Author Ungh Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 You have to wonder if "staying for the kids" is code for "I'm having an affair". Well I'm not having an affair. You think I want 2 women on my back? Forget it. The other day, the wife was out of the house and I accidentally spilled some coffee on the counter top and some dripped over the counter on to the floor. Nobody was home, but I swear I could hear her screaming in my mind and I cringed as though she was there yelling at me.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Well I'm not having an affair. You think I want 2 women on my back? Forget it. The other day, the wife was out of the house and I accidentally spilled some coffee on the counter top and some dripped over the counter on to the floor. Nobody was home, but I swear I could hear her screaming in my mind and I cringed as though she was there yelling at me. Go get some counseling. It might help you put your life back into perspective so you're capable of making some hard decisions.
Author Ungh Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 How old are your kids? The kids are 9 and 13
Kasan Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Op-- I'm not sure what you are hoping to find here, but I wonder what you are going to do about this situation. I'm a woman and I hated my marriage at one time too.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 OP... "Hon, I'm not happy in our marriage. I want to go to marriage counseling to try to save it. I'm considering divorce. Will you go with me?" Listen to the response; do not talk further. Let us know how that goes....
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 While I agree with the concept of MC, I think he needs IC first. MC won't do his mental state any good, until he's personally back on track.
luvstarved Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Yeah sure I did. Many times. Was a useless endeavor. She then gets angry for weeks after one of those discussions. I have 0 leverage to make her change. Being the employed one does not give you leverage? I think it does. As for MC, not sure when you describe W as "soul-sapping wench" that there is much indication that you WANT to "work on things" such as communication...which seems to have been tried and failed anyway... It is beginning to sound like what you really need to do is cough up the cojones to take more control. You don't need a personality transplant to do this. Just find a way to say no. Find a way to let her nagging and anger roll over you while you satisfy yourself with knowing that in the end, you hold the power and the purse strings. If you can't be aggressive, be passive aggressive. Take stock of your situation. Talk to a lawyer. Make a move. Don't just sit there hating your life and thinking you are powerless to change it. You're not. So...change it. Start today.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) While I agree with the concept of MC, I think he needs IC first. MC won't do his mental state any good, until he's personally back on trackWould you say the same thing if he was a woman? Why? My take is he's just venting. He's pissed. I've been there. MC has worked for me. Our psychologist interviewed us separately and recommended MC over IC. Edited March 17, 2008 by carhill
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Would you say the same thing if he was a woman? Why? I would say this to any gender, even the ones in between. If you look at his mental state, he's extremely unhappy and has focused his entire unhappiness, on his wife. If he can reroute that, to dissipate some of the unhappiness, they might stand a chance with MC. What I see is a powerless man. IC might help him get his sexy back.
toughchoices Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Checking with a lawyer is a good idea or even just doing some research on the divorce laws of your state. I looked into this myself and the picture wasn't so grim. There are only about 10 states that are, I believe, community property states where the 50/50 rule applies. The rest are equitable distrubution or something where some other type of split is decided. Also from what I hear the alimony for life thing no longer applies for the most part. I guess some of it still depends on who has the best lawyer. You are not powerless as far as making changes. Like others have said, take control of the money and don't give it out so freely. Her needs must be met...food, shelter, water, healthcare, etc but the rest is bonus IMO. We all want things that doesn't mean we get them. Let her know this. It sounds as if she'll explode on you when you do this but if you stay strong and don't back down she will have to change or face the consequences. You already want out so if she decides that is what she wants fine! If she yells and carries on at you it just reinforces that what you are doing is a step forward. Where that leads who knows? Best of luck to you. Money issues have plagued my marriage also. I do well but not as well as my wife had it when her parents were providing for her. This is part of the reason I told her I wanted a divorce. She is now making positive changes. The difference is my wife truly loves me, more than I love her. In your situation I am not sure if that still exists for either of you. You might also remind her it would be hard to find someone else who provides for her as well as you seem to and puts up with her $h1T.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I don't agree about controlling the money flow, unless money is tight within the household. Trying to control your spouse, regardless, is always an exercise in futility. You need buy-in or you'll only be a keeper. Take charge of your own life and control yourself.
justpassingthrough Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I definitely thought of that, believe me. I'd likely get the kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays. No thanks. Plus seeing how the courts operate, I'll be giving her everything I have + alimony. So I'll be poor and childless. Great choice. You're going to be supporting them either way, whether you continue living with them or not. Besides, you have the advantage: Money. Money for an attorney who will represent so you are treated FAIRLY. My parents stayed together "for the children." It was an awful childhood. They divorced after I grew up and moved out of the house. Trust me when I tell you I had no idea what a healthy relationship (much less a healthy marriage) looked like until my father re-married. And, yes, he married the woman he had the affair with, the affair that F-I-N-A-L-L-Y forced my parents to do something about the terrible relationship they had. Their marriage, my dad and step-mom, was (in my opinion) a model marriage. They made each other happy - so happy that their marriage is the example of I want for myself and for my own children. So much so that now, years after our father passed away, she is still very much a part of the entire brood's lives. No, she's not our mother, but she is the woman who our dad loved and, in return, we love her. Seriously, OP, think about what you're doing. It makes my stomach knot up to think about it.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 While I agree with the concept of MC, I think he needs IC first. MC won't do his mental state any good, until he's personally back on track. I agree. The OP has two problems: 1). The state of his marriage 2). His vested interest in being a victim Addressing the second one through IC may definitely help the first... Mr. Lucky
angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I am so on side. Marriage is a raw deal for men. Unfortunately, most of us do not realize that until kids come into the picture, and then it is too late.
daisygirl Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I am so on side. Marriage is a raw deal for men. Unfortunately, most of us do not realize that until kids come into the picture, and then it is too late. It's not always a "raw deal" for the men. It totally depends on the people involved, IMO.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 The kids are 9 and 13Since they're 9 and 13, there's no reason her lazy ass can't be working outside the home and actually being productive.
SidCaesar Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 From the sound of things, if you do anything to upset your princess of a wife's royal ass in her cushy marriage, she would get the idea that maybe her security as an arse-sitting housewife with privilege is in jeopardy and get really mean, bitchy, and defensive. And probably would think "He might divorce me." And you know what she would do? Go straight to the courthouse and file for divorce. Because she knows that, if she files first, she will have a better chance of getting more and maintaining her lifestyle. Women win the house, kids, and more money in huge, huge percentages of divorce cases, REGARDLESS OF FAULT. Regardless. Of. Fault. So ask yourself this, is your wife the type to feel challenged by a problem and have the DRIVE and DESIRE to work things out, face some hard truths, and put some real work into her marriage? It doesn't sound like it to me. Make one peep of displeasure and you're looking at divorce. It's probably cheaper to keep her...although you'll have to suffer in silence. Tough break I say, I feel for you man, I really do, but be realistic and look at your options. A lot of bad stuff could happen that would make you have to work harder, be even more broke, and more miserable. Which is worse?
Arch Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Iv always thought the idea of supporting a future wife quiet pleasurable assuming she takes care of my offspring and is faithful. Don't most men share this same feeling? Or am I unique?
SidCaesar Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Iv always thought the idea of supporting a future wife quiet pleasurable assuming she takes care of my offspring and is faithful. Don't most men share this same feeling? Or am I unique? I totally agree with you, but that is largely a fantasy. People are more complicated than that, and by and large men's classic image of women as simplistic nurturers and providers has not caught up with our modern reality. If you had to sit around the house all the time and take care of kids, would you be totally content and happy with your life? Probably not. Housewives have a dark side. So sure, we'd all love a nice little wife to be loyal and simple and take care of our lives, but they're not going to actually do that.
Arch Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I totally agree with you, but that is largely a fantasy. People are more complicated than that, and by and large men's classic image of women as simplistic nurturers and providers has not caught up with our modern reality. If you had to sit around the house all the time and take care of kids, would you be totally content and happy with your life? Probably not. Housewives have a dark side. So sure, we'd all love a nice little wife to be loyal and simple and take care of our lives, but they're not going to actually do that. It seems to me taking care of something you created would be fulfillment in itself, I think most females have been totally brainwashed by the media and the whole feminist movement which has morphed into something it should have never become. If what you have stated applies to all females then I am truly disappointed, perhaps an Asian women would be more committed? Divorce rates in china are the lowest in the world - I think in the 5% range.
ladyintights Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) Well I'm not having an affair. You think I want 2 women on my back? Forget it. The other day, the wife was out of the house and I accidentally spilled some coffee on the counter top and some dripped over the counter on to the floor. Nobody was home, but I swear I could hear her screaming in my mind and I cringed as though she was there yelling at me. Jesus Christ you don't deserve this. You are her slave as the situation is right now!!!! You are better than this. It's time to open up a separate bank account out of the country and start siphoning funds there so you can save up for a new life. YOU MAKE THE MONEY= YOU GET A SAY IN WHAT TO DO WITH THAT MONEY! No more fancy trips or whatnot if you say so. Your wife is not aware of the important things in life. She's a professional homemaker and you are keeping her in that status. How a woman can just be satisfied spending tons of cash all day long while working her husband into an early grave is beyond me. It really is time to put your foot down. I know after a long day at work, you have NO ENERGY TO FIGHT! But it's time to tell her the way it will be and take the initial yelling or whatnot. She cannot do this to you! You are more than just her personal atm machine! Edited March 23, 2008 by ladyintights
D-Lish Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Have you ever thought of telling your wife how unhappy you are? How you bust your balls to provide for her and your kids, and don't get much in return? Communication man! Don't be all passive and complain when honestly, you can step it up a notch and take control here. TALK TO YOUR WIFE and let her know ALL that is going on inside your head. 100% agreed--- have u ever though of having a big temper tantrum over this? Telling your wife you are not okay with any of this? If there is no repairing the relationship, LEAVE IT. Being proactive is a good thing. You can stand in the background and be miserable for the rest of your life without a voice- or you can step forward and make a difference. You're choice. I have been overly aggressive in a relationship with a man (10 year relationship) - and I am sure he wanted to knock me down a peg or two, but he never showed any regret.... so I didn't make steps to change. if he had have voiced concern EVER... I would have jumped to attention and welcomed the "talk". We are divorced now.
sunshinegirl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 What would your wife's story be about the situation? If she were to come on here and post about her marriage, what would she say? So far this thread makes her out to be a complete shrew, a caricature of a person. My guess is that she is more complex than that, and that there are at least two more sides to this story: her side, and the truth. OP, I'm not trying to diminish the frustration you feel, but I do wonder if the problems in your marriage are truly as one-sided as you make them out to be. (For example: maybe your wife focuses on material things now because she couldn't get the emotional support she wanted or needed from you?) What do you think? Was this always the pattern in your marriage, or did things change at some point in time?
blind_otter Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 It seems to me taking care of something you created would be fulfillment in itself, I think most females have been totally brainwashed by the media and the whole feminist movement which has morphed into something it should have never become. If what you have stated applies to all females then I am truly disappointed, perhaps an Asian women would be more committed? Divorce rates in china are the lowest in the world - I think in the 5% range. Haha, you're funny. My mom is asian. Born and raised in Vietnam. She was horrible when she stayed at home, and a much much much better mother when she went back to work. Both my older sisters are stay at home moms. Sometimes they call me and beg me to speak to them like an adult. They go bonkers without adult interaction all day.
Recommended Posts