whiteroses Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi all- I'm new to this forum. I need someone to talk to about life. I've reached a pivotal stage in my marriage. I have teenage kids that no longer need me as much. My marriage hasn't been satisfying to me for several years now. My husband has grown more distant from me and we are not as intimate anymore. I'm still young and I would like to go out and have some fun on the weekends. It doesn't have to be every weekend but at least once or twice a month would be good. When we do go out I make all of the plans which is a real drag at times. I'm a simple girl with simple needs much of which are free to give. I've never been one that wanted all the material goods that life has to offer. I have always devoted all of my time to my family and in return I would like from my H is some attention and affection. I am a girl. Girls need to be told how lovely they look, to be hugged and kissed these are the free things that I am talking about. With my H it seems like rocket science and so he avoids it. It is funny how eightteen years back that he didn't have a problem with this when he was wooing me. These days I just get depressed and sad. I cry almost every day thinking about what life could have been like if I had chosen someone with the constitution to be affecionate with me long after the I do's. I've communicated this over the past eightteen years to him. The result hasn't been great. This is definately taking an emotional toll on me. Any advice on the matter?
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Talk to him and let him know how unhappy you are and that he has a choice to either BE a loving husband to you again like he once was 18 years ago and try to reconnect, OR you are considering leaving him. Whatever you do, don't go off and cheat on him...Not after having kids and 18 years of marriage.
Author whiteroses Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I would never cheat on my H but the pain is almost unbearable. I'd rather just separate just to end the pain. I have had only two examples in my life of two men: my father and my husband to draw any conclusions of what men are like in the world and I have come to the conclusion that men possibly are just not capable of fullfilling a woman's needs even when they are communicated.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 If you love your husband, then fight for your marriage. Push it and give him a chance to make things better. Be honest, show him your emotions...It takes TWO to make a marriage work so even though you say he hasn't been meeting your needs, maybe you haven't met some of his..This is why communication is so important. But, if you don't want to give your marriage a chance, then try the separation. Maybe being apart for a while might wake him up.
Curmudgeon Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 ... and I have come to the conclusion that men possibly are just not capable of fullfilling a woman's needs even when they are communicated. I hope you're not serious. You certainly know a man who's not capable of that but he doesn't necessarily typify all us men.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I have had only two examples in my life of two men: my father and my husband to draw any conclusions of what men are like in the world and I have come to the conclusion that men possibly are just not capable of fullfilling a woman's needs even when they are communicated Sadly, then those two men, your father and your husband, the two most IMPORTANT men in your life, let you down. I agree with Cur, don't say ALL men are not capable because that's just not true.
Immortalone Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Maybe instead of talking to your husband you shoud simply print out what you wrote here and let him read it. When we talk to our other half then most people go on the defense right away. Once that happens we tend not to hear what the other is saying.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Additionally, look at yourself and what your role has been. Self-examination is an essential part of healing a marriage. Both parties have to be willing to do it and accept their responsibility for the relationship. I wish you well!
toughchoices Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I have been like your H in the past. I did not show my wife the emotional support and closeness she needed. I am working on this and the reason in my case is that I was unhappy in the marriage (still am BTW). The point is that your H could have issues which need addressed also. Not just with you but perhaps with himself as well. The therapist my W and I are starting to see mentioned that certain issues can lead to a lack or lack of desire for intimacy. It may not be only you. Just an FYI. Good luck and keep us posted.
DaddyO Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I have been like your H in the past. I did not show my wife the emotional support and closeness she needed. I am working on this and the reason in my case is that I was unhappy in the marriage (still am BTW). The point is that your H could have issues which need addressed also. Not just with you but perhaps with himself as well. The therapist my W and I are starting to see mentioned that certain issues can lead to a lack or lack of desire for intimacy. It may not be only you. Just an FYI. Good luck and keep us posted. You might have to dive deeper into the marriage to find out whats going on with him. I give my W compliments but its seems its never enough. I would give her more, but she tends to point out my neg. attributes quite often. After a while I feel like "why should I give you a compliment if all you do is rag on me". Now I am not saying that is your case, but you do need to check on whats going one with him. Talk to him.
AllThatIAm Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi all- I'm new to this forum. I need someone to talk to about life. I've reached a pivotal stage in my marriage. I have teenage kids that no longer need me as much. My marriage hasn't been satisfying to me for several years now. My husband has grown more distant from me and we are not as intimate anymore. I'm still young and I would like to go out and have some fun on the weekends. It doesn't have to be every weekend but at least once or twice a month would be good. When we do go out I make all of the plans which is a real drag at times. I'm a simple girl with simple needs much of which are free to give. I've never been one that wanted all the material goods that life has to offer. I have always devoted all of my time to my family and in return I would like from my H is some attention and affection. I am a girl. Girls need to be told how lovely they look, to be hugged and kissed these are the free things that I am talking about. With my H it seems like rocket science and so he avoids it. It is funny how eightteen years back that he didn't have a problem with this when he was wooing me. These days I just get depressed and sad. I cry almost every day thinking about what life could have been like if I had chosen someone with the constitution to be affecionate with me long after the I do's. I've communicated this over the past eightteen years to him. The result hasn't been great. This is definately taking an emotional toll on me. Any advice on the matter? I know the wasted years feeling although i have not been married as long as you. You have done really well to have stayed with it for so long. I guess you should start looking at the situation from a different perspective. If today is the last day you had on earth would his behaviour matter. The answer is definately yes! He is your husband and you love him. However as women I have realised that perhaps we expect too much from our husbands. For someone whose husband only dishes the dirt that has taken me a lot of courage to type lol. Look for activities outside your house, yoga a creative writing course whatever. As soon as you develop a support system outside your home, you have found a way to cope. His opinion matters but open other avenues to get approval and compliments and some female hugs as well. You need them to survive;). hope you feel better:bunny:
Author whiteroses Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Thank you everyone your support and advice. It means alot to me. This is my first time venturing into any forum and I'm glad that I did. I don't know what the future will bring but I have signed up to work out at a gym. Yesterday was my first day and it felt great and I am signing up for a ceramics class. I'm looking for other avenues to connect with other people. I don't know if me & my H can recover what was once lost but I plan to make myself into a better person. This will eventually include seeing a counselor. Does anyone have any advice on how to find the right person. I have seen one (a counselor) in the past for myself but he did more damage to me than good. I am reluctant to see another one so if you can lend a hand on helping me make a better informed choice I would appreciate it.
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