Angels&Airwaves Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 (edited) I met this girl at my place of work in January and after several meetings with her, I became attracted to her. I usually wouldn't bore you with what I think of her, but I will on this occasion. She is very pretty, intelligent, well spoken, she seems nice, seems interesting,has a good head on her shoulders, has awesome music taste and is very sweet. As I went to ask her for her contact details to get to know her better, I was told she has a boyfriend by another colleague, this knocked the wind out of my sails, as you would expect. This happened over a month ago and I hadn't seen her since, until a few days where I strolled into work as usual to find her working. I thought to myself 'what is she doing here? She never works on this day'. Well as I walked past her she said "hello" and gave me a few compliments, which was nice. A while later we were working in close proximity and we began striking up conversation, but as we were talking, my stomach began to feel knotted, I was a bit worried because I have never experienced this feeling before. I thought it was indigestion at first, but it wasn't, this feeling didn't feel bad at all, at least not like indigestion, it felt nice, even though it was alien to me. Then I striked up another conversation with her, I told her I was going to see my favourite band next month and she responded with "I love that band", I couldn't believe she liked them, because not many people I know do. I added it to the all the other things we have in common, and it felt weird because she is the first person I have felt an instant connection with through just speech alone. We seem to get on well, but the most frustrating thing is I'm 85% sure she has a boyfriend and she has shown no signs of being attracted/interested in me, therefore this makes her unattainable. She is also leaving in the coming months, too. I was thinking about asking her for her contact details before she leaves, but I'm not sure I want to be put in the friend zone, if she does indeed have a boyfriend, or isn't interested in me in the slightest. Then again if she doesn't have a boyfriend and is interested in me, but is just shy then I risk missing out on something which could potentially be special, refreshing and exciting. Though selfishly apart of me wants to see her leave, because when I didn't see her for a month, I didn't think about her much, because I was busy making tweaks and adjustments to my daily life and I was busy with friends, work and other commitments. As the saying goes "Out of sight, out of mind", which was true before the other day. I'm bit confused as what to do, so if anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. P.S I had to re-write this post twice because the forum signed me off and I couldn't post the first draft - which was better than this one. Edited March 15, 2008 by Angels&Airwaves grammar errors, spelling errors - The Other Improv
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 So, just ask her if she's "involved". Trust me, she already knows you're attracted to her You can only get "zoned" if you continue to be and act like a friend instead of a potential partner. It has nothing to do with her. Give it a few weeks and see what her response to your presence is then. If positive, ask the question. Listen to the answer, even if part of it is "yes".
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 If I was to ask her if she was involved, I'd probably try and do it subtly, so I don't give off the impression that I'm attracted to her and how would she know that I'm attracted to her? I haven't told her, I haven't flirted with her, all I have done is talk to her. Well I haven't treated her as a friend as I don't know her well enough to consider her a friend, it's more just a colleague interested in another one. I mean not ask a thousand and one questions, but how will one know if my presence is good company for her? And my last question, Carhill is why should I listen out for a yes answer? I doubt this means much, but it's her who always instigates initial contact, first.
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 What I'm trying to say is that women view the world completely differently than you or I. She already knows you're interested in her. Her compliments were likely designed to gauge the significance of it. If you ask her if she is involved, this, to me, sends an important message. You confirm that you are interested, validating her instincts, and also show respect for her having a current relationship, if she does. By listening to the tone of her answer, you can decide how best to proceed. I've found women are very good at communicating their intent, if you listen. Besides, why tie yourself up in limbo? Get it out there, see what happens, and move on (with whatever decision you make). Big sea, lotsa fish. Many more butterflies
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 That does sound like nice advice, thank you. If she does have a boyfriend, or doesn't show any interest in me at all, then I shall just move on. I'm not the type of man who will chase another man's girlfriend, that's not how I operate. Also, I find it a bit worrying that she knows I'm interested and hasn't said anything, I must be unaware of the signals I portray when I am speaking to her. I would like to know if she does or doesn't have a boyfriend, but I need to figure out a way to drop it in subtly without asking her outright, that way I won't create any awkwardness, even if it does seem like I'm putting a snake in the grass. If she knows I'm interested, and does have a boyfriend then why is she instigating conversations with me...I'm over analysing, yet again.
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Yes, you are over-analyzing. I know because I did it for decades I've found, through many years in the friend zone, that women nearly immediately tell me about their "relationships", which is a clear indicator that I'm in the zone. I'm like a girlfriend with a penis So, if you have a few conversations with her about life away from work and she doesn't mention a boyfriend, I would say you're less likely headed for the zone, at that juncture anyway. The trick is to get beyond two sentence conversations. Have you done that? I recall a recent conversation with an old female friend who had known for years (decades now, yikes!) that I was attracted to her where she still hesitated a bit asking me to dinner as friends (I'm married), like she worried that I might be offended or say "no". I just laughed and said something like "yeah, like I could say no to you". She had, years ago, put me in the zone (because she was married) and now the roles are reversed. Being older and more mature, we have a lot of fun with it. That brings up an important point. Make this fun. Humor and laughter are a great social lubricant. Women like it because it releases hormones that make them feel good about themselves and that's important. When I attempt to cheer my wife or my female friends up, it comes from that place. Ok, enough analysis. Get moving!
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 The trick is to get beyond two sentence conversations. Have you done that? I think so, I think in some instances I have and in other instances I haven't. I think it depends on what we are talking about to begin with, or is this inaccurate? Thanks for the advice, you've been a major help. I have just one more question, before I stop analyzing and get on with business. Do you think she is playing games? That's a pet hate of mine.
AussieJack Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 (edited) If I was to ask her if she was involved, I'd probably try and do it subtly, so I don't give off the impression that I'm attracted to her and how would she know that I'm attracted to her? I haven't told her, I haven't flirted with her, all I have done is talk to her. Dude, are you in Nth America ? What the bleep is wrong with some of you males over there. Why would any man try to HIDE his interest in, and attraction to a woman. Listen to me. Women LIKE men who want them .Read that again. BUT women do not like men who NEED them. You should always express your interest in a sexually subtle way without coming off like a bar fly at 2am. Watch some James Bond movies. Be calm and act confident -women are attracted to confident men - not scared ,reserved wussies. Take a chance and just walk right up to her and say "Are you single?".. If she says NO then say ."Too bad" and smile and give her hand a squeeze. That is just the way of the world dude. If she says YES, try this, " I want you and I to meet in the coffee shop at 5pm . You can buy me a cup of tea and entertain me with some stimulating conversation" (say this slowly)... If she is interested she will jump at the offer OR make a counter offer. Simple ... Edited March 15, 2008 by AussieJack
AussieJack Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Hey A&A .. it is 1am down here and I just got home after a night of latin dancing with a hot 20 year old (i am 47) . YOu know how i managed to get a date with a babe like that ? I ASKED her. It is that simple. Good hunting ( oh, and change that "Angels and Airwaves" thing for pete's sake ..It is kinda girly )
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 Dude, are you in Nth America ? What the bleep is wrong with some of you males over there. Why would any man try to HIDE his interest in, and attraction to a woman. Listen to me. Women LIKE men who want them .Read that again. BUT women do not like men who NEED them. You should always express your interest in a sexually subtle way without coming off like a bar fly at 2am. Watch some James Bond movies. Be calm and act confident -women are attracted to confident men - not scared ,reserved wussies. Take a chance and just walk right up to her and say "Are you single?".. If she says NO then say ."Too bad" and smile and give her hand a squeeze. That is just the way of the world dude. If she says YES, try this, " I want you and I to meet in the coffee shop at 5pm . You can buy me a cup of tea and entertain me with some stimulating conversation" (say this slowly)... If she is interested she will jump at the offer OR make a counter offer. Simple ... For the record I am not from North America, I'm European. I'm not trying to hide my interest or attraction, I just don't want to proceed and waste my time and make things uncomfortable for her, that's all. Yeah I know I'm a wimp and my confidence is lost on this girl, but I'll work on it. I don't need anyone to be honest, and if I was to get into a relationship with this girl, it would be because I want to be with her, not because I feel the need to be with her. And for the record I have watched James Bond films and quite frankly, James Bond maybe confident and has sex appeal, but my god is he a corny character. So it's that simple? I just say out of nowhere, do you have a boyfriend? Wouldn't that startle her? Wouldn't it portray me as being rather forward, perhaps, too forward? Hey A&A .. it is 1am down here and I just got home after a night of latin dancing with a hot 20 year old (i am 47) . YOu know how i managed to get a date with a babe like that ? I ASKED her. It is that simple. Good hunting ( oh, and change that "Angels and Airwaves" thing for pete's sake ..It is kinda girly ) It certainly sounds simple, but then you have bags of confidence, experience and you can read women like a book. I'm still stuck on the contents page. And AVA is a band, fronted by Tom DeLonge, so if you have a problem with the band name, email him on his website.
Random Username Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Hey A&A, Man i just realized you were the one who replied to my post and then I read yours and it all makes sense now. Didn't you write in my post that she does have a BF? Or is this a different chick you're talking about? Anyway yeah your post really sounds a lot like mine. I'm interested in hearin how it works out.. Take it easy man
Random Username Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Dude, are you in Nth America ? What the bleep is wrong with some of you males over there. Why would any man try to HIDE his interest in, and attraction to a woman. Listen to me. Women LIKE men who want them .Read that again. BUT women do not like men who NEED them. You should always express your interest in a sexually subtle way without coming off like a bar fly at 2am. Watch some James Bond movies. Be calm and act confident -women are attracted to confident men - not scared ,reserved wussies. Take a chance and just walk right up to her and say "Are you single?".. If she says NO then say ."Too bad" and smile and give her hand a squeeze. That is just the way of the world dude. If she says YES, try this, " I want you and I to meet in the coffee shop at 5pm . You can buy me a cup of tea and entertain me with some stimulating conversation" (say this slowly)... If she is interested she will jump at the offer OR make a counter offer. Simple ... Aussie, I'm that 'other chump' you replied to the other day Hey man, I know I won't convince you but this is how I see it.. First off, I totally agree with you but only when you're dealing with certain girls (or for you--that would be 'women') I done the james bond routine, and hell yeah 20 mintues later we were in bed and 1 1/2 hrs later we were both smoking cigs side by side But every one of those girls, where are they now? Gone. Why? Because I knew they weren't really the right one for me. In a way, that's why I didn't give a ***. That's why I could care less if they rejected me or not. But every once in a while, and I'm talking 2 or 3 times in your life, you meet someone that strikes a different chord. This isn't some chick you wanna bang, it's not some chick you just think's hot, I'm talking about someone where the connection is more of an unspoken connection that happens from the first day you meet.. but more important is who this girl is.. she's the kind of girl who you really got to go slow with, because she might not be ready yet, and YOU might not be ready yet. So if you (the guy) aren't ready yet, and you go and boldy do your james bond confidence thing, you're going to screw yourself cause you're not mentally ready for it. You might need a handful of interactions with her to get some kind of flow going on, both with yourself, and for her to get herself rollin too. The worst thing is to go on a date and both of you are awkward because both of you haven't formed that comfort yet. And sometimes that awkardness causes a block to form, a block that can be unrecoverable, because dating is strange, and even though you know this person COULD be good for you, the block that somehow formed between the two of you might cause both of you to say "this might just not be working out". However, HAD you waited until you were really ready, if that was a week, a month, then when you do go out, that awkardness isn't there.. the block's not there, and all the pieces fall together and forms this beatiful thing, where you guys mesh and flow with each other.. you're words seem to blend together.. you're minds are on the same page. Well that's how it is for me at least. That's why, when I meet someone unique and special, it has to be perfect, the timing, the vibe, everything. That ISN'T being a chump, or having no confidence. You might disagree, but maybe you just haven't met your true girl of your dreams yet? Or have you? And got burned? And now are a james bond who get's all the girls you're 98% interested in. Do you have the girl you're 100% interested in? Cause that last 2% is usually the most important 2%. Anyway, I ain't hatin.. cause for majority of the situations you are probably right
xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I thought I had an answer to your question, but after reading all the other posters, I'm now questioning whether my advice would help you in any way. Consider your situation: You hardly know the girl but you felt this physical attraction to her when she talked to you last, yet you don't really think about her when she's not really there (out of sight, out of mind). And she's unavailable and is LEAVING next month? Now my question for you to ask yourself is, do you truly see yourself with her? I think that's something you really have to think deeply about. Especially if you have all of the above working against you, do you feel that any effort on your part would actually help you acquire this girl? You yourself said that you're merely work colleagues, and there hasn't been any other contact in any other ways between the both of you besides the occasional small talks. Perhaps she's just being overly friendly? And you're just reading into her actions too much because in your mind you wish that something more could develop from it. IMHO, I think it's merely wishful thinking on your part.
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 So it's that simple? I just say out of nowhere, do you have a boyfriend? Wouldn't that startle her? Wouldn't it portray me as being rather forward, perhaps, too forward? It certainly sounds simple, but then you have bags of confidence, experience and you can read women like a book. I'm still stuck on the contents page. And AVA is a band, fronted by Tom DeLonge, so if you have a problem with the band name, email him on his website. OK, Mr Euro dude, Say this - "Are you single ?" THis is the BEST way to say it. Secondly I had NO confidence in high school and I was a nerd - a geek and real bookworm with zits and wavy reddush hair. I graduated as an electrical engineer .. Later, I taught my self the guitar and learned to dance and the world changed for me AFTER i read some of the books on being masculine and NOT hiding it just to suit some feminist nonsense that grabbed most other guys by the nuts. Here is my best tip for you. Women are attracted to confident, intriguing . well controlled men. You do not have to look like Brad or be wealthy like Trump . I look like Dustin Hoffman on Sunday morning ! Here is another tip. Woman fall for the way that you make them FEEL. Start with humor - and keep 'em laughing.
sb129 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Dude, are you in Nth America ? What the bleep is wrong with some of you males over there. Why would any man try to HIDE his interest in, and attraction to a woman. Listen to me. Women LIKE men who want them .Read that again. BUT women do not like men who NEED them. Take a chance and just walk right up to her and say "Are you single?".. If she says NO then say ."Too bad" and smile and give her hand a squeeze. That is just the way of the world dude. .. Good advice (apart from the hand squeezing bit), and from an Aussie too, will wonders never cease? Has something monumental happened to men over there in the last decade that I wasn't aware of? Just kidding... sort of.
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Hey A&A, Man i just realized you were the one who replied to my post and then I read yours and it all makes sense now. Didn't you write in my post that she does have a BF? Or is this a different chick you're talking about? Anyway yeah your post really sounds a lot like mine. I'm interested in hearin how it works out.. Take it easy man No it's the same one, I decided to find out for myself earlier this morning, I went into work to sign some papers and I saw her in the canteen, so I went over to her, made some small talk and then asked her. She didn't seem startled and said "Yes, I do". I just said "well that's too bad" and walked off. I'm pleased that's over with, I can just get on with my business. We do seem to be in the same boat and I hope you get this girl, take care. I thought I had an answer to your question, but after reading all the other posters, I'm now questioning whether my advice would help you in any way. Consider your situation: You hardly know the girl but you felt this physical attraction to her when she talked to you last, yet you don't really think about her when she's not really there (out of sight, out of mind). And she's unavailable and is LEAVING next month? Now my question for you to ask yourself is, do you truly see yourself with her? I think that's something you really have to think deeply about. Especially if you have all of the above working against you, do you feel that any effort on your part would actually help you acquire this girl? You yourself said that you're merely work colleagues, and there hasn't been any other contact in any other ways between the both of you besides the occasional small talks. Perhaps she's just being overly friendly? And you're just reading into her actions too much because in your mind you wish that something more could develop from it. IMHO, I think it's merely wishful thinking on your part. No, I never saw myself with her, and I don't, but I'm hardly bothered, you win few and lose many, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I liked her and she is taken, it's no big deal, there's no need for profound thinking, and you are probably right, I over-think and over-analyze things way too much. Wishful thinking? Yeah, it was a bit, but what's the point of living if you don't have hope?
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 OK, Mr Euro dude, Say this - "Are you single ?" THis is the BEST way to say it. Secondly I had NO confidence in high school and I was a nerd - a geek and real bookworm with zits and wavy reddush hair. I graduated as an electrical engineer .. Later, I taught my self the guitar and learned to dance and the world changed for me AFTER i read some of the books on being masculine and NOT hiding it just to suit some feminist nonsense that grabbed most other guys by the nuts. Here is my best tip for you. Women are attracted to confident, intriguing . well controlled men. You do not have to look like Brad or be wealthy like Trump . I look like Dustin Hoffman on Sunday morning ! Here is another tip. Woman fall for the way that you make them FEEL. Start with humor - and keep 'em laughing. I took your advice a little while ago when I had to go into work this morning and I asked her straight out after some small talk and she does have a boyfriend. Thanks for you advice, it's helped me a lot, as has everyone else, adios.
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 (edited) That's why, when I meet someone unique and special, it has to be perfect, the timing, the vibe, everything. That ISN'T being a chump, or having no confidence. You might disagree, but maybe you just haven't met your true girl of your dreams yet? Or have you? And got burned? And now are a james bond who get's all the girls you're 98% interested in. Do you have the girl you're 100% interested in? Cause that last 2% is usually the most important 2%. Anyway, I ain't hatin.. cause for majority of the situations you are probably right OK boy - I hope that I am not hearing a man yearning for "my soulmate" am I ? You have hundreds of potential "soulmates" out there. Secondly how are you going to be in a position to assess whether she is your 100% girl unless you just claim her. That's right just go get her. Toss her back like a bass if she is undersize. Because, if you are waiting for the "special moment: and that "certain vibe" to be 150% perfect, some other bolder guy will grasp her away from you. That is what guys like me do.. It is a cruel world fellas. Edited March 16, 2008 by AussieJack
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I took your advice a little while ago when I had to go into work this morning and I asked her straight out after some small talk and she does have a boyfriend. Thanks for you advice, it's helped me a lot, as has everyone else, adios. PERFECT ! She is ideal to practise on. NO emotional investment in her from you and no expectations. You need to use women like this for target practise. That means speaking confidently without CENSORING your words first. Do you know what "cocky and funny" means and how to do it to create attraction?
sb129 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Funny men are attractive. Cocky ones are not. "Target practise" indeed. Pffft. Good luck boys.
Author Angels&Airwaves Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Aussie Jack, I know what they both mean, but I'm not sure I have the cocky trait and from what I've been told by women they dislike cocky men. SB129, I didn't use this girl as target practise, I was genuinely interested.
OpenBook Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I was thinking about asking her for her contact details before she leaves, but I'm not sure I want to be put in the friend zone, if she does indeed have a boyfriend, or isn't interested in me in the slightest... Absolutely get her contact info. Don't be afraid of the friend zone. My Mom was friends with my Dad all through college. They were both involved with other people that whole time. Both even ended up becoming engaged to their SO's. Dad dropped his engagement and went after Mom. She dropped hers and married him! They were happily married for 54 years before Dad died. It happens. You never know.
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Aussie Jack, I know what they both mean, but I'm not sure I have the cocky trait and from what I've been told by women they dislike cocky men. SB129, I didn't use this girl as target practise, I was genuinely interested. Women say a lot of things A&A - doesn't make them true. " Cocky and funny" is the way. However you need to get the mix right.Too muck 'cocky' and you appear arrogant and vain. Too muck 'funny' and you come off as a goofball. MIx the two and you have the magic formula. IT works - Use women at work for practise. Use the checkout chicks and any woman you come in contact with to hone your skills. I do, every day. Don't listen to the sourpusses on this board. THis is harmless fun - and you will build your confidence in a very short time.
OpenBook Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 " Cocky and funny" is the way. However you need to get the mix right.Too muck 'cocky' and you appear arrogant and vain. Too muck 'funny' and you come off as a goofball. MIx the two and you have the magic formula. IT works - Again, I agree with Aussie. As a woman, this works for me and it also works for my GF's. The cocky guys are the ones we notice, the ones we talk about, the ones we eventually say "Yes" to. Cockiness works, as long as you have the character to back it up with. It's a huge compliment to a woman when a man struts and preens in front of her like a peacock... as long as it's not overdone. Meaning, you have to show her that you're also interested in HER and what she likes, etc.
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