TinyTL Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Hi everyone. I am a new poster. Last night my fiancee of 2 years--boyfriend of 5 years decided to tell me that he hasn't been feeling the same about being with me for the last month or so, and asked for the ring back. He told me that he just thought the feelings would blow over and that things would get back to feeling normal after a while--but last night he decided that it did not seem that way. It wasn't like we've been fighting or having any issues. It was completely out of the blue! He was so upset about it and I know he genuinely feels bad for hurting me. But I am just so angry/sad/mad/frustrated and everything in between at this point. I haven't slept. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel constantly like I can't get my heart to stop beating so fast and I a nauseas beyond belief. I told him that I didn't want to lose him, but I also didn't want to pressure him to stay if this isn't working for him. He swears there is nothing I am doing wrong and kept saying he feels bad bc he can never be as good for me as I am for him and despite my refuting that over and over again, he believes it. He is under a lot of pressure right now with working 2 job, never getting any time to himself, sleeping maybe 4-5 hours a night, paying bills and interviewing for new jobs. I know that can't be easy. I just can't help but wonder if these factors have more to do with him not feeling like he can put effort into our relationship or what. I am just beside myself. He also said that he feels pressure to get married and whenever he hears anyone talk about weddings or marriage, he just gets anxious. However, our wedding is planned for 2.5 years from now when I complete graduate school--so cold feet 2 years in advance seems weird to me... I just needed to vent. Everyone in my family and friends is so certain that we will get back together and everything will be fine--but they don't seem to understand how serious he was about this. I am just so lost. I have been with this man since my freshman year of college, now i am a grad student and i just can't imagine the man that i absolutely love and want to marry just walking away. I am so confused.
datingmum Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 That's terrible sweetie. I really feel for you. I have little to offer in the way of advice at this stage... How long has it been since this happened? Have you been in contact? How are you getting on in your days?
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Wow, a 4 1/2 year engagement.... I'm curious, do you and your intended have divergent styles? Your tone suggests that you are a planner and have everything organized, like weddings after graduate school, etc. If correct, is he on the same page or is his style more go with the flow? Think about that..... No cogent advice other than to give it time. If you are in contact, suggest a face-to-face and then ask him if you both could have some time alone with no contact and re-visit the relationship in six months. Perhaps, at that point, pressure on him will be lessened and he can think more clearly about the relationship. I know, when I was under a lot of stress taking care of my mom, the last thing I wanted to analyze was my marriage; too overwhelming. Now that she's in nursing care, I can approach my relationship with a more balanced viewpoint. It took a good year for that stress to abate. You all are young so you'll adapt more quickly to changes. Give him time
norajane Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 he hasn't been feeling the same about being with me for the last month or so, and asked for the ring back. He told me that he just thought the feelings would blow over and that things would get back to feeling normal after a while--but last night he decided that it did not seem that way. A 5 year relationship and he is giving up after one month? Without even discussing it with you and trying to determine why the magic has flickered? He was hoping it would just blow over without any effort to revive the magic? Relationships take work, which I would imagine he ought to understand since he's been in such a long term relationship. No, you aren't going to feel 'in love' every minute of the day, every day, constantly - especially when you're under some kind of major stresses in life. But it can and does come back, if you make an effort with your partner to see each other in the romantic way you used to. It requires doing things together to reconnect, to be romantic. You can look at this way - if he thinks walking away is the right thing to do just because his feelings have waned in the last few weeks, and he's the kind of guy who walks away without even discussing it with you and trying to work on things together with you, then he's not the kind of man who is capable of making a lifetime commitment. You can feel grateful he didn't marry you and then decide to just walk away when his feelings waned a little...after you had children and invested in a home, etc. If he's under major stress and doesn't get it that his feelings about the relationship are affected by his overall unhappiness with his life, he may realize he's made a mistake when he gets his life back in order. But again, what will he do if he comes back, you get married, and then a few years down the line when he loses his job and is under major stress, he decides he doesn't love you anymore and doesn't even try to work it through with you?
City_girl Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Unfortunately these things happen. The man I was seeing (who turned out the coldest man I have ever been with) told me he left his wife, emotionally at least when their baby was due, he just felt it wouldn't work, so he stood by her till the baby was 6months old then she moved out with the baby, they were in relationship for years. The baby was intended to salvage the marraige. I don't know how you get over such a thing but it does sound like he means what he says. I'm shocked that he asked for the ring back. What's that about?
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Yeah, usually the woman gives the ring back when she breaks the engagement, but I haven't been keeping up ..... in my mind, when he does it, the ring becomes "liquidated damages" and is hers to keep or dispose of as she pleases. A minor issue here, but hey, fair is fair
bejshermanoaks Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 When a man is having problems financially, it sometimes gives them an excuse to end a relationship--but the real issue here is his fear of commitment. The best thing you can do is not pressure him right now. If you have made it clear that you want to be with him and marry him and dont want to break up, then its time to back off. he will come back to you if he truly loves you...however, he seems like a typical male commitment phobe. However, I see many commitmentphobes run right back to their mates when they realize that their mate is capable of moving on without them...so, as long as he knows you want him, now its time for NC... good luck sweetheart--my heart is with you..
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