Should I persist in courting her?

[xenopower]

Hello,

I'm a male senior in college who recently got back into contact with my female friend from high school (she's in another state) about four weeks ago. Soon after, I asked if she would consider having a relationship with me. She said yes.

 

I have since talked to her everyday, told her how much I liked her, and sent her flowers twice. Things have gone pretty well in general, but 3 bad things have happened.

 

1) She does not always make herself so available to me and it is sometimes hard to get her on the phone.

2) She recently said she is afraid of being hurt and not ready for a relationship now. She says she is still really hurt from her last relationship, etc. She says she needs more time for us to get to know each other better and let her guard down. She has asked me not to push her too hard too fast.

3) I recently visited my family who still live in her state, and she would not see me (said she was busy).

 

So...what should I do? I really like her, but am a bit fed up with her behavior - I think she has gone beyond "playing hard to get". At the same time, I do not want to give up so easily.

 

Thanks very much for your help.

[gfto]

She's not interested. "Not ready for a relationship" means "not interested."

[Green]

Learn to give up more easily, yet try harder and more often to flirt, and court as you so out of touch put it, with girls in your zip code.

[AussieJack]

Hello,

I'm a male senior in college who recently got back into contact with my female friend from high school (she's in another state) about four weeks ago. Soon after, I asked if she would consider having a relationship with me. She said yes.

 

I have since talked to her everyday, told her how much I liked her, and sent her flowers twice. Things have gone pretty well in general, but 3 bad things have happened.

 

 

OK. college man - you have made so many mistakes that I hardly begin to know how to start slappin' you. Here are two blunders that you made that you never want to ,make again.

 

Mistake # 1. You asked her to "CONSIDER having a relationship" with you.

WTF do you mean by "CONSIDER" - this sounds like you pleaded and almost begged for her presence back in your life. Immediately she will feel the vibe of DESPERATION in you, and desperation is a HUGE turnoff to women.. however the incentive of free dinners and dates on your dollar are usually enough to get a YES response from most women.

 

A tip for you guys - NEVER ask a woman for anything like this. Not a kiss, not sex, not a date or a relationship. It smacks of wussy clingy neediness, AND it puts her in the POWER position. Bad idea.. Don't ask. just DO..

 

Mistake #2 . YOu compunded the first error by doing more wimpoid stuff.

You TOLD her that you liked her. Man o man are you lost. YOu never tell women that you LIKE them like this ,you show them by your actions. How ? BY acting around her like a manly man. YOu escort her like a proud gentleman, you care for her safety and protect her, and you create attraction by being the guy who makes her FEEL great when she is with you.

 

Now, we have all made the mistakes that you have made - BUT some of us have learned the truth about women and attraction.

 

You know why she is putting in distance between you ? Easy answer. YOu killed any attraction that she had for you by OFFERING yourself to her without being a man of VALUE. SHe gets to date you for free - no effort on her part, or mystery or intrigue about you buddy. YOu offered yourself on a plate by fawning and worshipping her BEFORE she earned those privileges. That's right -she should have EARNED these things . NEVER send women flowers as an enticement - send them when she has proved herself to be worthy of your time and attention. Affection and gifts are REWARDS.

Let me ask you. WOuld YOU adore a woman who treated you like she was begging for your attention from the first contact ?

 

You get this?

[xenopower]

Oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Yes it all makes so much sense!

 

Question though: I still like her, so how can I fix all of this?

[Green]

Well your obviously american, And so am I. so let me give you abit of advice on how to get back on this girls good graces. Call her or texting her might even be better, and tell her something like "OMG you are so busted, Call me I have something important to tell you". Then in the mean time whether she calls or not you have to completely ignore it. After about a month and atleast one relationship you can call her again just to let her know you'll be back in town that week. voila... Whens the last time you got laid? sexualy

[AussieJack]

Well your obviously american, And so am I. so let me give you abit of advice on how to get back on this girls good graces.

 

Hey you guys in NTH America - woman are the same women in the western culture. Down here they are just not so aggressive and 'entitled'. They are all still women underneath. Not so different from/than yours.

 

To the OP, you did not create any sexual tension with this woman - you popped the balloon before you inflated it. Women LOVE sexual tension.

 

Do this - do not contact her at all. If you do you will end up LJBFs.

If you hear from her, give short but polite replies. Do not explain anything to her about your life..

Next find another woman to date casually - two, if you can juggle them .

Every campus is overrun with chickas ..

 

Then let the universe do its work.

[Green]

Hey you guys in NTH America - woman are the same women in the western culture. Down here they are just not so aggressive and 'entitled'. They are all still women underneath. Not so different from/than yours.

 

To the OP, you did not create any sexual tension with this woman - you popped the balloon before you inflated it. Women LOVE sexual tension.

 

Do this - do not contact her at all. If you do you will end up LJBFs.

If you hear from her, give short but polite replies. Do not explain anything to her about your life..

Next find another woman to date casually - two, if you can juggle them .

Every campus is overrun with chickas ..

 

Then let the universe do its work.

 

Nah Dating in the United States is way different then the rest of the western world. Even Canada's dating atmosphere is alot different then in the US

[backspn]

At first AussieJack annoyed the hell out of me but more I see him post the more I see the light. No matter how we say we dont want to play the game, women still like the game. Guys and gals like challenge.

[audrey_1]

 

NEVER ask a woman for anything like this. Not a kiss, not sex, not a date or a relationship. It smacks of wussy clingy neediness, AND it puts her in the POWER position. Bad idea.. Don't ask. just DO..

 

Mistake #2 . YOu compunded the first error by doing more wimpoid stuff.

You TOLD her that you liked her. Man o man are you lost. YOu never tell women that you LIKE them like this ,you show them by your actions. How ? BY acting around her like a manly man. YOu escort her like a proud gentleman, you care for her safety and protect her, and you create attraction by being the guy who makes her FEEL great when she is with you.

 

You know why she is putting in distance between you ? Easy answer. YOu killed any attraction that she had for you by OFFERING yourself to her without being a man of VALUE. SHe gets to date you for free - no effort on her part, or mystery or intrigue about you buddy. YOu offered yourself on a plate by fawning and worshipping her BEFORE she earned those privileges. That's right -she should have EARNED these things.

 

You get this?

 

If this is true, then ??? Women are told to play it cool, not show too much too fast, to be completely unavailable, etc. What gives? If we all play coy and hard to get, doesn't everyone ultimately lose?

 

Also, I'd like more explanation about this "Do" perspective. You're saying never to tell a woman how you feel, but to choose to show it? What if it's an LDR, and you can't always be around to show it? Then trying to play coy and remain elusive just drives the possibility of a relationship into the ground before it can ever take off, doesn't it?

 

Don't you have to say SOMETHING in this case?

 

Just wondering.

[Mezzi]

I would say that she is not very inclined to start a relationship with you. I think your third point is the most telling. You seem to be putting out most of the effort. I dont think you should waste anymore time pursuing her.

[xpaperxcutx]

AussieJack does have a point. OP, you made it clear that you're interested in her, and made it obvious that you're too available. Remember, you've only recently got back in contact with this girl, yet you're already pouring out your heart to her. You became too emotionally available to this girl without giving time for attraction to actually grow from the interaction. She's definitely thinking you're coming on too strong, and find it creepy that you're "confessing your undying love" when you haven't even seen her in person. That is why she avoided seeing you when you came to town.

 

Do not invest your time anymore on her. You've given her the impression that you're needy and clingy and that'll scare anyone away. Try to date other people in the meantime, and give time for your mistakes to blow off. Im her in a week or two to say hi. Don't come on too strong.

[Balthazar]

I basically agree with most of the other posters.

You need to do a lot of damage control. If you are not really hung up on her, it would be best if you started anew. Otherwise, try the stuff Jack and the others recommended;

Personally, I don't believe it can work, the time frame from your previous actions is too short.

[Taramere]

1) She does not always make herself so available to me and it is sometimes hard to get her on the phone.

2) She recently said she is afraid of being hurt and not ready for a relationship now. She says she is still really hurt from her last relationship, etc. She says she needs more time for us to get to know each other better and let her guard down. She has asked me not to push her too hard too fast.

3) I recently visited my family who still live in her state, and she would not see me (said she was busy).

 

So...what should I do? I really like her, but am a bit fed up with her behavior - I think she has gone beyond "playing hard to get". At the same time, I do not want to give up so easily.

 

Thanks very much for your help.

 

When did she split up from her last boyfriend? I recall very soon after a really bad break up I'd had, this guy I knew asked me out. I went out on a date with him, and he was trying to get really "couply" very quickly. I just couldn't handle that. Maybe some people can transfer their pack of emotions from one person to the next fairly easily, but not everyone can.

 

It could be that the girl you're interested in is still trying to come to terms with her relationship break-up....meantime from her perspective you're pressing for something (with the flowers and the visits) that she's really just not in the mood for right now.

 

You can't fast forward the process of her getting over her break up and being in the mood for trying out another relationship....and if you persevere too much, she'll probably end up getting quite angry with you. Leave it. She knows you're interested in her, and if she's interested back she'll give you messages as to when she's ready for a bit of fun again.

[xenopower]

Thanks for all your replies - they've really shed a lot of light on my situation and the mistakes I have made. To answer the last question: it's been a couple of months.

 

What bothers me about this girl is that she used to REALLY like me! Looks like I've really screwed up this time.

 

So, I will take all your advice and ignore her for a while. But am I still obligated to take her calls, IMs, text messages, etc?

 

Thanks.

[AussieJack]

But am I still obligated to take her calls, IMs, text messages, etc?

.

 

Very good question.. I would take it ONE text/email at a time and deal with each according to the contents. Ignore a few of the short ones.

Use each of your replies to OVERWRITE the past. Try some "cocky and funny" responses. Lighten up and treat her like your bratty little sister.

 

Drop any romantic vibe. Be cool and a bit distant, create a little mystery and intrigue and be manly, not wussy. HOW ? by NOT thinking thru your responses ...Just entertain her and DO NOT try to impress her or try to gain her approval. Men do this all the time and it is a terrible idea.

 

You will be fine when you get the hang of this.

[xenopower]

Hey I just got to school so I thought I'd make a more detailed post.

 

Taramere, I think what you've said is actually very insightful, because it is almost exactly what she told me - that she is emotionally not ready, etc. Her breakup was about 4-5 months ago and they had been dating for only briefly (under 1/2 year).

 

Also, I think that you guys are right in that I need to do some damage control. I realize that my actions in the past couple weeks have resulted in me appearing "desperate", "pushy", "loserish", etc. I actually do REALLY like her though!

 

I called her last night to tell her I was leaving Kansas (her state) to return to Maryland (my state - I go to Johns Hopkins). Her response was pretty ridiculous. She said that I didn't tell her I would be in town so she didn't even know and also that she thought I would be in town much longer than just a day. Well, I had previously told her that I would be in town for the weekend, and she had told me that she would be busy and couldn't see me. I tried to call her a couple days before I flew in, but she ignored my calls. So basically, she is pretending to not know that I would be in town.

 

Well here is my plan: I'm just going to ignore her for 1-2 weeks and chase/date some local college sorority girls to take my mind off her. I want to ignore all of her attempts to contact me and make her miss me. Then I will see what happens...

 

So what do you think of my plan? is it too extreme? Should I still tak eher calls? Thanks!

[xenopower]

Aussie Jack - you are freaking awesome!!

 

I will try to follow your suggestions as best I can.

[gfto]

Question though: I still like her, so how can I fix all of this?

Answer: You can't. She has LOW INTEREST in you. Once her interest is down, there's nothing you can do to bring it back up. You're wasting your time.

 

Don't answer any texts or e-mails, ever. If she calls, answer and say, "hey it's great to hear from you. I can't talk right now, but give me a call sometime," then get off the phone. Do this every time she calls. But, understand that the goal is not to win her back. You can't do that. Rather, the idea is to just mess with her.

Edited March 17, 2008 by gfto

[lonelybuthappy]

Answer: You can't. She has LOW INTEREST in you. Once her interest is down, there's nothing you can do to bring it back up. You're wasting your time.

 

Don't answer any texts or e-mails, ever. If she calls, answer and say, "hey it's great to hear from you. I can't talk right now, but give me a call sometime," then get off the phone. Do this every time she calls. But, understand that the goal is not to win her back. You can't do that. Rather, the idea is to just mess with her.

 

Every women can't have high interest all the time...It's early stage in that relationship, so her mind races...It's normal...I like your suggestions in global, but you must be careful, 'cause you'll chase off some good girl away from you..High interest must develop, like love...

[Prodigal Princess]

AussieJack is right on the money!

 

I think you've done your dash with this chick and the more you keep chasing her the farther away she will run. Be cool, and let her come to you.

[AussieJack]

Aussie Jack - you are freaking awesome!!

 

I will try to follow your suggestions as best I can.

 

You are a truly wise and discerning young man. Carry on soldier.

[xenopower]

Hahaha YES SIR!

[gfto]

Every women can't have high interest all the time...It's early stage in that relationship, so her mind races...It's normal...I like your suggestions in global, but you must be careful, 'cause you'll chase off some good girl away from you..High interest must develop, like love...

It isn't early in the relationship. This relationship never got off the starting block! Sure, interest can fluctuate, but if it gets low enough (or always was), the guy is completely out. This is such a case. Lines such as "not ready for a relationship," and her rarely taking his calls are proof beyond a reasonable doubt that she has no romantic interest in him and never will.