Still be friends after long-term relationship?

[khw]

Hi, this is my first post. I'm struggling to cope with my breakup of my girlfriend for over 4 years. We had met during the senior year of high school, and loved each other immensely. Although we were long-term, long-distance (I ended up going to college in St. Louis while she stayed in California), throughout the years I had felt that we still had that love. During all of my "breaks," I would go back home and visit her, and we would go out and sleep together and all those things that a couple do. Throughout the years we had talked about marriage and family and everything, looking forward to when we would both graduate and start our life together. However, during this spring break, when I came back to visit, she said that she didn't love me as a boyfriend anymore, and only wanted to be a friend to me. I still love her just as intensely as I had the first time I said I love her. I wanted to NC but that didn't work out well, went over to her place for dinner yesterday. I tried to talk to her, but it was so hard, as I couldn't hug/kiss her anymore. I couldn't even wrap my arms around her anymore. I realize that it's inappropriate behavior, but I just can't help it. She had been the love of my life, the best thing I had in my life, the picture next to my bed when I woke up 2000 miles away that I kissed every morning. I just don't know how to cope. I told her that it would probably be best if we forgot about each other during the end of that night, but when I got home, I couldn't help but AIM her. She wants to be friends, but every time I look at her I feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut.

 

Please help me

 

-KHW

[carhill]

Is there someone else?

 

Did she give you any reasons that could help you with closure?

 

This time let NC work. It will if you let it.

 

BTW, it's perfectly appropriate to hug a friend of the opposite sex. I do it all the time. Her/your aversion was perhaps due to an expectation that you would want more.

 

I think there's more to the story....

[khw]

No, there wasn't anyone else. She told me that she didn't love me as a boyfriend anymore, only as a friend. I guess she was trying to be nice, but in actuality, I feel like it hurts even more. It's just really hard not to contact her, she's been the biggest part of my life for the past years.

[LuCidiTy]

There may come a time when you can handle being just friends, but now is probably not that time because it will just prolong your agony. Your feelings are still very intimate and romantic and real and your wounds very fresh, so to remain or try to be friends at this point would just remind you of all that and reset your pain, give you hope where there may be none. Some people can get to that point again and others never can.

 

And there's absolutely nothing that stings more than hearing those words when you feel so much more, no matter with the kindness of the intention of the person who speaks them. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs when I hear them...I immediately reply that, I have plenty of friends, thank you, and I really don't need another...certainly not one I can't really talk to right now.

I thank my lucky stars that I didn't have to hear them this time.

 

That being said, it's tough losing the person you told everything to, ran everything by, whose opinions and thoughts mattered so much for so long. I feel for you, but know you will get past this and someday maybe even regain her as a friend.

[khw]

I know everyone's been saying that after some time it will get better, but it's almost been a week now that we've split, and I just can't help but be sad on what COULD have been. We were basically two months from moving on in a great life together, and then she drops this bombshell. It's just getting worse and worse on me

[BalancenLuv20]

I was in a long distance r-ship for well over a year. We talked about marriage and all that stuff down the road being hopeless romantics and all, but we're both young(20 and 17 now) and i knew deep down it was unrealistic this would last 4ever. I was attracted to her, but I was enjoying college and engaging in new experiences while she was attracted to me as more like an obsession missing me terribly and very depressed after I'd go back to school from visiting her...

 

it was unhealthy after a while and turned me off at times b/c she was so needy. she thought we would last 4ever until one night i had enough of her being so needy all the time and i broke her heart and told her i was afraid all these promises of our future I couldn't keep b/c of how young we were and that her neediness was driving me nuts, but that i still wanted to be with her. She agreed to stay with me however things went downhill quickly after that and the tables flipped and she became more distant, i became more needy and attached, i relocated back to our hometown, we stayed together about a month, didn't go too well and things finally hit the fan one night and I called it quits to make a long story short...

 

if I was you man I would just run for the hills. It's not healthy to contact her she doesn't love you anymore and you need to accept and move on, unlike me who after we ended it, still wanted to be in her life(not to mention was pressured by her as well so felt obligated to be). Trying to be in her life after we ended it turned into a nightmare, but it was an invaluable learning experience that taught me that a fragile heart like mine can't handle being part of an ex's life who no longer loved me, no longer cared the same way eventually telling me one day she no longer cared at all, and then that awful day and days afterwards of dealing with the fact that she quickly fell for someone else only weeks later who happened to be the guy i had suspected she had feelings for a while ago...

 

call her once more if you feel obliged to and tell her you can't do the friend thing, but most importantly, get out of her life and distance yourself before the hurt only grows worse and trust me it certainly will with her in your life...