wife having affair with boss

[david65]

Good for you bligh. You've taken back some control. You don't need any more proof to counter her lies but you must do what you must do for the sake of your sanity and your step-kids as they will need all the support they can get. This will be a confusing and upsetting time for them as well as you. Do they still regularly see their dad? They might need his support as well as yours.

 

You've got friends here so keep on using us as support. Tonight is likely to be a significant time for me and my partner too so I'll be needing your support too. If only I could heed my own advice

[twice_shy]

tonight my wife left her work email open and I took a look at her sent messages to her boss. Three of the emails from this past week could be charitabley described as "sexual flirting". I had bought her a "heart" cd this past week. She said she liked the song "magic man" . On one of her emails she told him, the day after they were traveling in his van, " Magic Man has a whole new connotation for me now...." another said that " I found today, that even though I have finished my lunch I am still ravenous. Isn't it awful when ones appetites go unfullfilled...."

 

this is on a state internal email system, so she knows she has to watch what she says. Sure looks like the smoking gun that I was looking for. What do y'all think?

 

I think you should forward the email to the head honcho at the company and CC her and her boss.

 

Then just sit back and wait.

[mark982]

twice shy, i was wondering when someone would post that.

[luvstarved]

I think you should forward the email to the head honcho at the company and CC her and her boss.

 

Then just sit back and wait.

 

I think he should at least wait for the incontrovertible evidence first...as much of a technical detail as that may seem...

 

Also, first consider the full spectrum of potential ramifications. Some say revenge is sweet but it can have a pretty lousy aftertaste.

[Stockalone]

I think he should at least wait for the incontrovertible evidence first...as much of a technical detail as that may seem...

 

Given that he already has the e-mails, there is no need to be hasty. But those e-mails, on her e-mail account from work, would be enough to start an investigation if this were to happen at the company I work for.

 

As for confronting the wife, I would also try to get incontrovertible evidence, if that is possible.

 

 

Also, first consider the full spectrum of potential ramifications. Some say revenge is sweet but it can have a pretty lousy aftertaste.

 

Notifying her workplace is IMO not even a matter of revenge. There are good reasons why companies have corporate ethics policies.

 

She could be using her inappropriate relationship (if it's not an affair it is at least that) with her boss to get co-workers she doesn't get along with, transfered or even fired.

 

I wouldn't hesitate to contact her workplace if more evidence is discovered. Thinking about potential ramifications is sound advice but what is seen as revenge by some can very well be seen as justice by others. And justice doesn't come with a lousy aftertaste.

[luvstarved]

Given that he already has the e-mails, there is no need to be hasty. But those e-mails, on her e-mail account from work, would be enough to start an investigation if this were to happen at the company I work for.

 

As for confronting the wife, I would also try to get incontrovertible evidence, if that is possible.

 

 

 

 

Notifying her workplace is IMO not even a matter of revenge. There are good reasons why companies have corporate ethics policies.

 

She could be using her inappropriate relationship (if it's not an affair it is at least that) with her boss to get co-workers she doesn't get along with, transfered or even fired.

 

I wouldn't hesitate to contact her workplace if more evidence is discovered. Thinking about potential ramifications is sound advice but what is seen as revenge by some can very well be seen as justice by others. And justice doesn't come with a lousy aftertaste.

 

Hmmm... I assume you know the term 'vigilante'? 'Justice' has a very lousy aftertaste if it is dispensed based on one person's biased point of view. By saying 'what is seen as revenge by some can very well by seen as justice by others', you make my point. True justice is not subjective.

 

Ever been in a workplace where an affair was going on? How completely clueless were people about it going on? How many came as a TOTAL SHOCK TO EVERYONE when they were revealed? And ... in the end... what happens when they are? Usually, ONE of the people goes (the less important one) and the other gets a tsk tsk speech. At least in the corporate world - the employer will do what is in their own best interests...anyway, I can almost guarantee that if an A is going on, there are people at the workplace who are aware of it.

 

The OP hasn't indicated that his W has used sex for anything other than ego-serving and/or cheap thrills.

 

I am not saying that the OP should absolutely not reveal his information to the employer, just that he should tread very very carefully. Perhaps he could get information on just what the company policy is. Some companies don't give a rat's ass about employee behavior outside of the actual workplace, so would just feel put upon to get this information if it does not include daytime trysts behind closed office doors that compromise productivity.

 

And what if he does and his wife does get fired? Is that in his own best interests? Maybe it is...but maybe not.

[david65]

My partner of 26 years left me this morning after I discovered her affair. I had planned everything in my head, about getting the other man, what I'd do to him, I know where he lives, the things I'd say to her as she left to hurt her. But in the end I didn't none of those and I'm glad. We parted without angry words or recriminations and I feel better for it. I have not stooped to her level and acted without thought for the consequences. This is too desperately sad a situation for you and me to talk about taking the moral high ground but I do honestly feel I have retained my dignity. You can do this too bligh but you need self control and strength.

[twice_shy]

I think he should at least wait for the incontrovertible evidence first.

 

I'd say the emails speak for themselves. And in any case, lets just say they are not having an affair, the emails are DEFINITELY inappropriate. Not only for use on company email, but inappropriate since they are both married.

[twice_shy]

My partner of 26 years left me this morning after I discovered her affair. I had planned everything in my head, about getting the other man, what I'd do to him, I know where he lives, the things I'd say to her as she left to hurt her. But in the end I didn't none of those and I'm glad. We parted without angry words or recriminations and I feel better for it. I have not stooped to her level and acted without thought for the consequences. This is too desperately sad a situation for you and me to talk about taking the moral high ground but I do honestly feel I have retained my dignity. You can do this too bligh but you need self control and strength.

 

Bligh needs to do what I do, if he ever divorces his wife that is, and that is too tell the OM he'd like to buy him a beer for taking out his trash.

 

Sure I have animosity towards my X and her OM for destroying the family, but actually its a blessing. If it weren't for the OM, I wouldn't have discovered what a lousy wench she really is. He saved my life actually. She is now his problem.

[Stockalone]

Hmmm... I assume you know the term 'vigilante'? 'Justice' has a very lousy aftertaste if it is dispensed based on one person's biased point of view. By saying 'what is seen as revenge by some can very well by seen as justice by others', you make my point. True justice is not subjective.

 

There is no such thing as true justice, you can always debate if the penalty fits the crime. Informing the authorities (in this case his wife's company) of possible misbehaviour is not an act of vigilantism.

 

A vigilante acts outside of the law, and notifying her workplace can hardly be seen as illegal.

 

 

Ever been in a workplace where an affair was going on? How completely clueless were people about it going on? How many came as a TOTAL SHOCK TO EVERYONE when they were revealed? And ... in the end... what happens when they are? Usually, ONE of the people goes (the less important one) and the other gets a tsk tsk speech. At least in the corporate world - the employer will do what is in their own best interests...anyway, I can almost guarantee that if an A is going on, there are people at the workplace who are aware of it.

 

Just because co-workers are aware of the situation, and in most cases at least some are, doesn't mean that they will be the ones informing someone upstairs about the situation. Some don't care, others fear possible carreer damage.

 

And yes, I have experienced how problematic an affair can be for the co-workers. Granted, that was in the military and things are handled differently there, but I don't think it would be wrong to notify her company if he wants to.

 

 

The OP hasn't indicated that his W has used sex for anything other than ego-serving and/or cheap thrills.

 

I am not saying that she is, but such things do happen and are one of the reasons why companies have those corporate ethics policies.

 

 

I am not saying that the OP should absolutely not reveal his information to the employer, just that he should tread very very carefully. Perhaps he could get information on just what the company policy is. Some companies don't give a rat's ass about employee behavior outside of the actual workplace, so would just feel put upon to get this information if it does not include daytime trysts behind closed office doors that compromise productivity.

 

He said that his wife works for the state and so I assumed that accusations of this nature would be taken seriously.

 

 

And what if he does and his wife does get fired? Is that in his own best interests? Maybe it is...but maybe not.

 

Of course he has to think things through but as you said, maybe it is in his best interest and maybe it's not. He has to decide what he wants to do about his wife possibly having an affair.

[JustBreathe]

Discovering evidence of my husband's infidelity was extremely painful, but years down the road I don't regret knowing. Yes, it hurts, but there are benefits to knowing the details. When your spouse is cheating they change. They act different towards you. If you confront them, they lie, and inside you know they're lying but you start to wonder if maybe you're overly jealous or possessive or maybe you've got some other problem, or it's YOU that's the problem. When you find out all the truth, it makes you feel like you're not crazy after all. Like you can trust your own judgment again. You know who you're dealing with. If you have no proof, she will lie and be more careful not to get caught. You will tip her off.

 

I would not tell the OM's job just yet. If he were a stalker OM then it would be different, but most are just cowards who will dump their OWs and run for the hills.

 

I would get my hard evidence so she can't sit there and lie to you and you start to question your sanity and second guess yourself. Show her the evidence (in my case I printed out an instant message conversation where I pretended to be my H), and tell her to start talking immediately because if she doesn't you'll be contacting OM and his wife next.

 

Then, tell the OM's wife regardless. You talk to the wife, not the OM because if you talk to OM he will lie to his wife and she'll think you're some kind of freak.

 

The reason you tell OM's wife is twofold. One is to lessen the chances that they will reunite once the smoke clears. Carrying on their affair when both spouses know is nearly impossible. Secondly, the wife deserves to know, just as you know. She needs to know her husband is screwing around on her.

[Sal Paradise]

Perhaps you should wait to gather more evidence but you should definately turn them both in to their employer once you have what you feel is the smoking gun. If you never get the smoking gun turn them in anyways.

[bligh]

Well, time for an update. I followed my wife, and as luck would have it, ran right into her. I could only tell her that I was following her, and gave her copies of the emails, along with the calls to her when he knew that she was out late. She came up with all kinds of implausible excuses, but said that "everyone" at work talked like that. Funny thing was, she could not produce a single email to another male employee other than her boss that contained the sexual innuendo that was contained in the emails that went between her and her boss. She strongly denied that anything was going on.

 

On the last night that she came home late, and I was questioning her as to how her boss could know that she was working out that late, she said that a bunch of people from her office worked out at the YMCA with her- her boss being one of them- and that he had only called her to make sure that she had gotten on the road ok. The problem is, I called the Y and he is not and never has been a member.

 

When I questioned her about one of the emails from last week that referenced the song "Magic Man" from the Heart CD that I had bought her - she had sent him an email saying that "Incidentally, Magic Man has a whole new connotation to me....." She at first had no explaination- then an hour later said that her boss, her coworker, and herself were riding around in the bosses van to a job with that CD playing and they had made up silly alternative lyrics to the song. Not believing that two 50 something year old men would be doing something like that, I asked her if I picked up the phone and called her boss and coworker if they would give me the same explaination. She gave me a terrified look and then blurted out " they probably have forgotten the whole thing. When I pointed out that the boss would obviously remember something reference like this in a three day old email, she begged me to just forget the whole thing. "Nothing happened, and I will not send any more emails like that".

 

She then said SHE would talk to the boss, and get back to me. When I told her that I needed to hear back from the boss personally-by phone or email- she again begged for me to let her handle it. Then agreed that he would get back with me.

 

Well, it has been two days and nothing from the boss. She has been loving and calls all the time to let me know where she is. I don't believe that she has any intention of telling the boss anything- and is hoping that I will just quietly drop the matter- as I have not said another word about it. I don't think I am dreaming up this affair, and I think that she thinks that if she plays her cards right she can both have me at home and him at work if she just lays low for awhile.

 

She obviously will not tell me the truth until completely cornered. My plan is to get together my package of information and proof and go by and confront the boss tommorrow when she has the day off. I don't think she has told him anything- if he knows she has an angry, suspicious husband he will drop the affair-something that she probably wants to continue- but this time during the day when they both can come and go to the office because of the nature of their work.

 

I plan to go in there and shoot verbal arrows into him until he tells me the truth, with the idea that I will go to his boss and wife unless he does so.

Now that my wife is on high alert, I think it is the only way to get the truth that I want.

 

any ideas?

[Arch]

Just get a divorce - you should not need to be constantly wondering if she is cheating - which it sounds like she is.

 

Either that or tell her to quit her job and never talk to her boss again.

[TheRain]

She has not been where she says she is going. He is calling her when I am not around. She reacted violently when my son and I stopped by her work to take her to lunch. She is always telling me that he is a great guy in a lousy marriage. She is no longer having sex with me but has gone on birth control. I found a condom in her jacket. Ect.

 

 

Why is she not intimate with you anymore? If she is using birth control and condom, she might have more than one affair partner. Birth control for the one(s) that she believes are clearn and condom for the one(s) that she believe might have diseases.

 

Definately alert the OM's wife. Don't tell your wife in advanced, becasue she will do anything to stop you. OM's wife deserves to know and that's one of the best ways to stop an affair.

[Stockalone]

At the very least she is hiding something and I don't think it is unreasonable to think she is trying to hide an affair.

 

Now, if she is having an affair, I am pretty sure that she would have told the guy involved that you have confronted her and asked questions. Now that she is aware of your suspicions, I would expect them to match their strories/answers as soon as possible if they haven't already done so. So I doubt you will get much out of her boss. They are warned now and you didn't get undeniable proof in the process. If you need that sort of proof, I think a PI would be a good solution, if you can afford one.

 

And going to her workplace to confront her boss might not be such a good idea. I don't know how this is handled in the U.S. but I assume he can have security throw you out of the building or even get you arrested by the police.

 

And instead of backing off, they could just be more cautious while continuing the affair.

[LadyDi]

I would NOT go to their office. Very bad idea. You could get locked up!

[TheRain]

I would NOT go to their office. Very bad idea. You could get locked up!

 

If he acts civil, he won't. If he act cool and calm, it can only make OM look bad.

[Owl]

I'd suggest putting all your "proof" together and taking it to the HR department, instead of her boss.

 

One or the other will need to leave the workplace for this to end. This is the perfect way to do it. Either go to the "boss's boss"...or to HR. Give them copies (keep originals) of the proof, inform them that there is an affair going on during company time, and being aided by company materials...and that you're requesting that they take appropriate action to correct the situation. Tell them that you're positive that a reputable company such as theirs would never condone or support such action, and that you know that use of company time and materials (such as email) to support this kind of immoral action is clearly against their policy.

 

Be polite, business like, and calm the entire time. Thank them when you're done. And walk out.

 

Give them a couple days, wait and see what your wife does...

 

If you don't get any reactions from that, take it higher up the chain.

 

If you take it to her boss, he'll deny everything, and do everything he can to make you look like a crazy person. Don't waste time and effort on him.

[Owl]

Alternatively, you could take everything to you lawyer, and have him draft a professional letter with this information, and send the whole thing over "legally documented" to them. Make it an even greater issue for them if they try to avoid it.

[Rogue]

She's definitely shagging someone. Ditch the bitch! When women start holding out on sex and you find condoms and things, there's all the proof you need. Pack her bags and initiate divorce proceedings. The trust has already gone and you will never get that back no matter what you do. Where there's no trust there is no relationship.

 

Don't go to her work, that's highly inappropriate.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Rogue

[JustBreathe]

Bligh, I went back to the beginning of this thread and saw someone had posted your old post which went into her sexual past. I'm certainly no therapist, but she sounds like a sex addict. Addicted to sex like some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol. Like other addictions, there's no cure, but with therapy they can learn to cope with their addiction and control it to a degree. Sometimes they have relapses just like other addicts. Even if you were a model husband and the perfect spouse, it wouldn't matter. It's her own thing to deal with, you cannot help her. Read up on it on the internet.

 

I wonder if this OM she's seeing now isn't just someone she was grooming to be her next lover. Who knows. Maybe she sleeps around alot more than you think or want to think about.

 

If you're on good terms with the stepkids' dad, I would talk to him and see what he says. I don't think it would hurt anything. He may even lend a sympathetic ear which is something you could use right now.

 

As for telling the boss and going to his job and all of that, I think maybe it's too early for that. Wait for more concrete proof. But DO tell the wife and offer to share your evidence, see if she has some thoughts or information of her own to share. She may hang up as OM may have run home and told her some lie and she bought it. But it will plant a seed in her mind nonetheless.

 

You've been married only 3 years. Maybe you've never trusted her, and with good reason.

 

That's my little spiel. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Edited March 20, 2008 by JustBreathe

[luvstarved]

I am curious about her explanation of the condoms. While they were innocently joking around with racy song lyrics, were they blowing up condom balloons too? Man they are just too witty.

 

I still would back off on the confrontation. What about that sliver that you could be wrong? If my H said he thought I was having an affair with my boss and was going to go talk to him about it, I WOULD BE MORTIFIED even though not out of guilt...just sheer embarrassment. And fear that I might lose my job!!

 

Sorry I missed the part about her working for the state. I do not know how that would work..my H is a federal employee though and I have heard tales of many an unsavory type staying in the system because it is a bureaucratic nightmare to get rid of anyone!! Just an annoying bunch of paperwork that causes a ripple of office banter before drying up and blowing away...so I don't care how "compelling" his proof is. It might NEED to be inarguable.

 

I dunno guess you have to go with your gut. My gut would say, get thee to a lawyer.

[luvstarved]

I dunno guess you have to go with your gut. My gut would say, get thee to a lawyer.

 

Just wanted to clarify that I did not mean that statement to be synonymous with "divorce her". I just meant, get your legal position understood, find out what your next best move is.

[ladyintights]

It's obvious that she's a methodical cheater and unsympathetic for her victims as well. Why even bother? Let her keep ****ing her boss and you find greener pastures!!!! 80+ men? Please, there is no stopping this woman!