trulysomething Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I've been doing the contact thing with my ex. Which I KNOW is totally frowned upon. I'm trying to be friends with him, but like so many of us here, I do want to get our relationship back...or at least I think I do. He ended things because he was undecided about what he was doing in his life and things with us were really tough and we fought a lot (mainly about his ex that never quite went away..and is STILL calling him like 3times a day!!! (she lives in Malaysia and us in the UK (although I may be headed back to Canada in the next few months)) He calls me pretty regularly and we still go out. He came in to see me this past weekend and it was great. Kinda like a date. He even mentioned that it felt that way and it did. There was minimal physical contact, but lots of laughs and jokes. Kinda like the way things were in the early stages of our dating. He got all huggy and didn't want to pull away..which was fine, but a little awkward I thought. He looked at me like he wanted to kiss me. I gave in. It was nice, but SO not passionate at all. Like there was no effort on his part. He asked me if he could stay the night. Now,there was no way we'd be having sex..and I KNOW I should have sent him home..or let him sleep on the couch, but I let him stay. We had a very tender and sweet night (better than we have in AGES!) Had a great following day, no fighting, nothing. It was great. I guess what I am trying to do is to determine a way that I can win him back. (aren't we all??) I know it's because I'm here for a short time and I miss that connection and I do care about him, but he is not capable of holding a relationship..not to mention he has a completely screwed up idea of relationships, committment and marriage. I would say he is a commitment phobe for sure. So do I stick things out (dating him/friends while making efforts to date others and whatnot) and hopefully he'll wake up? He never meets people, doesn't date, pretty much lives like a hermit and is very shy. He's only ever dated me and his ex. I don't really know how to be his friend,but I don't want to lose him as a friend either. When we don't talk, I'm completely miserable. When we do,sometimes it helps reinforce that he's not mentally capable of being in a proper relationship. And really,why do I feel like I want that?*L*
sup3rn0va Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I got dumped 28 days ago, I've been torturing myself by talking to the ex and meeting her. What I realise is that it does me no good. She wants us to remain friends, but its absolutely too soon for me. I'm not over her yet and I can't act like a friend, at least not now. All this talking to her and meeting her does me no good really, all it does is bring me pain, she's hot and cold, so that doesn't help either. If you're not over him and harbor thoughts of getting back together, maybe its too soon for you to be friends? I know its kinda hard to not contact him cos I feel the same exact way. I figure its probably cause they've been such a huge part of our lives and now we suddenly find ourselves single? The transition period is the hardest, but we were doing fine before they came along right? I think we need to focus on ourselves more for now. Its about us now, not about them. After we become stronger maybe we could be a friend to them?
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Rocking the same boat, you guys. It's going to be almost 2 years since he broke up with me and I have never met anyone who has tried so hard to stay friends with an ex. My reasons for staying friends with him, if I decided to, is based on my hope that we'll be together again someday. But then I realized that that's not a way I want to live my life. He wanted me gone from his side for a reason, so... I'm going to stay gone. One LS member has this as their signature: Don't make someone your priority when you are only their option. I don't know if that's the exact same words, but it's true. I will always doubt his intention of wanting to stay friends because I refuse for the "friendship" to be mainly propelled by "I feel guilty for hurting you, so the best thing I can do to make myself feel better and to build you up is to stay friends with you." I don't trust him. 'S far as I'm concerned, friends are people that you have a level of trust in. He doesn't have that anymore, no matter how close of friends we used to be before dating (yeah, I'm a member of the classic "when best friends become more"). NC's hard because no matter what, I will carry this love for him always and that will make me want to know how he's doing from time to time, but I have to love myself first. Good luck, you guys.
Cannondale Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I'm friends with one of my ex'es. I talk to her on an almost daily bases and sometimes hang out with her. I just realized that shes a great friend, but not good for anything else for me. I think you can be friends with your ex'es in certain situations, but I think it is rare.
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 OP, you don't want him as a friend. You want a relationship. You are using friendship as a means to keep in touch. Avoid this situation like the plague, because it slows down the process of healing. Wait until you're completely indifferent, including possible setbacks, then you can be friends, if you even feel like it, as at that time. Myself, I find it irritating, when an ex wants to befriend me, when they want more.
LuCidiTy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 as far as friends with exes goes...i figure that if it happens it happens naturally, by mistake, what have you. forcing it rarely works. anything that causes you too much pain, you naturally stay away from, whether at first or forever.
dfreeman Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Don't know why, but the idea of being friends with my ex ran around in my head a lot over the last few days. I know she is bad for me, so I am skeptical, and I fear that any desire I had to stay close with her in the past was just some hidden hope for reconciliation buried somewhere in my brain? I went out and did some of the main activity we had in common last night and really missed her. It got me to thinking that if we could hurry-up and just reduce what we had to a friendship, we could hang out together and I wouldn't have to miss her like that? But that was just the loneliness creeping back in - if I had my choice, I would be out with someone that loves me instead. I just hope that my hard work at NC pays off and I quit having these kind of setbacks. It is hard to make weeks of good progress and then fall back into missing someone you really don't want to be with (or, want to be with but in a way that you know she wouldn't change to be for you). I swear to god, I have never felt so mental in my life ~ how can you be missing someone that you knew you needed to break-up with for the last 5 months of your 5-year relationship? And then, knowing all the reasons why she is so bad for you, have this sick feeling that you would go against everything you believe in your head only to provide her with a side of you that she ABSOLUTELY does NOT deserve (not to mention, I would get a front-row seat to witness her getting a new boyfriend sooner or later). Somebody just come over to my house and hit me in the head with a shovel when I have these stupid flashes please!
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