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Posted

My boyfriend has been increasingly distant. His sleep schedule is out of whack (e.g. can't fall alseep until 5am and then wakes up at 2pm.) and shows little interest in sex. He barely looks me in the eyes, doesn't stop by my place anymore. We had a talk last night and he assured me everything is okay and that he just needs space claiming he's overworked and exhausted (probably true).

 

I know I tend to chase him when he's distant: offering to bring him dinner at work or stop by to do his laundry. I don't know how much to pull back since he seems hurt when I don't call and still says he likes talking with me... even about the serious stuff like the above.

 

He has two good friends he takes relationship advice from: one is in a long term committed relationship who I think offers good advice (we'll call him Spanky) and the other has never been in a relationship, hits on me, and encourages my SO to drop me (we'll call this one Bud). Unfortunately, my SO seems to favor Bud's influence.

 

Bud has classically been a bad influence on my SO: getting him worked up over work and family issues resulting in my SO getting fired and kicked out of his parent's home. Bud is really manipulative and walks my SO like a dog. I hate seeing it and I know it plays a part in my SO's demeanor and attitudes toward me (and unhealthy behavior in general). I'm not sure how to go about addressing Bud in light of an already tenuous situation. I want to think my SO is just depressed but have a pretty good feeling Bud is trying to break us up (which Spanky agrees on). I don't want to be the 'bad guy' and/or destroy a friendship that seems valuable to my SO. I also don't want to lose a relationship that I really enjoy.

Posted

Give him his space and keep your options open. Stay away from "Bud".

 

Your SO will have to see Bud for who he is; you can't help him with that. If I were in your shoes, painful as it sounds, I'd go NC for a month and see what shakes out. If you were honest with him during your talk, he knows what you want.

  • Author
Posted

If that's the case... prepare for a few day's worth of freaking out/venting. It's here or my friends think I'm losing it.;)

Posted

Back off, way off. If he needs space, give him that and more. Chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught, is an exercise in futility.

Posted

No worries OP. That's what LS is for. Vent on! :)

Posted

The above responses are the most logical explanation, but if he is in a major depression then he may not really want you to back off completely, even though he is sending signals to that effect. (BTW, the sleep disturbance indicates either major depression, bipolar, or drug use.) I would back off to a degree that is comfortable to you but not all the way.

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Posted

His Mom and I have spoken about my SO and she agrees that he's probably deeply depressed but didn't have time to get into addressing solutions. I'm thinking I might ask her to lunch to talk about it.

Posted

The difficulty Story, is that if you remain partially there, your frustration/concern/stress level stays high. I think the OP needs to worry about herself now, in that she can control herself but she can't and shouldn't want to control or feel responsible for her b/f.

 

Regardless of disorder or not, he's a big boy now and needs to fuel his portion of the relationship. If he feels she's a priority, he will make the time and put in the effort to ensure the relationship stays connected.

Posted

Yes, it sounds like the BF has family and good friends (like "Spanky") around him to support him if he's indeed depressed. IMO, if there's influence or intervention, it should come from his involved family. If he were married to the OP, yes, of course her. That's not the case.

 

I've had to deal with mental illness (I don't think the BF is such) directly (with my mother) and tangentially (with friends); with the latter, if they have family, I stay in the event horizon, offering support as indicated, but don't involve myself. It's really not my business.

 

I agree with the advice for the OP to take care of herself; the healthier she is, if she chooses, the better support she can be to BF if/when he returns to the relationship.

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Posted

I agree he's not my responsibility. I'm not interested in controlling him and he's the only one who can change him, but that knowledge doesn't diminish my anguish over seeing someone I care about in pain. I'm hoping insight into his psyche and support from his family will improve things.

Posted

Any man that would allow his friend to hit on his g/f, with intent, isn't worth his salt, depression or otherwise. I'm assuming you're not accepting or encouraging this type of activity and your b/f is aware of what's going on. If your b/f isn't aware, my question would be, why not?

 

There's healthy concern and personalized concern. Distance yourself to the point of healthy concern, if you must.

Posted
The difficulty Story, is that if you remain partially there, your frustration/concern/stress level stays high. I think the OP needs to worry about herself now, in that she can control herself but she can't and shouldn't want to control or feel responsible for her b/f.

 

Regardless of disorder or not, he's a big boy now and needs to fuel his portion of the relationship. If he feels she's a priority, he will make the time and put in the effort to ensure the relationship stays connected.

Right, TBF, I basically agree with you that she should not support him at the expense of her own well being. But when mental illness is in the picture, the behavior she is describing doesn't always indicate the same thing as it would in a healthy person. She should just be aware of that.

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Posted

Mom, Spanky, and I are at a loss as to why my SO and Bud are still friends. Bud is really manipulative and loves creating drama by stirring the pot. Bud whips my SO into a frenzy by playing on his insecurities and projecting his overwhelming sense of entitlement.

 

My SO has a big heart and really values loyalty. He is Bud's only long term friend (2 years) since Bud burns through acquaintances like cigarettes. I don't know exactly what hold Bud has over my SO but its certainly destructive.

Posted
Mom, Spanky, and I are at a loss as to why my SO and Bud are still friends. Bud is really manipulative and loves creating drama by stirring the pot. Bud whips my SO into a frenzy by playing on his insecurities and projecting his overwhelming sense of entitlement.

 

My SO has a big heart and really values loyalty. He is Bud's only long term friend (2 years) since Bud burns through acquaintances like cigarettes. I don't know exactly what hold Bud has over my SO but its certainly destructive.

Answer my questions, Shindig. Does your b/f know about Bud, flirting with intent with you? Have you ever encouraged Bud?

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Posted

Ah, right. Sorry. I've never mentioned it to my SO. He knows Bud has behaved this way in the past to his and Spanky's girlfriends.

 

I've never encouraged Bud. A few times he has groped me in a crowded bar. He passed it off as accidental or it was probably someone else (I do get groped a lot... it's that kind of city...). The first 2 times I passed it off as accidental, once I noticed a pattern I ignored it at first but since I've told him to watch it (I kickbox :cool:).

 

His verbal flirting is particularly sneaky. He'll jokingly criticize my SO for not bringing me flowers and things like that like "I would treat her better" kind of thing. This makes me feel dirty and makes my SO feel inadequate. (Maybe he wants Bud's approval...)

Posted
Ah, right. Sorry. I've never mentioned it to my SO. He knows Bud has behaved this way in the past to his and Spanky's girlfriends.

 

I've never encouraged Bud. A few times he has groped me in a crowded bar. He passed it off as accidental or it was probably someone else (I do get groped a lot... it's that kind of city...). The first 2 times I passed it off as accidental, once I noticed a pattern I ignored it at first but since I've told him to watch it (I kickbox :cool:).

 

His verbal flirting is particularly sneaky. He'll jokingly criticize my SO for not bringing me flowers and things like that like "I would treat her better" kind of thing. This makes me feel dirty and makes my SO feel inadequate. (Maybe he wants Bud's approval...)

How will your SO know, if you don't tell him? Even better, have it out while everyone is present. When you're handling a manipulator like this, you pull the rug from under them.

Posted

Ya. What Trialbyfire said. Pull that rug out in a way that clearly and unemotionally states the situation, the problem, and your proposed solution. If he responds, just listen and process anything he might say, and again respond unemotionally. If he doesn't respond, leave it.

 

As for the rest, there's great advice here. If it were me I'd lovingly tell him that he needs to let me know clearly what he wants and doesn't want right now...that I sense things but am not sure they're correct...that I don't want to add to his stress or intrude but that I'm here unconditionally if he needs me. Isn't that about all we can really do? No matter what the situation?

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Posted

I'm not exactly a shrinking violet. Some of the times I was vocal about it my SO was there. I don't think he wanted to mess with it. I imagine this'll be our next serious talk.

 

The thing is... it's not Bud's inappropriate behavior toward me that bothers me so much. I know it's a good example of his two-faced nature but I imagine if my SO moves to keep the two of us separate, Bud's attitude toward me be more hostile.

 

I guess I think... friends close, enemies closer. Maybe not the healthiest approach but I'm not sure how else to go about it.

Posted

I was once provided with some excellent advice from someone I respect. You can either make it as simple or as complicated as you want.

 

It's your choice.

 

Overall, this situation with the friend, is a symptom of a much larger issues with your b/f. If you can make minor inroads on the issues, it's better than sitting and angsting, about the entire situation.

  • Author
Posted

We got a chance to talk about Bud. Apparently Bud was the author of my SO's last breakup via malicious rumour. At least he's in the know. We didn't get to talk about it quite in the detail I wanted but my SO usually takes a few days to mull things over before he can make an articulate heartfelt response.

 

I'm trying to balance the distance he's requested with the support I feel he needs. It's getting to me. I want to be there for him but I think for him its a lot more like a smother than a nurture.

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