lammah Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Ugh, sorry this is so long. Edited it 3 times but to no avail. It all feels like important info. After my wife telling me she wanted to be more independent, wasn't happy, and wanted some of the things in her life fixed (her credit, her inability to get a bank account because of the credit, her car, her teeth (braces), a better job) she has suddenly started hanging out with her friends way more. She stayed out 11 hours and then comes home at 10:30pm to tell me she's going out again in 5 minutes. She says that she dreads coming home because it's so fun out (no responsibility) and then stays out another 15 hours. This is only the second time she's ever not come home overnight in 6 years together and she said "never again" after the first time. She showers, does her hair, and gets ready to go back out. We fight a bit and she tells me that she wants a divorce. She is picked up by a new guy who doesn't come to the door. She's not hanging out with who she said. While she's waiting to be picked up she looked more nervous than I've ever seen her. This time she looks rested after the night. She starts working on the divorce papers and says she's filing tomorrow but will need me to pay for it. I refuse and say that I don't want to get divorced. She has no money because she has just been sitting at home on the computer, chatting all day for the last year. She sleeps on the couch that night for the first time in this marriage. She only agreed to go to MC one time ever before she files and says 10-15 words the whole time. The counselor gets frustrated with her and starts drilling her about where she's going to go and how she'll even file with no money. She has no one to help her at all and she hasn't even gotten her car running (she's a gearhead that works on her own cars). Around the same time I discover that she has a new friend in her highest ranked position on myspace. It's some 33 year old (6 years her senior) muscle head with the car that I saw her get picked up in. It seems clear to me that she has another relationship going on so I go and confront her. She tells me I'm crazy and psycho jealous and shouldn't look at her *public* profile (even if it does show up on google for her name). She tells me she wants time apart to fix herself and that I should want to work on my jealousy too because I'm so crazy.... Nothing can get fixed while she's still here, she claims. She needs to see it from the outside in. We file the next day (why is she in such a rush?). After we file she immediately breaks down crying to me, holds me while she sobs, and says things like "I know this seems crazy but I think it's going to work and it will help us," and "You're the only one I can really talk to, my friends just push me to get divorced and they don't understand." We hold hands as we drive to get her a bank account. This is where it gets weird: when she finds out, to her suprise, that she can just open an account right up she says, "I wish we'd done this first because I'm not sure I would have filed." This stuns me! She thought about filing so little that something this mundane could cause her to reconsider? The bank account doesn't even have anything to do with me (I never kept her from anything) and she admits that too. When I suggest we change to a separation and she thinks I'm going back on what I said and she doesn't want to have to tell potential boyfriends that she's still married because they'll wonder what she's still holding on to. (is she worrying about the current one? She barely ever goes out until now so she would have only just met him.) This seems really weird to worry right now. The last three nights she's stayed at the other guys house and she's bringing all her hair styling supplies, her workout clothes (muscle head has a home gym, go figure), her laptop, and everything but the clothes she usually sleeps in when she wants to cover up. It's totally freaking me out, but, of course, she insists that there's nothing going on. He's just being nice and giving her a place to stay. I had already agreed to help her get her car fixed at this point (expensive). I'm starting to wonder why I want to help her. I'm not here to make this easy for her. If she feels stuck or just wants these little things fixed (like her car that she loves and a bank account) then maybe this is just what she needs to feel like the relationship will work. It almost seems like the divorce is a game to get these things taken care of and for me it's been the worst week of my life. She already considers herself single. I can't call her "wife." She says she has no reason to be faithful, or to tell me if she wasn't, since she's "not married anymore" in her head. Yet she says she's not. I just don't get it. Is there hope? Her actions are so back and forth. Should I back out of paying for the car repair? It would be a HUGE insult that she may never forgive me for. If the other guy really is just a nice place to stay and nothing more then I want to keep working towards helping her so she can think and then hopefully come back.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 If you don't have any kids to worry about, why not just go ahead and divorce her out-of-hand? She's already "living single", why not make it official? She's using your home for a flop-house and dating other men. Why would you accord her the privileges of a WIFE, when she's telling you point-blank that "in her head, she's not married anymore". If it was me, I'd see an attorney and ramrod this thing through at lightning speed. She wouldn't feel the breeze from my passage out of her life until 5 minutes after I'd gone... that's how fast she'd get her wish. Sure as soon as she feels control of the situation is slipping out of her hands, she'll cry and carry on. Likely as not, she'll tell you that she's "confused" and that you're her "very best friend" and that she doesn't want to lose you. But you have NOTHING to lose that's not already lost. If you let this woman treat you bad now, there's nothing to stop her from doing you wrong any time the mood takes her. Her concerns are limited to her "friends" and her new OM. Hey, why not let THEM fix her car, carry her out to the bank, and tend to her dysfunction? She just gave you a "Get-out-of-jail-FREE-card". I'd take it and run if I were you.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 She is screwing with your head. If I were you I would give her the divorce she wants and get rid of her as fast as you can. Believe me you don't need this drama in your life.
Citizen Erased Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) DO NOT pay for her car. She has no right to expect that of you after what she is doing to you. She won't forgive the insult? She is sleeping at another man's house not long after she demands a divorce, who knows what was going on before she even made you aware of her intentions. Her insult is far worse then her inability to pay for her own car. Go and see a divorce lawyer asap. Just because she can't be bothered to go out and work like everyone else does not mean you should have to pay any more then you already have. Other then that, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I hope you start looking out for yourself. Edited March 17, 2008 by darlin_coco
Author lammah Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I appreciate the replies here and I think I'm just having trouble facing that I need to get her out. My friend just said that she's been talking about whether or not to leave me for at least the last six months. It was not out of nowhere and this guy is probably a premeditated way out. My friend even heard her talking on the phone about who she should mess around with to break up the relationship. If she's been working on this for 6 months or more, then where's her savings? Why didn't she prepare? It's like she has no clue what she's doing. My friend also tells me that she's propositioned (in some way) every one of my friends by doing things like suggesting to watch porn in the guys room and etc. She just looks for sex everywhere, though she may or may not follow through. I think you guys are very right. She is a scary person when she's like this and I should get away while I can.
Gunny376 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I'd pay for her car ~ paid to have the piece of junk towed off of my property ~ or push out in the middle of the street! But before you do that? Box up all her trash, and load it to the brim with it. What won't fit? Box it up and put it next to the car. Make a clean sweep of the house, to make sure you didn't forget anything? Then change the locks to everything, the house, your car, etc. Then like Lady Jane said? Get a lawyer and file. Don't take calls from her, don't answer e-mails, text messages ~ nothing, zilch, nadda ~ she had her opportuity, and she's blown it? She's all but "doing" muscle head on your living room floor, and if you believe he's just a good old buddy helping her out ~ I've got some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you? You not only deserve better ~ you can do a Hell of lot better! HATE to say it? But she's Sorry. Go out and find a REAL woman ~ someone who's got their head and act together, someone that's got a JOB! Has her own place, a CAR!
Siciliana Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 It seems to me like she is using you while she is sleeping with this other guy. If she wanted a place to stay....it would be with a girlfriend. Consider yourself lucky not to have kid with someone who seems so irresponsible and immature. And also be lucky she wants to divorce you while you are still young enough to have the rest of your life infront of you. I'd be leaving a message for that dude on Myspace to "come and pick-up his girlfriend's junk"
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