Suprise breakup, long story.

[riverdale stomp]

I've browsed around this website for a little while, and basically know what kind of replies I'm going to get, but I guess I'll put up my story anyway. Any insight or opinions would be appreciated.

 

About four years ago I met a girl online. We became very close friends, and began talking on the phone as well. Two years after that, we decided to try a relationship since we both had feelings for each other. Obviously for the time being it would be long distance, since I live in Chicago, and she lives in Berkeley, CA.

 

For the past two years we've been in this relationship. It's been the happiest time of my life, and I know that she was very much in love with me as well. However, several problems did come up.

 

1) The distance is obviously an issue. I had an opportunity to move to be with her at one point, but she felt it was too early. Currently I'm not in a situation in which I can move, so for a while she was trying to find a new job in Chicago, which leads to problem 2...

 

2) Her job. She is an artist and designer for a large fashion company. She loves her work, but it's extremely high pressure. At one point she actually broke up with me because she felt she couldn't devote time to her job and her relationship. She felt miserable though, missed me terribly, and wanted me back, so I forgave her and we resumed the relationship for several more months.

 

3) Possibly the biggest issue, are her personal issues and her past. As a child, she was raped by a family member for several years of her life in her own home. A previous boyfriend when she was a teenager attempted to murder her by pouring bleach down her throat and beating her senseless. She's lucky to be alive. She also has several physical problems, including a heart condition, kidney problems, several potentially lethal allergies, and anorexic and bulimic tendencies.

 

Although she has been in counseling for years, she will likely never be 100% over her issues. I would never leave her because of her past, but it has caused several problems in the relationship. She often lashes out against me when I've done nothing wrong, and projects her anger, sadness, or fear onto me. Although she later realizes what she's done and apologizes in tears, the same problems keep happening. She has trust issues at times which is only to be expected. However, worst of all, I think deep down she just doesn't love herself.

 

I've always been there for her, and want to be there for the rest of her life. There were times when she wanted the same, as we had discussed plans for a long time about moving, marriage, and our life together.

 

Now comes the breakup issue...

 

Up until February, I thought we were doing okay. She had just had a visit at the end of January, and on Valentines day she sent me a gift and told me "happy 'I love you to death' day". She was still calling me her "sweet prince" and all the usual affectionate stuff. After that I hadn't heard from her for about two weeks, but found out that she was in the hospital with a serious kidney infection.

 

When she got out, she told me that a friend of hers had confessed his love for her, and that she was very confused. She assured me that they were just friends though.

 

Last week, I found out they were now more than "just friends". She told me that she could no longer be with me. She told me that I didn't make her happy, that he "kept her on her toes", and understood her better than I did. She said I treated animals better than human beings (I have no idea what that's supposed to mean) and that she didn't want to speak to me anymore.

 

This whole thing really just confused the hell out of me, and I have no idea how it happened. This is really not like her. She told me I was the first person that she ever loved, that I was the only real family she had, and often cried over the thought of me leaving her or finding someone else.

 

I don't know how serious things are with this new guy. Fortunately I've been smart enough not to beg and plead. Although I miss her terribly and want her back, I haven't spoken to her, written her, or called since the breakup last week.

 

I know a lot of people will say that a long distance relationship can't work, but It has for the past two years, and in the near future, I probably could have been in a position to move again anyway.

 

I also know a lot of people will say she has too many issues for a relationship, but I don't think she's "damaged goods", and I think she's worthy of love. I also know that she's capable of loving too. In the years that I've known her, she's been the most caring, affectionate, romantic, and wonderful person I've ever known.

 

Anyway, thank you to anyone who read all the way through this. If you have any questions you'd like me to clarify, feel free to ask. I'd also like any input you all have.

 

Thank you.

[carhill]

Of course she's worthy of love. So are you. You gave her a lot of yourself.

 

How many times in the last four years have you been together in person? Were you ever sexually active with her?

 

You sound like you have a balanced perspective. NC will work for you. Welcome and keep us posted

[riverdale stomp]

We've been together in person many times. I'd have a hard time guessing a specific number, but both of us have visited each other for several weekends, and in a few cases for a week or two at a time when we had that much time free, especially around holidays. During those visits, we would live at each other's places, we didn't have hotels or anything.

 

We have been sexually active for most of our relationship, and it has been very open, (in terms of telling each other what we like and dislike, what we'd like to try and what our fantasies are, etc.) and very enjoyable for both of us.

Edited March 16, 2008 by riverdale stomp
spelling

[carhill]

OK, pretty normal LDR.

 

About how old are you?

 

During the relationship, has she gone off on you like this before?

 

Overall, would you say she has been meeting your expressed needs in the relationship? If not, why?

 

Did she ever receive medical treatment for her psychological issues (beyond counseling)? If yes, is it ongoing?

 

I ask the last because a good friend is on meds for some similar issues and her behavior/personality can change markedly depending on her med regimen and attentiveness to schedule. If similar, I can empathize with you...

 

You have a significant history with her and I doubt she would dump you just like that with no backstory. Some of her comments sounded non-sensical, hence my interest in her psych regimen. I'd give NC some time and heal the current hurt. My instinct is you'll hear from her again.

[riverdale stomp]

We are both 21. I purposely left our ages out of this at first because I don't think our age gives a very accurate representation of the situation. Due to problems with her family mentioned earlier, and other issues including a death in the family, she has been living on her own and supporting herself since she was about 17. She also has far more responsibility at work than most people her age. She has grown up fast. I myself am graduating from college a year early, live by myself and pay my own bills, and have a fairly well paying job. So yes, we are young, but please do not dismiss the situation.

 

As I mentioned in the first post, she did leave me once before last year, when she felt she couldn't handle both her job and her relationship at the same time. She later came back though and apologized, and wanted to continue the relationship. This however is the first and only time I've had any reason to believe there was another guy involved. Up until now she has told me that I was the only person she wanted, and that there would never be anyone else for her, and she has demonstrated this through her actions as well. That's why this situation with the new guy is so strange.

 

In general I feel like we both satisfied each other's needs. I am by no means perfect, and I have made mistakes, but I believe that I've done everything in my power to support her and make her happy. Likewise, I've been very happy with her overall. As I mentioned in the first post, she sometimes lashes out at me when I've done nothing wrong. Those are the only times she really hurts me and makes me unhappy. However, I try to keep it in perspective considering her past, and considering the fact that she realizes what she does, apologizes, and is trying to change. When fights have come up regarding that or anything else, we have always worked through them, and come out stronger afterwards in my opinion.

 

She has received anti-depressant medication in the past, but does not use it now, and has not for a very long time. She has never found a medication that did not have serious physical side affects, or just turn her into a zombie. I don't believe she's taken any psychological medication for many years.

[carhill]

Does she occasionally or often seem like she's two different people? The one who says the non-sensical and often mean things and then the apologetic loving person? Have you noted a pattern to this, time-wise? Is the realization immediate, or does it come much later?

 

Of course, none of this works your issue, but it's nice to have background of your interaction.

 

At 21, even if a mature 21, you've had this relationship for a good portion of your life. Perhaps she is your life partner, perhaps not. Since she has instituted this break, I will echo my affirmation of your NC policies and suggest you continue them. She will contact you in the future. At that point, you'll have to decide what's best for you. Right now, it appears the relationship is decidedly about her.

 

I applaud you for your maturity. One day at a time

[riverdale stomp]

I suppose in some ways she can act like two different people. I wouldn't consider it a Jekyll and Hyde situation, but she certainly has moments where she is impatient and mean, and others where she is not. I don't know if she's significantly different than anyone else in that respect though, as everyone has moments when they lose their temper and don't act like themselves. I think for the majority of the time, she's the sweet and caring person I know and love.

 

I definitely intend on not contacting her. I think it's highly possible that she could try to get in contact with me again, but I don't know if I should try again or not. I love her and want to make things work, but leaving me for someone else is really serious. I don't know if I could trust her the same way again. I'm scared of moving out to be with her and then having her pull the same stunt again, leaving me stranded alone far from home. Or maybe getting married and having a house and kids, and having the same situation come up again in five or ten years.

 

If she does call me, what should I do? Is leaving someone for another person something that should be forgiven? If I still have feelings for her and she apologizes, should I try again or just cut my losses?

[carhill]

In your situation, with no legal commitment, you're the final arbiter of the relationship from your perspective. Marriages/relationships have survived infidelity, but we're talking break-up here, even though tainted somewhat by the "friend".

 

IMO, if she contacts you, if you are receptive, listen to what she has to say but don't open a dialogue right away. Digest it and the tone in which it was offered. I think NC will help you clarify your feelings and perspective and, if you choose not to move on, how you will interact with her in the future.

 

Hopefully some other LS'ers who've been through your situation can offer their experience

[riverdale stomp]

If I never end up hearing back from her, when do you feel is an appropriate time to go on the offensive and try to contact her? A few months? A year? Never? This of course is under the assumption that I was to retry the relationship, which at this point I do. While I realize that "getting over her" is a necessary plan B, and possibly the only end result, I haven't given up hope yet.

[carhill]

I'm no authority, but, if it were me, I'd pursue other options with NC in place if and, if my mind was still on her after six months, attempt one contact via the most common/stable method you used. If no response, move on with the satisfaction that you tried.

 

I'll share an anecdote....

 

I ended an EA (I was OM) about 15 years ago because I couldn't take the emotional stress anymore. It took me years to push this person (who was my best female friend at the time) out of my mind. I later got married and pretty much had forgotten about her. Under a lot of stress (my mom has Alzheimer's), last year I sent her an unsigned BD card with a handwritten note and my web site URL to an address I found on the internet (different than years ago). A month later the phone rings and a voice I hadn't heard in years yet knew immediately says "hello, remember me". She had recognized my handwriting and looked my business web site up, which had a phone number. Yep, there ya go. It was like the years had not existed. We're platonic friends now, both being in relationships with others, but that connection is still there.

 

So, let her go and see what life brings. I never say never anymore

[riverdale stomp]

What do EA and OM mean?

[strife]

If I never end up hearing back from her, when do you feel is an appropriate time to go on the offensive and try to contact her? A few months? A year? Never? This of course is under the assumption that I was to retry the relationship, which at this point I do. While I realize that "getting over her" is a necessary plan B, and possibly the only end result, I haven't given up hope yet.

 

I tried breaking up with my ex early in our relationship when I felt insecure and was afraid to lose him. I thought it'd be easier on me if I had control over the situation and could make the future certain by breaking up. We took a break and I decided insecurity wasn't a good enough reason (on my own) and initiated contact to reconcile.

 

Maybe the hospitalization brought the LDR into a different perspective and it was really hard for her to deal with it. Maybe she did want you to move to be near her but didn't want to carry the feeling of having "forced" you to relocate and adapt to a new environment.

 

Should you forgive her for being with someone else? That is really up to you, and depends on your situation. You know your situation best. It seems like she was honest with you and told you how she felt as soon as she knew herself. I say "no" for cheaters though. I've never met a one time only cheater. Though she may not have cheated in this situation, it could still be a repeat behavior. You question this yourself. It's a risk. Whether you try again may be based on your threshold for pain. It could happen again, or it could be smooth sailing.

 

I have contemplated many of the same questions you have. My ex hasn't started dating yet, but if he broke up with me to date other people, will he want to date other people again after we get back together? I could forgive him for dating other people once, but could I ever truly believe that he will want to be with ONLY me for the rest of his life after that? Having that pain and loss of trust in the relationship would probably taint it too much for reconciliation. I still don't know what I would actually do, because he still hasn't started dating, and still hasn't called to reconcile.

 

The offensive - contemplated this as well. This is one of the few times in life where fighting less could feel more rewarding. I think my ex could have been convinced to stay with me, but I couldn't ask knowing that there was even the tiniest feeling that he wanted to initiate a breakup with me. To know he wants it to work all on his own, I'd have to wait for him to contact me. And it would give me more faith than if I had to do the convincing. This isn't a case of her not knowing how much you love and care for her. This isn't a case of you needing to apologize or reassuring her that you want it to work. Like carhill says, 6 months is a good amount of time to wait before you revisit your own feelings. If you feel like playing offense at that time, consider whether she already knows you're available for her and whether things are going well with the new guy.

 

I still have hope left, a tiny bit. Maybe in 5 years? For now I'm going Plan B. If you fell in love once, you can fall in love again years later if it's meant to be.