nitabean Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Hey everyone, looking for some more advice here please. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We have already made the decision to be exclusive back in January and besides a few stragglers on his end that has been the case. Now it seems that he knows he's "got me" and has gotten into a normal kind of routine with me. Normal is good dont get me wrong but it is like he knows i am not going anywhere and he has stopped trying. Example, one of the people that has recently joined the circle of friends that we both have I have known for bout 20 years. We were talking about doing some stuff to my house and he looked at my BF and said "I am going to give her my number but I am not trying to take your girl.." the BF response was "oh im not worried about that!". It kind of took me back for a second, made me think. What can I do to pull back a little to make him take notice without doing too much and destroying what we have so far?
eric82 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 so let me get this straight, your boyfriend didn't get all jealous, possessive, and controlling when a friend asked for his permission to give you his phone number by clearly explaining his intentions, and you're taking this to mean that your boyfriend is taking you for granted? has it occurred to you that maybe this shows that your boyfriend trusts you and believes in the relationship? how would you have rather he react, told the guy, "no you can't have her phone number, she's mine!"?
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 What can I do to pull back a little to make him take notice without doing too much and destroying what we have so far? Here we go with the "I am a princess and I deserve a man to fawn over me ".... Lady, you need to find some GRATITUDE for having a good man and quit whining like a teenage brat.
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 He doesn't "got you", you've merely agreed to date each other exclusively. No relationship is cast in stone. Like the relaxed confident male he is, he viewed your 20 year male friend as just that, and shared some humor about it. Keeper!
sam light Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 you're one of those women who like for their BF's to be jealous. Bet you bait him all the time.
Author nitabean Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 WOW......thanks for everyones honesty.....but this is why i come here...i never thought of it in the ways that you put it! Definitely made me look at things differently! I dont want him to be jealous trust me on that...i dont do things intentionally I just dont want to lose him and I am afraid if things get to complacent that he will get bored and walk away.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 If you want to bring the excitement back, and keep him on his toes.....don't call him. Let him call you. Don't contact him in any way. Let him do it all the time. He calls for a date tomorrow night? throw him off and tell him you have plans with girlfriends. You need to keep this up to keep the guy on his toes or he will take you for granted and be complacent. He needs the challenge, give it to him. You will thank me later for this advice, it will drive him crazy with desire for you and you will get phone calls and he will be dying to see you.
AussieJack Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) If you want to bring the excitement back, and keep him on his toes.....don't call him. Let him call you. Don't contact him in any way. Let him do it all the time. He calls for a date tomorrow night? throw him off and tell him you have plans with girlfriends. You need to keep this up to keep the guy on his toes or he will take you for granted and be complacent. He needs the challenge, give it to him. You will thank me later for this advice, it will drive him crazy with desire for you and you will get phone calls and he will be dying to see you. This is priceless !! Excellent advice to the girl , Devilette Advocatus. THis is exactly what "empowered women" would do . Women who know how to set their value highly should make a man "work for her time and attention". It says so in a recent book, as I recall. We men need to accept that women are favoring us with their affection ,and that we should never forget this. Have some gratitude boys - a good woman is one who does not follow you , instead YOU should follow her and mold to her schedule. Worship her on her pedestal, circle around and feast on any crumbs that she throws you and reflect back to her the noble position that she occupies at the center of the universe. Further, men, you need to relax your expectations on her. If she wants attention from other men , then she is entitled to date them to fulfil her emotional needs -afterall, a modern, evolved woman may need more that one man to feel completely happy. You are only entitled to whatever attention she deems you worthy of.. You go girls ! Edited March 18, 2008 by AussieJack
eric82 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 If you want to bring the excitement back, and keep him on his toes.....don't call him. Let him call you. Don't contact him in any way. Let him do it all the time. He calls for a date tomorrow night? throw him off and tell him you have plans with girlfriends. You need to keep this up to keep the guy on his toes or he will take you for granted and be complacent. He needs the challenge, give it to him. You will thank me later for this advice, it will drive him crazy with desire for you and you will get phone calls and he will be dying to see you. in this case i think that's bad advice. if they had been together for a few years then what you're saying might apply, because they would have already had years of established trust, but she said they've only been together a few months. their relationship is still new. they're still getting to know each other and building that trust. if she starts doing what you're recommending, it's likely to just confuse her boyfriend and complicate things with unnecessary drama. the problem isn't her boyfriend taking her for granted, it's her anxiety and fear that he might do it. the way to deal with this isn't for her to become more challenging to him, it's for her to challenge herself to figure out a better way to not worry as much.
eric82 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 People still play games in this era?! that's my point, she should work on her own anxieties instead of playing the game of trying to manipulate him into proving that she needn't worry.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Besides what you've mentioned, do you have any other reason to think he's really become complacent? If not, I say you appreciate what you have and just go with the flow.
Jasmine8719 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) I don't think it's playing games....I do agree with eric though I think it's too early in the relationship to try and pull the I don't need you so I'm going to pull away thing...but It does work...I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I really think he has become too comfortable...I tried the whole not talking to him thing and it worked..I don't think you should lie and say I'm going out with my girlfriends when you really aren't. I think women need to learn how to be more independent; instead of waiting by the phone all the time waiting for him to call...Get a hobby...I personally feel like i lost myself for a minute...i stopped doing the things I loved to do and always worrying about if i make plans with my friends I won't see him...so I signed up for tennis and filling my time in more...instead of sitting and waiting for him. and when I fill my time he misses me more...I can tell..and absence makes the heart grow fonder :-)......but for nitabean don't pull that card yet...it's good that he's not jealous; my boyfriend isn't either, and I look at my friends and there boyfriends are snooping through there phones...asking where they were at at such n such time...just stupid stuff and im thankful that I'm not with a jerk off like that...but if he becomes to comfortable just back off a little hang out with your friends more often, do things you love again...Don't loose yourself -Good luck, it seems like you have a nice guy..you probably don't need it :-) -Jasmine Edited March 18, 2008 by Jasmine8719
Shindig Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I agree your other half has a mature understanding of what it means to be in a relationship that's exclusive. He trusts you. Where's the problem? If you want more attention or think he isn't treating you as well as you diserve then the onus is on you. Don't criticize him, e.g. "you're taking me for granted". That's not fair, you can't know his thoughts or thought process. Just be honest with him. Keep in mind that men don't make or take hints like women do. They don't operate under subtext. E.g. my boyfriend recently told me he needed space and then got confused as to why I got up to leave the room. He really meant he needed space, it wasn't a hint for me to scram. He encouraged me to sit back down because he "likes talking with me". Make your desires clear. Tell him things like, "it would mean a lot to me if you would stop by my work and bring me lunch," for example. Say "I love when you surprise me with flowers," or "why don't we go to the beach for a romantic picnic." Be direct. If you hint, it's mostly your fault if he misses it.
Author nitabean Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Wow again, thanks for all this advice! I already do some of the things mentioned, he is the one that calls or texts me daily.....I might call or text him 1 or 2 times a week but I always reply. Whenever he does or says anything I make sure I let him know that I appreciate it. I know he is a great guy and i think Eric was right, it is me. I have battled to keep him out of the "previous loser" category and sometimes i fall off the wagon, I think this was one of those times. He works days and I work nights and he texts me up until he goes to sleep......I really dont think that I have anything to worry about. I also thought about something today....whenever I am out w/o him he cant wait for me to get home and when he is out w/o me he offers up where and with who. I guess I just need to get used to having a good one around......
Lishy Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I am glad you have it sorted in your head now Nita! You should keep him on his toes a little - I still ignore my phone every now and then, I sometimes say I am too busy to see him and he is gagging for me! When I was too there for him he was more complacant! You have a keeper there maybe so just be you, but every now and then shake him up, but in a nice way!
StartingOver07 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Hey everyone, looking for some more advice here please. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We have already made the decision to be exclusive back in January and besides a few stragglers on his end that has been the case. What does this mean?
Shindig Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 It sounds like they agreed to be involved only with eachother romantically and/or sexually. Aside from a few girls with whom the significant other was involved, they have been exclusive. Yeah?
StartingOver07 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Well, yes, that is what it sounds like. But my brain can't process the seemingly mutually exclusive concepts of being exclusive and being involved with others.
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