shy0527 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 I have been married for 18 years. I married my high school sweetheart fresh out of school. The first 14 years were good...we had our ups and downs like all married couples, but for the most part we were happy. We have three kids...ages 18, 16 and 11. About four years ago I decided to go back to school...talked over with hubby and he was supportive at the time. I went back to fullfill my lifelong dream of becoming a nurse. Once I started school things started to change at home. My husband become very insecure and jealous...I would even go as far as to say he became possessive. He wanted to know where I was at all times, who I was with and what I was doing. I have never given a reason to be suspicious of me in any way...nor have I ever done or said anything to feed into his insecurities. I believe it all came about because for a long time he took care of me and once I made a decision to go back to school he knew that I would be able to take care of myself. I never wanted him to feel insecure...I went back to try to make our lives better financially. He started saying things like "I know when you are all done you will leave me because I won't be good enough for you anymore"....which would anger me because I never have felt that way. I tried to talk him into pursuing his dreams, but he wasn't interested...he had become very content in his life and didn't want to change anything. Once I got closer to graduating things really got rough. He decided to quit his job...didn't want to go to a 9-5 anymore, but didn't have a plan as to what he was going to do. I was working and going to school, but couldn't support us all on what I was making which started the arguments....something that we never used to do in our early years together. He did things behind my back....started writing bad checks and trying to cover them with payday loans...which he couldn't pay without a job so my direct deposits from my job would be taken for payments on his loans. Since then he continues to make financial decisions without my knowledge. He hasn't been working steadily in quite a while now. We have lost our house...our cars...everything and his jealousy is at an all time high. I am miserable in this marriage. I don't go out...don't really have any friends...all I do is work and come home. We separated for a short time about a year ago, we were seperated for about 8 weeks. In that time he followed me to work to see if that is truly where I was going...parked his car in front of the house and slept there...tryed to pit the kids against me...threatened to kill himself...it was almost as if he was obsessed. He scared me because I had never seen him this way...I know that he was in pain, but his actions were not that of a normal individual. He drove us all crazy with his behavior and finally my oldest son begged me to let his dad come back home...I gave in. He promised me he would go to therapy...get a job...get his life back on track so that we could then work on us...promises, promises...they were just words. Now I find myself wanting to get out of this marriage, but I just don't know how. I am financially strapped due to his past spending habits. He knows I am miserable yet he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy. I have been depressed...have frequent stomach aches and headaches...am always in a crabby mood. I can't live like this anymore. I care about him, but I don't think I love him anymore. I avoid sex with him at all cost...just not interested in him that way. I am just so confused right now and just don't know what to do. How do I get out of this marriage without all the drama that I experienced during our brief separation? How do I deal with him making me feel guilty? I am just no longer willing to sacrifice my happiness...my health...my life...for his.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Your husband needs counselling and badly might I add! It's like something inside of him snapped when you decided to go back to school! I'm not going to guess as to why it set him off, but after 14 years of a pretty good marriage, 3 kids - Well, something ain't right with him. Marriage counselling will help, and individual counselling for both of you as well. You need to deal with your depressed feelings and the anxiety - That's what the headaches and upset tummy is - Stress and anxious feelings.. If he can change and get back to how he used to be, when life was happier and he was your loving husband, would you want to stay married to him? Or do you feel too much has happened and it would be near impossible to get those feelings back, let alone want to work on your marriage with him?
Gunny376 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I'd be working on my "exit" strageity" and plan? No way would I live like this? He's got "issues" and "problems" and that's what they are? His "issues" and his "problems!" NOT YOURS! Perhaps its a MLC (Mid-Life Crisis) To answer your question? NO! You're not crazy ~ although he's trying to drive you there ~ and he will? If you let him? Better to be single and alone? Than married and miserable?
Ladyjane14 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Perhaps its a MLC (Mid-Life Crisis) MLC can make a man "loopy". There are physiological changes within the body affecting the balance of neurotransmitters. Imbalance can result in depression, and even be causal in neurotic behaviors like OCD. Some guys breeze right through MLC with nary a hair out of place. Others are total wrecks, behaving in such a bizarre manner it's like they've been body-snatched by space aliens... like you don't even recognize the guy you married. If possible, get this guy to a psychiatrist and lay it all out on the table. To be honest, I think you're looking at a situation in which he needs to either get treatment... or get gone.
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