TheseWounds Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 (edited) This may be a little long, but I'll try and make it as short and vague as possible, for length's sake. The below may get a little personal, but I feel background is needed to give others more insight. I have chosen to remain a single virgin, and it has been 22 years thus far. The reason why is because I believe in love wholeheartedly, and I've always wanted and needed something 100% serious. I've always had trouble with the opposite sex, but I'm beginning to think that it's really them and that I have nothing to do with my singledom. Of course I could have gotten with just a nobody (both relationship-wise and sexually), but I've chosen to be single until I find something serious. Girls around my age usually don't know what they want -- either that, or they are just childish in a way (because of age) and aren't capable of wanting something serious just yet. Which brings me to my problem... There was a girl who contacted me on the internet and we have as of yet to meet. She started being very distant after the first month of speaking, and after she finally came back and contacted me again, she told me that she didn't want to lead me on, for multiple reasons. She had just gotten out of a relationship and she went years boyfriend-to-boyfriend, wants to stay single for now, is upping her standards, and is looking for something more serious now (someone with the potential of marrying). She also says that she is very confused and unsure of herself romantically. The detail of it is this. It will be short and vague since I could go on forever. I have had multiple dreams about her, and one of them was symbolic for her being here for me at this time in my life. I completely, completely unloaded my entire life on her, and a lot of it was very spiritual and philosophical. I needed to vent, and I just completely let loose on her. This may have been a bad thing since I've given a LOT of myself to her, but she hasn't given very much back. I'm not sure. She said that she believes in fate to a certain extent, and that it was felt on both sides -- that we met, and that she'd never had this happen before (I haven't either). She told me that she sees things in me that she hasn't seen in any other person, ever, and that I have some kind of wisdom and insight. That I have shown her nothing but unconditional love and compassion, that only her parents have given her... and that she needs me as a friend because there are things that she can't say to anyone else. She is still being very distant, and why this is, I'm not sure. She says that she is just very busy with school and ongoings in her life, but I'm not sure what to make of it... She knows that I'm here and need a friend because of circumstances going on in my life, and it's typical of her to go a couple of weeks without saying hello. If not, it's usually 5 days - a week or so. I find that she is ignoring me in a way because messages and voicemails go ignored, when she pretty much knows that I'm contacting her. I've needed a friend badly due to ongoings in my life as I said, but she isn't there when I need her. I'm not sure what to think of it. All of this has to do with us being friends first and foremost. If she isn't here for me -- being a friend, what am I supposed to think of it? Attention is very hard to get from her. We've made it a plan to meet in the future, but I'm not sure what's going on in her head about all of this. Basically, considering everything that she said -- about the things she sees in me, do you think that I should worry about her being so distant right now as far as being a close friend? As far as the relationship thing, she said "You're better than any of them", in reference to the guys that weren't good enough for her, the guys that were great but she didn't give a chance with, and the guys she's actually been with. I'm not sure what to make of all of it. If I can't have her as a friend, I don't know what to think of it. Someone told me that if she has said all that she has about me, that there is at least something there that she sees in me. The being distant thing worries me... I know that this is only on the net, and the thing that I'm worried about in the end is that we will never meet, or even speak on the internet. Chances for anything? What are your thoughts? The best advice is what to actually do in this situation. I've contacted her an awful lot, and she hasn't shown very much in return. Should I just lay low from now on and let her get back in touch with me when she's ready? I fear that if I'm not the one doing the contacting, that she'll never come around. If she really does have at least something for me, at least as a good friend, is it inevitable that she WILL come through someday, and I should just lay low? I'm a mess. Edited March 16, 2008 by TheseWounds
Author TheseWounds Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Any advice would be appreciated.
blackbird Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 My perspective, from what you've shared, is that you've idealized a serious romantic relationship so much that when you finally felt like the potential to connect with someone on that level came into your life, you got obsessive and needy, fast. However much you feel like you may know someone from online conversations, you do not and cannot really know her if you have never met. You do not have a 'relationship' and you are obsessing like you do. Stop putting so much weight and importance on her. Stop contacting her so much. Let her make the next move. And if she never does, it will not be the end of your world.
Author TheseWounds Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Let her make the next move. And if she never does, it will not be the end of your world. This is the exact stance that I'm taking. Thanks for the reply. I did give a lot of myself to her, and now I know I shouldn't have. I was getting very emotional because of family matters, but now it's over and I'm getting better. It won't be the end of my world as you said and I'm already moving on, but a part of me still wants to know what she thinks, and if there is any chance of her ever 'coming around' for me. If she does, I'm not going to be the one giving so much of myself, this time =)
blackbird Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 This is the exact stance that I'm taking. Thanks for the reply. I did give a lot of myself to her, and now I know I shouldn't have. I was getting very emotional because of family matters, but now it's over and I'm getting better. Cool. It won't be the end of my world as you said and I'm already moving on, but a part of me still wants to know what she thinks, and if there is any chance of her ever 'coming around' for me. I don't know, I'm not psychic. If she does, I'm not going to be the one giving so much of myself, this time =) Giving a lot of yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing. But giving of yourself also doesn't only mean dumping everything you've wanted to vent at someone. Giving can also mean being there for the other person, listening to THEIR thoughts, doing your part in a meaningful dialogue and not just delivering a monologue, however precious and sacred the contents of your monologue might seem to you. I wouldn't be surprised if you scared her off because you didn't seem really interested in HER so much as your ideal of having a romantic relationship where YOU could share your innermost thoughts and feelings and have them validated. Your original post leads me to think (from my completely unprofessional point of view) that you have issues with intimacy and a combination of high egotism and low self-esteem that you might think about.
Author TheseWounds Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Giving a lot of yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing. But giving of yourself also doesn't only mean dumping everything you've wanted to vent at someone. Giving can also mean being there for the other person, listening to THEIR thoughts, doing your part in a meaningful dialogue and not just delivering a monologue, however precious and sacred the contents of your monologue might seem to you. She knows that I'm always here for her, and that I want to listen. I've actually stressed -- very much so -- that she can tell me anything, and everything that she needs to. She told me that she needs me in the way that there are things that she can't talk with anyone else about, even her parents. I wouldn't be surprised if you scared her off because you didn't seem really interested in HER so much as your ideal of having a romantic relationship where YOU could share your innermost thoughts and feelings and have them validated. Your original post leads me to think (from my completely unprofessional point of view) that you have issues with intimacy and a combination of high egotism and low self-esteem that you might think about. She actually told me that I am the one that let her hurt this time. I did nothing but take care of her when she needed it most, and she has always had a problem with guys coming to her for their own selfish reasons. I was always there, and let her be the one that hurt, and helped HER, and not vice versa like it has always been. The high egotism and self esteem thing... I must admit that I change on a daily basis. I do truly believe -- deep down -- that I am a very great thing, for a lot of reasons. This part of me will never disappear. However, it is very difficult to not get down on yourself about things and even have feelings of worthlessness when emotional support has been nonexistent throughout your life. The intimacy issue... I've never been intimate with someone, and a part of me needs this very much so, especially at this time in my life. I'm emotionally starved, but please understand that this was beyond my control.
Author TheseWounds Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) There is another question that I wish to present, and it's something that I've been dying to do. We both do feel that something was felt on both sides. Is it a good idea to admit a bit of a fault here though? I want to tell her that I did try and have a bit more than she was able to provide, that I did give too much of myself too soon, and that I was just an emotional wreck considering circumstances in my life.. and that I'm cooling down now. And that I'm always here for her, and I need her as a friend, etc. It will be sort-of an apology, but this time in my life was really beyond my control, and I think she will understand. I want her at least as a friend, because I definitely need no enemies at this point. I don't want to lose her, as a friend. I do admit that I was a bit at fault here, but it was really beyond my control (I had a death in the family). If she doesn't understand and this will keep her away, there is nothing that I can do. And in fact, if she doesn't understand and she holds a grudge, maybe this would be an inclination that she isn't someone for me. Admitting that you're at fault (at least to some extent) will do one of two things, I am guessing. Show someone that you do apologize for it and that you are strong enough to admit your faults because you do want to fix them, or completely make yourself look bad and have the other person taking it and viewing it as a no-good quality -- give them a reason to stay away. I prefer to be honest here. In fact, a part of me wants to tell her that I may have completely ruined anything and everything, and that I am very embarrassed. Her personality is very distant, and mine was just the opposite (because come on, I had a death in the family...). I want to say this because I fear that I've lost her all together. It hurts to know that I may have ruined it, because of the way that I was. It was beyond my control, but it's over now. Edited March 19, 2008 by TheseWounds
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