wonderinwhatsup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Hey everyone. This site has been very helpful to me in dealing with what everyone here knows as being one of the hardest times in someone's life. Anyway heres my story. My ex and I have been broken up since August. We we're going out for about a year and a half. From August until about mid January we were still seeing each other at least 2 or 3 times a week and regularly had sex. I still love her with all my heart, but about 4 weeks ago she told me that she didn't love me. As a note, a week before we broke up she told me she loved me with all her heart and saw me as her husband in the future. 3 weeks ago she got a new boyfriend and I decided to completely cut her out of my life, since me seeing her with him caused me a ton of pain. I removed her from my facebook and would not answer her texts or calls. Still she tries to keep contact. In the first week of NC she IM'ed me or texted me almost every other day. Basically she was asking why I was ignoring her, as if she didn't know. Its been about 2 weeks since she has last contacted me and 3 weeks since I have spoken to her. I hope that she does find happiness and I would love for it to be with me again someday. It just hurts to know that she is with another man. I still love this girl, but I cannot understand why she is concerned with why I'm not responding when she has a new boyfriend to focus on. Maybe she isn't concerned anymore since its been a couple of weeks. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. It hurts missing someone you love
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 It seems to me she's being pretty callous with your feelings and maybe doesn't even know what she really wants or is doing. How old is she?
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 It hurts missing someone you love If you are hurt and missing her, just talk to her and be her friend. Get over yourself. She probably misses you too.
vivrantflo Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 If you are hurt and missing her, just talk to her and be her friend. Get over yourself. She probably misses you too. Ariadne... what's wrong with you? You're telling him to get over himself?? She's playing with his head.. and is trying to keep him on a string.. while she's banging some other guy..a little empathy would be nice.. jeez... wonderinwhatsup, unfortunately she's at that age where they are amazing at playing games..18-23... you're in the age group too, so I can't encourage you to go older. But I must commend you for acting the right way after finding out that she got another guy.. it took me months to finally react the way you did. Just continue to live your life, and date other girls!! Have fun.. and continue the NC with your ex.. you're not over her.. so unless she wants to talk about working things out, talking to her is pointless.. especially if she has another dude.. good luck!
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Ariadne... what's wrong with you? You're telling him to get over himself?? a little empathy would be nice... Continue the NC with your ex.. The ones that lack empathy are the ones that are telling the guy to go NC with someone he loves. He should get over himself in order to be able to have a friendship with someone that was close to him for the past three years. Many people don't understand that.
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 he went NC on his own, and it sounds rightly so.
Author wonderinwhatsup Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I went NC because all along I told her how much I wanted to be with her, how much i missed her and that accomplished nothing. I would love nothing more than getting on the phone and returning her calls right now, but I dont think that would make anything better. Her new boyfriend is a mutual friend and a good guy. I don't want to really get involved in their relationship, yall agree thats a good idea?
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I went NC because all along I told her how much I wanted to be with her, how much i missed her and that accomplished nothing. I would love nothing more than getting on the phone and returning her calls right now, but I dont think that would make anything better. Her new boyfriend is a mutual friend and a good guy. I don't want to really get involved in their relationship, yall agree thats a good idea? Well, if she doesn't want to be with you you have to respect that. You can't force her, she made up her mind.
youngbuckkk Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 The ones that lack empathy are the ones that are telling the guy to go NC with someone he loves. He should get over himself in order to be able to have a friendship with someone that was close to him for the past three years. Many people don't understand that. You're not making sense. How is him not wanting to be hurt emotionally right now a sign of him not being able to "get over himself"? She is hurting him and you can't expect him just turn off his romantic feelings for her and be happy while she is with another guy. How about you get over yourself.
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 You're not making sense. How is him not wanting to be hurt emotionally right now a sign of him not being able to "get over himself"? She is hurting him and you can't expect him just turn off his romantic feelings for her and be happy while she is with another guy. How about you get over yourself. Get over himself to be mature enough and understand the situation as it is, and still continue to have a friendship with her. Not run away like an idiot, like most people here do.
youngbuckkk Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Get over himself to be mature enough and understand the situation as it is, and still continue to have a friendship with her. Not run away like an idiot, like most people here do. Just because someone doesn't agree with your POV doesn't mean they are idiots. It's not running away, it's looking out for himself. What good is it for him to maintain a friendship with someone who is causing him so much pain and seems to be stringing him along as she wishes? She seems to be very inconsiderate of his feelings and there are plenty of other people out there who would be better friends to him. I've read some of your posts, and if your methods are so genius, then may I ask what you are still doing venting on this site with problems about an ex?
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hey, What good is it for him to maintain a friendship with someone who is causing him so much pain ... That's the part where you have to get over yourself. Hurt because you don't have her, yes. But not "can't see you because of that." I've read some of your posts, and if your methods are so genius, then may I ask what you are still doing venting on this site with problems about an ex? Well, I still love the guy I love. Maybe one day I won't. Who knows. But I can tell you this. I'd give anything to be able to talk to him again
sedgwick Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 You are under no obligation to maintain a friendship with an ex who hurt you. It's okay to be "selfish" until you're over it. NC helps you heal.
Ariadne Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 You are under no obligation to maintain a friendship with an ex who hurt you. It's okay to be "selfish" until you're over it. NC helps you heal. NC doesn't help anyone heal. It just fks up with people's brains. But just like any other "religion," people love it.
youngbuckkk Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I am going through pretty much the same thing as he is right now. My ex left me and apparently has moved on and wanted to be friends. Now looking out for myself and my emotions I decided to pick the same route and just ignore it, because that is what's best for me right now. I don't think of it as cowardly or immature. I see it as doing what is best for me, as I kno that right now any sort of friendship with her would be akward and painful. Maybe in time things will change, but only when I truly feel indefferent about her romantically. And this has helped me alot so far. To me friendship is built upon trust and care for one another, and i'm pretty sure that just like me the OP doesn't feel as though he can trust his ex right now fully, nor feel like she cares about him as he does her if she's treating him so poorly. There are so many people in the world that I just don't think he should be wasting time maintaining a friendship that will probably hurt a great deal, and who knows how long that hurt will last. I believe it really does make getting over it harder if you see or speak to the ex on a regular basis. People need time to heal.
atc2410 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Ariadne NC is talked up here and therefore can be possibly perceived to be overstated because this forum is a support mechanism. No contact helps you put distance between the relationship and the present which is MANDATORY for healing where one party dumps the other. Without a period of distance it's certain contact will remain a combination of pining/reading mixed messages from the one dumped vs guilt/trying to appease from the other which always culminates in awkwardness and pressure ie: it's not sustainable. wonderinwhatsup she sounds like a really nice girl who still wants you in her life. Not sure if she's been heartbroken herself at just 19 so she's possibly unaware of how difficult it is for you. Communicate clearly with her why you need to have a break from seeing her and let her know it doesn't mean you can't reconnect as friends down the track. Whether you want her as a friend, want her back or want to move on distance is the best option now.
Author wonderinwhatsup Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Just 5 minutes ago she IM'ed me saying "Hi". Why does she keep contacting me while she has a new boyfriend?
youngbuckkk Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Just 5 minutes ago she IM'ed me saying "Hi". Why does she keep contacting me while she has a new boyfriend? I can think of 3 reasons 1.) She wants the ego boost of you responding and knowing you are still available 2.) She is scared of you moving on so she doesn't want to stop communication. 3.) She genuinely misses you and seeks conversation, cares about what you are doing.
Author wonderinwhatsup Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I just wish that instead of saying hi in her initial message that she would say something actually meaningful like I'm sorry. I just don't want to give her that satisfaction of knowing that I am still there for her. I sent her a goodbye letter before i started NC so I don't understand how she could be confused.
vivrantflo Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 youngbuckkk, your list of three reasons are correct..and are the same reasons why my ex, texts, calls, emails and drunk dials after being broken up a year!! Regardless... it's not her saying that she wants to reconcile.. so continue to make her decision final, and just ignore her. You're handling this much much better than I did.. and im 9 years older than you. Keep it up man. BTW, she's confused cause she's young.. wants to date different people, yet still has an attachment to you.. that's her problem tho.. continue the NC and move on with your life.. you'll be fine!!
Author wonderinwhatsup Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks for the help guys. I wonder how long until she stops contacting me all together. I want to move on from the hurt but it does make me scared that NC likely will mean I never talk to her again.
frd150 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks for the help guys. I wonder how long until she stops contacting me all together. I want to move on from the hurt but it does make me scared that NC likely will mean I never talk to her again. Its a chance you take and you may never know. My ex still calls on a regular basis and looking at my call log Ive only returned a handful. I to wish that the call I get is an "Im sorry" but they do not come, shes seemed to come close a couple of times. If we do talk I act 1. happy 2. busy 3. totally ok even thought sadly to this day I still miss the hell out of her. If she truly misses you then N/C will pull her closer as it will make her realize that what she had is not worth loosing. If not then N/C will help you get better just like an addict coming off of a drug, soon you will no longer need it. For me its been a long slow process but the more I step away the more she contacts. For now live life, be happy ,hang with friends and do cool things,work on your self (hit the gym), see other people cuz who knows whats waiting for you out there. Consider this a time for a full refurb of mind body and soul. Good luck, were with you brother
Kman21 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 i know how it feels man, almost in a similar situation as you, hurts me also that shes with another person, i just try not to think about it but i miss her everytime i wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, hang in there and I wish u best of luck
Cannondale Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I can think of 3 reasons 1.) She wants the ego boost of you responding and knowing you are still available 2.) She is scared of you moving on so she doesn't want to stop communication. 3.) She genuinely misses you and seeks conversation, cares about what you are doing. It's deff. one or all of those. My ex did this to me after we broke up and she was with a questionable guy, once she realized that I wasn't going to be there for her anymore she let up. But to the OP, I would deff. cut the ties for now man, you need some time to yourself and to heal. Trust me, talking or communicating with your ex only makes the pain worse. Good luck man!
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