reelwoman Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Hi, all-- I need some advice big time. My ex and I broke up about a year ago, both dated other people and now are both unattached again. Even when we were both seeing other people, we hung out (usually in a group but a couple of times alone) and it was clear we still both had feelings for each other and everyone told me he was still talking about me, saying how much he "admires" me and "respects" me. Once we went out (when we were both still involved with others) and he did try to kiss me and told me he still thinks I'm "the most beautiful, brilliant woman" he's ever known and all that. I wouldnt let him kiss, me, though. So last Novemeber, we both broke up with the people we were seeing ( not because of each other, for other reasons) and he is going through a terrible time with his ex, who seems kind of psycho. She was always insanely jealous of me, and apparently told him that she felt she was living under my shadow the whole time they were together ( about 7 months). She has been jerking him around, telling hims he wants him back but only if he will guarantee her marriage within a year. She got a new BF the DAY AFTER they broke up and has been saying that she won't break up with him until and unless she gets a solid commitment from my ex. He is starting to see that she was manipulating him, etc, and pushing things to go too fast, and that she's insanely insecure and needy. BUT he still is not over her, is kind of sexually obsessed with her, and though she texts him all the time, won't tell her not to even though he keeps saying he wishes she would stop. So he and I have been spending a LOT of time together, and it's been very romantic and now he just asks me to do everything with him, like it's assumed that I will be his date for things, and he's very romantic and wants to hold hands, hug, etc. We agreed that we shouldnt sleep together while he is still somewhat entangled with this other woman, but it's getting more and more difficult not to. Finally I told him we need to stop spending so much time together and there shouldnt be ANY hand-holding or ANYTHING because it's too confusing, he might STILL go back to her if she wanted him to, and he is clearly not ready to be fully present in a relationship with anyone else. He keeps telling me how amazing I am, how understnading, bla bla bla, and we have intense chemistry, have a ton of fun together, etc. So my question is this: some of my friends have said that if he and I just said, OK, we ARE together, and started sleeping together again and being a couple, he would get over her a lot faster and it wouldnt be such a big deal. My instinct is to say, no way, he needs to be TOTALLY over her and SURE that he would never go back to her if she asked BEFORE I sleep with him again. I don't want to feel like the backup plan, or the consolation prize. I don't doubt that his feelings for me are real, because he is NOT trying to get me into bed, and he is trying to do this right. But I still feel very insecure, especially since he was the one who broke up with me. I feel like I need for him to come and ask me to come back to him, not just fall into being together because it's easy and convenient. So what do you all think? Am I being unrealistic? Do you really think that he would be more likely to fall back in love with me and forget about her if we started sleeping together, or is it better to wait? He has been SO respectful of my feelings; he's not a player or anything like that. But I feel like, they broke up 4 months ago, come ON and get over it! thanks for any input!
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