nashua Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 BF and I have been in a hard and trying time lately. For the last few weeks, we have had the roughest time in trying to understand, and communicate with one another. We are very close to ending it forever, but neither of us has yet to actually make it official. So the question is, when things are at their roughest point and the end is so near, is there any way of coming out of it stonger and better? Is it possible to get back what was lost after so much damage has been done? How should we go about healing, or is it just doomed at this point? Thanks.
luvstarved Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 It is hard to comment on your situation without some context... What are your issues? Nearly everyone here is struggling with relationships..some of us will make it, some will not. The kicker is that both parties need to want it and have the willingness and capacity to make the effort...mutual respect must be present as well. Of course relationships can be healed and made stronger and better from having survived difficulties...in some cases! There are many resources to help with that... I have read a lot of books on relationships and would be happy to recommend one or two if you would give more specific info on your situation. The best ones for me ARE about ways to understand and communicate more effectively. There are things that can be done...in the end, it is up to the two of you...one party cannot sustain a relationship...not healthily anyway!!! Wishing you success...
Author nashua Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 It is hard to comment on your situation without some context... What are your issues? Nearly everyone here is struggling with relationships..some of us will make it, some will not. The kicker is that both parties need to want it and have the willingness and capacity to make the effort...mutual respect must be present as well. Of course relationships can be healed and made stronger and better from having survived difficulties...in some cases! There are many resources to help with that... I have read a lot of books on relationships and would be happy to recommend one or two if you would give more specific info on your situation. The best ones for me ARE about ways to understand and communicate more effectively. There are things that can be done...in the end, it is up to the two of you...one party cannot sustain a relationship...not healthily anyway!!! Wishing you success... By now I feel like LS poeople are probably sick of hearing about my issues. In a nutshell.... BF is married and had an affair 4 years ago with me. He left wife (never divorced her, just moved out) 3 years ago and he and I have been tightly together ever since. He is 29 years older than me. we get a long great up until lately because I have been requesting he show our relationship some respect and get a divorce. He won't do it, and doesnt know why. He knows he doesnt want to be wth ex though. Our communication has broken down, our sex life has died, we've discussed seeing ohter people (specifically me because i'm the one who's needs aren't being met) and we just can't seem to have a conversatrion without yelling at each other. We are both defensive and think each of us is right. He doesn't get me and I dont get him. It feels over already, but like i said, we haven't made it official yet. i love him, and just want to be with a man who is not married. I dont want to marry him though. So, basically that's it. Please advise! Thanks
Curmudgeon Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Are you really surprised that things are down when he still won't file for divorce three years after leaving his wife, presumably for you? To me that says he doesn't believe your relationship deserves anywhere near the respect his marriage does, even if he's with you. He's also in no way committed to you or the relationship or he'd be divorcded. The age difference tells me a couple of things also. Presuming you're in your 20s or 30s, he has to be in his 50s or 60s or real close to both. My guess is that you are or were fun for him and perhaps bolstered a possibly sagging ego but when push comes to shove, there really isn't a lot of commonality or shared experience on which to build a relationship or even identify with one another. Hisa age could also have a lot to do with waning sexual performance. It happens, you know. So, too, could the fac t that the blush is off the rose. In the beginning it was great to have a much younger woman between the sheets but now, after four years and with the two of you living together, the newness and adventure are gone and a lot of the thrill with them. As always, just one man's opinion. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't this thread be better placed in the OW area 'cause you're not married and it doesn't sound much like a life partnership to me?
Walk Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 It seems like you asked him for more commitment and he's resisted the idea. It may not have anything to really do with how much he loves you or how compatible the two of you are together. Which may be part of the reason you two aren't understanding each other. I've had two long term relationship (over 4 years each) and both times, about the 3 year mark my partner and I get into a huge fight that's a knock down drag out and it would seem like the relationship was over, that we'd never see eye to eye. Its usually because I asked for more commitment, and my partner would get scared and pull back. He'd re-evaluate his life, question what he wanted, and ultimately he'd come back and the relationship would be stronger then it had been prior to the huge blow out. Seems to me that it takes men by surprise when a woman suggests something more committed then the current situation (whatever that is at the time). And because men are men, they have to hide in their caves in order to figure out how they really feel about it. But women get scared that that means the man doesn't want the same, and usually badger men to talk to them. Which leads to fighting because the man just wanted time alone to process his feelings and thoughts on the subject. My suggestion.. give him space to work out what he really wants in life. You've told him what you would like to see happen. He'll have to decide on his own what part he would like to play in that goal. Be supportive that he doesn't have to see things your way, but stick to your guns about not wanting the relationship if he won't get the divorce. You can't force him to do what he isn't willing to do, but ultimately you hold all the cards in this game. Time is on your side. You're the young one with many years ahead of you to find someone who will commit to just you.
Enema Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I agree with everything ol' Curmudgeon said. The world feels strange today.
Curmudgeon Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I agree with everything ol' Curmudgeon said. The world feels strange today. I think the planets must be out of alignment!
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