phoenixgirl Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 He and I both are NC... I've been feeling better about it than him, he's been moping around at work and everybody's been asking him what his problem is, HA. I was kinda feeling really good about myself and the fact that I had a date planned last night 'n all. Except that the date was a total flop and just added more drama to the last day or so (long story), and as a result I'm sitting here missing my xMM more than I have in a week and wishing I could talk to him. Because as much drama as the A was, xMM and I didn't really have to WORK when it came to how we emotionally connected to each other, yanno? And "dating" is just such freakin' hard work. 'Course, I'm not over him yet. And I KNOW I don't need to be dating to try to find a rebound to get over him or get back at him or anything like that - I just wanted to get OUT and have fun. Unfortunately, the guy wanted more than I did (after one date you want me to meet your MOM?!) and... yeah, it was just bad. And it's made me MISS how some things in my R with xMM just seemed to come so easily. So without getting too pessimistic, I guess I need to remember all the reasons why the A was bad, and remember why I want(ed) out of it, etc. I just wish the sadness and loneliness would quit coming in waves, I wish I could hold on to the anger. The anger is good for me, the anger keeps me strong. But I don't want the anger to corrupt me, either. How I wish there really was a magick potion for healing...
LadyDi Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 I'm sorry your having a tough time of it. NC is brutal. Just take it one day at a time...hopefully you'll be a little further along each day. Good Luck!!
Author phoenixgirl Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 I didn't make it today. I sent him a text message... and as soon as I hit "send" the anxiety welled up just like it always used to - "Where is he? What's he doing? Who's he with?" Oh, I was HATING myself today. For once, he didn't pursue the messaging. His response was short and to the point, and I got the message. I stopped. It was so hard, and I cried a little. I'm just trying really hard not to think about it right now. That was honest-to-God the first TM I've sent him in almost a month. D*MMIT.
OpenBook Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Oh, I was HATING myself today. Hey hey HEY - ease up on yourself there, Phoenix. It's not like you're flinging yourself across his doorstep. It was just a text message. Whoopdee Freakin' Do. Just get right back on that NC wagon. This is a really tough thing you're doing. The payoff isn't clear yet, but you know it's the right thing for YOU. It definitely separates the women from the girls. You're on the right track - keep it up!!
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 he didn't pursue the messaging. His response was short and to the point, and I got the message. I stopped. It was so hard, and I cried a little. I'm just trying really hard not to think about it right now. You slipped, it's not the end of the world. Look, maybe it's a good thing you slipped because by breaking NC, he reacted and made a point to you which I think you now understand and won't break NC again by TM him or email, etc... Don't beat up on yourself. Everything is going to be fine! Don't let this make you feel like NC has to start ALL over again - Just pick up where you left off.
Gwyneth Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 It's interesting that you said dating is hard work. Yes, it is, which is why I think many of us get ourselves tangled in an affair with a married person. So you had a bad date--that's okay We all find ourselves on bad dates now and then. At least give the guy another chance before giving into ex-mm again. Or, go on a date with another man. If that's a bad date too, then it's either too soon for you to be dating, or you just aren't over your ex--or both. But give it time. These things don't happen over night (getting over the ex). Also, moving on takes time and IS very hard work--harder than dating again.
Never_Again Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 So without getting too pessimistic, I guess I need to remember all the reasons why the A was bad, and remember why I want(ed) out of it, etc. I just wish the sadness and loneliness would quit coming in waves, I wish I could hold on to the anger. The anger is good for me, the anger keeps me strong. But I don't want the anger to corrupt me, either. How I wish there really was a magick potion for healing... UGH, I know exactly how you feel. Tonight was ESPECIALLY hard for some reason. I just couldn't get him out of my head. I couldn't do ANYTHING without thinking about him. And then I listened to a song that reminded me of him (like 80% of the songs I listen to) and I just started POURING tears. Sometimes I blame myself for everything ending and just..... I want to just.......UGH, I HATE MYSELF sometimes!!!!!!!!! I am in such a funk lately, though..... UGUGHHHHHHKKKEEEEEEEEUJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(:(:(:(:(:(
Author phoenixgirl Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 I guess for me, it was just that I'd been feeling pretty okay about moving on without him... and now I'm all "waaahhhh I miss him and want him back!" I'd been doing so well with NC and I'm such a perfectionist that one little mistake made me feel like a failure (since I'd failed so many times in the past, I'd been feeling pretty good about sticking with it for so long). And also, when HE didn't pursue the text messaging... well it's that whole dichotomy of the fact that we're supposed to be NC and it's great that he's respecting that, but he never has before and it just kind of hurt that he did this time, yanno? And that's just stupid. But for the record, I will NOT be going out with that particular guy again. He felt that I was "undependable" because I wouldn't go to his house for dinner on the second date, whereas I felt that was moving just a little too fast - especially in light of some of the other things he was saying and doing on the first date (long story). I think he saw me as a potential breeder and nothing more! I won't give up. I just have to make it through this day, I'll be probably be floating around on this board quite a bit. The weekends are the hardest.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 but he never has before and it just kind of hurt that he did this time, yanno? And that's just stupid. But remember the reasons for being in NC mode. Block him online. Don't worry about the other guy and that awful date. Just chalk that up to a yuck experience and know that one day there will be a nice guy waiting to take you out and treat you better.
OpenBook Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I'm such a perfectionist that one little mistake made me feel like a failure (since I'd failed so many times in the past, I'd been feeling pretty good about sticking with it for so long). Well. Welcome to the human race. Allow yourself to be human whydon'tcha. You are so much more than your mistakes. I won't give up. I just have to make it through this day, I'll be probably be floating around on this board quite a bit. The weekends are the hardest. That's the spirit! In the end that's all that really counts -- not perfection, not failure -- but perseverance in the face of daunting obstacles. Even if you don't see how you're ever going to make it, you do it anyway. Whenever I go through something like this, I always come out on the other side incredibly grounded, and I can look my adversaries straight in the eye. I'm not afraid anymore -- the fear and insecurity has evaporated, and it's replaced with a steely-eyed KNOWING. I don't know how else to describe it. But I think you know what I'm talking about.
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