So We're Trying this "BREAK" thing out. Give Insight!

[MissJerrica]

Sooo...

 

I will try and just give the cliff's notes version of this story about me and my boyfriend of five months. We met and instantly became inseparable, it was probably the last thing that i was looking for when it happened but there was just no denying the instant chemical reaction or whatever you will call it. We spent 6 out of 7 days of the week together for the first few months...this became just the way of life, but im not denying that it didnt strain our relationship, there were many times where im sure we both felt like we needed alone time, but the opportunity to spend time together and do things as a couple always arose and we were always intoxicated by the desire to do these things instead of give ourselves some much needed space to just enjoy each other more. So lately we have slipped into this limbo, things havent been terrible but they havent been fulfilling, i feel as though i have had much better love in my life, and although he is very devoted to me and always has time for me, i still feel that there is this big wall between us, partly on my side, and partly on his. He has issues articulating his feelings for anyone, but he does a fine job at showing them, which i guess is just the more important part. I am the type of person who is very passionate and when i care for someone i love to let them know and never wonder what is going on in my head and my heart. So last night we came to the conclusion that we have just been bickering with each other too much because we havent granted one another any time to relax, acknowledge the problems in the relationship, think independently about how we can both solve them to make each other happy while meanwhile appeasing our own needs and wants. When the idea of a break arose i was curious to try it out but then the rebel side of me that was trying to push out an emotional response from him came up and told him that its either we work on it as a team or we just break up completely, that i didnt want any part in this stupid "Limbo" sh*t so to count me out if he couldnt do it the way i wanted...then he said why does it have to be my way or the highway? so i agreed that we will do this break thing, that was my idea in the first place.. We have it set up for a few days...we have plans to go on a day trip on this coming thursday..and we decided until then we should take some time to clear our heads and work on what we can to help out each other and make each other feel better about the relationship. So we both assured one another that this had nothing to do with a commitment phobia, or that we wanted to see other people, because we both agreed that even if we called it quits for good we would both be very upset over it and wouldnt go right out there and date other people, so point is...he said of course we will be together again , that he can just turn off his emotions like that, and that he still cares deeply for me, but we agreed that if we wanted to save this relationship, we should probably take a second back from one another to analyze what we can do to improve things while giving space to the stress we have both been placed under to let things simmer out...so my question is, do you think this is a sure fire route to break up? or do you think this was a good plan on our part?? I have never done this "Break" thing, but i do see how it could definitely be beneficial, sometimes i wonder if i had done this break thing in my other relationships if it would have fixed things...tell me what you guys think..i would GREATLY appreciate it! Im not so lost and scared about this all, i figure if its meant to be it will be...of course i do want to work things out with him but i dont feel the need to harass the situation, because in all honesty, i needed a break..things needed to come to a point..they werent terrible but they were becoming stressing on each other.... give me your thoughts and insights please!

[carhill]

Firstly, welcome

 

Secondly, paragraphs, please! It makes the reading so much easier

 

My take is you and BF have different engagement and communication styles. That's not uncommon. You also appear to be in the early stages of the relationship, where desire to be together sometimes overwhelms one's sense of themselves.

 

If the two of you can be alone without having the need to seek out other partners, then I think the break can be healthy. Much depends on your and his mindsets. If one or both of you have to have constant companionship, then a break will be tenuous IMO.

 

Personal time is important to any relationship. I purposely make or suggest such time to my wife, because I tend to be the "female" in our relationship, always connecting. Alone time lets her collect her thoughts and "miss" me, or not

 

I think you and your BF can work out something less than being joined at the hip and more than being "on a break". I hope so

[MissJerrica]

Carhill-

 

Thanks for your feedback, its greatly appreciated!

 

i dont think we have anyone else in mind...i would have figured that out by now if it were the case...i just find it very discouraging to have this issue right now..and i am a deep thinker and analyzer, i find myself thinking and talking in circles which exhausts me.. and when things get stressed in relationships it just really gets under my skin and i blame myself a lot when really i shouldnt.

 

i guess i just have to throw it to the wind and let whatever happens happen, right? sometimes i think being single is soo much more appealing... i think i enjoy it more..but i do really care for this guy...can someone find me some middle ground!? haha..

[carhill]

OK, first, tell me why you enjoy being single more. This is important to understand your perspective.

 

Personally, after having been married nearly eight years, there are times when I think I preferred being single (which I was for many years). I have a similar engagement style as you do, deeply thinking and analyzing, and it sometimes overwhelms me too. In my case, MC had been real helpful in teaching me tools to moderate this behavior.

 

Question: Has this been a pattern for you in past relationships? Also, approximately how old are you?

 

I like to think of a relationship as a pendulum which swings from one side to another, eventually finding a middle ground, with time being the counterspring which drives it. Eventually, if no one stops by to continually wind the spring, the middle point is reached. Equilibrium. Nirvana

 

Give it time (that's what I meant)...

[MissJerrica]

Carhill,

 

Yeah over analyzing can be a beast! i hate it! what i realize is that not every relationship you have is going to be the same, not every one should be treated like the sole reason for living! its so deeply important to view relationships as an addition onto your life, not what its all about.

 

which is why its important to have individual time apart. Im a young one, only 22, but i have had my deep relationships before, i pretty much almost married my last boyfriend who was 6 years my senior. Point is, i have a lot of learning to do, and i dont want to be type-casted for my age, because i do feel as though i have experienced more than most my age...

 

but we all know that doesnt compensate for the things that only living and aging can deliver.

 

Him and I share so many common views and interests, i really like him and i hope it will work out, but if it doesnt this is just another learning experience to put on my plate . Life is never a waste if you derive insight from your experiences, and i plan on learning from everything i can until the day i die!

 

To answer your question, i like being single because it is just care free, the obvious reasons being you only have yourself to worry about and you dont have this relationship to cloud your mind ..i tend to accidentally fall into this pattern where i let my personal relationships harbor a LOT of my own personal validation, which i feel is wrong.

 

This break barely started with him and i but already i have come to realize a lot, on my own...and i dont feel the need to contact him yet because i still want time to see what happens and if we end up missing one another, you know? in the past, any time we have spent apart we have aways taken immense joy in reuniting because we missed one another a lot, so if its meant to be this time wont be any different... but i need to grant myself the ability to have that there..you know?

[carhill]

Would you say your BF validates the depth with which you value and analyze your relationship with him? Or, does he think such is superfluous? You said he has a hard time articulating his feelings, but shows them through actions. Give me an example, and how you put words to the understanding of his action..

 

Tell us what happened to end the relationship with the BF you almost married. Also, how long after that relationship ended did you start up with this boyfriend, assuming no others in between (I assume such because you're young)?

 

In case you're curious, this is the style our psychologist uses to understand our perspectives and to help us examine ourselves. It's been quite effective with me anyway. My wife has a more difficult history and has more problems being introspective, which is why I've given the process time.

 

With reuniting, there is joy, but it should be tempered with an understanding of the reasons for taking a break and what each person hopes to accomplish, both for themselves and for the relationship. Time will tell if it is the work that both of you wish to succeed at.

[MissJerrica]

Hmm...

I dont know..after thinking about him and us i might not want to get back together, i still have much more contemplating to do, but i feel as though being emotionally unavailable is just a characteristic of him. He can only show me he cares in certain ways, in greeting cards, or just by the way he gives me his time and makes sacrifices, but i am a very emotionally connected person, therefore i dont know if i should settle for this.

 

My last relationship ended in a very painful way..it was bound to happen, we had just drifted beyond the point of salvation and we had over come many terrible obstacles that i never could heal from. We had a very profound love but it was ridden with mistrust and drama. Him and i have been apart for over a year now, and me and my new boyfriend didnt meet and start dating until 7 months after that ended.

 

I am afraid to say good bye because that is a hard thing for me to do with anyone i care for in my life, but i really need to analyze things and make the right decision for myself. As everyone is, i am scared of rejection, and sometimes it seems as though rejection heightens everything to a point where even if its what you wanted, if you didnt feel totally in control of it then it makes you feel scared, insecure, and confused.

 

I dont want to be weak or afraid of those things, i want to know what i want and i want to be able to pick and choose the type of things i get myself involved with and truly feel reciprocation in my close bonds with people.

 

Hes a great guy, but maybe hes just not the one for me?...and if i realize he isnt then i should definitely jump ship because if i stayed i would either try and change him "Fix him" or compromise my own happiness to settle for this...and neither of those options result in happiness.

 

I dont know how much he cares, but i guess we will find out, and i will work on figuring out what is best for me in the long run, not what quenches this desire right now... what is your aspect on this??

 

[LuCidiTy]

On reading the OP, two impressions immediately came to mind.

 

The first was that you accelerated the relationship and skipped a few steps...not uncommon in many situations, and maybe the decision you came to and are calling a break is really just maybe backtracking and taking those steps now. I'm not sure a relationship can ever be real and lasting and whole unless all the steps are covered in whatever order. Does that make sense?

 

The second impression was that what you describe as a break is pretty much just normal everyday life stuff, not particularly traumatic or lengthy. Maybe this means something like one or the other of you have anxiety about it and uncertainty about the relationship to begin with and maybe not...just an impression.

[carhill]

Yes, in looking back, my wife and I progressed slowly dating, maybe once every couple weeks to once a week, etc and intimacy grew slowly as we got to know each other better. Of course, we were nearly twice the age of the OP. I think I know what you mean by "steps". We didn't have sexual relations for nearly 4 months IIRC. Of course, everyone is different, but too much too fast could be valid.

 

OP, if you can be alone and feel OK, I think a hard break of a month or so should give you clarity. It likely will be hard not to think about him, but you will have to try. Work on yourself and clarify what you want.