WillieJay Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Hello all. I need some advice... First off, let me start by saying that I love my wife. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my friend. She is my comforter. She is my cheerleader. She is my pep-squad. I cant ask for anything more. Except for one thing... We are not having sex. Who's fault is it? Mine. I dont feel attracted to her anymore. I havent felt attracted to her for a LOOONG time. We were together for 11 years before we got married. We have been married for 1.5 years now. I have been feeling less and less attracted to her for the last 7 or 8 years. No, I havent cheated but Im afraid I might. I have had PLENTY of offers from women at the job, women I have known for years, and women I meet. Before I get flamed... The type of work that I do, I meet women all the time. I meet them on a professional level. They usually continue to deal with me on a professional level. Many refer me to friends. Usually 1 in 5 make an attempt to get at me. Anyway... I really dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt my wife. But at the same time, Im tired of MB'ing in the bathroom. Im tired of telling her no and having to deal with the emotional guilt I feel when I tell her no. How do I tell her that Im not attracted to her anymore? How do I say this without hurting her? What should I do? Should I have an A just to get sexual satisfaction? That could very well backfire on me. And my wife would get hurt. Im more afraid of hurting my wife than anything. And I dont want to have to deal with another woman getting attached to me. Some women get very attached after sex, even though they say that all they want is sex. Should I just leave? I dont want to lose her. I dont want to hurt her either. I think that she is more in love with me than I am with her. She tells me that I am her life. I think I can honestly say that she is my life also. If it wasnt for her, I dont know where I would be. Im from the ghetto (no... seriously... S.E. Washington DC) and if it wasnt for her yelling and screaming at me everytime I thought about doing something stupid, I might be dead now. I wouldnt be where I am professionally if it wasnt for her (she pushed me to persue my dream and it paid off very nicely ). I told a female friend of mine about how some of the women at the job have approached me. Her answer was... 1. They see that you are a good man. 2. You have a good job and you are paid very well. 3. Youre a good listener and women find comfort in that. 4. Youre intelligent. 5. Youre easy to talk to. 6. You have a kind heart. 7. Youre financially stable. I guess Im not the average guy. I thought that deep down in all men, no matter how rough and tough they were, there is a softie. I think that perfectly describes who I am. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside (no homo). Anywho... Please help me before I do something stupid. And no, I dont have any kids so a split would be easier buy I dont want to take that route. Confused...
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Why do you think you're not attracted to your wife anymore? What changed? Do you love her? I mean really love her...Could you picture yourself without her in your life?
daisygirl Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Wow, that's tough. I seriously don't think you should just leave, though. I am no longer attracted to my husband, but we have some other very serious issues going on between us besides just that, and I still haven't left - even though I am feeling it's inevitable. Anyway, you don't seem to have many other major issues with her, but I know personally how hard it is to be with someone you are not attracted to. And 7-8 years is a long time! Definitely do not have an A!!! I know the temptation. I had an EA, and all it did was make things worse, for EVERYONE involved. Have you talked to your wife about this? I know it's hard to bring up, but do you think she may feel the same way? I think MC and/or IC may be a good start for you. BTW, you are totally doing the right thing, IMO, by trying to work on this before you have an A, so I certainly hope that no one will flame you for that!!
daisygirl Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I just reread your post and realized that you said you haven't told your W yet. When I told my H, I just had to come out and say it. He got angry, of course - who wouldn't? I don't think I handled it in the best way, though. I wish I had a good answer, but do you think she would go to marriage counseling with you? Maybe you could say there are some things you want to work on in your marriage with her and then go into more detail in the MC. Or start individual counseling first to see if you can get to the root of the problem. Someone else on here will probably have WAY better advice than me, though!
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 OP, you sound like a medical or legal professional...hmm I'd like to say some kind words to you, so.... 1. Get out of the bathroom 2. Stop saying no to your wife who loves you 3. Fantasize about someone else while you're with her, if you have to. 4. Get psychological help. 5. If the above doesn't bring back the attraction, leave her so a man who does find her and all those beautiful qualities attractive can appreciate her in the way she deserves. IMO, you sound detached. You talk about your life as if you're looking at it through binoculars. First off, let me start by saying that I love my wife. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my friend. She is my comforter. She is my cheerleader. She is my pep-squad. If she were none of these things, then I could see a real reason for not being attracted to her. I've experienced that and it's incredibly sad and lonely. MC has helped me understand that it isn't my "fault". Well, that's one guy's perspective....
Author WillieJay Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 OP, you sound like a medical or legal professional...hmm Close. Im in Information Technology.
Author WillieJay Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Why do you think you're not attracted to your wife anymore? What changed? Actually, weight is one. Its not really a big thing because she was heavy when I met her. But she let it get crazy. I mean really crazy. And she doesnt even try to keep up her appearance anymore. Im wondering if she got comfortable. Is it really true that some women get comfortable and dont care about the weight anymore? Do you love her? I mean really love her...Could you picture yourself without her in your life? YES... I do really love her. No, I dont think I could picture myself without her in my life.
Author WillieJay Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 IMO, you sound detached. You talk about your life as if you're looking at it through binoculars. Yeah... sometimes I take a step back and try to review my life in third-person. I have had a pretty interesting life.
daisygirl Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Actually, weight is one. Its not really a big thing because she was heavy when I met her. But she let it get crazy. I mean really crazy. And she doesnt even try to keep up her appearance anymore. Im wondering if she got comfortable. Is it really true that some women get comfortable and dont care about the weight anymore? I did just the opposite. I am much smaller now than when I got married. I don't think getting married and feeling "comfortable" is any reason to stop caring about your appearance, but I am sure it happens all too often - for both men and women. YES... I do really love her. No, I dont think I could picture myself without her in my life. That's great that you have this going for you. I don't feel this for my H anymore. I still love him as a friend, and because he's the father of my child, he will always be in my life, but I don't picture me spending the rest of my life with him. I don't even see us together 5 years down the road. I think you really need to talk to your W and maybe try some IC and MC, as hard as it may be.
carhill Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 IMO, weight (as in trending to obese) and "comfortable" don't peacefully co-exist. You might have to define that parameter for us regarding your wife. As an example, my wife weighs about what she did when I married her 9 years ago, and she's about 40 lbs over her healthy weight (I could say the same of myself). Such is irrelevant to comfort (by her explanation) or attraction, for me, but I'm not a visually driven male. She's a stylist, so is always looking her best. Our marital issues have nothing to do with her appearance, antithetical to your situation, interesting as that might sound How many hours do you work a week? Travel a lot? What is the usual time (of day) for those bathroom excursions? Did the loss of sexual interest in her happen before you got married? Does she have a professional/work career? Circle of friends? Do you think that you'd be attracted to her if she lost weight and paid more attention to her appearance? Do you think your wife senses there is something wrong? Why? That'll be one network analysis, thank you
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Did I miss the part about how she feels about not having sex anymore?
Author WillieJay Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Hello again... Im getting ready for work. I will try to answer these questions later today. If I answer them now, I will be extremely late for work. LOL. See yall soon.
PWSX3 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I understand the weight issue because my W is overweight as well. The part that bothers me is she doesn't care or do anything about it. I feel there is a difference between being overweight & being active. I feel if someone works out, will do some type of exercise & is still heavy that is different then setting at home watching The Biggest Loser while eating her ice cream. carhill asked some good questions, there is a lot of things that can go into the equation. I wouldn't think MC or IC would be a bad idea, it helps give you a common place to talk out some of these issues.
Author WillieJay Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 BACK FROM THE DEAD!!! Hello all again... Well, I did it. I found someone new. And she is wonderful. She is married also. She is not happy at home also. She is always trapped in the house and he pretty much does whatever he wants. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. She says that he courted her and when they got married, he changed. He never wants to do anything. And I mean ANYTHING. I met her online on April 20th. We met in person on April 29th. We have been pretty much serious ever since. It was love at first sight. I fell in love with her shortly afterwards. The love making is SO WONDERFUL! I have not enjoyed sex with my wife EVER. There was always some issue. There is no issue with the new person. We fit each other perfectly. I know that we have only been together for 90 days but I am so sure of this. I am head-over-heels in love with her. Sex aside, we enjoy each other. We enjoy spending time together. We laugh together. We cry together. We enjoy each others company. We NEVER want to leave each other. Her sister thinks I am the funniest person on earth. My baby doesnt laugh with her husband. I dont laugh with with my wife either. I think about her all day, every day. I dream about her. Hearing her voice soothes and calms me. Hearing her voice makes my day 100% better. Im acting in a supervisor role at my job and it stresses me out. Her voice puts a smile on my face and makes my day so much better. I go crazy when I cant talk to her. I love her sooooo much. She states that she is not happy when she is either at home or out with her husband. They went to the beach last weekend and she didnt enjoy herself. She says that they dont talk about anything and that she is bored with him. She says that she wants to leave him and be with me. I feel the same way. I want to leave my wife and be with her. Comments?
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 DIVORCE YOUR WIFE. It is so unfair and cruel of you to now be with another woman while you're still married to your wife. You said you loved your wife and couldn't imagine life without her! Did you ever tell your wife how you felt? That you wanted her to lose some weight? I guess not seeing as you're now having an affair. Wow, you're in for a HUGE mess and everyone is going to be hurt. Now is the time for you to go read in the infidelity section so you can see the type of pain you're going to have to deal with when you get caught...And go post/read in the OW/OM section - You need help more than you know. I have to say, I didn't expect this change of events considering you really did seem to love your wife. It's sad what you're doing to her...Really selfish too. The thing you should do is set your wife free so she can heal and find a man who will love her for who she is and not cheat on her.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 It was love at first sight. I fell in love with her shortly afterwards. Third time's a charm?
Author WillieJay Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 Well, there were other problems that I didnt tell you all about. I have had a talk with her and I told her that I am not happy. She has been forwarned. This conversation has happened MANY times before but she doesnt want to change anything. It may not be fair but I have to make myself happy. I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Selfish? I dont think so. If she cant do what it takes to make EVERYONE happy in this relationship then its time for me to go. I wish I has never posted here now. Moderators... Please delete this thread and delete my account. Thanks.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I'm just saying, your girlfriend has already been unhappily married twice that you've told us of. Be careful. Also, everyone should be aware that this site is FULLY indexed and archived by google and (I'm sure) other search engines. Some sites disable search bot indexing, not LS. So once someone posts here, it basically lives forever.
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I have had a talk with her and I told her that I am not happy. She has been forwarned. This conversation has happened MANY times before but she doesnt want to change anything. No, she hasn't. She was informed about you not being happy, not about you deciding to cheat on her, fall for another woman and have an affair. I'm sure if she knew that you were about to cheat on her, her efforts would change quite quickly. Anyway, you've made the choice, and yes, it IS a selfish one. Think about divorce now because why are you still married to your wife? Other than having two women now, what's the point in staying married to someone that you really don't like anymore? It may not be fair but I have to make myself happy. I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Selfish? I dont think so. If she cant do what it takes to make EVERYONE happy in this relationship then its time for me to go. It seems you're putting this all on your wife, like you're perfect and haven't contributed to any problems in your marriage. I bet your wife is just as unhappy, if not more. You want to be happy, but you're doing it ON the expense of your own wife! That is selfish. I wish I has never posted here now. Moderators... Please delete this thread and delete my account. Sorry, I guess you don't like being told what the truth of your situation is. Maybe I was abit harsh, but in all honesty, you've brought on all this on your own and someday when your wife finds out about you having an affair, you'll have noone to blame for your choices but yourself. And it'll suck because you have NO idea the type of pain and deep betrayal you've inflicted on your wife...Something you may regret one day. Good luck though.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 It was love at first sight. I fell in love with her shortly afterwards. In these situations, I have never understood how you experience this pure, blissful, "head-over-heels" love and then you go home to your bed and banging your wife and she goes home to her bed and bangs her husband. Isn't there some kind of basic contradiction there ? Mr. Lucky
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 They're probably not banging their wife/husband in this scenario, but I understand what you mean.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 They're probably not banging their wife/husband in this scenario At least, that's what the WS tells the OW or OM, right ... Mr. Lucky
Billy Bob Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 The thing you should do is set your wife free so she can heal and find a man who will love her for who she is and not cheat on her. Yeah.. I agree.. Glad you think you found the right fit.. although it's probably just a fantasy world affair. You need to just drop divorce papers on your wife. Don't play games with her. Get out of you marriage and set her free.. don't drag it out.
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