BannaBee57 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I need a little advice and you guys have always been great, so here goes... I've been seeing this great guy for a month now, but we've know each other through friends for 4 years. He's recently out of a marraige so we're just kind of having fun being with each other at this point. If anything, he's been the more hot and heavy one, really sharing his feeling about me a lot. If this helps, he's in his 30's and I'm in my 20's Anyhow, this weekend I had to go out of town and he acted a little sad about it (said he'd miss me and to call the minute I'm back). He kiddingly asked me if I was going to "hook up" with anyone this weekend. I laughed it off, but the more I thought about it I realised that he's asked me this a couple times before. It was still on my mind when I went out with my sister later that night and got pretty much obliterated at the bar. I told her about the comments and she said "Well, if he thinks you're doing that then he must be doing it". Then she urged me to tell him that it wouldn't be ok with me if he we're with other people (we've never discussed exclusivity, but spend most days of the week together because we have so much fun, so I don't think he's been with anyone else yet). We'd been texting all night so, I of course texted him and said that I "wouldn't like it if you were to see other girls". He answered back, asking me where that came from. I just pretty much repeated that I wouldn't be happy if he were with other girls. He replied with "Okay. Wow". I said "Is that too much for you right now?" He then took a long time in replying (I think he fell asleep, it was 2am) So, I got a little upset and said "Never mind then, do what you want" (I know, I can't believe I said that!!). He then finally responded with "No, I'm just really tired is all". I said "Oh, ok. Sleep well and talk to you later". Upon waking up the next day I wanted to crawl in a hole when I thought about it. I waited a while and texted him saying "I kinda realised that I could have went about that discussion in a better way. I'm sorry. What I really wanted to say is I'd be sad if you still wanted to go out with other girls too". He replied with "No need to apologise". And then we had some cute banter back and forth for a while. We texted and talked throughout that day and late into the night and he seemed pretty normal, so I felt ok. But, he's been more quiet than usual today. I may be seeing him tonight. Here's the thing, I like him a lot and would like for him to not sleep with anyone else, but I don't really want us to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend as of yet, mostly because of the whole fresh out of marraige thing (I just think it's a little too soon for titles). This is where the questions comes in. Do you think he feels weird/mad/upset about what I said? Was a month too soon to have this discession? (I'm aware that I shouldn't have done it over text/drunk) And finally, should I bring it up and apologise again and explain the whole thing with my sisters advice, or should I just pretend it never happened? Thanks soo much in advance for any responses I get!
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Here's a suggestion: When issues or concerns like this arise, talk about them face to face. Simple as that. If this type subject comes up during phone/text/email, etc, just say you'd like to talk about it the next time you're together. Do you know any of his marital history? Issues leading to its end? If yes, relevance to his comments or behavior? Is he just a fun time or someone you're interested in emotionally/intellectually?
Author BannaBee57 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Thanks for your reply Yes, I know some of what happened in the marraige. Basically, it happened really fast (marriend within a year of dating) and she has some mental/emotional issues that she wouldn't deal with and they weren't getting along. She didn't want to make it work I guess. I am absolutely interested in him as more than just a fun time. He's smart, funny, gorgous and all around a perfect fit for me. I just wish we would have started this a little more down the road so I didn't have to worry about rushing or anything. I know what I should have done, but what a really want advice on is how I should proceed with this. I'm starting to drive myself nuts
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Don't give him flashbacks of his X IOW, be steady and consistent. Yes, flirty and fun, but rock steady, so he knows he can depend on you and whatever issues arise you'll work through them. Of course, don't sacrifice yourself in the process. You can extend this period to a point where he's comfortable with more intimacy and trust. The alternative IMO is letting him go with the expressed knowledge that he means a lot to you and you want him in your life when he's "ready". Perhaps you can get his feelings about that. Since you've known each other for a number of years casually, you must have occasional contact. Staying in each others sights as it were. Do you think he's ready for a relationship now? IMO, a month is pretty fast for something exclusive, but I'm an old fart To answer the last questions in your OP, I would let my future actions show my perspective regarding the night in question. Don't dwell on it. He has more life experience and takes such things with a grain of salt. Don't apologize further.
Author BannaBee57 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Thanks Carhill. I think I'll go with option one. There's no way I could voluntarily let him go now. I wouldn't apologise any more about it, but I would like to get his feelings on the matter at some point in the future.
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