8 months today

[sedgwick]

...since he dumped me.

 

I have not stopped thinking of him for one second. I dream of him almost every night. I beat myself up endlessly for not being interesting or attractive enough to inspire love in anyone. I tell myself love is for other people but not for me because I'm too dumb, ugly, unattractive, and/or boring (take your pick depending on the day.)

 

I've been in bed crying all day. I am so pathetic. I don't think I will ever feel that I have any worth again. My professional career is taking off in leaps and bounds, and sometimes I'll start to be happy about it, and then I'll think, "Oh well, it's not old-time music." (For anyone who doesn't know already, his excuse for why he dumped me is that I am not an old-time fiddle player, and he realized that's a trait the love of his life has to have.)

 

I want so badly to contact him and beg him to forgive me for whatever it was I did, whatever it was about me that was not good enough, for wasting his time being in his life. But I know he doesn't want me in his world, and I love him and respect him too much to invade his life by contacting him.

 

And so I sit here every day knowing that the greatest gift I can give to the person I love more than I've ever loved anyone is my absence, my invisibility. The best I can do for those I love is stay away.

Edited March 17, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

my heart aches for you, sedgewick.

 

ever thought of learning to play?

[sedgwick]

I have. I was actually taking lessons when we met. But then I got into a second dance company, and I sold a book on proposal that I had to write, and I left the country for two months to travel alone in Mexico, and now I'm working on the next book and the accompanying feature-length film that I just got a grant to direct. Plus I'm still editing both the first book and a play of mine that is being produced here in NYC. When I'm not dancing, writing, editing, making endless phone calls and sending endless emails to secure locations for the film, or interviewing cinematographers, I'm knitting, crocheting, or sewing (I design clothes for people on the side to make extra money.) And when I'm not doing any of that, I'm spending hours getting tattooed. I wish any of these things could be impressive to him, but alas, they're not. I think I was just too boring for him. I mean, he's in a band, y'know? He's way too cool for me, and I'm ashamed of myself that I couldn't see that; that I bothered him anyway. I cannot believe my audacity and naivete. (Can you make umlauts in LS? Hmm, guess not.)

 

Plus, I can never listen to old-time music again. It makes me sob.

Edited March 17, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

sounds to me like it might be him who's not cool enough for you.

[Ocean-Blue]

I don't understand why this guy has such a hold over you sedgwick. I really don't get it.

 

Do you think there could be something else going on here? Is it possible that you are suffering from depression?

 

You are hurting yourself over someone who does not care. He has moved forward and isn't looking back, so why are you waiting for him?

 

Why is it so hard to accept that he is no longer in your life? What did he do for you that was so special? What is it about him that makes all other men pale in comparison?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting like this. I really am. I am the weakest of the weak when it comes to NC and the like. I have no resolve. I do what I do on impulse...so I suppose it's difficult for me to "get" where you are coming from.

 

I really do hope you eventually find the calm you seek. I hope you move forward one day and don't think about him with any hurt.

[atc2410]

sedgwick you don't know me that well but I've read a lot of your posts.

 

What would it take for you to let go of this guy? You concede the best gift you can give is your invisibility but you're giving so much more than that. You're just letting it all pour out of you into nothing with nothing to replenish you. That must be exhausting.

 

Do you concede you have to let go of it to move on? Do you choose to not let go because that's all you have left between the two of you?

 

I dunno from my hemisphere I see a talented (you're a published writer ffs), articulate girl who looks pretty amazing. I know a tonne of boys who'd love to know you. Don't allocate your entire self worth into your past relationship. Easier said than done I know especially as I'm guilty of it myself.

[sedgwick]

 

Do you think there could be something else going on here? Is it possible that you are suffering from depression?

 

Why is it so hard to accept that he is no longer in your life? What did he do for you that was so special? What is it about him that makes all other men pale in comparison?

 

 

I'm definitely suffering from depression. I have my whole life. I take two different antidepressants and I'm in therapy.

 

It's hard to accept that he's no longer here because I feel like I've lost my twin. I have never in my life had more in common with anyone. We used to talk about how it was kind of scary how much we had in common.

 

And he's beautiful and talented and driven and funny. He's also my exact physical type and I am insanely attracted to him.

 

He's one of the most special people I've ever encountered in my 36 years on the planet.

[atc2410]

No love.

 

Actually on rereading I think my post comes across as a bit rhetorical. Just confirming my questions were sincere sedgwick. After reading how much you bash yourself up over your ex sometimes I honestly am curious if you know what would have to happen for you to let go, or progress from where you are now.

 

[pigeonsid]

Hi Sedge- I don't know if I've posted to you before, but I've also followed your posts on this board for a while and know your story. My ex also left me without giving me a real reason, and I still miss my relationship which was a very good relationship in so many respects, I can't believe he just left me like that and gave us up. I also have suffered from depression for a long time (it also feels like my entire life, although surely there must have been happy times in amongst all the bad?).

 

But what I am finding is that with constant reinforcement, I am beginning to see a way out. It's not easy - I still have days where I can't stop crying and I feel as though the pain will never end, but where I am now is nowhere near as bad as where I was one month ago, and I keep hoping that the improvement will continue.

 

There is no quick fix, sadly. We just have to keep mourning, keep feeling the pain and letting go of it, and trust that one day we will be healed and then we will be ready for something better.

 

I just wanted to offer you some support, and to say that reading your posts has also made me feel better. Not because you're in pain, but because you remind me that the pain isn't unique to me, and that the heartbreak we feel is a very serious thing, a very real thing, and it is okay to feel it because it shows that we really do have the capacity to love someone. All the best.

[sedgwick]

Thanks you guys...last night was the second night in a row that I woke up so upset from dreaming about him that I threw up. It's like the trauma is still happening, and I can't get away from it even in sleep. I dream we're back together, I wake up and we're not, I feel sick and I get nauseous and I puke. I've never been through anything like this.

 

The reason I'm still hanging on is that I promised I'd love him unconditionally forever, and I meant it. Everything he said may have been a lie, but I made a promise and I intend to keep it. It might be 20 years from now, but if he ever decides to walk back through my door, I intend to be here waiting for him and loving him exactly like I promised.

[GlamourBabe]

but do you really want to spend 20 years miserable....

 

I do know how you feel though, to love someone and feel like there is no way out from your grief..

 

Your in my thoughts sedgewick..

[Prosecco]

Sedgewick... I've no idea where in the world you are, but don't make me hunt you down and smack you.

 

Have you honestly read what you've written? From everything you've written you sound like a fascinating, talented, lively, amazing person - and you're being negative about yourself, so God knows what you're like in person! If someone can't see that in you in person - when everyone here can see it just from a few words on a screen - that person deserves their eyes putting out, as they aren't using them.

 

Seriously - if someone has a list of 'must have traits' in the 'one' for them - then they have a problem. Must play a particular instrument or particular style? oh PLEASE!

 

This man isn't the person you adore and love - if he were - he'd recognise everything good about you, and appreciate you as you should be. You are adoring and loving an image of him that has some of his traits, but not all. Break your promise - you aren't loving him, but who you believed, mistakenly, him to be.

 

Yes, it hurts - you believe him to be perfect - but what you believe him to be isn't what he actually is.

 

You NEED to let go. And you need to step back and look at yourself. If you can't learn to appreciate your skills, talents and achievements - why should others?

 

Personally - I'd work with your therapist on your self-esteem (tried CBT?) and depression. Mourn the loss of what you thought you had, but REFUSE to sacrifice yourself on the bier of your relationship. You are worth more - and if you don't see that - you are betraying not only yourself, but everyone who's had a positive influence on your life. Many people would envy your vibracy and talent - use it!

[sedgwick]

Thanks Prosecco. Interestingly enough, I did a year and a half of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, very similar to CBT) before I met him. I knew I had a lot of stuff to work on before I had any business being in a relationship with anyone. I also knew I really liked this guy, and I thought he was someone really special, so I wanted to make sure I had my head on straight when I finally got up the nerve to speak to him.

 

Well, 18 months later, I spoke to him, and it was brilliant. Everything was so good. It felt magical and amazing and enchanted and like it was everything I'd ever worked for. I'd thought I was in love before, but when I met him, I felt this very deep conviction that I'd be with this person for the rest of my life.

 

It was beautiful until the second he left. The night before he left I gave him a long massage and cooked him dinner and we had great sex and he told me he loved me. It was the night before he left on tour for three months. We fell asleep, and seven hours later we woke up, he dumped me, he took off, and I never saw him again. This was after almost a year together, in which we met each other's friends (his adored me, mine adored him, all said we were frighteningly perfect together), in which one week was better than the last, in which I fell harder every day.

 

Now he is no longer speaking to me. I have tried and tried and tried to figure it out. I didn't beg and plead. I stepped back and left him alone. I never lost my dignity. I didn't call him once.

 

As far as I can figure out, he actually did leave me because he has this perfect old-time fiddle player in his head, and he realized that "music-obsessed bellydancer" somehow just wasn't close enough to "musician." I am not kidding when I say that every time he walked through my door I played him several more songs I liked and discussed them in detail, talking about the instrumentation and the time signature and what was going on around the melody. I can't tell you how many conversations we had where we realized that the kind of music he loves and the kind of dance I love, we love for the same reasons, namely the improvisational, collaborative nature and the percussion. We had conversations about these things that lasted HOURS, almost every time we were together. I remember one night he came over and I was practicing to a song with a 9/8 rhythm and he said, "Wow, that's hard." I was constantly asking him to teach me stuff about music, including teaching me how to play the bass (which is his instrument) and helping me find a good banjo teacher. (I met him in the first place because I was interested in playing banjo.) I could not have been more genuinely interested in what he did, and in seriously learning about it.

 

But that just wasn't close enough. I needed to already be a musician. Specifically, a fiddle player. Specifically, an OLD-TIME fiddle player. I was more into bluegrass than old-time and that was not acceptable, as in his worldview, "bluegrass is nothing but showing off."

 

His two gfs before me were fiddle players. One of them he dumped because he decided she wasn't a good enough musician. The other dumped him because he made her feel like she wasn't a good enough musician. He took her to a music festival where she didn't know anyone and then refused to play with her all week because there were better fiddle players there. This woman had played since she was three and was in the Harvard-Radcliffe orchestra as a first-chair violinist.

 

I know when I read this that it sounds ridiculous, but I really did think we had something. I really did think it was special.

 

He took all the work I did in therapy with him. I felt so sane and healthy after those 18 months, and now I feel even more worthless and inconsequential than I did before. No matter how much work I do on myself, no matter how much I love, no matter how hard I try, I am not good enough for anyone to love me, and I see that now. I don't know why that's the case. You'd never know talking to me that I wasn't the most confident person in the world. But for some reason I can't figure out, I am not worthy of love, and that really sucks.

 

Whoa, sorry for the rant. I don't actually expect anyone to still be reading this.

Edited March 17, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

Thanks you guys...last night was the second night in a row that I woke up so upset from dreaming about him that I threw up. It's like the trauma is still happening, and I can't get away from it even in sleep. I dream we're back together, I wake up and we're not, I feel sick and I get nauseous and I puke. I've never been through anything like this.

 

The reason I'm still hanging on is that I promised I'd love him unconditionally forever, and I meant it. Everything he said may have been a lie, but I made a promise and I intend to keep it. It might be 20 years from now, but if he ever decides to walk back through my door, I intend to be here waiting for him and loving him exactly like I promised.

 

Ah, but loving him unconditionally doesn't mean you need to be miserable in your life and stay so focused you get sicker and more unhappy. One day, , you'll be ready to let the love you have for him morph into a kinder and gentler acceptance of the fact that he can't be there right now and that you can still love him and think of him fondly anyway...you'll let it go into the night sky and visit it once in a while, and that's when you'll run through the gamut of all the emotions and all the healing phases yet again. Then you'll tuck it away till the next time. It'll never go away, but you'll be able to compartmentalize it and not let it overrun every waking and sleeping moment of your life.

 

I loved a man that way once...unconditionally and forever...over 22 years ago. And I still do even though he's been dead almost five years now. Like you, I had a very, very hard time...for almost two years. In fact reading about your pain and your anguish brings that all back pretty sharply. I had to walk away from him (long story I may tell one day if you're interested) even though he was my first and only love...until very recently. And that was the absolute hardest thing I ever faced or lived through up until my mother died and then he did. I think loving him this way for so long affected my whole life...the marriage I shouldn't have entered into without the same kind of love, my soul, my outlook on relationships and life in general, the comparisons I made to all others. In retrospect, it was all very sad but there wasn't a thing I could do about it. The good news is, eventually, it will get easier and you won't ever lose this kind of love you feel inside. But please let it guide you to joy and not solitude like it did me. Because it can do either...if you let it.

 

And when he does come back, however that may transpire, think about how you want to be your best...not a needy, emotional wreck he will turn and run away from. Eh?

[Prosecco]

As far as I can figure out, he actually did leave me because he has this perfect old-time fiddle player in his head, and he realized that "music-obsessed bellydancer" somehow just wasn't close enough to "musician."

...

 

But that just wasn't close enough. I needed to already be a musician. Specifically, a fiddle player. Specifically, an OLD-TIME fiddle player.

...

His two gfs before me were fiddle players. One of them he dumped because he decided she wasn't a good enough musician. The other dumped him because he made her feel like she wasn't a good enough musician.

...

 

Take a step back. Look at this guy for what he demands. He's got some WEIRD issues of his own - if he's going to restrict his love so specifically. The things with his exes are also interesting, and revealing. He sounds a little controlling - even if not of you personally, but in what he demands of a perfect partner - especially as he comes across as a bit of a c***, and far from perfect.

 

Seriously - if someone you really cared about came to you upset because their partner had dumped them because they weren't a guitarist, or weren't an oil painter, or were in the wrong branch of investment banking... wouldn't you honestly think - the dumper (I'm assuming he, here as easier to type) has a problem. And it's probably a symptom of other far worse ones - whether it's about having to control every aspect of his life, or an obsession. Frankly - however much it hurts now - I suspect this guy would have done more damage in the future.

 

 

I know when I read this that it sounds ridiculous, but I really did think we had something. I really did think it was special.

 

He took all the work I did in therapy with him. I felt so sane and healthy after those 18 months, and now I feel even more worthless and inconsequential than I did before. No matter how much work I do on myself, no matter how much I love, no matter how hard I try, I am not good enough for anyone to love me, and I see that now. I don't know why that's the case. You'd never know talking to me that I wasn't the most confident person in the world. But for some reason I can't figure out, I am not worthy of love, and that really sucks.

 

And bull****. Seriously - if you were someone I know - there would be hot chocolate and a serious talking to going on. Self-pity is all very well (this place has already seen it's fair share of mine, and will again) - but lying to yourself only does you damage. Almost NO ONE is unlovable. Heck - even mass murderers often have one or two obsessive lovers.

But - I do honestly believe - the more interesting, the more special a person is - the harder it is to find the one. Frankly - you first need to find someone your equal - if someone you don't find interesting loves you - you'll ignore it or discount it. So - if you're clever and demanding, with high standards... you'll need someone to match that. So - while boring people able to settle find their equals, it takes longer to find your own.

 

So - seriously - get some kind of mantra. Something to stop that voice in your head trying to destroy you. I had the same voice, and it nearly plunged me into serious depression - I was rescued by a drama teacher, who referred to it as 'the black dog'. Think of it this way:

 

Would you ever talk to ANYONE the way you talk to yourself? Even at your most honest? Would you talk to someone important to yourself that way?

 

I'm willing to bet the answer is no. I know I used to call myself all kinds of profanities, never take my best as enough, and anything that didn't go perfectly was my fault. I couldn't talk to anyone, as obviously no one would be interested in what I had to say. I'd turn up at parties sick with fear, and leave after 15 minutes when no one had spoken to me. It was self-fulfilling - because I assumed no one would think I had any value, no one had the chance to realise my value.

I'm a lot better now - but I'm not fixed - I'm making a serious attempt to find a therapist and address it.

 

So - you ARE lovable - but the more you repeat to yourself that you aren't, the harder you will be to love - because you'll make yourself unapproachable. It's a REALLY hard cycle to break, but you HAVE to.

 

Seriously - You probably know this already - but you HAVE to decide to act on it. Go back to your therapist, and try to build something that no person can destroy. No person other than yourself can be the source of your safety and happiness - no one should have to bear that burden - but ultimately it just means you crash more when it's lost.

 

You are worthy of love. And I bet you have many friends that love you. It's not a far step from that to a man that's in love with you. But, cheesy as it sounds - YOU have to love you.

 

I've started reading: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem : A self help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques. I think you need a therapist more than a book, but chapter two REALLY reminded me of you. If you can borrow it, take a look.

 

'I am unlovable' - is just your excuse, to help you survive life. Ultimately, it's a lie, and it will destroy you. Frankly - you sound ... amazing - that would be a huge waste.

 

I'm getting through my... crushing dumping because of two things:

1) I know he's a complete idiot to lose me, as I am ... pretty damn amazing. I know this - even though I have ALL the voices saying: "you ****ed up, you didn't give him enough/good enough sex, you put too much pressure on him, you just weren't good enough, he was out of your league, no one wants you, you are always just the rebound girl... etc"

 

2) Music. You're a music lover - you must be able to find empowering things. For me, Faithless are helping and hurting -hurting because he brought me back to them, and we first started getting close at a festival where they were playing...

Helping, because of words like this:

 

"If you place a thing in the center of your life

That lacks the power to nourish

It will eventually poison everything that you are

And destroy you.

As simple a thing as an idea

Or your perspective on yourself, of the world.

No one can be the source of your content,

It lies within, in the center."

 

Take this pain as an opportunity - you need to fix yourself, and not need anyone to make you strong, to make you realise your greatness. Make it drive you on, not pull you down.

 

Good luck. And LOTS of hugs.

[dfreeman]

I'm getting through my... crushing dumping because of two things:

1) I know he's a complete idiot to lose me, as I am ... pretty damn amazing. I know this - even though I have ALL the voices saying: "you ****ed up, you didn't give him enough/good enough sex, you put too much pressure on him, you just weren't good enough, he was out of your league, no one wants you, you are always just the rebound girl... etc

 

Hi Sedgwick,

 

I wish I was your friend at home, because I wouldn't leave your side until you at least started to believe that point 1) above was true about yourself.

 

My insecurities are a different list than Prosecco's, but even with my list of screw-ups, I know that my ex is a total idiot for losing me. I am still far from being healed (breakup still only 10 weeks ago), but I am starting to realize that my mistakes were me just being human and she will definitely be settling for much less than me in the future.

 

From everything I have read from you, your ex sounds really small and stupid for leaving you (especially in the manner he chose). Your story kills me because you are looking for answers from him, and only the answers you get from yourself will heal you.

 

You have so many people pulling for you,

 

dfree

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Sedg,

 

I always read your posts. I have felt this way about a person in my life and still vaguely do. It's a horrible feeling. I also had a dream about them last night -- that he was still in my life, that we were great friends, etc. I woke up with a heart ache. I do not know what makes it go away, but I do know that with time, it does lessen. It took me about a year to get the pain to lessen and I know that probably sounds bad, but it's the truth. If I were your friend in real life, I too would be getting you a hot chocolate and making sure you were alright. I know that my friends got tired of hearing about my heart ache, so I stopped talking to them about it, but I would listen to you and let you pour your heart out. So many of us care about you and see what an amazing, unique person you are!

[kymberann]

HI Sedge,

I too have been following your posts. I too am in somewhat of a similar situation. Although somewhat different as well, a loss is a loss. Whether the person is the most wonderous, and miraculous person you have met, a loss is painful and brings up rejection to some point.

 

Over the weekend I had a flash of insight. Sometimes we tend to think that being in a unhealthy relationship is something better than being in no relationship at all. I held on to this guy for some time thinking it's better to have him than no one. It's better to keep guessing and letting him lead me on and then reject me and have this relationship all be one sided and on his terms. The issues were driving me crazy, no security and he let everything else get in the way. I just was not priority enough.

 

I woke up and just feel at ease about it, at least for today!

 

But I tallied some of the hard times, the many times we broke up and then "got back" together. When he was good we were good, when I was feeling insecure, I was making too much out of it! As silly as they seem and as trite as they are, and if he ever got serious about it, if we were to every really get back together the same issues would be there. History repeats itself, and there I go again. In pain and misery because I am not his priority.

 

I guess my point is that after these 8 months of pain for you, of crying of heart ache for you, could you possibly think that if you two got back together, things would be the same, normal? Everything you ever wanted with this guy? Back to what it was, without the resentment and lack of trust or closure to whatever happened in the first place. WOuld you really want that in the way? If he did it once to you, he will do it again! Could he really make it up to you?

 

If he were the one for you, he would have accepted you just as unconditionally as you had. These are his issues, not yours!

 

Keep pouring your heart out, but really look at the reality of it. He was what you needed in that time period of your life and he is what is teaching you what you will and will not accept in any future relationships!

Just hang in there!

Best,

Kim

[sedgwick]

I am always so overwhelmed and grateful that you people listen to me and don't just tell me to shut up, like all my friends in real life. There's a part of me that knows I'm being kind of crazy, but dammit, I just love this guy SO. EFFIN'. MUCH.

 

And he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

 

How on earth could you have someone who loved you so much, supported you so much, was so interested in you and attracted to you, and just let that person go? I mean, assuming you were still physically attracted to them. Which I thought he was. God, I just don't know.

 

I had something really good happen to me today, though. I hired an incredible cinematographer for my film. To think that my work is good enough to be swirled together with that of someone who's been in LA shooting feature films for a decade makes me very happy. My life is this wild ride in which I've achieved three of my major life goals in the past year (write a book, make a film, travel alone in another country) and I would really like it if I could enjoy it instead of being the saddest I've ever been in my life. I don't know how to stop pining for him. Ah well, I'm off to make a film in six weeks, I guess I gotta think about that.

 

I hope all this doesn't sound like I'm bragging. I'm so spazzed out by my whole life right now I'm making myself physically ill. Anyway, f*ck it, I gotta take myself out of my mind and go to dance rehearsal. I wonder if things will ever start to seem real again.

Edited March 17, 2008 by sedgwick

[Prosecco]

I think you need to do some bragging. I still haven't forgiven you for calling yourself unloveable.

 

Btw - you are being incredibly successful. Perhaps you made him insecure? Perhaps he could see all your potential, and he knew he couldn't live up to it?

[pigeonsid]

Hi Lucidity - I would love to hear your story! I always wonder how we are supposed to make those decisions - when you love someone, why isn't it always enough? I'm still trying to work that out with my last relationship because we loved each other so much, and even up until the end even though we were fighting there was still so much good in our relationship. I am finding it difficult to recognise that it truly has ended, despite all the good we had.

 

And Sedge - I had a love like that 6 years ago. It was a guy who I really connected with, who I felt was exactly like me. It also took me a long time to get over him. I dont' think I really did get over him until I got into a relationship with my ex. For many years I thought that I was in trouble because I was never going to be able to love someone the way I loved that first guy. But I did find someone else, and eventually what I realised was that I loved this new person even more than I loved the first guy, even though the connection we had wasn't as strong or uncanny. Things worked much better with the second guy because we didn't have that connection. We could live together much better and get through the everyday much better because we weren't so similar.

 

I keep thinking about that line from Sabrina (I may be paraphrasing here): "Yes, I'm cured. Now the question is, how to get over the cure?"

[eagle5]

Hey Sedge,

 

SO sorry to here you are still being affected this badly by him. I don't want to repeat what has already been said by other posters (some great things), but I just had to say my thoughts are with you...

You WILL get there eventually, please please keep strong, you are worth so much more both to yourself and everyone around you.

 

We are all here for you...

Eagle

[LuCidiTy]

I think you need to do some bragging. I still haven't forgiven you for calling yourself unloveable.

 

Btw - you are being incredibly successful. Perhaps you made him insecure? Perhaps he could see all your potential, and he knew he couldn't live up to it?

 

that was my initial impression too.

[ninjaturtles]

I There's a part of me that knows I'm being kind of crazy, but dammit, I just love this guy SO. EFFIN'. MUCH.

 

And he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

 

How on earth could you have someone who loved you so much, supported you so much, was so interested in you and attracted to you, and just let that person go? I mean, assuming you were still physically attracted to them. Which I thought he was. God, I just don't know.

 

.

 

 

Sedg, You have received invaluable advice, so I just want to quickly add something.

 

I am not typing this in a bid to raise your hopes etc. However, I don't think you should conclude that he wants nothing to do with you/despises you etc.

 

From my experiences, I have learnt that men are logical thinkers and therefore their actions are not based on emotions and feelings, a lot of the time.

 

The fact that he has not contacted you may simply be because he has decided that you two can't be together now and the only way to move on was to go NC. It does not mean he hates you or thinks you are not a good and beautiful person. It may just mean that he has decided that the best way to move on is to avoid contact. It doesn't mean he never missed you/does not miss you and think about you. My older brother and his girlfriend split. (He broke up with her). He told me that he asked her never to contact him again. I questioned his motives for doing so and he told me that he needed to avoid contact with her, if not, things would get complicated and they may get back together. In other words, he had decided for whatever reasons that they could not be together and he reaslied that the only way they could stay apart was if they avoided contact. Please note that my brother was crazy about her. Infact, she was his last girlfriend and trust me he has his way with girls.

 

In summary, please don't fill your thoughts with negative things. Yes, they did not love us the way we loved them, hence thier reasons for leaving. However, that does not mean that he does not appreciate your worth, or he thinks you are worthless. That simply is not necessarily the case.

 

There was a young man I turned down sometime ago. I felt bad for hurting him BUT I know that he is everything I want in man. The fact that I do not have strong enough romantic feelings for him, does not take away his good qualities.

 

In your case, your Ex is a musician. I don't mean to streotype but I thought musicians never really the time for committed relationships. I thought they moved around very often and thus handling long term committments was strenous for them.etc. Please look at things in context.

 

Yes, he lied to you. Yes he hurt you so much. However, you need to realise that this has nothing to do with YOUR self worth. Please dont put yourself through anymore self torture.

 

Keep posting.