toothbrush Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi - new poster here. I'm lost in my thoughts and looking for advice. Tell me if I've posted in the wrong area and I'll move this long post. So... after almost a year together I'm breaking up with my girlfriend because I don't trust her and I'm pretty sure she's lying every week. The hard thing is that I really love her and can't bare to be without her, and I know that she loves me too and was distraught when I asked if we could end things. Trust for us has always been a big problem. I am often very suspicious that she is lying. She maintains a close friendship with her ex who she had difficulty breaking up with a couple of years ago. That drives me crazy, but I try to be adult about it and let her hang-out with him ocassionally. Sometimes though I get the feeling she is at his place and lying to me rather than letting me know. 6 months ago we broke-up for a few weeks after I went and checked-up and found her at his when she claimed to be at home and was calling me crazy for thinking otherwise. We got back together and tried to rebuild the trust but in the last two months it has all started back again, with her getting vague about what she's doing and me going to check up to see if she's parked outside her ex's. I never see her car there, but she could just park it somewhere else. I hate this stalking and spying that I'm driven too, and she hates me asking where she is. She was shadowed by a relative most of her time as a teen and young adult, and his job was to tell her parents if she was misbehaving. Now it feels like I'm that guy. Last week was the final straw. Firstly I did something I never hoped to do and checked her text messages. One from her ex saying 'i love you'. Then the next night, she was being vague and insistent that she was going to bed at 8.30pm which sounded nonsense to me, so I finally made the hour long trip to her house and sure enough her car was out. I told her we had to break up as I have zero trust in her and I know she's lying. She broke up completely and pleaded with me to reconsider. A few nights later she went out on a rebound date but later rang me crying and agreed to tell me all the truth. But the problem was she told me the truth (or maybe even another lie) about some other time, not last week. I've not told her that I checked up on her for that night and I'm waiting for her to just finally admit it. But no, she's adamant she's told me all the lies and that there are now none more. I spoke to her last night about another chance but only if we talk it through completely. She told me she didn't want to talk if all I was going to do was ask her about lies and then not get back together after that. Catch-22? Writing this down makes it seem ludicrous to get back together with her but I really love her and she seems to really love me and has been desperate to get back. We both have to move jobs and country in the next few months and were thinking of trying to do it together so it's a lot of extra pressure as we have no obvious plan other than being 10,000 miles away for at least 2 months. ::: So, with her lying and my complete lack of trust with her, have I done the right thing to break our hearts and break-up? ::: How could we possibly fix this and build a life together with only a month or two of our time here together left? Thanks in advance - I'm sad as hell but maybe you can help sort this out.
MissJerrica Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) Well...i think that she is upto some weird stuff. My main questions is why does she still seek out this close bond to her ex? what is it about your guy's relationship that doesnt give her all the fulfillment she needs, leading her to still latch onto this guy from the past, when you know its wrong and disrespectful..i think its cool of you to let it be...but your feelings are important to, and something like that is just a blatant obvious no-no in relationships. I reallly think you need to take some time apart from one another, time with no contact..if someone really loves you the way you think they do, not talking to them for a few days, weeks, or whatever wont stop those feelings from being there.. sometimes its so hard to accept that taking time apart to clear your heads is what you really need to do...but i understand not wanting to do it, especially when your girlfriend seems very needy and like she would just fall into any guys arms to fill the gap from you.. thats a scary thing to think of , i know..but do you really want to be with someone like that? when you plan out your life, you have to make the wise decisions of who you choose to love and invest all that energy to, because someday you might start a life together or a family with that person, and if things go to sh*t when you are already that deep into it, do you really want to have that nagging voice in the back of your mind telling you "i told you so..i told you you should have been strong and smart enough to make the right decision to move on a long time ago..but now you are stuck with more complex problems than u originally imagined..." Its all about choices, faith that that right person is out there, and bravery. You want to have a match that you can trust, thats the most important thing and the foundation to all relationships, i know what it is like to have a LTR with no trust ..and it PLAGUES it! she is very shady with you and very immature about her actions. I would say you deserve more than this and that you should probably take time to re-evaluate if all of these negatives are worth it. take time to right a list of all the good things she does for you and of all of the bad things she does to you..see which is longer..and notice if your "Good" list is just filled with standard things like "She makes me laugh" "she washes my laundry"...because all women have the ability to do those things... you need a partner that you deeply connect with and who does the same for you...i dont know if that is what you guys have... hope this reply gave insight! good luck Edited March 17, 2008 by MissJerrica
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