samhowbat Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 My husband is self-employed and has many business contacts. One of these contacts, that he met 3 years ago, has become his "friend". Over these years, they have become closer and for about the last year, I have gotten to the point of insanity. She is not attractive but is extremely funny. She is a business contact that does benefit his business so I was trying to be understanding. On a typical day, they call each other about 6 or 7 times with each call lasting from 10 minutes to over an hour. He doesn't spend more than 10 minutes on the phone with any other "business contact". She took him out for drinks on his birthday, when I was at work. She took him out to lunch the friday before christmas and gave him a gift (expensive tequila). He did some work on her house, and didn't charge her for it. I feel like this has crossed the line. I don't feel as though there is anything sexual between them but I have felt the effects of their emotional connection. He never talks about work any more. I did discuss this with him a while ago. I was up front and honest about how it made me feel and that I truly believe that she is in love with him. I told him he was blind if he didn't see that. He did finally agree that she may have those feelings for him but that she has never acted on them and he is sure that she knows he does not feel the same way. He did try to keep the calls short for a while but now talks with her more than ever. What should I do? I just wish he knew how this feels. What do I do??
Mr. Lucky Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Well, it sure sounds like at least an EA. A friendship supplements your married life, an EA attempts to replace part of it. If he is putting emotional energy into the relationship at the expense of his marriage, then he is effectively cheating on you. I think you handle it that same as a PA. You get into MC to find out what missing part of your M opened the door for this. You ask your H to limt his contact with her. If she's married, you consider exposing the relationship to her H. You act to protect yourself and your marriage. If your H refuses to participate in the solution, then he's part of the problem. Are you prepared to act accordingly? Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 If she's eaten dinner at your house and he talks on the phone to her in front of you (and you feel comfortable), it's a friendship. If he's secretive, it's an EA. Since she appears to be a valued business contact, do what I do with such contacts (I'm self-employed also); have hubby invite her and any SO over for dinner. My wife has male clients (she's a stylist) and male friends (she's human). Trust is a two way street. Even if/when I am unsatisfied with our marriage, I still trust her. Does that make sense? I can in no way control her actions, only how I react and what actions I perform. IMO, if you attempt to include this woman as a trusted business colleague of your husband and such fails, then you cannot control what they do, only what you do. What and how you do it will determine the success or failure of your relationship. I wish you well
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Yup, you need to be included in their friendship if she is going to be his friend. Them spending one on one time together isn't a good thing. I doubt he is going to cheat on you, but since he IS aware that she has feelings for him - That IS a problem because it's only a matter of time before she starts making up excuses for him to come by and fix this and that around her house, or some 'personal' emergency that only HE can help her with. He needs to just distance himself from her and not talk to her as much on the phone and let her know that 'he's going to be busier with you and the family' so he won't be available as much as before. IF she is smart, she'll take that as a hint and back off, detach and rely on someone else, maybe a female friend more, instead of having him in her daily life so much. They need to get it back to professional co-workers, not away from work buddy's. Tell him how you feel. One night invite her for dinner, just see how that goes..You'll know what's what by her body language, how comfortable she is around you.
Author samhowbat Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 She does not have a husband, in fact, she has not had a relationship at all in the 3 years he has known her. I have met her a few times and really liked her. The concern started when she asked me to set her up. I asked her what kind of guy are you interested in? Her reply was "Oh, you know, one like your husband". And then she asked him out for drinks on his birthday, and then lunch before christmas. I'm convinced she is in love with him and I'm convinced that he likes the attention. I tried to not let it bother me but it does. I tried talking to him about it and since then, the only difference I see is that he avoids talking about her. If his cell phone rings and I ask him who it is, he lies about it if it's her. When I asked him why he lied, he said he wants to avoid a fight. I explained to him that lying just makes me think he is hiding something. I just feel like that if he knew how it really felt to be in my position, he would find a way to turn that "friendship" into a business contact, like it's supposed to be. What do I do????
Author samhowbat Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 I did invite her to dinner one night with us. It went fine. They talked a little about work and she made him laugh alot. I felt better about it for a while thinking, would she really have come out to dinner with us if she was in love with him? The phone calls have become more frequent and she never calls the house, always his cell phone. He never answers the cell phone when I am around. I feel like she is trying to become his best friend in hopes that he will fall in love with her.
blair08 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 She does not have a husband, in fact, she has not had a relationship at all in the 3 years he has known her. I have met her a few times and really liked her. The concern started when she asked me to set her up. I asked her what kind of guy are you interested in? Her reply was "Oh, you know, one like your husband". And then she asked him out for drinks on his birthday, and then lunch before christmas. I'm convinced she is in love with him and I'm convinced that he likes the attention. I tried to not let it bother me but it does. I tried talking to him about it and since then, the only difference I see is that he avoids talking about her. If his cell phone rings and I ask him who it is, he lies about it if it's her. When I asked him why he lied, he said he wants to avoid a fight. I explained to him that lying just makes me think he is hiding something. I just feel like that if he knew how it really felt to be in my position, he would find a way to turn that "friendship" into a business contact, like it's supposed to be. What do I do???? Major redflags here. I think you need to sit down with your H and have a heart to heart. Truly tell him how you feel. I would also suggest MC. I understand she is a business contact, BUT for the sake of your marriage and if your H wants to work on things in the marriage, he will have to drop her as a business contact, period. He ned to understand what he could loose in his marriage.
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 So, you've had personal contact with her. Good. That should make further contact easier. Your task is to focus on the health of your relationship. We've already established your concern for this business relationship/friendship/??. OK, now let's look at how you can react in a different way, since the current way seems not to be helpful. I will use an example. I have a female friend whom I've known most of my adult life, far before I met my wife. I was once in love with her. My wife was naturally concerned when I re-established contact with her last year. My wife's last husband cheated on her with a mutual friend. So, I was naturally a bit leary of this issue and initially did not tell her of my contact. Later (a couple of months later) my friend's reaction to my not being honest with my wife convinced me I should be. I admitted my mistake, rectified it and my wife and my friend have had significant social contact since then. My friend has helped me resolve my old feelings for her and I'm doing much better and not feeling guilty anymore. I listened to my wife's concerns and acted in a way beneficial to her because I value her respect and know it was the right thing to do in our relationship. LS helped me understand the "friend zone" better and now I'm happy (not frustrated) with the supplement my friend brings into my life, as she is with me. I've always been more emotionally close to women, having many platonic friends over the years, and miss them, kind of like women miss their girlfriends, as I don't bond very well with males (different universe ). Anyway, the key is honesty and respect, and those don't seem to be on your husband's plate right now. What do you do?? Considering the length of this relationship and his unwillingness to show you honesty and respect, I would request he join you in MC if he wishes the marriage to continue. If he refuses, I would attend IC and clarify my perspective and consider the prospect of moving forward without him.
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 I did invite her to dinner one night with us. It went fine. They talked a little about work and she made him laugh alot. I felt better about it for a while thinking, would she really have come out to dinner with us if she was in love with him? The phone calls have become more frequent and she never calls the house, always his cell phone. He never answers the cell phone when I am around. I feel like she is trying to become his best friend in hopes that he will fall in love with her. Hmmm.... How long ago was that dinner? (I was typing my prior post while you posted that) Given the additional information, I would be less patient. I know, when we all have dinner (my wife, my friend and her SO) she and I in no way monopolize each other's time; in fact, usually she and my wife disappear for some "girl talk" as they have similar interests. I'm left to figure out how to communicate with her SO who probably is wondering why I wasn't trying to jump his girl, since that's what men always do Anyway, push forward with counseling. I echo the red flags....
Jackson2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Samhowbat, this is very dangerous and you know it! You have stated that she is probably in love with him and he really like the attention and thus he likes her in some way. If the moment is right and she offer him some type of sex, he might turn it down the first time, but, if she insist again and again, he might just give in. Bang, before you know it, he is liking the sexual favors too and all his needs will be met by her. What does he need you for then?
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 The phone calls have become more frequent and she never calls the house, always his cell phone. He never answers the cell phone when I am around. I feel like she is trying to become his best friend in hopes that he will fall in love with her. Look, he KNOWS this friendship with her is wrong, and so does she, hense her only calling him on his cell, and him sneaking off to talk to her and not tell you it's her calling. Honestly, if he isn't going to slow down and detach from her, take this matter into your hands (when all else fails here, try talking to him again and make it CLEAR to him that you do NOT approve of their friendship, infact ask him how HE would feel if you had a close male friend, who only called your cell, whom you'd talk to when he's not around, go to his house, help him with HIS housework...TRUST ME, your H would FLIP OUT with jealously!!) and talk to them both together. In the same room! Tell them both you find their friendship completely inappropriate, that you feel very excluded and it's unhealthy for them to be so close seeing as HE is your husband. She is not stupid either...She knows you have a problem with her, but she doesn't care because she's getting something from your husband...Just as he is getting an ego feed from her. Just a suggestion to talk to them both if he is unwilling to listen to you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Just a suggestion to talk to them both if he is unwilling to listen to you. And a good suggestion at that. Look, if you really want to end this, make it uncomfortable for her. Since you don't seem to be able to get your H's attention (a separate problem in itself ), get hers. Tell her how the frequency and secrecy of the phone calls makes you feel. I'll bet she'll, if not stop, at least slow down to a more acceptable level... Mr. Lucky
georgia girl Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I hate to be the rebel here, but what about the other side? IMO, no man talks on the phone for an hour or more or takes 6-7 calls from a client on a regular basis if he's not interested as well. Maybe you are correct that he likes the ego stroke, but my thought is that he really likes the friendship. I don't think they're doing anything and I don't think it means that he's in love with her. But, I think he's found something outside of his relationship with you that she fulfills. Rather than being so focused on her feelings, I'd be focused on your husband's. Good luck.
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