david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi all, I'm new here but have found reading the forum some comfort, at least to see that I'm not alone in my misery. My partner of 26 years and 2 kids (16 & 20) is having an affair. I've found out, confronted her and she's admitted it. She says she loves him but that she also still loves me. Lots of tears, mostly from me I have to say, but 7 days later we're still living together. There's a practical problem, she can't afford to move out. He lives with his wife but I've learnt she left him this weekend. She said quite matter of factly that she could have moved in with him but she hasn't. I've said she can stay with me and we can try to talk things through and patch things up. I still love her so much I can't bear to see her go, I can't throw her out and I want to make things work for us despite the pain of this last week. She has said, kind of, that things aren't completely over between us, and I want to believe her. But my agony is that I don't know if she's just biding her time until they can be together or if she really hasn't yet finally made up her mind. For fairly good reasons I am fairly sure they haven't yet had sex. I know this because it has been difficult for them to meet, plus she has a secret mobile phone that she knows I know about and keeps hiding and I keep finding. On it, even now, they talk about planning meeting or planning sex. But why is she still with me? Is it this illicit excitement she likes, or is this her way of trying to decide? Why is she still with me when she could have so easily left? Is it because she's afraid to make take the last step? Or is she waiting for me to snap and throw her out to save her a tiny amount of guilt knowing that it was me that ended our 26 year relationship? If I didn't still love her and wanted things to work out then I think anyone in my position would have thrown her out by now. I know that. But I'm a crazy love fool who still thinks there's a chance. If she had walked out then as painful as that would have been it would have been a decision. Living like this with no decision is the most painful thing. Is she biding her time or is she giving us a chance? Her actions say one thing but her mobile phone says another. Tell me I'm not being stupid or a mug? But how can I walk out on 26 years of relationship? One other thing. She had an affair 3 years ago but we got through that. Oh dear, I think I can probably answer my own question now.
Trojan John Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 She is the one who is throwing away a 26 year relationship, not you. She almost threw away a 23 year relationship, but you took her back. Sure, you love her and are reluctant to end it, but ask yourself: Does she love you? Are these the actions of a loving partner? Does she respect you? How long are you going to allow yourself to be emasculated like this?
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I'd recommend to you that you read posts by Owl. Here's one of his threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Owl was also in a long-standing marriage with teenagers, but came out strong on his wife's EA. He basically presented her with two choices.. "it's either him or me and there is NO in between". After she made her choice, he was the able to help her address her issues which had left her open to the affair. And things seem to be working out nicely for him. I had almost the exact same sitch, long-standing marriage, husband seeking out other women. And I also "came out strong", offering a clear one-time choice, and then followed it up with TLC on his personal issues after he'd recommitted to the marriage. Your wife apparently didn't learn much from her last affair, so... what do you have to lose that's not already lost?
Bryanp Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Your wife had a an affair 3 years ago and apparently has learned nothing. She is being a cakewoman who apparently is allowed to try to start another affair and you responding that you are willing to work on your marriage. She knows you are willing to accept anything. She screwed around 3 years ago and she is trying to do it again throwing it in your face. I know you are hurting but there is nothing attractive about being a doormat. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Clearly she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 You're right, I know I've been walked all over. it's hard tho because I now face the difficult decision to end our relationship. If she had the courage she clearly lacks and left me last weekend when this all came out then I'd be a week into getting over it. But because she hasn't, it might ultimately fall to me to end it so I will have the knowledge that it was me that ended our relationship, despite it being as a result of her actions. I think she wants that because she's weak. But can I do it and show that I'm stronger?
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Try CryingCanuck's threads too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81289/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101241/
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thank you LJ, there's a lot of wisdom in there. Right now I can see what I must do but it's hard to take the step.
Sal Paradise Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 She did this three years ago so even if she decides to stay what would be the point? She will just do it again in the next five years or the next time someone gives her attention. Why allow this woman to ruin your life anymore than she already has? If you stay in this relationship and she does it again you have no one to blame but yourself. Throw her out of the house and have the locks changed. She isn't worth it. You can go on and be happy without her. Did you guys see a Marriage Counselor after her last affair? She is selfish, there is no evidence to suggest she will stop putting her needs above those of your marriage. Why would she change when she knows you will take her back every time she screws up? In your mind you're thinking, if I take her back that will show her how much I love her and make her stop. But that's not reality. In reality she is thinking... "I can have my cake and eat it too, the only consequence is he gets a little upset" It's impossible to respect someone who has no respect for themselves. Who allows you to walk all over them. Making yourself look pathetic (as you now do to her) won't win her over. Take a stand and be a damn man. She screwed up not you. Throw her out today and file for divorce tomorrow. Why should she have the power? She has had the power since the last affair and look what she did with it, she abused it. Take it back, make the decision for her.
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I've done it. I've told her she must leave. Tonight will be difficult because of our son but I've taken the most important first step.
JustBreathe Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I'm so sorry David. You did the right thing. H left me for four months and I cried for him to come home. It was when I quit crying that he returned, reluctantly, only to continue to play with my heart for years afterward. Finally I had had enough, kicked him out, and went no contact with him. He was begging to come home in one week. Seriously sobbing and begging. It's okay for them to leave you high and dry and feeling wretched, but it's quite a different matter when the shoe's on the other foot. So now he's a changed man. I just wish I cared. Right now, you still have time to work it out. Play hard ball with her before it's too late and you have lost all respect and love for her. If she comes back, it will be on your terms and with some help you might be able to salvage your marriage. If she doesn't come back then you have only lost a woman who cheats on you and you WILL survive it. I know it will be hard, but be absolutely unyielding on this. Don't beg her to come home! Don't let her come home if she begs until she promises to make help you make a real effort at saving your relationship.
twice_shy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I've done it. I've told her she must leave. Tonight will be difficult because of our son but I've taken the most important first step. Yes you did. And I believe you did the right thing. And yes, SHE should be the one to leave. Just remember. SHE did this to your son, not you.
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thank you JustBreathe and twice_shy. I feel a strange calm after a week of tears and confusion. The odd thing is tonight she's the one that's crying. It's very tense and so far no arguments. I want to try to keep it that way. The only tear I had tonight was when my 16 year old son told me that he'd help me out more around the house. He's so strong for one so young. I am so lucky that I have him. But I feel so sorry for her because I think she's starting to realise what she's done. She told me when she came home that she planned to leave on Wednesday. I said no, go now. She was shocked. I feel like I am in control of my situation for the first time in months, maybe years. Thank you everyone for all the help today. I am so glad I found this forum. I know the tears will come but I feel this strange sense of calm just now.
Owl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 David- A couple of things for you to think about. First off, its obvious that the FIRST affair she had didn't resolve the issues that led up to it...which is why you're where you're at right now. What happened with the first affair? Was it PA as well as EA? What led to it, how did the two of you 'deal with it'? But, for right now, you need some immediate advice for dealing with your current situation. Telling her to leave may have hurt you if you're looking to recover your marriage from this. Now, if you want a divorce as a result of all this...there's nothing wrong with that choice at all. First off...you're hurting and in a ton of pain. I know man, been there. Your emotions are going up and down...one moment you want to save the marriage, and the next you're ready to kick her to the curb. Try to get a handle on that...go see your doctor and get on AD's. Even if you weren't depressed...you probably are now! They'll help you 'even out'...and let you keep a more even keel and figure out what you really want, and allow you to think, and not react. Next, decide what you WANT. Do you want to try to reconcile, or do you want to divorce? Either choice is honorable after what you've been through. Then, get a gameplan to get what you want...if you want to divorce, go see a lawyer, get your assets protected, and work that plan. If you want to recover your marriage, there are several things that you should do to help you work that plan. I'd suggest getting a couple of books that can help a lot..."Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" are both a couple of good references that can help you sort through things. If your plan is to reconcile, read through those books, and go over to marriagebuilders.com and look at their free information on "plan A", "plan B", "the love bank", etc...there's a lot of good information there. The bottom line is that you almost need to "woo" your wife back by meeting what emotional needs of hers that you can right now. At the same time, you need to be working towards establishing "NC" (no contact) between her and OM. Make it clear to her that you are NOT going to accept her being in contact with him in any fashion or form. She's NOT going to have the option of having the both of you in her life...she WILL end up being forced to choose between the two of you. Read those books, decide what you want to do, get on AD's to help you work through all of this without breaking down...that's really the best start you can take. Last thing...dealing with this stuff is a MARATHON RACE...it is NOT a sprint. Its going to take long term effort...be prepared for that. Its not over until YOU say its over...remember that!
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Dear all, sorry for being a newbie but this is my first thread and it's duplicated in the Infidelity forum, so to avoid breaking forum regs I'll be over at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147187/
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