Partner still searches on dating sight for other women

[amiblind42]

My Life Partner (42) of 15 months is still actively searching through is on line dating/personals account. (its the same one he had when we met)He insists that he is happy with our relationship and doesn't want anyone else but I just can't wrap my head around why he is still actively searching. He has even gone so far as to receive phone numbers form some of the women and has been texting them as well in hopes to meet them.

Sex life has declined in the past few months, as he is just not interested any more. We have discussed it and he states if he wasn't happy he certainly would not be with me. He stated he just has alot on his mind (child support and his job)...

He is affectionate out of the bed, but I just can't seem to get him back to where we were. And now that I see he is still pursuing other women I find myself resenting him.

X husband had the same issues, lied throughout our entire marriage about other women and he divorced me after 14 years claiming he was not happy. So I certainly do have some trust issues.

How should I call him on the personals add issue?

If he is so happy with how things are with us I can't imagine him searching for someone else...

any advice would be so greatful..I am so lost.

[carhill]

Yes, talk to him. Tell him what you want.

 

Do you live together?

 

How long has he been divorced? You? How long after your respective prior relationships ended did you start dating?

[amiblind42]

Yes we have been living together for 15 months out of the 2 years we have been together.

I was divorced for about a year before I met him and he was about 2 years past his divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you're very right to be concerned. Neither I nor any of the other people I know that are happy in their relationships are "actively searching" for new partners. At the very least, it's unsettling and disrespectful of your current partner. That's one issue...

 

The second - and to me, bigger - issue is that he continues to do so despite your feelings. Is this a preview of how he's going to every major issue between you? If so, I doubt that you'll want to do life with this partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Do you have someplace you can go for a month? Family?

 

If you tell him specifically what is bothering you in your exclusive live-in relationship, and he isn't willing to accommodate you on it, I'd give him a month-long silence sandwich to think about it. If he's not into you and goes after those others, then you have your answer; if he is into you, he'll heed your very reasonable request and communicate that to you.

 

You can't control him, only how you react to him. Hopefully others will have easier to follow advice

[amiblind42]

I can only control how I react to him.

I wish I had somewhere to go for a month but I don't.

Yes I wonder about the "life partner" deal, as he seems to enjoy using that term regarding our relationship.

He doesn't go out to bars and spends any free time he has either with me or his two boys two days a week.

SO I am not sure when he has any time to meet any of these women.

Maybe he is just enjoying the fact that other women are still interested in him. I don't know.

He has a habit of teasing me when it comes to our sex life. He flirts and fondles but then falls asleep instead of following through. Lately it has been me initiating anything happening. I am getting quite frustrated and have also told him it is not nice to tease if he isn't serious. He aplogized but still has a habit of doing it.

I am just not sure how to bring up the dating sight.

[carhill]

I am just not sure how to bring up the dating site.

 

Just leave it up on the computer screen

 

As to the other sexual issues, I'm actively wondering if he's into you. It sure would be nice if he could be open and honest. I can see titillating my wife during dinner and not doing anything about it, but not in bed.

 

It's likely not healthy that he doesn't have outside interests or friendships. Guys need that, even relative loners like myself.

 

He may just be getting an innocent ego boost, but the package is frustrating the heck out of you. Are you really a captive there? No options to get some space? That's hard

 

I hope someone else has some ideas 'cause I'm fresh out....

[SoleMate]

Your "Life Partner"??

 

How do you figure that he is your life partner? Sounds like a short term bf who is an active player. You may have found YOUR "life partner" but it's clear he's STILL LOOKING for his.....

[Immortalone]

Sounds like for some reason there is something missing for him. Some how he is not feeling wanted, needed or desired by you. May not be anything you have done or not done. It simply may be some fantisy he has built up in his mind of what he needs to feel wanted and desired. You need to sit down and talk to him. Ask him what he needs and tell him what you need. The two of you may find that your desires are the same but you have just gotten off on two diffrent roads on getting it.

[amiblind42]

Yes it certainly get the conversation going...

And yes I plan on sitting down and talking to him about "our" needs.

Some of the women I have noticed he has viewed also have children, and I do not. That concerns me. I get along wonderfully with his boys and he has even stated that we do. But regardless I should talk to him about it.

Sometimes I feel foolish for being having such desires for him. Also I was wondering if he likes the thrill of the chase (don't we all) and since we are living together the chase is over....so sets in familiarity and perhaps boredom?

[luvstarved]

Hmmmm...hard to tell. If his whereabouts are always known and you are not seeing any other evidence, it is possible it is just a little online game he plays.

 

If my marriage were suddenly perfect tomorrow (LOLOLOLOL) I would probably still show up here and see what was going on with others.

 

I am sure before he met you that this was a very frequent activity of his...

 

But at some point you do need to talk to him about it. Like carhill said, just leave it up on the screen and see if he says anything. If not, just 'fess up to whatever happened that caused you to know he was still doing this...maybe ask him if he ever looked at this stuff when he was married before...

 

His reaction alone to the subject should tell you volumes...but don't mistake embarrassment for guilt.

 

If you don't think you can confront him on it, then maybe get a keylogger to find out just what he is writing to the other women...just flirting...or...making plans???

[Trialbyfire]

I've yet to see where he's willing to meet any of your needs.

• He cruises dating sites and is remorseless. Basically, he's saying "Eat it.".
  
• He teases and fondles but when you bring up the issue of following through, he apologizes but continues to do this.
  

What you need to do is to start judging him by his actions, not by the patter he produces. He's essentially saying that your needs don't matter to him.

[amiblind42]

I have decided to try the keylogger and will see what it produces...

But I will also talk to him about it. I just don't peg him for the player type again as he calls me 3 times a day from work and always comes straight home. So I am not sure what he is accomplishing by doing this perhaps it is an ego thing.

But regardless a talk is in order

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't tell him about the keylogger, but definately talk to him again. Also, him calling you 3x a day and coming home straight from work doesn't mean he's NOT up to no good.

 

Your opening post said ALOT and honestly, it seems he's either playing around for ego reasons to see if he still 'has it' or he's addicted to the actual excitement that this brings by checking out dating sites. Either way, it's affecting your relationship, you feel resentful and things will continue to get worse until something changes.

[Trialbyfire]

You can talk all you want but you'd better be prepared to back up tough talk with serious and consistent action. Otherwise, it's two-way patter.

[littletoes]

HI there. I Must say that I shall encourage you to talk to him about certain issues and ask him up front whats going on. I'm going through the same thing but I dont live with the person so it makes things a little harder for me. Why don't you make a fake profile and start talking to him and see if the bugger bites the bait.............. If he bites the bait!!!!!! Then Bam!!!!!!!!!!! Hes caught and now it's up to you to figure out whats up. I wanted to say that I havent found the courage to tell him but I have the proof of this person who told me whats up. So now hes acting strange in terms of his actions please read my Posts. I would really love to chat with you.

[amiblind42]

I have started with a little adjustment with myself to see if he would pick up on it or just ignore the change in my behavior. I have been distant, uninterested and not so engaging lately.(when I am ususally following him around like a lost puppy)... Well he has commented that he is getting a "vibe" from me and wants to talk about it later. I have the keylogger up and running (he has no clue) but he hasn't been on the computer amazingly enough in the past week after I discovered the site.

So I am anxious to see if he visits it again. I told him I was going out this evening with a friend of mine to see a movie (which I did plan on and am still doing) but he jumped up and said for the two of us to go see a movie instead. So last night we went out and caught a flick together and it was nice for a change. He has called me throughout the day to remind me that he loves me very much and he always looks forward to coming home to me....

So perhaps he is really picking up on something. He is a kind person and does not have an angry bone in his body that I can see so I think the talk will be a productive one. I am not sure I want to hit him with an ultimatum its either ME or the dating sight...as that is a bit childish. But I will let him know that if he keeps pursuing women on there perhaps I need to do the same and then we will see where our relationship goes.

Again not as a threat or in a mean way, but I will let him know that there is no use in me hanging on to him if he is interested in other women. And then I will see what he says (does)...

[carhill]

Good news. Thanks for sharing

[Habibti]

Okay bless your heart, but IMHO when they say it takes a lot of work to make relationships and marriages work- I don't think playing actress or sherlock holmes is exactly the intent.People shouldn't need to "act" distant or disinterested or play detective to find out what their SO is up too.

 

Firstly, let me address something- you two seem to have some odd unhealthy patterns indicative by the remarks about you typically following him around like a lost puppy- and other than his online roaming-he probably does about the same. What relevance does that have to your question? Well, it just signals to me that this relationship is very needy and perhaps isn't about who you're with as much as having someone. That is an attitude you both at least appear to be reciprocating.A fire cannot exist without some oxygen- and neither can a healthy,strong relationship. As important as it to spend time and be intimate with eachother- it is equally important that you have validation and identity outside of that relationship.

 

 

I can only go on what you share of course, but this seems like a very immature relationship. He's going online, disrespecting you and trolling for women while adamantly declaring his love and devotion for you and you are trying to play detective and using mind tricks to evoke response and interraction from him.This situation is completely hopeless and only stands to remain in the cycle of dysfunction-if not dissolution UNLESS you two are both willing to see the forest through the trees about a few things. You need a life outside of your relationship and so does he- apparently he seems to think that life is with other women or perhaps that's his clumsy grapple in the dark because he's feeling for the need for it but may not be used to it and isn't all that sure about what fulfillment he is seeking. You also need a life apart from him- you are not a lost puppy, do not attempt to emulate one. You are also not an actress- when things distress you in your relationship be adult enough to lay them on the table and then discuss them, that is the only true way you'll find resolution. Playing mind games won't get you any closer to solution than where you started it will only possibly stand to bring about a few band-aid results for the time being.

[jeanniebeanni]

the samething was happening between my mom and dad... they talked it over and he finaly stoped...

[amiblind42]

I left him alone for a few hours as I had dinner with a friend of mine last night and there is no activity on the computer. I was quite surprised as he had ample time (about 3 hours) to do some major surfing.but nothing....

He was very happy to see me when I got home and made me a wonderful desert while I was out...

[Blue Eyed Brain]

It sounds like things maybe working out, but this is a big problem. For whatever reason, you do not complete his needs (not your fault). He may have so many internal issues that his insecurity is driving him to view, react and engage in this sort of banter. He is emotionally taking himself out of the relationship and temporary will comeback to make you feel at ease; but if it's in him, it will reappear every time and you will be hurt, each time.

 

This is a pattern that occurs when one person is not satisfied. Please prepare yourself for anything. Don't get hurt do to a small gesture or a promise. Protect your heart.

[ladyintights]

he's with you until the next best thing lets him get a lick.

you're not satisfying him.

[amiblind42]

Than I wonder why he is still here?

We aren't married so he is free to leave if he decides to. He has mentioned to me many times that he is an incredibly lucky man to have someone like me, but then again that is what my X said (he would tell me I was TOO good for him)..He tells me I am incredible in bed and that he sometimes can't believe that I am still with him. I asked a couple of my male friends and they both have mentioned insecurity and low self esteem. Although I just don't understand it as he is so incredibly handsome and intelligent but I guess it can happen to anyone.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Ami, most men don't leave if they don't have to. It doesn't mean he's madly in love with you and can't live without you - it's all about comfort, security, familiarity and downright laziness. If your partner were to move out, then he wouldn't have you catering to his every need while he pursues his 'shopping for a better deal' slimebag behavior. It's so much easier having YOU doing the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the shopping, the meal planning, changing the bed, scrubbing the toilets, providing a warm 'center' for him to come home to and on and on and on. Most men simply don't want to leave that because they're too damned lazy to do their own stuff and too damned afraid to be without a mommy to wipe their ass for them. Sorry guys, but it's true and we all know it.

 

I honestly can't believe that you're being advised to 'talk to him' and 'tell him how you feel.'

Jesus. Anyone with an IQ of over 12 knows full well that his scumbag behavio is NOT acceptable and goes against the boundaries of a supposedly committed relationship. Do you honestly think he needs to be 'talked to' because he's UNAWARE of what kind of a*sshole he is and your talk with him is going to give him an epiphany and he'll realize the error of his ways?

Please.

 

He knows exactly what he's doing and he also knows full WELL that it's wrong.

 

He's acting like a damned fool and doing it on your dime. Boot his worthless ass out.