearly marked behind a stepping stone. I'm not asking you to forget it because this experience will make you a better person and will help you in the future to make better choices. But you must see it as something that is done, finished, over.

 

How do you achieve this? Honestly, every situation is different. I would advice you to ignore any ill-advice coming from people who first of all tear your sense of judgement appart. I wouldn't listen to anyone who gets on their throne and bark opinions about the things you should have done better and what you should have known.. bla bla bla.

 

I've been in your situation before. Not as tangled as yours, but everyone's different. I know that during the times we go for that married (in my case, he was emotionally unavailable) person, we don't necessarily think things through. Now is too late to try to analyze what went wrong. It's time for you to analyze what you will do right for YOUR sake and your daughter's sake. Do not take this woman into consideration. She obviously didn't take you as the great man that you are, for she played with your feelings all she wanted. But that's a risk you must take when you're dealing with someone not completely free. She had the best of both worlds and took complete advantage of it. Who wouldn't? You can't blame her. We all take advantage of the things we KNOW we can. Is it right? No, but she doesn't seem very concerned about being a person with any kinds of morals. All you can do is move on.

 

Now, that's easier said than done, I know.

 

Continue to visit a counselor. Do get all the advice you can get from your lawyer and make sure you have supportive friends around you that are willing to hold your arm when you feel at your weakest points.

 

You may never get over this woman. You may just have to learn to live without her. I know I haven't gotten over mine.... I just live without him and the pain is less and less every day. Nevertheless, I'm still hurting. That, I don't think will go away. (just being honest)

 

I won't wish you good luck because it's not a matter of luck. Instead, I wish you strength. Keep us posted.

[MIKE2579]

Saddad1, you are so right in what you said. I felt so used to a point where I wanted her to appreciate me the right way, I guess making me try even harder to make her love me the way she should.

 

There isn't really no denying this child. She is clearly an identical version of me. No doubt there.

 

I guess what I am hurting about, maybe it is the feeling of defeat or loss.

I guess the passion is what I missed most, which makes me ponder on the thought that this was only about sex. I may have confused the feelings of love with lust. Thinking about another man touching her makes me loss my appetite everytime.

 

Not to mention, that I do more self torture than anything. I can't stop asking her questions, using the leg of my daughter as a worry aka need to know basis. Due to another man being around my daughter. Crutch I know.

 

I guess I should just be thankful I have my daughter in my life, and let everything else go. I wish I could turn it off like a switch. Some minutes I feel this is a refreshing chance for me, and the next moment I can't keep from tearing up about it.

 

I know you say Man up, but jeez, this crap is painful.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

If the child's 99.9% certain to be yours, it might still be worth asking for a paternity test. You want to know for certain 100%.

 

He did get a paternity test. You were probaby too tired and missed it.

 

No paternity test will ever say 100%. They all say 99.9%.

[saddad1]

Your still young man, you got involved with this succubus when you were only 26. Perhaps the thrill of having such an attractive older woman alongwith the excitement of doing something "taboo" make the sex really great; thats why when she came back to live with you it all crumbled because there was no basis ever for a proper relationship between you.

 

Mybe you did love her on some levels but what I meant was that there seems never to have been a proper loving relationship. I think you could be right about the feelings of defeat. Also, you will be feeling a lot of jealously because she was so hot and you had her within your grasp nearly all to yourself but now shes off with another man. But seriously - you need to ask yourself was she really yours anyway? I think you know the answer.

 

I feel for you - its so much harder to let go when your ex is "out of your league". Not to say that she is but Im talking from my own experience.

It magnifies the feelings of "she was so great for me", "ill never get another woman like that", and the feelings of low-self worth.

 

Please try to forget about her and realise that you are far better off without her. There are plenty more women out there that will be able to give you what you need.