jjmv99 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I am a 36 yr old woman,got involved with a married man in 2000 had a child (6yr)with him,he is his only child. What we had was the most beautiful relationship that we ever had, it wasn't easy I had to close my eyes to many things because I loved him, but I can't take it anymore,he doesn't want to leave his wife of 10yrs and do not want to live like this anymore, I want to stay with him for my son ,he has a bond with his father and want him to be with us, but things has changed lately between us and I don't know if to stay with him for my son or to break up with him. Is there anybody who had a similar situation,what was the outcome?
Author jjmv99 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 his wife doesn't now about us I am a 36 yr old woman,got involved with a married man in 2000 had a child (6yr)with him,he is his only child. What we had was the most beautiful relationship that we ever had, it wasn't easy I had to close my eyes to many things because I loved him, but I can't take it anymore,he doesn't want to leave his wife of 10yrs and do not want to live like this anymore, I want to stay with him for my son ,he has a bond with his father and want him to be with us, but things has changed lately between us and I don't know if to stay with him for my son or to break up with him. Is there anybody who had a similar situation,what was the outcome?
Gwyneth Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 OH wow...I'd be interested in hearing more about your situation and the R your son has with his father--the MM. I am currently entering into this situation myself. I'm surprised he hasn't told his W after six years of having a child with another woman!!! how do you put up with that? I think at that point, I would tell the W myself...
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) That is unfortunate that you are allowing this man to have an affair with you, and even worse that you are allowing him to have an affair with his own child. You say you want to stay with him for your child? Why? What does he possibly have to offer if he won't even legitimize or publicly acknowledge his own son? Will your son be covered in his will? Does your son get health benefits or support from him? Will your son have help from him for school and college expenses? Will your son have his father there for milestones like birthdays, school assemblies, or graduations or being in his own wedding when he is older? What about when your son is an adult and has his own children? Will grandpa have to sneak away to see his own grandchildren? Edited March 17, 2008 by LucreziaBorgia
Author jjmv99 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I want my son to be with his father even like this, he needs him emotionally, and I want him to be there for him.
Owl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Does your son know the story behind you and MM? I don't get why your son "needs him in his life"...he may need a man in his life as a role-model/etc...but why does it HAVE TO be MM? Why can't it be someone who he can REALLY have as a father...in all respects? Someone who can also be your husband at the same time? Personally, I don't see how this situation as it is creates a healthy environment for any of you. I've not been in your situation at all, so can't offer advice on how things have 'turned out' for anyone else. I could only suggest options for you to proceed from where you're at now.
MimiMe Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 That is unfortunate that you are allowing this man to have an affair with you, and even worse that you are allowing him to have an affair with his own child. You say you want to stay with him for your child? Why? What does he possibly have to offer if he won't even legitimize or publicly acknowledge his own son? Will your son be covered in his will? Does your son get health benefits or support from him? Will your son have help from him for school and college expenses? Will your son have his father there for milestones like birthdays, school assemblies, or graduations or being in his own wedding when he is older? What about when your son is an adult and has his own children? Will grandpa have to sneak away to see his own grandchildren? Whoa Lucrezia... you are so on the money! The affair with his own child comment just send my brain skating. KRAYZEE!! I feel your pain in the mother aspect. The things that a parent could do to save their children pain... but we dont always do just that. Foul that the kid already has a bond with his father, so that will be hard for you to take that away but it doesn't mean that you cant fix the issue. Another thing, be very careful being honest with your son. Timing could be everything... you may wait till the day that he is a full blown adult to tell him the nitty gritty and he may resent you (and his father) in many ways. How could a person hide his own child???? A W/H you can divorce and a OW/OM you can kick to the curve- but a CHILD!? NO mercy!
stillafool Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I think you know it is past time for you to move on from this guy. For you and your son's sake. He will never, never leave his wife. They rarely do. You son does not need someone who bounces in and out of his life and keeps him hidden. You need to not waste anymore of your time and youth on this man and find someone who belongs to you only.
Lookingforward Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I want to stay with him for my son ,he has a bond with his father and want him to be with us, but things has changed lately between us and I don't know if to stay with him for my son or to break up with him. Is there anybody who had a similar situation,what was the outcome? What do you mean "stay with" him ? You're NOT with him, his W is...you and your son are just "on the side" Sorry to be blunt but that's what it IS
Gwyneth Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 At this point, I don't think it's a good idea to let go of this guy. He has already built a R with the six year old son, and that bond cannot be broken now. At least not without torturing the child. It's not the child's fault his parents chose to have an affair and he was born. The father is apparently irresponsible in that he hasn't had the balls or decency in six years to tell his wife. Wow, what a shame. I hope my MM doesn't pull this. Really.
Owl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 So what steps are you going to take to prevent that from happening, Gwen?
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I agree with Owl and LB on this... For starters, what "legal" rights does your son have regarding the MM? Does he pay child support? Is he very active in his life? As Owl said, for someone to be a "father figure" does NOT have to be the biological father. What about YOUR parents? Are they involved in his life? Could your father be a father figure to your son? This sounds like a very stressful situation... But it CAN be resolved. Your son is still young and impressionable. In MY experience..I have an adopted sister, who is only 12. I am 36. Her mother was a friend of the family, who basically didn't want her. She was not a good mother, had dead beat boyfriends who did drugs...etc. My mother took her under her wing when she was about 3 months old. Subsequently her REAL mom passed away of Ovarian cancer when she was about 5 or 6. My mom has been the only mom she has ever known...and she knew her REAL mom as a "friend" of the family...and once her mom passed away, my mom was honest with her..but she told her in a way that she could always retain a good memory of her mom. Rather than saying "your mom didn;t want you so I took care of you...she told her that her real mom asked my mom to adopt her, because she knew she was sick and wanted to make sure she was with a family who would love and take care of her. And ..this is weird...so follow me on this..LOL my brother is a "father figure" to her....so she knows him as "dad'. But she STILL understands the dynamics....So everyone wins....
MimiMe Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 What do you mean "stay with" him ? You're NOT with him, his W is...you and your son are just "on the side" Sorry to be blunt but that's what it IS Yeah, I thought the same... but didnt dare to come out my face and say it. When does he come and see his son?? Are you guys like driving distance or each other?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I want my son to be with his father even like this, he needs him emotionally, and I want him to be there for him. Be there for him? In what way? When he can sneak out and its convenient for him? Have you and MM talked about how you are going to explain how he needs to be discreet like Mommy so that Daddy's marriage doesn't get wrecked? Your son is rapidly reaching the age where he will need MM/Dad in ways that you have prevented by agreeing to allow your MM/Dad to have an affair with his own child. Your child will need his father to be there for him in more ways than when he can sneak out of the house and lie his way into a reason to be there for him. What are you and MM/Dad going to say to your son when your son asks him why he can't be like other dads and be with him all the time? What are you and MM/Dad going to say when your son asks "can I call Dad"? What will you and MM/Dad say when your son asks "Can I go to Dad's house"? What will you and MM/Dad say when your son asks "Will you take me and Mommy on a family vacation?" What if G_d forbid your child falls seriously ill or gets injured? Will MM/Dad have to sneak away for hospital visits and to see him while he is healing? Will MM/Dad help with the expenses in that case? I don't think you want what is best for your child. You just don't want your affair to end. Does your MM have his own children with his wife? If so, do you and MM/Dad have a plan to explain why those kids get a real dad who acknowledges them, provides for them, and isn't afraid of anyone knowing they are his kids - while your own kid has to act discreet and be hidden away like a mistress, shortchanged in every way? That little boy will grow up, and he will grow up feeling cheated and angry. How will you answer to that?
MimiMe Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 JJM- Are you open to meeting someone else? Why not move on? There are tons of good men out there that can offer love and a good upbringing to a child. Not that this is an instant choice, but it could be a start... Better to face this issue now, before your son is too old and the damage is unrepairable. Kids are very smart!!
Lookingforward Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I don't think you want what is best for your child. You just don't want your affair to end. Uhuh...that's what I get from it too
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I get this terrible picture in my mind of what would happen if OW and her son were out and saw MM and his W. If his son ran up to him yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" would MM deny he knew who his own son was? As a parent myself I know a child of six is already full of questions. I just can't imagine how those questions are going to be answered, and how this child will be expected to behave in order to keep MM from getting 'busted', and how this child will take that, and moreover how it will affect him in years to come.
Lookingforward Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I get this terrible picture in my mind of what would happen if OW and her son were out and saw MM and his W. If his son ran up to him yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" would MM deny he knew who his own son was? From what we know - I'd say darn tooting he would IF he had the b*lls to pull it off that is, which I seriously doubt
MimiMe Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I get this terrible picture in my mind of what would happen if OW and her son were out and saw MM and his W. If his son ran up to him yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" would MM deny he knew who his own son was? As a parent myself I know a child of six is already full of questions. I just can't imagine how those questions are going to be answered, and how this child will be expected to behave in order to keep MM from getting 'busted', and how this child will take that, and moreover how it will affect him in years to come. My stomach just turned. No cute and Lord protect your son from ever getting hurt like that. I have a 7yr old that is asking 1,000 questions about why Daddy and Mommy are not going to live together anymore, so feel the pain. Kids are smarter than we credit them for!!! and I wish I could save my son from that pain. Oh jeez... Take care of your boy and be fair to him. This breaks my heart.
Never_Again Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I am a 36 yr old woman,got involved with a married man in 2000 had a child (6yr)with him,he is his only child. What we had was the most beautiful relationship that we ever had, it wasn't easy I had to close my eyes to many things because I loved him, but I can't take it anymore,he doesn't want to leave his wife of 10yrs and do not want to live like this anymore, I want to stay with him for my son ,he has a bond with his father and want him to be with us, but things has changed lately between us and I don't know if to stay with him for my son or to break up with him. Is there anybody who had a similar situation,what was the outcome? DO NOT stay with him "for your son." GET AWAY FROM HIM for your son! And, yes, I was/am in a similar situation. But after I found out he was playing me the SECOND time around, I ran as fast as I could (with our child) away from that whole situation. Thank goodness we weren't living by each other, I can't imagine being in that kind of a situation.
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