mel_bell Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 okay...so here is a little BUT LONG (sorry) update about my situation...on my previous thread I explained how my situation with my live-in boyfriend was. and that I had major suspicions of him cheating on me. 2 weekends ago, on a friday night i noticed he got a text but i never heard the alert...he likes to put his phone on silent...which I always complained about and untill recently he has stopped. moving on...i know it was from this female he has been in contact with and i suspect its her who he cheated with. he didnt reply so whatever...the next morning I went to get my hair done and i asked him to drop me off and pick me up later. he did. when i got home i had a weird vibe. we made plans to go out that night, which was really good...we had not been able to do so in a long time. while he showered i got that weird feeling again and I did what I never thought i would do...I checked his phone and saw that all mornin while I was at the salon he had been texting her bac and forth. (which when I asked him that a while bac if he has been talking or getting to know females he's met...(i knew he had been)...he said he has never done that since we got together) continuing...we went out on our date...i didnt mention anything abut the texts and left it at that. while on our way he makes a comment that he heard about this club that is awesome on wed nights and that he is goin to go with his boy to check it out. WAIT A MINUTE! that is my favorite club to go to and when i had mentioned it to him months ago, he declined because it was in the middle of the week and he had to work the next morning. well, his response was like..."well, i'll check it out with my boy first and then the other week i'll take you"...WTF...he knew this was my favorite place and he pulled this crap...I got so pissed. he then says fine...I'll go with you first and then the following week I'll go alone with my boy...I got suspicious and then another fight started. He gets upset cuz his ex was the REAL jealous type and always accused him of cheating. we got to our destination mad at each other. while walking i tell him that i have been getting suspicious cuz of things that he does. he asked like what? i mentioned all the secretiveness with the phone...so he's like here if i have something to hide then look...(he hands me the phone)...I went for the one thing he always does that he makes sure i'm not looking...TEXT MSGS. the first one that popped was the female's text...when i asked who the f*** was that...oh thats that guy from the band..i told you about him...BULL****! (the portion of the text was "ay mami dime..." translated is somethin like: "hey girl so tell me...") he still claimed it was a band member ad took the phone away. he was so mad and would not respond and we had to leave (never made it to the restaurant...LOL)...the biggest fight we had EVER was about to come! I brought up all the **** i knew he flat out lied to me about and he still claimed that he never lied...we finally calmed down and we talked it out...still claimin that he has never cheated that i am the only one that he loves but that if i cant trust him he cant deal with a repeat of his last relationship...so i told him he had to stop all the games and tests and stop the lies and the hiddin crap. we came to an understanding. NOW THIS IS WHAT IS GOING ON NOW... As of that day, he has been acting different, before he always wanted his nights to go out with the boys and it was a must. all of a sudden he is like i dont need that. all this past weekend we spent it together talking and making plans for the future. From current goals of goin bac to school to when we have kids and how we would like to raise them. before he would claim that he needed his independence and that he needed his personal time...which i know we all need at times...but his was every weekend, while i stayed at home. sometimes i didnt mind, but it was like he went out one night and the next when i wanted to go out with him, he just wanted to stay in. it wasnt fair. he claimed that since we spent all week together that we had enough Q-time. I disagreed, because all week we both work, go to the gym and have the same routine of work, home, gym, dinner, relax, and to bed. we rarely spent time out and about, except for the occasional dinner out, or movies. its good to go out even to the mall and walk around...just to get out and breath fresh air. Now he is acting very hommie and wanting to spend Q-time with me, even if its at home doing housework. To the point that after dinner I am not even allowed to wash the dishes...he says that, that is his job since I do the cooking. He is involving me more in his decisions...like what he should do with a position change he recently got, which might mean him traveling or not, but he wants my input on this. Also, like how he should spend his money. I love these changes, but I am kinda concerned and confused . what if it's a front? another test? not sure what to think. I'm scared to get my hopes up that he has changed and then the same suspicious acts begin. I LOVE HIM AND I WANT THINGS TO REALLY WORK OUT, I DO SEE A FUTURE WITH HIM...any advice would be appreciated. what's your 411 on this? I'm listening...
kalashnikov Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 What does Q-time mean? sorry for my ignorance lol so.. he changed all the suddon? maybe he did cheat on you and felt bad about it now he is trying to make up for it maybe the other way around
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Beware. Men aren't light switches. If the behavior evolved over months, that's one thing, but if it changed overnight, I see more of a strategy. Happy to be wrong
Author mel_bell Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 he has always been loving and caring, but at the same time somewhat shaddy. he claims that i dont trust him, but then when i say that i love him and that i havent, dont want to, and dont have the need to look at any other man...he says he doesnt believe me. i'm paying for what his exs have done to him. he knows i am nothing like them and he needs to stop it because by not believing he is showing that he doesnt trust me. it goes both ways he wants me to trust and believe what he says, he needs to do the same.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 He has attachment issues. How long since last X? From reading your prior thread, it appears a number of stages of dating/relationship building were skipped. Perhaps this all came about too quickly. You both appear to have come from difficult past relationships and are still young.
Author mel_bell Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 carhill...you are totally right...we did skip alot of the usual dating/relationship stages...but we knew that. his last ex lasted 2 yrs, they did not live together, and i think it ended sometime early 2007. he is use to girls that have cheated and lied to him and been over jealous...and sometimes i think he has the mentality of let me do it to her first before she does it to me. that scares me. we are only 3 yrs apart, not a big difference. I was married young and been through alot. i havent had as much experience in the relationship area as he has, but i know what it is to live with someone and share your life with them. I am not use to the "well you do ur own thing tonight and i do my own." so that part is hard for me to accept, but because that is what he is used to i have learned to understand...i might not like it, but i've learned to compromise to a point of course, but maybe the fact that i have been like that has given him something to think about. he is 28 and because of his past he really does want to settle down and form a family someday, but sometimes i feel that he switches bac and forth. still at that i do but not yet, soon but not too soon state. we are both hispanic and from big families and we both would like to have that someday. but i think mentally and emotionally I am, but he still has some time to get there. YET, out of this past wkend, he showed me that he is looking or at least starting to look at things differently.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Since you're here, it tells me the issues are on your mind. That's good Try this: Take a month of your time and be how you naturally want to be with him, without commentary. Watch his actions and vibe towards you. No relationship talks out of the ordinary. Compliment him for his help/changes as indicated. Be genuine. See how it goes. He may backslide, but you'll have a foundation to build on. Discuss how you feel, positive and negative, at the end of the month. I'll bet you know a lot of what he does without actually seeing/hearing it. You sense it. So, trust those senses and file it away for future discussion. Note I said discussion, not confrontation. He needs to know you both are a team, not working towards seperate goals. Maybe someone else will have better ideas, but that's my contribution
Author mel_bell Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 That does sound like good advice. I might just take it under consideration. what sux is that i have the access to certain things that make me want to look and search, but i want to trust him. thats when i feel that if i search i will find what i do not want.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Resist searching for a month and trust your intuition.
Author mel_bell Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I think you have given me the best advice...Thank you! lets see how things go. one day at a time right?
sally4sara Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Cahill gave you some great advise there! I would like to add that even some of the best intentioned guys will go through a bit of showing their ass from time to time even when they know they have a good thing going. Us girls probably do the same thing. I suspect it is a subconscious attitude and that we do it to see what our boundaries are. I think it is done to see if our partners are capable of accepting us, if they have a forgiving nature, and if they have a self esteem level that will hold us to paying them some respect.
Author mel_bell Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I guess I never saw it that way. But surprisingly he did something today that i didnt expect. he had a page up on migente.com...(kinda like myspace)...which he kept with a only females as friends n on top of that he would get on it daily. I asked him to delete it and he said that he wouldnt cuz i had a myspace with a bunch of guys...so i deleted my page...he said he didnt need that page and that he would delete it too...that was over 2 months ago and still he kept it and kept goin on it. today he came home and told me that he deleted his page...I was like: "oh ok". but the truth is that he shocked me...he always use to put up excuses that it wasnt necessary for him to take it down. so...where did that come from? things like this make me think that he is taking things more serious...but i am still a little skeptical. does that make sense?
Recommended Posts