I can't deal with the uncertainties of dating

[so_sad]

Some of you may know my story: fiancé broke up with me just over 5 months ago. I am still very hurt by what happened but I realize now that I don't ever want to be with him again (after what he did) and I am trying to move on.

 

I signed up for an online dating site because I work a lot and there's no way I'm going to meet anyone in my regular life. So I've gone out with two guys. One of them was nice, but I really didn't feel a spark. The second guy and I hit it off right away. We had great conversation, plenty in common, he's very nice to me and compliments me, etc... We've gone out 4 times (very casual things). Nothing physical has happened, but my gut and my intellect tell me that he's interested (all the signs are there). If I look at things objectively my brain tells me to calm down and just wait and see what happens.

 

The problem lies in the fact that I can log onto the dating site and see when he's online, if he's received new messsages, and so forth. So, because I like to drive myself insane, I routinely check, and find that he's been on. It's driving me crazy. I feel like he likes me, but he still wants to see what else is out there.

 

Anyway, my point is that I'm starting to think I'm not equipped for this (dating). My last relationship left me so destroyed that I think I'm averse to any kind of uncertainty or rejection now. I realize logically that this guy doesn't owe me anything, and has been nothing but decent to me, but I feel tempted to just call it all off because I can't deal with wondering if he's really interested in me, or if he's seeing other people, etc...I feel like I'm in high school again and it's very disconcerting.

 

I guess my question is: how do you navigate this time when you're not dating someone exclusively? How can you possibly feel secure when you know that the person you're out with on Friday might be out with someone else on Saturday? I hate it!

[carhill]

Easy, focus on fun and forget the sex/emotional stuff. Firstly, be comfortable with yourself. Let go of the pain from the past; don't let it rule you.

 

It's normal for people to socialize with more than one person. In fact, I've always thought it a gift to have one person choose me to be with exclusively. I never expected it back when I was dating. The ladies were sizing me up against the other male suitors. That's what you should be doing

 

You can't change the process; you can only change your mindset about it. If a guy you're dating is into you, he'll be around.....

[Little Shy]

Carhill is a very positive guy. Always great positive advice!

Anyhow, a lot of women I know can't stand online dating because of the facts you just mentioned. Just being able to log on & see who they are talking too, if they have been active, etc. It drives some women nuts! I don't remember how I handled it, except that I did decide it was not for me.

I think I was just never really that attracted to anyone I happened to meet on line. In the real world (not online) I presume that a guy I am casually dating might be dating other women, but it's priceless that I don't have to know about it! Therefore, I don't have to think about it. I can just think about myself, or the other men I am dating as well.

Maybe on line dating isn't for you, if you can't control the curiosity bug or always "checking in" on who you are dating, and what they are up to. There are many people who find it difficult to control that urge, and are hurt by what they discover, whether it is justified or not.

Good luck darlin' it's a jungle out here!

[carhill]

Back in the day, when my wife and I met online, there was no way to track who was doing what. This forum was like rocket science back then. I know she was dating other guys because she told me she was .

 

My process might have been different because I didn't have sexual relations with a woman for a long time (usually 3-4 months of steady dating) and by that point it was an exclusive arrangement. So, for folks becoming sexual more rapidly, I guess I could see the issues. Back then, HIV was a spectre to deal with. I carried my current test results in the car

[Legend]

Sounds like you have some hardcore anxiety, try going to a psychologist or something. Xanax works wonders....

[so_sad]

Carhill is a very positive guy. Always great positive advice!

Anyhow, a lot of women I know can't stand online dating because of the facts you just mentioned. Just being able to log on & see who they are talking too, if they have been active, etc. It drives some women nuts! I don't remember how I handled it, except that I did decide it was not for me.

I think I was just never really that attracted to anyone I happened to meet on line. In the real world (not online) I presume that a guy I am casually dating might be dating other women, but it's priceless that I don't have to know about it! Therefore, I don't have to think about it. I can just think about myself, or the other men I am dating as well.

Maybe on line dating isn't for you, if you can't control the curiosity bug or always "checking in" on who you are dating, and what they are up to. There are many people who find it difficult to control that urge, and are hurt by what they discover, whether it is justified or not.

Good luck darlin' it's a jungle out here!

 

 

Thanks - I definitely need the good luck because I'm starting to lose my mind. I've gone on a few dates with this one guy and I'm starting to really like him. Objectively, everything is going well - he is nice to me, he indicates that he's interested, our dates are becoming less and less casual, so it's all good.

 

BUT, I can see that he's logging into the dating site every day. It's truly driving me crazy and I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it is. If I didn't know he was doing this, I'd be quite happy and would assume that things were progressing very well and naturally. But being able to log in and see that he's on - it just totally throws my confidence and makes me want to retreat. It makes me think of StarGazer's thread about "the talk" - in a situation like this, at what point is it okay to ask if he's dating other people? I definitely don't want to sleep with him (haven't yet) if he's seeing anyone else.

[Little Shy]

BUT, I can see that he's logging into the dating site every day. It's truly driving me crazy and I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it is. If I didn't know he was doing this, I'd be quite happy and would assume that things were progressing very well and naturally. But being able to log in and see that he's on - it just totally throws my confidence and makes me want to retreat. It makes me think of StarGazer's thread about "the talk" - in a situation like this, at what point is it okay to ask if he's dating other people? I definitely don't want to sleep with him (haven't yet) if he's seeing anyone else.

 

Hi again so_sad, I think it is good that you maintain that you will not sleep with him until you ascertain if he is dating other women or not. You'll have better control of your heart, and also keep your edge on the whole affair.

I guess what needs to be addressed is your head running away with the matter surrounding his online profile/activity.

Star Gazer's thread is interesting isn't it? My eyes were fried after reading the back & forth on all the postings, but it's tough to figure out when to address "the Talk"!

I think every case is different. I am curious, are you on one of the major online dating sites, Match.com or EHarmony?

The reason I ask, is that although people are free to join on line dating sites for any reason they wish, I feel that the greater majority of people that sign up for the Big sites are looking for something consistent, substantial, and perhaps long term.

What did his profile say? Did he mention that he was looking for a substantial, possibly long term monogamous relationship?

Or did he say he was looking for someone to spend some time with, & to share similar activites with?

Honestly, I feel that a handful of dates is still too early to expect him to give up his membership, and stop checking his options.

I would wait for maybe a handful more. One of my friends about 1 year ago met a guy on Match & they hit it off immediately. She started sleeping with him after a few dates. These two were very much into each other, as I spent quite a bit of time hanging out with the pair of them, they integrated each other into their friend groups, etc.

After about 5-6 weeks, she noticed he was still logging on to his Match account. She started to become obsessed with it, and asked him what the deal was. (She thought this was appropriate, every indication, even in the way he spoke about her, was as if they were boyfriend & girlfriend).

He seemed as if he made some watered down excuse why he was still logging in, & it really upset her. Long & short of it, other problems developed a couple months down the road, & she broke it off with him anyway.

I think a lot can be said from the content of your guys on line profile. If he claims to be looking for committed, long term, monog., relationship, & after several weeks of dating him, and he is still logging on, it's time to talk.

Reason is, he is supposedly looking for that, he has met & spent a good chunk of time with you, & he is STILL looking = he has not found what he wants in you.

The other thing you will always have to try & ascertain right out the gate is the online profiler's honesty.

There is the presumption with the online dating site, that the person who posted the profile is being honest & forthright with what it is they are looking for.

There are always the liars that put the "lure" out there & say they are looking for something meaningful & serious, and really they are trying to just get some play.

[BlueHaiku]

I agree with the above posts, and just wanted to add one thing.

 

If you are logging on and seeing that he is on, he is no doubt seeing that you are on. Couldn't it be possible he's home worrying right now about this girl he really likes but who keeps logging on to the dating site?

 

Maybe he's posting right now at RomanceHovel.com?

[Little Shy]

Just one more point on the difference between online dating & RWD (real world dating.)

I feel that if you meet someone out in the RW, it is fair to expect that they could be anywhere in their lives as far as their needs or interests in being involved in a long term relationship goes.

The point of joining a dating site (once again, for most) is to try & expediate your search for the long term relationship, or whatever it is you are looking for. That's why so many people just FLY through dates there. Next, next, next.

Because they don't want to waste time.

This is why I think it's fair to approach the subject, or "the talk" sooner with online dating. No one is paying for a service to waste their own, or other peoples time.

[so_sad]

This is really helpful. Thanks. I like the idea that he could be seeing that I'm logging in and freaking out about it! I don't think it's the case, but it's nice to think about it.

 

LittleShy, we met on one of the larger, free sites (POF). To be completely fair to him, he said that he was looking for dating (as opposed to a LTR) and that he was wanting to meet interesting people and see if anything developed from there. Pretty low-key stuff, no mention of looking for a major commitment. So, I do actually feel that he was honest in the way he portrayed himself in the profile. (By the way, my profile states that I'm looking for more than dating.) Having said all that, I don't get the impression that he would rule out a serious relationship - but that's just it - I don't really know, do I?

 

So, all in all, logic tells me that yes, it's far too early for "a talk" (my eyes were fried after reading that 6-page thread, too!), but I think it might become inevitable if things progress.

[Little Shy]

Ok, then, there you go. He wants to just see what is out there, and explore some dating opportunities.

When I was pursuing on line dating, one of the first things that I did, was make sure that the men I was going on dates with were looking for the SAME thing as me.

If I was interested in a long term relationship, I would only respond to those that were looking for the same.

If I was interested in casually dating, and a guy responded to me that was interested in serious long term, with future marriage & kids, I would either not respond, or ask him if he had read my profile, that I was unsure about kids, and just trying to keep it casual for the time being.

I guess it's a lot like RWD too? Who wants to waste anyones time?

Of course there is the chance that he may be open to a relationship with you if things continue to go very well. But you should not ignore the fact that he did not set out looking for that, because it is very significant.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[dreamergrl]

If he's not on there specifically looking for a serious relationship, you either need to find someone who is, or bite the bullet and see if anything happens, however, nothing will happen if you push him to wanting the same as you.

[so_sad]

Ok, then, there you go. He wants to just see what is out there, and explore some dating opportunities.

When I was pursuing on line dating, one of the first things that I did, was make sure that the men I was going on dates with were looking for the SAME thing as me.

If I was interested in a long term relationship, I would only respond to those that were looking for the same.

If I was interested in casually dating, and a guy responded to me that was interested in serious long term, with future marriage & kids, I would either not respond, or ask him if he had read my profile, that I was unsure about kids, and just trying to keep it casual for the time being.

I guess it's a lot like RWD too? Who wants to waste anyones time?

Of course there is the chance that he may be open to a relationship with you if things continue to go very well. But you should not ignore the fact that he did not set out looking for that, because it is very significant.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

 

So should I just ask him outright if he's interested in anything more than casual dating?

[so_sad]

What I mean is - not necessarily with me specifically, but in terms of what he wants, period. If he's in no way interested in a relationship, then I'd rather find out now.

[shanny]

If you can relax a little, you will find yourself in a very positive position. I know you like this guy, and that's great, but have you considered playing the field a bit? You just got out of a relationship, and I'm sure that you will find another (hopefully a forever one). Enjoy this time that you are single... As much as being single can suck in some ways, it is the only time that YOU are your absolute top priority. Take care of yourself, explore some new interests and so on. You can have a lot of fun with dating too when it's not so serious. Go out, have fun, and when the right guy comes along, then go for it.

 

As far as this guy still checking out the site, I would say that is normal. Years ago I did the online dating thing, and even though I was dating and smitten with someone off of the site, I still went in and read my messages for fun. It was like an ego boost. Base your decision on what you read from him when you are together, not when he is online. Also, if he's been on the site for a long time, it is a form of companionship and it may be hard to drop cold turkey.

 

Good luck to you! Relax and enjoy!

[Little Shy]

What I mean is - not necessarily with me specifically, but in terms of what he wants, period. If he's in no way interested in a relationship, then I'd rather find out now.

And I do believe you have every right to know what a man you are dating wants out of life & his relationships with women.

I do believe that Shanny offers some good advice also. But it applies if you are in the mindset, that is capable of being that casual!

If you know what you want, and you want to be in a committed relationship, then yes, I do think you could talk to this current guy about what it is he is currently seeking in his relationships with women. Like I said, it seems like he has already dictated this in his profile though!

If you feel like you still want to have a conversation about it though, then I would try and apply it to what he is looking for generally in dating, & not to you specifically.

Who knows though, he may just see right through it & think you are asking him if he could eventually, or sooner rather than later, become your boyfriend. How much of a wordsmith are you, may or may not effect how he perceives that conversation.

It is the risk you take, going that route

[so_sad]

Since I last posted, we had an amazing date (that he planned). Throughout the evening he made references to things we could do in the future (just casual things, but still, acting as though there would definitely be more dates). We kissed, but there was a gentleness to it that did not scream "I want to get in your pants", but rather "I like you". He is a total gentleman. He said he liked being around me. He has since asked me out again.

 

Every signal that I get from this guy is that he is very interested (and it takes a fair bit for me to think that). It can't be about sex, because he's had opportunities to move in that direction and he hasn't taken them. So I tend to believe that he actually likes me. Well, he has told me as much.

 

But he's still online! I can't help but think about what LittleShy said: that he hasn't found what he's looking for. BUT when we're together everything seems so great. I just don't get it. Is he spending time with me but hoping that something better will come along? Don't people usually lose interest in dating sites if they meet someone that they like?

 

We haven't broached "the talk", nor have we slept together, and it's still relatively early (6 dates). Should I just leave it be and hope for the best? I like this guy.

[Little Shy]

Well, I can only offer you one persons advice. So please don't freak out on my online dating advice. I certainly was no pro at it, and it was not for me so I bailed out.

If you can stay casual with him for a bit, if that is the route he is going, then by all means, try & stay calm & casual. Maybe it would help if you kept dating other people until he proposes otherwise.

I will caution you of this though, because it is something that I have noticed a lot of in dating...what you mentioned as a sign of his interest, talking about dates, or things you could do together in the future...I wouldn't put too much heavy thought into that.

I had a boyfriend once that literally carried around in his pocket, a list of everywhere we had thought we would like to go together. The list ranged from museums, restaurants, to many out of the country destinations.

This guy would call me at work sometimes, to tell me how excited he was, he just added a new destination to "our list"!

We went on one out of the country trip together, and he was a miserable bastard (I find out he feels a "lack of control" while traveling in another country) and I had a great time, smiles all around.

He broke up with me shortly after we returned from the trip & I was stunned.

We had talked as if we were going to be together forever, certainly it would have taken almost a lifetime to knock out everything on our list!

Now, that was extreme, but ever since then I take it with a grain of salt when I guy talks about ski trips in the future, wine country in the future, train rides up the coast.

In the beginning it seem to mean nothing, it's like he finds out you have the same interest, he's having a good night out with you, and it's "hey! we should do that together sometime!"

And then a few weeks later it fizzles out...so much for the ski trip!

I personally, try to not talk future talk with men. I feel like it implies you see a future with them, and at the beginning I think thats jumping the gun, so I try & just enjoy the present with them, and take it day by day.

I don't know why they always seem to want to do that, But I don't put much stock into it, until we are an established couple.

Best of luck to you & keep us posted!