LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 It's been 11 days of no contact for me since a relationship I finally believed in changed abruptly...maybe forever. Since coming here to LS and reading through the topics and then asking and having NC as a process explained to me, I see that this is something I fell into quite naturally. I also see that it works well for some and not so well for others, is easy for some and not so easy for others. This got me thinking about why it was a natural instinct for me, why it's been so easy for me, and what all of that might mean. I came to a couple of realizations that I'd like some analysis of and thoughts on, if you wouldn't mind... 1. I realized that I had never contacted him first during our entire 8 months together...never IM'd first, never texted first, never emailed first, never called him at all other to return a call I saw I had missed (and only if it was within a few minutes). Now I'm not quite sure sure why this was. Maybe there was no need for me to because he was always there...online when I logged in; calling at least three times a day, every day; texting in between. In fact, it was this behavior of his that went a very long way to breaking down the sky-high walls I had built up around myself over the years and allowing myself to trust him as I haven't trusted anyone for a very long time. I think I didn't contact him because I was trying to respect his schedule and his space. If there was more to it, some deeper meaning, I'm not aware of it. 2. During our last call, he asked me five or six times to call whenever I wanted to or needed to. He even got a little angry (frustrated?) when I said I wouldn't be doing so and told me he wanted me to and that I could anytime. Now, in all these months, he has never asked me to call before or asked why I didn't call or even that he noticed that I never did. Looking back on that final conversation, it now seems to me as if it may have been some sort of issue that I maybe failed to recognize? Hope this doesn't seem too trivial or too unclear...but it's one of those things I can't seem to come to resolution on in my mind. Any ideas?
Elena62 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 It's been 11 days of no contact for me since a relationship I finally believed in changed abruptly...maybe forever. Since coming here to LS and reading through the topics and then asking and having NC as a process explained to me, I see that this is something I fell into quite naturally. I also see that it works well for some and not so well for others, is easy for some and not so easy for others. This got me thinking about why it was a natural instinct for me, why it's been so easy for me, and what all of that might mean. I came to a couple of realizations that I'd like some analysis of and thoughts on, if you wouldn't mind... 1. I realized that I had never contacted him first during our entire 8 months together...never IM'd first, never texted first, never emailed first, never called him at all other to return a call I saw I had missed (and only if it was within a few minutes). Now I'm not quite sure sure why this was. Maybe there was no need for me to because he was always there...online when I logged in; calling at least three times a day, every day; texting in between. In fact, it was this behavior of his that went a very long way to breaking down the sky-high walls I had built up around myself over the years and allowing myself to trust him as I haven't trusted anyone for a very long time. I think I didn't contact him because I was trying to respect his schedule and his space. If there was more to it, some deeper meaning, I'm not aware of it. 2. During our last call, he asked me five or six times to call whenever I wanted to or needed to. He even got a little angry (frustrated?) when I said I wouldn't be doing so and told me he wanted me to and that I could anytime. Now, in all these months, he has never asked me to call before or asked why I didn't call or even that he noticed that I never did. Looking back on that final conversation, it now seems to me as if it may have been some sort of issue that I maybe failed to recognize? Hope this doesn't seem too trivial or too unclear...but it's one of those things I can't seem to come to resolution on in my mind. Any ideas? 1) You probably didn't need to contact him first because he was there before you and you knew he would be in touch no matter what? In other words, he was into you! You needed no further proof of anything, it was a natural flow to your communication. (Mine was like that too when he was into me! After a while that faded because of other issues.) 2) I got that in the final call, too! "The doors of communication are open" "Call me" "Ask me what ever you want to ask me." It's THEM that need the final reassurance that you'll be in touch! It's the final way of them holding on to some hope that you won't reject them, because the rejection will be too much for their heart or their ego. Ironic?
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 rejected by the rejected...sounds like a bad movie title ... sigh how very surreal this all is.
Crestfallen_KH Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 According to a reponse you made on another post, he hit you. It's probably your instincts and inner voice that is telling you this isn't a relationship you should ever consider again.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 different relationship. sorry. my husband hit me. and you're right...that was a no-brainer. this is the first relationship after my marriage ended then ended again i felt strong enough to commit to.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 okay. don't talk to me. fine. i'm used to this nc stuff already!!!
Elena62 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 okay. don't talk to me. fine. i'm used to this nc stuff already!!! I'll talk you you Only I have to warn you, you may even want to go NC with me!
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I'll talk you you Only I have to warn you, you may even want to go NC with me! never, woman! not in this lifetime!
trulysomething Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I never contacted my ex either when we were going out (on the phone) although I did send the occassional email or txt. He always replied right away. Ironically it was something that came up in our relationship at the end. He said.."I always call you! You never call me." I had no clue this bothered him, but yet I knew the ex called him CONSTANTLY. Maybe he really liked that afterall because I know she is still calling!!!! When we broke up he also said I could call him anytime and that he would come for me, wherever I was if I needed him. *rolls my eyes* He's a bit dramatic that way. At the moment, we are friends/dating/confused as all get-out. He is not ideally relationship material at the moment and I kind of realize that. Part of me really wants him to come around though and get his life together. Don't get me wrong, I'm not waiting for him...but part of me kind of is I suppose because I keep thinking that things will be different and he'll realize what he's missing with me. He's 32. Maybe there's no hope for him. He's 32, but he acts more like he's 20. *sigh* Anyway, for me, the no contact thing is not natural (Although I've done it in past relationships for some weird reason)..but I can see how it works. I was just more horribly miserable not talking to him than when I was.
backspn Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Coming from a guy's perspective, some guys like when the girl calls. It shows them they are thinking of them. Even though we are rough on the outside most of the time, we do like to be reminded that you miss us or are thinking of us. During the first month this is usually common but as you get more comfortable in a relationship, they get less frequent. We back off, get frustrated or even worse, break it off. Even though we are different genders, we all want the same thing. Reminded.
trulysomething Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Okay....fair enough. But what about when they've broken up with you, aren't sure what they want (are confused) and yet still want to be friends. They contact you on a pretty regular basis (although not as much as before). Then what? I figured I was giving him his space by not calling or bothering him..I mean, he broke up with me! Sorry LuCidity...did not mean to hijack at all!
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 not a problem. this is good conversation. coincidentally, mine contacted me this afternoon via IM at work. we had a pleasant chat but nothing really earthshattering. nothing's changed. as expected. he starts by saying...ummm no texts? no calls? no IMs? then started asking me about one of the 100 things i said to him on the last call almost two weeks ago. go figure.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Okay....fair enough. But what about when they've broken up with you, aren't sure what they want (are confused) and yet still want to be friends. They contact you on a pretty regular basis (although not as much as before). Then what? I figured I was giving him his space by not calling or bothering him..I mean, he broke up with me! seems like what be happening to me...he's still tryng to work through all the stuff in his life. considering going back to his way ex for the child. but hadn't moved in yet as i feared he might right away. he'll get through it. well...back to no contacting him for me. argh.
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 ugh. okay. i'm pondering the contact. why the hell was the first thing he said...lets see...no texts from you...no calls...
Shindig Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I'm all over a real bang-up job on that one... *sigh*
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I'm all over a real bang-up job on that one... *sigh* what do you mean?
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 P.S. Don't do it... be strong. i know, right? i was so not worrying about it for hours and then BANG it snuck up on me. but i'll be damned if i analyze every line of the conversation
trulysomething Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 then started asking me about one of the 100 things i said to him on the last call almost two weeks ago. go figure. My ex did the same thing. We chatted briefly and friendly online and as I was making my exit, he jumped in and said..."You said you would make me dinner." I was a bit taken aback because I had sent this in an email a while ago. I said..Uhhhh..yeah, sure. Well, let me know when it's a good time for you. He said...this weekend is great. I said, that's fine. Sat or Sunday? He replied, "yeah". Why would he even care about following up on things we said we'd do? He seems to be keeping me at arm's length for whatever reason. It's frustrating. For the contact thing,don't worry about it. Sometimes talking to him reinforces that maybe we really were not right for each other afterall.*LOL*
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Damn...what the hell is up with that? Remembering old stuff like this? Guess they do a little thinking about things too, eh? Funny I don't picture that but I guess he did. Yeah...I was a little taken aback at how very casual, numb, and detached I felt during the chat...like an observer more than a participant. Probably just the self-protective mode kicking in. As I said, back to NC for me.
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