Stick with what I've got, or take a bold risk?

[expectingrain]

Hi, I'm new here but this seems like a really great place to get advice. I'm in a relationship with a girl that I care very much about, and have been pretty reasonably happy for the seven months we have been together. My problem is that there's this other girl, who happens to be a friend of hers (not a close friend, but same circle), that I just can't stop thinking about. I've known this other girl for a year and a half, and from the very first minute we met we clicked, hard. I've never in my life had a connection with another person like this. The chemistry was unreal and we both clearly had feelings for one another. I basically became convinced that we belonged together, I couldn't imagine two people being so in tune with one another and not being a couple. At the time though, I was in the final stages of a very long term relationship, and she also had a boyfriend. Well both relationships ended in the summer but by that point she was moving away for a year and I've hardly seen her since.

 

I sort of forgot all about it and in the meantime I became unexpectedly involved with my current girlfriend. I hadn't seen this other girl in six months or so until earlier this week. She was back visiting and as soon as I saw her, all my old feelings came rushing back. I couldn't take my eyes off her the whole night, and I had to make a conscious effort to not spend all night talking to her and ignoring my girlfriend, awful as that sounds. I wish there were words to explain, there's just SOMETHING about this girl. I also got the impression that she still has feelings for me, though she too was trying to not show it. Until she came back, I was happy with my relationship, and I love my girlfriend. But I can't lie to myself, the last 48 hours my thoughts have been on little else but this other girl. I just feel such an intense longing for her that it almost physically hurts to think about. I thought when she left, that would be that, but clearly that's not the case for me.

 

I now feel like I'm trapped: is it really possible to stay happy in my relationship when I yearn so deeply for someone else? Part of me feels that if she wasn't friends with my gf that I would tell her exactly how I feel about her. But since they ARE friends, the risk is so extreme. If I said something and she wasn't interested, I would have screwed my whole life up, basically. But can I really sit idly by and try to convince myself that I'm fully happy, until she gets another boyfriend and I'm left with the intense regret that I never said anything to her? I'm in my mid twenties, but I've had 2 serious relationships and known a lot of women, and no one has ever made me feel this way. How many times in your life do you truly connect with another person on a deeper level? I feel like she makes me makes my heart sing, makes me feel alive. How can I even think about doing something when I love my girl very much? But also, how can I think about NOT doing something, when people like this don't come along very many times in one's life. I'm so conflicted, and I feel guilty and frustrated and horrible. What can I do?

[expectingrain]

I know this situation seems kind of cliche, and probably 75% of the posts here are as generic as mine.....but when you're the one in the middle of it, it seems so unique and exquisitely excruciating. Does anyone have any suggestions about different ways that I could proceed?

[mortensorchid]

This thing with the other woman was not meant to be. If you sit around and wait for her to end things with her boyfriend, what makes you think that she will instantly go to you? And, you are already in a good situation with your girlfriend. SHe will be crushed by this if you go after some fantasy situation. Trust me, I've been there.

 

Years ago, I was with this one guy who lived in a fantasy world. And he had no qualms whatsoever about sharing these feelings with me. He was in love with his old gf who dumped him, walked away, and never spoke a word to him again, but he continued to send presents and call even though things returned to him unopened. "She will come back if I keep pushing", he thought, although he would never admit it. Then, all of a sudden, some woman from the past would pop up for a weekend or something, he said he was dedicated to her now. And then, whoever it was that he mentioned to me that came back to town that weekend would go back to wherever she lived, and he would never hear from her nor mention her again! I don't know you, please don't think that I am telling you that you are anywhere near as dellusional as he is/was, but you are sounding like you are going down this path. You will end up alone if you do something so ridiculous.

[whichwayisup]

Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves to be 1st in a man's heart, not second fiddle to someone else. Even if this other girl disappears, you won't give your girlfriend 100% and it will only be a matter of time before you either cheat on her, or end it anyway.

 

Do the Unselfish thing, even though it will hurt your girlfriend...Let her go.

 

You need to be alone for a while before pursuing "her" friend. Even if it's a casual friend, your gf will be upset about that.

[Green]

I thought long and hard on your problem. Your mind could be playing tricks on you, I mean you definetly sound like you have something good going on with your current gf. When you didn't go for this other woman before did you really regret it, or did you kind of forget all about her untill just now. If thats the case you have your answer

[carhill]

I sort of forgot all about it

This is key. It's a more intense infatuation than you had experienced prior, but abated when her physical presence ended and re-emerged when she returned.

 

If it was a relationship ending (like your current gf) connection, you would've never had the concentration to start a new relationship due to the connection you had, even in her absence.

 

Also, not every connection like this results in a romantic relationship. The experience of the connection is a fabulous experience in itself. With fortuitous timing, the opportunity is always worth exploring, so, if that happens to you, go for it.

 

I've experienced something like this for a period longer than you've been alive and over great chasms of distance and separation. Time is the true test of such experiences. In the meantime, take care of your girlfriend. She deserves all of you

[expectingrain]

I thought long and hard on your problem. Your mind could be playing tricks on you, I mean you definetly sound like you have something good going on with your current gf. When you didn't go for this other woman before did you really regret it, or did you kind of forget all about her untill just now. If thats the case you have your answer

 

Wow, these were some thought provoking comments, especially this one. It's so hard to tell for me what I should do. I did really regret not going for the other girl, but I really couldn't because she was moving. I forced myself to move on because there was no way I could be with her, but she never escaped my mind. Her re-emergence now seems to have confirmed that I never really got over what I felt for her. With all that in mind, even if I did follow my heart and lay my cards on the table with her, there's a fairly reasonable chance she would turn me down because I've been dating her friend. Sigh......to use my heart or my head. Quite the dilemma.

[Green]

Wow, these were some thought provoking comments, especially this one. It's so hard to tell for me what I should do. I did really regret not going for the other girl, but I really couldn't because she was moving. I forced myself to move on because there was no way I could be with her, but she never escaped my mind. Her re-emergence now seems to have confirmed that I never really got over what I felt for her. With all that in mind, even if I did follow my heart and lay my cards on the table with her, there's a fairly reasonable chance she would turn me down because I've been dating her friend. Sigh......to use my heart or my head. Quite the dilemma.

 

Your in a situation where you want to have your cake and eat it to... I would really love to be in your posistion right now. I'm looking at this from a logistics stand point, and it is a real cluster fck. How good a friends are they, because even if you wanted to break up and go after this girl could be dificult or imposible... I say keep dating your gf but flirt with this other girl in a way that couldn't get you in trouble. Put your feelers out and find out what your options really are

[xpaperxcutx]

Your in a situation where you want to have your cake and eat it to... I would really love to be in your posistion right now. I'm looking at this from a logistics stand point, and it is a real cluster fck. How good a friends are they, because even if you wanted to break up and go after this girl could be dificult or imposible... I say keep dating your gf but flirt with this other girl in a way that couldn't get you in trouble. Put your feelers out and find out what your options really are

 

KMT I don't think you should encourage him to flirt with her, even if it's harmless flirting, he's creating his own demise. OP, ff you truly feel you want to be this girl at least be an honest man through ad through and break up with your current girlfriend. You can't "have your cake and eat it too" because in the end you will come out as the jerk in the situation. Yes, your gf will be angry that you went after the friend but at least you won't have a guilty conscious.

[AussieJack]

 

 

... just SOMETHING about this girl. I also got the impression that she still has feelings for me, though she too was trying to not show it.

What can I do?

 

What you can do is take this piece of advice - ONLY get in a relationship with a woman who is showing HIGH or VERY high interest level in you. It needs to be as high, or HIGHER than your's is in her.

 

You wrote ...you are feeling "SOMETHING " about her.

"Feeling something" is not enough . Feelings are untrustworthy.

Also you said that you "got the impression that she still had feelings for you.." ...but she was trying NOT to show it.

Very romantic - but really just like something out of a chick flick .

 

Think very hard about your next step.

Infatuation comes in many forms, and is sometimes one of Nature's cruel hoaxes.

[carhill]

Infatuation comes in many forms, and is sometimes one of Nature's cruel hoaxes.

 

Frame that and put it over the urinal

 

OP, I re-read your posts. Are you really into your GF at all? Is she into you? What's the upside there? Is it just a convenient relationship? I ask because infatuations come and go (we all have them), regardless of relationship status. If the relationship is solid, they rarely create more than a blip before disappearing. Hence my questions.

[Legend]

Go for it. You have nothing to lose, and your girl will probably never find out.

[expectingrain]

Frame that and put it over the urinal

 

OP, I re-read your posts. Are you really into your GF at all? Is she into you? What's the upside there? Is it just a convenient relationship? I ask because infatuations come and go (we all have them), regardless of relationship status. If the relationship is solid, they rarely create more than a blip before disappearing. Hence my questions.

 

Geez, these are all hard things to think about. I would say before this other girl re-emerged, I was happy and fairly into my gf. I guess maybe I've always had that nagging regret feeling that I never ended up with the one that had really captured my heart. But yeah I am into my girlfriend, just kind of in a different way, y'know? She's good for me on a practical level and we get along really well and I do love her....yet here I am tempted by the forbidden fruit. She's not naive about this other girl either, we had a mini fight yesterday about me having any kind of personal relationship with her. So, I can't really feel the situation out, it seems like an either/or proposition. The thought of breaking up and then coming clean to the other girl, only to have her turn me down and left with nothing and having hurt someone I care about is awful. I guess I do want my cake and to eat it too. I might have to play it by ear and pray that this frustration abates a little bit, I'm not sure how long I can go on thinking about someone else. It just doesn't feel right to be doing that.

[AussieJack]

I might have to play it by ear and pray that this frustration abates a little bit, I'm not sure how long I can go on thinking about someone else. It just doesn't feel right to be doing that.

 

Of course it is not right to do this.

Is your current G/f good to you ? Does she worship you and show you how much she VALUES you ? Does she have a good character ?

These characteristics are RARE in wiomen today who seem to believe that they are ENTITLED to a great man just because they want one.

 

You have talked about your interest level in this other girl BUT not much about HER interest level in you . This is PARAMOUNT. Are you just chasing a fantasy here or does #2 really want you ,and how has she SHOWN her IL?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Just a word to the wise...be very careful letting go of somebody that you love and whom treats you with respect and love. I feel these characteristics are hard to come by and to let go of that because of a fantasy you have doesn't seem the wisest thing to do.

[expectingrain]

Of course it is not right to do this.

Is your current G/f good to you ? Does she worship you and show you how much she VALUES you ? Does she have a good character ?

These characteristics are RARE in wiomen today who seem to believe that they are ENTITLED to a great man just because they want one.

 

You have talked about your interest level in this other girl BUT not much about HER interest level in you . This is PARAMOUNT. Are you just chasing a fantasy here or does #2 really want you ,and how has she SHOWN her IL?

 

Here's the thing, I have no idea what her interest level is right now. I know for sure she had feelings for me last summer when I was in a relationship, as she was fairly vocal about it with mutual friends. And I know that we have that chemistry. But as for how she currently feels, it's a mystery to me. Hence making this even tougher, as I don't have much information to work with.

 

The advice about valuing what I have is good advice. I keep reminding myself of that. I do have someone who loves me, and who I love. And really, that counts for a lot.

[AussieJack]

Here's the thing, I have no idea what her interest level is right now. I know for sure she had feelings for me last summer when I was in a relationship, as she was fairly vocal about it with mutual friends. And I know that we have that chemistry. But as for how she currently feels, it's a mystery to me. Hence making this even tougher, as I don't have much information to work with.

 

The advice about valuing what I have is good advice. I keep reminding myself of that. I do have someone who loves me, and who I love. And really, that counts for a lot.

 

My rule #5 for dating for men is, " Only get involved with a woman who has HIGH interest level in YOU. "

HER IL is VERY important and unless you are CERTAIN that she is in a state of adoration about you, do not do it. Don't even consider it .

Then you need to look at her character. What do you know about her history ?

Has she demonstrated a good character in her past relationships?

 

IT appears to me that you have the mindset similar to a married man who is infatuated with some random woman and is heading for an affair.

 

THink very clearly about this..

[expectingrain]

My rule #5 for dating for men is, " Only get involved with a woman who has HIGH interest level in YOU. "

HER IL is VERY important and unless you are CERTAIN that she is in a state of adoration about you, do not do it. Don't even consider it .

Then you need to look at her character. What do you know about her history ?

Has she demonstrated a good character in her past relationships?

 

IT appears to me that you have the mindset similar to a married man who is infatuated with some random woman and is heading for an affair.

 

THink very clearly about this..

 

Thanks for all the great advice, Jack, I truly appreciate it. And it's funny you should mention that, since basically I was as good as married last year and came damn close to having an affair with her. I think the only thing that stopped it was that I just didn't have the confidence to make a move. I tend to think that since she loves talking to me and clearly enjoys my company, and openly had romantic feelings for me in the past, that it wouldn't take much for those feelings to come back for her, even if they're currently suppressed. But I could be wrong. I won't rush to any decisions, it's just that I'm kind of the obsessive sort, so this is all floating around in my brain pretty much constantly. If I decide to try to make the most of my current relationship, I'm going to have to try hard not to see this girl ever, because clearly her presence drives me crazy.

[AussieJack]

Thanks for all the great advice, Jack, I truly appreciate it. And it's funny you should mention that, since basically I was as good as married last year and came damn close to having an affair with her.

 

Yes I do have amazing powers of perception, don't I ? LOL !!

 

OK this is a serious issue so lets get serious.

I believe they you as a man should have developed a moral and ethical code to live by. In your LTR, this code guides it and steers it throughout.

YOU set the rules and guidelines because you are the logical and rational one. Women are pulled around by their FEELINGS- that is how they are. WE men are guided by thought and intellect and and we are mostly willing to take action.

 

Having said that, what would your ethics expect of your G/f if SHE was similarly infatuated with another guy ?

Would you be OK if she contacted him and had coffee dates or she made attempts to see him behind your back ?

 

I will leave it with you .

[Florida]

expectinrain - would you want to be with your GF if she would go for another guy but stuck with you because she didn't have the confidence to make the move?

 

Yeah, I didn't think so. I agree with Whichwayisup, please don't humilate her like that. If you really love her, set her free. It isn't nice to feel that way for another but stick with the safe one, while they think you are with them because they are number one.

 

Just make a decision. Take the risk. You will never be happy with your girlfriend if you could fall so strongly for another. I don't think anyone would want to be in your GF's position. Tell her you want another, let her decide, or just go for the other girl but please break up with her first!

 

You'll regret it if you stay with her out of convenience.

[Little Shy]

I agree with all that Florida said. One time I was dating a guy (very much in love with him at the moment anyway) and I could just feel this chemistry bubbling up between a friend of mine & him. It was impossible to ignore.

I actually had a part time job with this girl.

One night, we were both supposed to be working together, I arrive at work, and she had called in sick.

So I left me shift a little early, went straight to my boyfriends house, and Lo! and Behold! There she was alone with my boyfriend, getting high, listening to a Miles Davis CD by the name of "The Rythym's of Love" or some crap like that!

Anyway, I had to talk to my boyfriend about it, and I knew he was attracted to her, but of course he claims he wasn't. It was so painful!

Anyhow, what's your story on all your serious back to back relationships, do you always do that?

It makes me wonder if you hadn't committed to the mediocre relationship you are in right now, immediately after breaking off from another serious relationship, and crushing hard on another girl in between, if you would have taken a break, you would have been available when this girl bounced back into town.

Anyhow, let's not forget the very serious question, on if this crush girl in question would even date you, when you more or less break off with HER friend to pursue her.

The loyalty between women around your age can be extremely high. Unless she is WAY into you and also probably a little selfish, chances are she wouldn't touch you for QUITE sometime after your break up with her friend.

That is, until she reached the "safe zone" of perhaps several months, or however long it would take your dumped present girlfriend to get over you.

And then, for that duration, you, my friend, would be alone. Could you handle that?

[expectingrain]

Anyhow, what's your story on all your serious back to back relationships, do you always do that?

It makes me wonder if you hadn't committed to the mediocre relationship you are in right now, immediately after breaking off from another serious relationship, and crushing hard on another girl in between, if you would have taken a break, you would have been available when this girl bounced back into town.

 

Man, I really love the different points of view and comments, I really really appreciate just being able to discuss this. This comment was thought provoking. Here's a little background....my previous relationship was 6 years long, and after it ended I spent a lot of time with my soon-to-be girlfriend and we ended up getting together. I was only single for about 3 months. I neglected to mention this initially because I was trying to avoid the "you need to be single for awhile" advice, which - while undeniably good advice - is not really what I'm after right now. The reason my previous relationship ended was basically that I became so enamored with girl #2 that it really made me realize how unhappy I was in my current situation. It's funny that this girl 2 is rearing her head again, only this time I would say that I AM happy with my situation, or at least was until this all popped up. I wish I could explain how I feel....just the thought of kissing, or holding, or being intimate with this girl seems so desireable to me, to the point where it almost seems like that could never happen to me. I dunno.

 

I guess I have this possibly delusional idea that if I broke things off with my girl, and then told her friend that I never stopped thinking about her, desiring her and that I just couldn't live with myself without acting on it, (so rare do I believe the connection we have to be), that she would feel likewise and throw caution and allegiances to the wind and give it a shot. Not very realistic I guess....aughgh!

 

One last point, and this could be what makes this so confusing to me: I wouldn't describe my current relationship as mediocre. I have been happy with her, we are well suited to one another, the sex is good, etc. It's just that with the way I feel now, it may be very difficult to still feel as fulfilled and satisfied. Also, Little Shy, your story of your bf and friend sounds very, very similar to what is going on with me. I think my girlfriend is well aware too, as it was common knowledge last year that we had mutual crushes on one another, and she reacted very sharply when she found out I'd been exchanging e-mails with her.

[xpaperxcutx]

Man, I really love the different points of view and comments, I really really appreciate just being able to discuss this. This comment was thought provoking. Here's a little background....my previous relationship was 6 years long, and after it ended I spent a lot of time with my soon-to-be girlfriend and we ended up getting together. I was only single for about 3 months. I neglected to mention this initially because I was trying to avoid the "you need to be single for awhile" advice, which - while undeniably good advice - is not really what I'm after right now. The reason my previous relationship ended was basically that I became so enamored with girl #2 that it really made me realize how unhappy I was in my current situation. It's funny that this girl 2 is rearing her head again, only this time I would say that I AM happy with my situation, or at least was until this all popped up. I wish I could explain how I feel....just the thought of kissing, or holding, or being intimate with this girl seems so desireable to me, to the point where it almost seems like that could never happen to me. I dunno.

 

I guess I have this possibly delusional idea that if I broke things off with my girl, and then told her friend that I never stopped thinking about her, desiring her and that I just couldn't live with myself without acting on it, (so rare do I believe the connection we have to be), that she would feel likewise and throw caution and allegiances to the wind and give it a shot. Not very realistic I guess....aughgh!

 

One last point, and this could be what makes this so confusing to me: I wouldn't describe my current relationship as mediocre. I have been happy with her, we are well suited to one another, the sex is good, etc. It's just that with the way I feel now, it may be very difficult to still feel as fulfilled and satisfied. Also, Little Shy, your story of your bf and friend sounds very, very similar to what is going on with me. I think my girlfriend is well aware too, as it was common knowledge last year that we had mutual crushes on one another, and she reacted very sharply when she found out I'd been exchanging e-mails with her.

 

If you're having doubts about being in your relationship, I think its best to end it. You don't seem like you're really happy. I think its more on the fact that you've settled into your relationship with your gf and had gotten too comfortable with the fact that you're not alone. But your constant doubts just screams you're not ready to be in a relationship for the long term.

[AussieJack]

I guess I have this possibly delusional idea that if I broke things off with my girl, and then told her friend that I never stopped thinking about her, desiring her and that I just couldn't live with myself without acting on it, (so rare do I believe the connection we have to be), that she would feel likewise and throw caution and allegiances to the wind and give it a shot. Not very realistic I guess....aughgh!

 

 

You been watching chick flicks lately?

 

However if you want to TEST the situation, why not go and talk to girl #2 and say (in sworn confidence) .."I am really in love with you and want to be with YOU most of all ".

Her reply will tell you what you need to know.

[Trialbyfire]

I haven't read anything beyond the first post but what's stopping you from moving on? It can only be beneficial for everyone involved.