Daisylady Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My girlfriend tells me I need to talk to other people who are going through marital problems like I am. I am in IC right now and am doing better, but sometimes get into a funk and just feel sorry for myself. So here is to salving our own problems[/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] Here is my story: Just over a year ago my husband returned home from a 5 month IA deployment to Qatar, Soccent in the the desert. While he was gone I thought everything was ok. He still called me and would tell that he missed me and the kids and how much he loved me. Then, a month before he was to come home he started making weird comments to me like, “ I don’t feel like we have anything in common” and “ I just do not have anything to say to you, I just call you because I always do, it’s just habit.” I was caught off guard by this because this was completely out of his nature. He was like this for a MONTH. So I don’t think it was just a “bad day” that caused him to say those things to me. Then we he came home he would not hold my hand, hug me, have *** with me. He just was so far away and yet was standing right next to me. After two days of my husband not wanting anything to do with I had had enough. I asked him what was wrong. He finally told me that, “I just don’t love you anymore.” WOW! That was a surprise! That was the last thing I was expecting. He said, “I do not know why, I just don’t love you anymore.” So in the meantime of having my nervous breakdown and crying all the time, I finally started to put things together. He was always on the phone, always, with another woman that he had served with in the desert. At first I just thought she was helping him cope with the transition back to civilian life, but after he dropped me like a rock I started thinking something else. He denied it of course saying, “She is just a friend and that his friends were none of my concern.” He also came home smoking and drinking which he did not do before he left. The worst point was when we first had ***. I basically had to seduce him into it, but in the middle of what I convinced myself was **** making, he said to me, “I can still have *** with you and not love you.” OUCH![/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So here I am a year later living at my best friend’s house putting my life back together. We tried MC and I found out that everything the C asked him to do and he had agreed to do, was not happening. The C asked him if he would let me read his text messages to help me start trusting him again. He agreed to let me do that. Well, whenever I would look there would be nothing to see. He later told me after I had left that he was deleting them on purpose just to “piss me off.” What an idiot! To this day ( I have been gone for six months) he still tells me he was messed up from the war and that he still loves me and the kids and wants us to come back. I feel like he blew it. I feel like I can not trust him. How can I stay married to a man who I can’t even trust? I have even had to go on antidepressants to help me with my anxiety and OCD since he has been home. I was compulsively checking his cell phone and wandering who he was talking to. My son says it best, “my daddy makes my mommy cry a lot.” My kids deserve better and so do I. I deserve to be happy again. Has anyone gone through something similar and found it brighter on the other side? I am an educated and attractive woman. I just want to know there is hope out there and that it is safe to trust again. [/sIZE][/FONT]
guessjeans Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Well, unfortunately, from what I can read inbetween the lines, your husband was having an affair with that woman. I have never been cheated on, but I know from experience, that once a man becomes infatuationed, interested emotionally and physically with someone other woman whether it be at work, gym, etc..somewhere where they see each other during the day a lot, they begin distancing themselves from their significant other. Before I got to the 2nd paragraph, I think i knew what you were doing to say. I read the book "Love Smart"...highly recommend it. Its from Dr. Phil, and in it, he talks about men and their abilities to focus on one thing at a time. And that, that focus is very intense. And no matter what is said or done, once they are focused on, in this situation, another woman, you are not going to be able to get through to him. People believe that the grass is greener on the other side, when in fact, it isnt. They just lost their way in the marriage, and dont know how to get back to a safe, loving place. You are doing the right thing by living apart. He needs to realize what his consenquences are to his actions. That there is a case and effect behind everything we do. He feels, or felt, that losing his family as he sees it then, was worth it for this woman. But trust me, that will wear off soon enough. The thing you have to do is become emotionally healthier and decide if you can ever trust him again. Trust can be earned back..it takes a lot of work, but it can be done..but it takes a very long time, and two very dedicated human beings to move on from it. I am sorry i can offer you more advice based on first hand knowledge, but what I can say is that although you are hurting now, remember that every pain you feel today, will ultimately be your badges of honour tomorrow.
Gunny376 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 5 month IA deployment to Qatar Qatar? Freaking Qatar? That's "R&R" (Rest and Relaxation) Duty? That's where Iraqi Vet's go to chill out! Qatar are one of our greatest allies in the Middle East?
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Qatar? Freaking Qatar? That's "R&R" (Rest and Relaxation) Duty? That's where Iraqi Vet's go to chill out! Qatar are one of our greatest allies in the Middle East? Yeah...found myself thinking the exact same thing. BS excuse. The war ****ed me up. Pretty lame. Sorry that you're having to deal with this, Daisylady. I don't say this often, but he sounds like a really immature and selfish sh*t. There is hope as long as we live and breathe, and your heart will know when it's time to trust again.
sedgwick Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Wow. You are such an inspiration. The fact that you know you deserve better and that you're attractive and have something to offer, despite the way he's acting, is incredible. I was dumped 8 months ago today and I have never had less self-esteem in my life. Interestingly, I've also never had more going for me in my life -- professionally I've made great leaps in the last year. But none of them feel like they're worth anything, because HE doesn't think I'm worth anything. And as for thinking I'm at all attractive, forget it. I don't think I'll ever see myself as a sexual being again. The best part is that I have significantly more education than he does but I keep telling myself he must have dumped me because I'm stupid. Sigh.
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